hadenoughnow

This is what I see (divorced for almost 3 years from exah).

Blah blah blah blah blah, quack quack quack quack. I am all better now but look what you did you ruined everything by leaving me and our kids have a broken home look what a catch I amnow pleasetakemeback. Quack quack quack, blah blah blah.

theuncertainty

Hey, Thumper. You sound so strong! I think being on the receiving end of that e-mail, I'd have been a quivering mass of self-doubt (to paraphrase NoDay's signature).

I have to concur with Hydrogirl and Smacked. It struck me as manipulative, full of self-pity, self-centeredness and guilt trips. What a load.

barb dwyer

I don't see a SPECK of ownership in that rambling.

There's nothing for you to be responsible FOR, IMO.

I think all the 'wah wah' about family is just outright manipulation
and he's even now looking for someone to blame.

yeesh.

Seren

Great post Beth, this almost made me snort coffee through my nose!

LaTeeDa

I think he's right where he needs to be. Surrounded by people who can teach him how to "accept life on life's terms." Meanwhile, you can get on with your life and delete his emails.

L

laurie6781

You know I was that way about my own recovery from alcohol and drugs. MY EXPECTATIONS.

Then my sponsor quietly but firmly explained to me that ................. I had drank for 24 years, 20 of it alcoholically, and how in the he!! could I expect to be all well in 90 days? roflmao boy did that open my eyes.

Then I got to AlAnon at 3 years sober, raging about my AH that had changed addictions to Gambling but was exhibiting all the behavior of an active alcoholic and again I got the message, take my eyes off of him and put them back on myself, that he was not going to get better in my 'time line' but his. MY EXPECTATIONS again, sheesh.

Unfortunately, he never did get well. Found out about 6 years after our divorce that not only was he still gambling but had gone back to drinking also. He died in January of '09.

I guess over these many years, I have learned a wee bit of patience as long as I have some 'distance' from the current A in my life (be it a family member or a sponsee) and I have learned that MY EXPECTATIONS only cause me more harm than good. I just sit and watch, lol

Again, Thumper, you have a great program of growth working for you, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Love and hugs,

johnnymau

I agree with everything that has already been said, especially the self-pitying, manipulative, quackiness of his email, and your intelligent decision not to respond, but I wanted to add:

Maybe one of the reasons this communication affected you so much is that, beneath the cynicism, you naturally would like to see him succeed in his recovery, if for no other reason than his relationship with your kids. So you are feeling torn between wanting what is best for him and dismissing any hope that he gets better as a total crock.

Maybe you could find some serenity in the thought that, if he does continue to work a program of recovery, he might come to see the damage his behavior has caused, take responsibility for it, and even be in acceptance about the outcome. Stranger things/ bigger miracles have happened. The good news is that you already know you are powerless over anything that happens with him, and can let go and focus on your life. Which, I might add, seems like it is getting better!

Taking5

God this is so true. No matter how bad you are, no matter how bad you have effed things in your life up, there is always someone worse in AA, especially if you are looking for it.

This is why they tell us to look for the similarities, not the differences.

Taking5

Yeah the "why did this happen to us" routine makes it sound like he is the victim of a natural disaster or just an unfortunate accident. Zero ownership, zero responsibility.

Thumper

Thank you. My struggle with this wasn't so much about him (there really isn't an 'us' anymore) but about my odd reaction to the email. This thread has been really helpful to me. SR saves me over and over!

Oh yes. This is certainly true. I am blessedly free of the resentments. The gift he'd give our children, and himself, with recovery would be immeasurable and I do want that.


Lol, Yeah - He probably named it Hurricane Thumper at this point!

barb dwyer

That was my point as well. thanks DG and SC.

YOur family wasn't destroyed by a meteor strike in the suburbs.

That's what I mean by ownership.

And I loved the pink cloud/combat boots thing.

This is where WE learn
to read progress)(or not)
put the phone down
and get back to what we were doing before the call/text.

That's what I mean by 'distance'.

It can be news
I can feel something about it
but I don't have to bleed all over the carpet any more either.

johnnymau

You may want to consider this as a new screen name...

Babyblue

I love in his email how everything is minimized:

"They want me to stay on for more counseling".

Really means, 'I'm still a hot mess and they are strongly recommending more counseling to deal with the severity of my drinking'.

I doubt they are begging him to stay because they just love talking to him!

(Who is it that does those 'translations?' on here)

I see it also in my RABF, this disconnect with how their drinking wreaked havoc on the lives of their children, destroyed families, broke marriages.

I think it is the fact that processing the enormity of the damage drinking does to a family is too big to handle so early in recovery so it is better to be wistful and nostalgic.

You aren't being cynical, you are dealing with reality. Let's hope he gets there some day. Stay strong!

dancingnow

Just thinking the part that would make me cynical is how he says - "You are so special to me, your being pregnant and how you handle that..."

To me it reminds me of my AH manipulation for me to look at the good things we share (as if he is God and totally responsible for the miracle of having wonderful children) and also my AH immaturity to not be able to relate to me in a healthy emotionally giving and receiving way and only see me as the mom of our kids.

Thanks for the share. Even though not divorced but separated, I have trouble not feeling cynical when my AH makes statements like that email and insists I have a problem for not being positive.

Hoping we will meet in the middle someday with AA and Alanon help!

I like when someone said earlier it's just a feeling and it passes. That is helpful to me too.

Learn2Live

Where I'm at with this sort of thing anymore, is he's dumping on you (IMO). What he's saying causes me anxiety. Which makes me try to figure out why he's saying what he's saying? Like, is he working a program and that's why he's writing this? Is he just sharing? Etc. Then I STOP, because I realize there are too many questions. And whenever dealing with ANYONE causes this anxious feeling, or too many questions, I know there's something wrong. Can I change or fix that? Nope. What do I need to do to bring myself peace? Ignore everything he said and throw away/delete the note. And go about making myself as happy and comfortable as I possibly can.

Or what Coyote said: QUACK!!!

naive

i am just writing to try to hook you in again.

i don't want to but since i have no money, no home i might as well stay here, unless of course you take me back. then i'll be outta here in a minute.

see what you've done to me! i prefer a family where you go get all the money, i have no parenting responsibilities and i get to see the boys as it suits me and when i can't be bothered to parent them, you will.

since i refuse to face myself or take responsibility, my conscience keeps bugging me. it's incessant. i could use a drink. that always quiets it. hmm. maybe i could up my anti-anxiety meds...not the same as drink but might do the trick.

i want so much better FOR MYSELF. you have no idea how hard it is, to be here with no alcohol. it's easy for you, you seemed to have moved on. but i think if i keep talking about how much i miss the boys, you might take me back. then things can get back to how they used to be.

i think if i talk about the boys and the counseling, she might buy back in. i have no intention of taking accountability for the harm i have done the boys...in fact, it's all your fault. you're the one who broke up the family by kicking me out.

i am exceptional, can't you see that! those other things that happen to alcoholics, like losing their family and their jobs, can't happen to me. this is only a minor setback, this rehab mumbo jumbo. can't you see what a great team we make! because i am exceptional, our family will not be a broken one. you'll see. that kind of stuff only happens to alcoholics, and i am not an alcoholic. this is just a result of the phase your going through.

i don't believe in "getting it out". what works for me is to drink! then i don't have these problems, i can shake the feelings. gee, can't you understand that i am not an alcoholic! i just have an anxiety problem because of what you have done to me.

poor, poor me. see what you've done to me? you are going to ruin my life. it's your fault.

why are you doing this to me?!!

family is important to her. i'll try to rope her in, by calling on that. i really don't know why she can't see how special and caring I am. i will keep talking about our boys, our families...that always works with her.

oh, poor, poor me. if she writes back, that'll be my ticket back to easy street. she'll write back, all that family talk always hooks her.

you are my woman. i see you as a baby maker. you are mine, like my car is mine. oh, forgot, i don't have a car anymore. but i still have you, once you get over this phase you're going through.

only i will know. oh, i forgot about you. yeah, you were there too. hmm. i better lay it on thick at the end here, so that she feels sorry for me. then she'll come rushing to the rescue, like she always has. she really has no idea how difficult is here in the center...all she has to do is go to work and raise the boys...everything is so easy for her.

Thumper

stella27

oh naive. You do have a way with the decoding.

Thumper, if my X ever wrote me something like that, I would be a puddle of marshmallow on the floor. I wouldn't give in, but I would have a hard time keping myself together. It pushes all my buttons, but it ends with "how dare you have walked out on us!" I sometimes have to grapple with my anger a little bit - especially where my kids are concerned.

Learn2Live

OMG Naive, I think I'm in love with you! (just kidding).

I'd like to add to this:
Let me just lay on the GUILT really thick. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. YOU! It's all you! See what you are doing?!!? You are breaking the family up and the kids are going to be ****** up and it's all your fault!

Emotional BLACKMAIL. I used to fall for this kind of thing all the time. Without even being aware of it. TOXICITY, that's what it is. Yuck.

keepinon

my 18 year old was on heroin and I got a more insightful letter than that at 30 days..and wowza they are still hot messes at 30 days in my experience..I heard no apologies for anything, just complaints...I would take this as confirmation that the dicvorce was a great idea..