Uh-oh - What Do I Do?
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
and none of his reactions are your fault, none of them, if you shouted his secret from the rooftops and took out an ad in the local paper, that would not excuse any repercussions from him, it would still not be your fault (()).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
For what it is worth, my suggestion is to go.
I am an alcoholic, and I also attend Al-Anon. The gory details of what happens in my marriage are things I share with my sponsor. I can share as much or as little in each meeting as I choose to.
If she is Al-Anon and working her program, all she will discover is that your AB is an alcoholic. He suffers from the disease of alcoholism. That doesn't mean automatically that it is a problem for her husband, or his right hand man.
I am a CFO for a large company, one of the owners is a state senator. I have run into work colleagues, employees, outside vendors, church members, etc. at meetings. All I can do, is work my program of recovery. If anyone breaks this confidentality, it is on them, not on me.
I am not sure if any of this rambling helped or not...just sharing my experience.
I am an alcoholic, and I also attend Al-Anon. The gory details of what happens in my marriage are things I share with my sponsor. I can share as much or as little in each meeting as I choose to.
If she is Al-Anon and working her program, all she will discover is that your AB is an alcoholic. He suffers from the disease of alcoholism. That doesn't mean automatically that it is a problem for her husband, or his right hand man.
I am a CFO for a large company, one of the owners is a state senator. I have run into work colleagues, employees, outside vendors, church members, etc. at meetings. All I can do, is work my program of recovery. If anyone breaks this confidentality, it is on them, not on me.
I am not sure if any of this rambling helped or not...just sharing my experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by JenT1968 
hey there,
I would suggest you have 2 issues here, one is protecting his secret and the other is keeping yourself safe. The second is paramount. If you think that by going you would then be in danger then trust that instinct but please get yourself some other support, dv services, another al-anon meeting, personal counselling.
protecting his secret is pointless unless you feel it would put you in danger not to. Odds are that his boss will catch on sooner or later.
I would suggest you have 2 issues here, one is protecting his secret and the other is keeping yourself safe. The second is paramount. If you think that by going you would then be in danger then trust that instinct but please get yourself some other support, dv services, another al-anon meeting, personal counselling.
protecting his secret is pointless unless you feel it would put you in danger not to. Odds are that his boss will catch on sooner or later.
Originally Posted by JenT1968
At the moment you're not sure it was her, are you willing to go again to make sure? not everybody attends meetings on a weekly basis, if it was her you can have a think about that then, if not, you haven't closed off an important avenue of support pointlessly.
You may be able to talk to her about anonimity and how important the anonimity of your shares are.
If I remember right you don't know many people where you are, could be very serendipitous that she is there.
don't panic yet
You may be able to talk to her about anonimity and how important the anonimity of your shares are.
If I remember right you don't know many people where you are, could be very serendipitous that she is there.
don't panic yet
to you and EVERYONE who helped me gain some insight here.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I want to see you go to the meeting
because that's what *I* want to see you do.
It's like this:
(I'm sorry - I'm southern everything comes with a story)
I went elk hunting one year.
Five below zero, snowstorm,
trying to find camp at three am
had just got off work
and it was hell.
One lane mountainside cut strip of flat road
the suburban starts to spin
goes around and is
about to go off the mountain..backward.
I had the door open and one leg out
before I got the truck in gear!
Thousands THOUSANDS of dollars
of arctic camping gear
guns
ammunition...
and I KNEW ... in that moment -
there wasn't a thing in that truck I needed.
The lesson in that is
you're not at that place yet.
You're not putting your safety first.
By what you've written here
you live in an abusive relationship.
Period.
What you choose to do
affects your safety directly
and probably immediately.
Your choice right now isn't really
discovering where codependency came from
or anything like that.
You aren't safe in your own home.
Now,going to meetings has helped
you see the reality a bit better it really has.
So much so we came on and asked you not to play with fire.
remember?
We CARE what happens to you.
I personally don't think this woman is going to say anthying.
I think that's why she made such a show of not remembering you at the dinner.
BUt *I* am not living where you are.
The whole point of 'getting better' is learning that *we* are reason enough to be safe.
so that's why I say what I said
and said it a bit ...er... well, there's a reason I'm Barb Dwyer. (barbedwire)
SIlence has made this situation what it is.
But I cant, in all conscience, advise either way
because your personal safety has to come first.
because that's what *I* want to see you do.
It's like this:
(I'm sorry - I'm southern everything comes with a story)
I went elk hunting one year.
Five below zero, snowstorm,
trying to find camp at three am
had just got off work
and it was hell.
One lane mountainside cut strip of flat road
the suburban starts to spin
goes around and is
about to go off the mountain..backward.
I had the door open and one leg out
before I got the truck in gear!
Thousands THOUSANDS of dollars
of arctic camping gear
guns
ammunition...
and I KNEW ... in that moment -
there wasn't a thing in that truck I needed.
The lesson in that is
you're not at that place yet.
You're not putting your safety first.
By what you've written here
you live in an abusive relationship.
Period.
What you choose to do
affects your safety directly
and probably immediately.
Your choice right now isn't really
discovering where codependency came from
or anything like that.
You aren't safe in your own home.
Now,going to meetings has helped
you see the reality a bit better it really has.
So much so we came on and asked you not to play with fire.
remember?
We CARE what happens to you.
I personally don't think this woman is going to say anthying.
I think that's why she made such a show of not remembering you at the dinner.
BUt *I* am not living where you are.
The whole point of 'getting better' is learning that *we* are reason enough to be safe.
so that's why I say what I said
and said it a bit ...er... well, there's a reason I'm Barb Dwyer. (barbedwire)
SIlence has made this situation what it is.
But I cant, in all conscience, advise either way
because your personal safety has to come first.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Your problem is not only alcohol. Your problem is also you are in a relationship with a controlling man who is abusive and steadfastly refuses to acknowledge this or get help.
It's that, that concerns most. You probably don't know my story but my ex was in recovery. He did have two relapses whilst I was with him (in the first year of our relationship).. although he never counted the second (it seemed to have slipped his mind :-/). He was working the steps, going to meetings 2/3 times a week, having a commitment at those meetings, sponsor.. on paper, he was doing everything you could hope for for recovery. However, and this is the rub.. he was not addressing his other demons. Even without alcohol he still had issues.. one of which was an abusive nature. Of course he could not see what he was doing was abusive.. probably still doesn't.
I suppose my point is.. there is nothing you can do that will be enough. You can keep bending like a willow but eventually you will snap.. or he will. It's a no win situation. So the options are: you choose him, continue doing everything in your power to stand by him in this dysfunction.. or.. you choose you, make you your priority, get to a safe place, leave him to his minimisation and charade, start getting your life to some normalcy and calm.
I'm hoping you choose you.
Tx
It's that, that concerns most. You probably don't know my story but my ex was in recovery. He did have two relapses whilst I was with him (in the first year of our relationship).. although he never counted the second (it seemed to have slipped his mind :-/). He was working the steps, going to meetings 2/3 times a week, having a commitment at those meetings, sponsor.. on paper, he was doing everything you could hope for for recovery. However, and this is the rub.. he was not addressing his other demons. Even without alcohol he still had issues.. one of which was an abusive nature. Of course he could not see what he was doing was abusive.. probably still doesn't.
I suppose my point is.. there is nothing you can do that will be enough. You can keep bending like a willow but eventually you will snap.. or he will. It's a no win situation. So the options are: you choose him, continue doing everything in your power to stand by him in this dysfunction.. or.. you choose you, make you your priority, get to a safe place, leave him to his minimisation and charade, start getting your life to some normalcy and calm.
I'm hoping you choose you.
Tx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by tallulah
I'm hoping you choose you.
Tx
Tx
I know I'm highly desensitized by the whole thing and sometimes I feel I lead a pretty normal life. People have issues and they deal with them. Although I tell the complete truth on this site, because I want the best answers possible, I sometimes have a very hard time believing that my life is in such danger.
This is probably another thread altogether, but I'm very confused about whether my situation is actually dangerous or not. Sometimes I think I'm overreacting and sometimes I think I'm underreacting. I just can't seem to put it all together. It's so inconclusive to me, because when I've told people things, their reactions are far more worrisome than mine are. Am I not relaying this information properly or something?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I just can't seem to put it all together. It's so inconclusive to me, because when I've told people things, their reactions are far more worrisome than mine are. Am I not relaying this information properly or something?
tryintosmile,
there is nothing in this world wrong with you.
i, too, can relay a story, and people are looking at me like i just landed in a spaceship.
you are acting normally in very very abnormal circumstances.
and yeah, desensitized is the word.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Anyway - don't know if anyone has every experienced this with their A but it is scary. He passes out, but either wakes up to go to the bathroom or something wakes him up. If it's a sound I made, then I am in trouble. He's in a sleepwalking state and his nature is extremely violent. Last night he came into my room (I was watching a movie on my computer - which helps me fall asleep). I haven't slept with him for years - for many obvious and some not so obvious reasons (I suffer from pain and any weight in the bed beside me gives me a terrible sleep). He comes into my room and says 'shove over - I'm sleeping here'. I said - 'please no - I want get a good sleep' and start to guide him back to his room. He's strong and keeps pushing against me, but I hold my ground. He starts in on how I must be talking to my boyfriend on the computer (what boyfriend? - if only). I try to explain that I'm just watching a movie, but he doesn't hear me. He's in like a trance. I try to 'help' him towards the door and he shoves me against the bed and goes into his room and starts mumbling threats while slamming the door. Then he comes out again and yells at me to come to the den and talk to him. I say 'no I'm going to sleep'. He yells 'get in here - NOW'. I have the phone beside me and say 'no' again.
He demands this - often - when I am on the computer or something and he wants my undivided attention or he thinks I should be doing something I'm not. 'Come talk to me - NOW' or 'Put that computer away NOW or I'll smash it". If I still don't he'll head towards me and the computer, and since I don't want him to ruin another computer, I say 'okay, okay'. Once he slammed it down on my hand.
He demands this - often - when I am on the computer or something and he wants my undivided attention or he thinks I should be doing something I'm not. 'Come talk to me - NOW' or 'Put that computer away NOW or I'll smash it". If I still don't he'll head towards me and the computer, and since I don't want him to ruin another computer, I say 'okay, okay'. Once he slammed it down on my hand.
The reason why I and many other people on this forum who have been in a situation similar to yours are concerned.. is right there in your post.
Tx
ETA: Yes.. you probably are desensitised to the behaviour. It's the lobster in the pot. The lobster goes into the cold water. The water is slowly heated up. Before the lobster realises whats going on it is desensitised.. then cooked.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I don't think it's that at all, hon.
I think that's very normal for someone in an abusive situation that doesn't end.
It's how we cope until the next time happens.
I don't think you've painted anything worse than it is.
Some of us have livwed this
and we know about the excuses thing.
And the shame and self blame.
Because we've lived it too.
I think that's very normal for someone in an abusive situation that doesn't end.
It's how we cope until the next time happens.
I don't think you've painted anything worse than it is.
Some of us have livwed this
and we know about the excuses thing.
And the shame and self blame.
Because we've lived it too.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by wicked
the only shame I ever felt was when I was actively drinking.
Beth
Beth
Back when I used to go to AA, I always went on Sunday mornings, so I could drop LMC off at church while I went to my meeting. One of the more nosey members of church asked me one day where I always went after I dropped of my kid, I told her AA.
She paused a moment, obviously taken aback, and said, "Oh, maybe you know, Joe XXXX, I'm pretty sure he goes to that meeting too". I just smiled and walked away. I guess she assumed all us drunks know one another.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by tallulah
That's from your I AM AFRAID thread. No you are relaying information just fine.
The reason why I and many other people on this forum who have been in a situation similar to yours are concerned.. is right there in your post.
Tx
ETA: Yes.. you probably are desensitised to the behaviour. It's the lobster in the pot. The lobster goes into the cold water. The water is slowly heated up. Before the lobster realises whats going on it is desensitised.. then cooked.
The reason why I and many other people on this forum who have been in a situation similar to yours are concerned.. is right there in your post.
Tx
ETA: Yes.. you probably are desensitised to the behaviour. It's the lobster in the pot. The lobster goes into the cold water. The water is slowly heated up. Before the lobster realises whats going on it is desensitised.. then cooked.
Thanks for reminding me. The problem is because that situation is not ALWAYS happening. I have a way of being able to do the 'outta site - outta mind' with the whole situation. I'm suffering from a disconnect here. It must be a survival mode - laced with denial. How do you keep the bad in mind long enough to set a goal and follow it? That honestly must be my issue.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 71
It is hard, I know that if my AH is nice for 3 days in a row I usually go into the " awe, he loves me and it isn't that bad " mode. I am learning not to fall into that trap anymore. Just keep on going. Send yourself an email detailing the abuse and keep it in a separate folder. Read them every few months
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
It's a cycle.
From the top:
Abuse - in whatever form.
Guilt - 'I'm sorry', 'I didn't mean it', 'I'll never do it again'.. etc
Rationalisation - they make excuses for the behaviour (e.g. 'if you'd done ****, I wouldn't have done ****') or blame throw
'Normal Behaviour' - Acts like it never happened and/or becomes the thoughtful, charming, loyal, and kind person with whom you fell in love
'Set up' - slowly begins to start to display the abusive behaviour again
'Abuse' - in whatever form.
Rinse and repeat.
Yep, you are in survival mode. It took me being out of it, to recognise it. Well that and educating myself about it and a great counsellor.
Tx
From the top:
Abuse - in whatever form.
Guilt - 'I'm sorry', 'I didn't mean it', 'I'll never do it again'.. etc
Rationalisation - they make excuses for the behaviour (e.g. 'if you'd done ****, I wouldn't have done ****') or blame throw
'Normal Behaviour' - Acts like it never happened and/or becomes the thoughtful, charming, loyal, and kind person with whom you fell in love
'Set up' - slowly begins to start to display the abusive behaviour again
'Abuse' - in whatever form.
Rinse and repeat.
Yep, you are in survival mode. It took me being out of it, to recognise it. Well that and educating myself about it and a great counsellor.
Tx
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Listen,
The cat's already out of the bag that you are in Al-Anon. Al-Anon meetings are supposed to be about YOUR recovery, not about bitching and moaning about your alcoholic.
Here's a thought. Get yourself an Al-Anon sponsor. Confide about your alcoholic ONLY to that person, or to other individuals in the group one-on-one. If you don't share details about his drinking, but focus on yourself at the meetings, there will be nothing this particular woman can share even if she were so inclined.
Incidentally, it is, I believe, against the law for anyone to be fired or disciplined for being an alcoholic. If his drinking affects his job performance, that's another story. And if his boss is in AA himself, you can't fool another drunk. The boss will KNOW what the problem is without anyone's having to spell it out.
My own suggestion is you continue to go to Al-Anon FOR YOURSELF (which is why it exists) and share about him only in confidence.
The cat's already out of the bag that you are in Al-Anon. Al-Anon meetings are supposed to be about YOUR recovery, not about bitching and moaning about your alcoholic.
Here's a thought. Get yourself an Al-Anon sponsor. Confide about your alcoholic ONLY to that person, or to other individuals in the group one-on-one. If you don't share details about his drinking, but focus on yourself at the meetings, there will be nothing this particular woman can share even if she were so inclined.
Incidentally, it is, I believe, against the law for anyone to be fired or disciplined for being an alcoholic. If his drinking affects his job performance, that's another story. And if his boss is in AA himself, you can't fool another drunk. The boss will KNOW what the problem is without anyone's having to spell it out.
My own suggestion is you continue to go to Al-Anon FOR YOURSELF (which is why it exists) and share about him only in confidence.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
The most important thing, though, is to keep yourself safe.
Working on the "whys" is less important than removing yourself to a safe environment.
Someone recommended a book to me, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
I'd suggest you read a copy, and keep it safe. It helped me recognize things.
Working on the "whys" is less important than removing yourself to a safe environment.
Someone recommended a book to me, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
I'd suggest you read a copy, and keep it safe. It helped me recognize things.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by tryintosmile
I don't 'want' to protect this man - but where his livelihood is concerned, I know to tread carefully. Not because he would lose his job or anything, but because he bases his whole life around people thinking that he's that upstanding guy in every way. IF people started finding out anything about who he really is, he might lose his verve to do anything.
It's an image that keeps him going. It might be a progressive disease, but in the 14 years I've been with him he has been able to drink a large amount of whiskey/vodka - straight - in a relatively short period of time every night, and never miss a day of work. Everything is so well balanced, that just ONE thing putting a wrench in this 'system', could wreak some kind of havoc, and I haven't any idea what that could bring. My hope would be for him to hit bottom and discover healing - and - my nightmare would be that he would lose it and do something terrible to someone - or himself. I don't know how else to explain this feeling that I have, because it's only an intuition.
It's an image that keeps him going. It might be a progressive disease, but in the 14 years I've been with him he has been able to drink a large amount of whiskey/vodka - straight - in a relatively short period of time every night, and never miss a day of work. Everything is so well balanced, that just ONE thing putting a wrench in this 'system', could wreak some kind of havoc, and I haven't any idea what that could bring. My hope would be for him to hit bottom and discover healing - and - my nightmare would be that he would lose it and do something terrible to someone - or himself. I don't know how else to explain this feeling that I have, because it's only an intuition.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I found that writing down event and my feelings in a journal really helped me. Especially when I found an entry a year old that could have been written teh day before, so little had changed. It really worked a number on my denial.
And once we were separated and I was telling friends the kind of things he would say to me or the way he would act, they just stared at me. And I thought "is it really that awful? that unbelievable? are we that unusual?" and I now know the answer is "yes."
And once we were separated and I was telling friends the kind of things he would say to me or the way he would act, they just stared at me. And I thought "is it really that awful? that unbelievable? are we that unusual?" and I now know the answer is "yes."
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