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ABF's outta jail...

Old 02-03-2011, 02:44 PM
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Unhappy ABF's outta jail...

guess he got sprung somehow. Called me when he got out and sounded like ****. Wants me to call him. I want to keep having space, but I also am curious to know if he's had any revelations. (Got arrested for DUI last night).

Maybe I just want space because I want to delay the inevitable break-up that I feel is coming? No matter how much I want him to quit drinking, I know he won't. And it makes me so sad to see the love of my life killing himself and destroying our relationship.

Boo hoo hoo
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:47 PM
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You have no obligation to him.. only to yourself.

Hang in there.
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:51 PM
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agree to that.

Now it's going to be critical to keep
your positive resources around you.

That situation
the one that was so hellish
that existed before jail
hasn't GONE anywhere.

It just had a 30 day delay.

YOU...on the other hand
have started healing and repairing the damage.

WHen you come to the fork in the road - take it!

You're at that fork, hon.
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:52 PM
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He got out of jail, and then got a DUI last night? Or that is why is was in jail?

Either way, doesn't sound like he has had a revelation about anything...and even if he did, it will take a long time for his actions to change.

You don't have to do anything but take care of yourself. And if you are not ready to confront him, you don't have to do that either. Just take as much time as you want for you. You certainly deserve that. We all do.
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:53 PM
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Did you enjoy some peace and happiness while he was in jail? If so, you can continue that feeling, but it is up to you.

He may have a wake-up call based on what happened, but his actions will tell you whether or not that is true. The words of an active addict cannot be trusted.

Take good care of yourself and do what you think is best for you! Hugs, HG
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Old 02-03-2011, 02:55 PM
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Thanks to all. Ah, he was in jail for the DUI. Got arrested last night, car towed, called me at 4:45 to come get him (I declined). I just feel so lost right now.

Guess I am just hoping that if I call, he will ask me to take him to detox. Which I would gladly do. But mostly just feeling sad that this is the giant crash-and-burn demise of a relationship with someone I so strongly believe to be the love of my life.
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:15 PM
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What's the rest of this history?
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:24 PM
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So, he wants you to call him. What do you want to do?
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:58 PM
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demise of a relationship with someone I so strongly believe to be the love of my life.
this is going to come off trite, and I'm not trying to minimise your feelings of hurt and sadness and everything else, but ........I'm going to say it anyway: I strongly believe that the relationship you will have with someone that deserves the title "love of your life" is going to be so much better than the relationship you have now.

is it possible this is the love of your life to date, and that there is a world of possibilites out there waiting to be explored?
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Old 02-03-2011, 07:23 PM
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For some strange reason we all hope our alcoholic will get better and our life will improve. And, it probably will improve if they stop drinking.

The reality is we (you, me, and the others around here who live this) can not change these people. They are reluctant to change. And you life will not be any better with this cat in it.

Choose your path. There are two in front of you. One is familiar and comfortable, yet bumpy and full of pot holes. And unfinished. It will never be smooth. But it will be there. The other is unknown. It might be better beyond you wildest dreams. It might only be a bit better. But it is certainly smoother, and it leads to a much calmer place. Promise.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

And oldie, but a goodie. And I can't help but think old Bob Frost was talking about this exact thing.
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Old 02-03-2011, 08:09 PM
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Well, he started drinking and smoking (cigarettes and marijuana) around age 13. We have known each other since we were five (both 29 now), but have only been together for one year. He says he started drinking heavily and regularly about three years ago. Two years ago, he started abusing opiates as well (which he has been clean from for about six or seven months now). Over the past year, I have seen how progressive alcoholism is. It has always been an issue in our relationship and we have talked openly about it. He has made several attempts to "cut down" on his own, and each time failed. And each time, the drinking is worse and worse. A couple of weeks ago, he had serious physical withdrawls (dry heaving, nausea, "the shakes," sweating) daily, just from not drinking for a few HOURS. Of course, he self medicated with more liquor. Yesterday, he told me he'd gotten drunk by himself at home the night before and lost his keys and broken his phone, though he had no recollection of the evening. And last night, decided to go out and "party" in a big city nearby, drove home drunk, and decided to go for fast food at 3 a.m. He got stopped for a DUI a couple blocks from his house. Car towed, thrown in jail.

We've since talked, and he begged me to come over and hug him. I told him I couldn't, I didn't want to see him, and that it is not my responsibility to make him feel better. He's had at least one drink since getting out of jail, which makes me think he is waiting for the elevator to crash and burn, or go six feet under, before he hits rock bottom. It is so hard to watch someone I love kill himself like this. I don't believe in ultimatums, but I have given myself one: that if he cannot stop drinking, I cannot be with him. I hope he gives himself the same ultimatum.


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Old 02-03-2011, 08:10 PM
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telulah: Thanks. That's where I get stuck. I ended up calling him, but told him I didn't want to see him, and couldn't be with him if he keeps drinking. (see above post for details).
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Old 02-03-2011, 08:13 PM
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Thanks, JenT. You are right. I guess it is just so hard to see into the future. He and I have a chemistry that I've never had before, and we love each other so painfully deeply. We have each had our fair share of relationships, and this one is so different.

But for now, I have told him that I cannot continue to be with him if he continues to drink. Probably the scariest words ever to come out of my mouth, but I meant them. I meant them to him and to me, because I can't keep getting hurt.

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Old 02-03-2011, 08:40 PM
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I met my XAH in 2nd grade. High school sweethearts. Best friends. Storybook. You know...

Walking away was one of the, if not the single hardest thing, I've ever done. I just wish I had done it as you are, before wasting another decade watching him destroy everything we'd ever held dear.

Be strong and stick to your guns. He will come crawling, begging, pleading. Just repeat:

... I cannot continue to be with him if he continues to drink
over and over and over.
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Old 02-03-2011, 08:50 PM
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Thanks

Congrats to you on staying strong and walking away.

I am taking it one day at a time, hoping for the best (whatever it is), and preparing for the worst. "I can't be with him if he continues to drink" is beginning to echo in my head so much I feel like I'll go crazy!

We were not high school sweethearts. We grew up in a large town, on the same block, but were in a different grade, so we were never friends. He ended up moving onto my block (Again), coincidentally, 23 years later, in another state 2000 miles away. We hit it off like we were separated at birth. And completely ironic, because both of my parents were alcoholics. (Go figure). And I was the first one to even mention that maybe he drinks too much. He knew it, but all of his friends are heavy drinkers.

one day at a time. ugh...
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by courageouscrane View Post
And completely ironic, because both of my parents were alcoholics. (Go figure).
Maybe not so ironic afterall...
maybe not even coincidental...
maybe not even surprising.

Look deeper.

Strange as it may sound, we are drawn to what we know, even if that is not always a good thing.
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Old 02-04-2011, 07:48 AM
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I left my rabf after living together for 4 months because he was drinking and sneaking and lying after promising to quit if I moved in. Boy was I naive!

Once I realized, rather admitted to myself that he had no intention of getting sober, and seeking recovery, I left. The most painful thing I have ever experienced.

One year later, he is clean and sober and sincerely working on his recovery. I have found that I love living alone (first time in my life), and through SR and Al Anon, I have found an inner peace that I have never known before.

I don't believe you can ever go wrong by walking away from an active alcoholic.

Good for you for not running to bail him out. Inspiring
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Old 02-04-2011, 03:26 PM
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I am presently living apart from AW who moved out about 2+ weeks ago. She is drinking herself to death and I won't watch it this time. Plus all the other, crazy alcoholic stuff.

I wanted to echo the "hardest thing I ever had to do" comment -- after 16 years of marriage and all the ups and downs, sticking with someone through so much drama. Throwing in the towel once and for all is tough.

Of course AW is crying a river and asking if we have a chance. My bottom line right now is that we have nothing to talk about, if she is drinking. She needs a medical detox because she can't go but a few hours without drinking, a very serious and life-threatening situation which I will no longer help to perpetuate.

This is where I need strength, because there is no clear rule on when it's time to be "DONE" with all the nonsense. All I can say is having some free time and space has been really nice. I just couldn't even think in the midst of the worry, frustration, and chaos.

Went to my first Al-Anon last night, enjoyed it. Me plus 8 women, that part, a little awkward. I love the standard statements that no unhappiness is so great that it cannot be bettered -- and in fact, no matter how bad the problems seem, things CAN get better!

All the best!
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Old 02-04-2011, 03:40 PM
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Thanks for sharing djayr.
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:18 PM
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djayr,

I, personallly, had enough when I watched my alcoholic husband go back to drinking (with no apparent desire or inclination to stop) after I had nursed him through one alcohol-related near-death experience.

I was at a place of peace with my decision. I felt I had done what I could to help him have an opportunity to recover, and he chose not to take advantage of it. I wasn't willing to put myself through it a second time. He knew what to do, it was his choice whether to do something to stop or to continue his downward slide. I was sad for what might have been, but convinced that staying would not help him and might do me in.
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