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Hi Everyone..I could use some advise..

Old 02-02-2011, 05:08 PM
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Hi Everyone..I could use some advise..

My boyfriend/fiance and both began a progress of recovery back in september of last year..we both did very well and we were really happy with our sobriety..however, just after christmas he relapsed and has been a changed man ever since, i did my best to support him and help him with his guilt.. but now it has come to no talking, not interacting, no touching..now i found out he has been lying about going to his regular aa meeting...he has become touchy, edgy, verbally loud and easily p'd off...when i am able to talk to him he says he is just in a bad mood, its him and has nothing to do with me..i'm nearly at my whits end and feel like i'm walking on eggshells..any insight or suggestions is appreciated greatly...thank you!
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:12 PM
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Get to an Al-Anon meeting. Seriously.

You are affected by another person's alcoholism.

There are a lot of "double winners" who are in both AA and Al-Anon. Learning to detach from his problems will make your life--with or without him--much better.
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Get to an Al-Anon meeting. Seriously.

You are affected by another person's alcoholism.

There are a lot of "double winners" who are in both AA and Al-Anon. Learning to detach from his problems will make your life--with or without him--much better.
I plan to do this lexie, for sure, but i was hoping for some insight before i went..
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:23 PM
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Hello littleking!!!

First: Congratulations on your sober time!!!!!!
What a fantastic accomplishment!!

On this side of the equation, we learn what we like to call the 3 C's
You did not cause his addiction.
You cannot control is addiction.
You cannot cure him.

He will have to truly want to change his life for himself and no amount of begging, pleading, arguing, yelling, bargaining, blackmailing will work......

I hope that you will stick around SR, read around the threads for a bit, and try to make a plan for yourself, your continued recovery, and what sort of behavior you are willing (or more importantly NOT willing) to accept around you.

Hugs and welcome,
HG
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Hello littleking!!!

First: Congratulations on your sober time!!!!!!
What a fantastic accomplishment!!

On this side of the equation, we learn what we like to call the 3 C's
You did not cause his addiction.
You cannot control is addiction.
You cannot cure him.

He will have to truly want to change his life for himself and no amount of begging, pleading, arguing, yelling, bargaining, blackmailing will work......

I hope that you will stick around SR, read around the threads for a bit, and try to make a plan for yourself, your continued recovery, and what sort of behavior you are willing (or more importantly NOT willing) to accept around you.

Hugs and welcome,
HG
Thank you hydro, i certainly am not willing to accept this current behavior and that was my main point in posting..i just don't understand it..he says he is still sober, but now he has withdrawn into a man i don't recognize anymore, i dont know if this is just a phase following his relapse or worse is he drinking again and hiding it from me...i took a moment to look over similar threads, but their significant others were not in recovery yet..
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:57 PM
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The behavior you describe is not really "recovery" even if he is NOT using right now. Watch his actions, not his words. What do his actions tell you? Do you find it acceptable that you feel you have to walk around on eggshells, that you are afraid anything you say will set him off?

One thing I've learned, it is neither our fault nor our responsibility that our "qualifiers" are unhappy. That's quite a relief, don't you think? Not my fault!!!!

Many people here have been where you are. You are not alone......

Keep reading and asking questions, it can get better for YOU.
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:06 PM
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He is right, it has nothing to do with you.

My SO is in recovery and it is still a rollercoaster for him emotionally. When he relapsed, it was awful to see him in that state but the more I tried to 'involved' the more he distanced himself from me. All I could do was pray and keep my fingers crossed that he would work himself back to recovery.. and he did.

If your bf was doing great with recovery and relapsed, hopefully he will get back to recovery and learn from it (assuming he is working a program). Oh and do try Al-anon.
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:07 PM
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he went thru a similar phase the first two weeks or so after our vow of sobriety, but then things got better and we were doing things...going to movies, walks with the dogs, the museums, shops, christmas as absolutley wonderful..now its been a month after his relapse...is the second time at sobriety harder than the first? i could handle this situation if it passes as it did before, but i CANT handle his behavior if it doesn't change soon...
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
He is right, it has nothing to do with you.

My SO is in recovery and it is still a rollercoaster for him emotionally. When he relapsed, it was awful to see him in that state but the more I tried to 'involved' the more he distanced himself from me. All I could do was pray and keep my fingers crossed that he would work himself back to recovery.. and he did.
Thank you..there is hope, and i will continue to pray..
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:12 PM
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..and yes, he is in a working program..however, his sponsor called this afternoon and said he missed him at the previous nights meeting which worries me more than i can put into words
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:12 PM
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Well you shouldn't 'handle' his behavior at all, whether or not he has a drinking problem isn't an excuse to make you feel awful.

Is he sober now? There is no easy number of times for how a relapse is handled. The hope is that each time there is something learned but there are people who relapse constantly. Or some that find sobriety and don't relapse.

It all depends on how much he wants sobriety and to live a sober life. He isn't coming out of a coma Meaning, he is chosing to not seek recovery. No one is forcing him to drink. When and if he tries recovery again, success will always depend upon how much he wants to stay sober.

I know you are frustrated but you can't quantify or qualify the illness because it varies from person to person. That is why you need to just take care of YOU. There is no crystal ball sadly.
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:19 PM
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Could he be distancing himself from you because your sobriety has been easier for you?

Could he be angry and afraid because alcohol has a stronger control over him than he wants to admit?

You can only ask him.
Or say --you seem down, anything I can do to help?
I don't know what the man's thinking, nobody does. But, even in detachment and helping yourself, I still believe in caring, kindness, and compassion.
If he barks when you try to be caring, then yes, you have to back off and let him work it out all alone while taking care of YOU.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by littleking View Post
i could handle this situation if it passes as it did before, but i CANT handle his behavior if it doesn't change soon...
Welcome to SR, Littleking, and congratulations on your sobriety. The above section of your post really jumped out at me. For a couple reasons. Every one's road to recovery is different, and it's impossible to put a timeline on any healing. Next, your recovery is really important, please make sure you're getting the support you need.

IDK. Not drinking and working on recovery aren't exactly the same thing. If he's missing meetings, it sounds to me like he's not really working at it anymore. It's up to him to decide to work at it.

Hugs.
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
Could he be distancing himself from you because your sobriety has been easier for you?

Could he be angry and afraid because alcohol has a stronger control over him than he wants to admit?

You can only ask him.
Or say --you seem down, anything I can do to help?
I don't know what the man's thinking, nobody does. But, even in detachment and helping yourself, I still believe in caring, kindness, and compassion.
If he barks when you try to be caring, then yes, you have to back off and let him work it out all alone while taking care of YOU.
This thought did cross my mind, he did tell me once that it p'd him off how well i could sleep..at the time i thought he was joking...and I believe wholeheartedly in caring, kindness and compassion also...
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:42 AM
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To him it may look like you are stronger and have more self-control, even to the point that you are more of a "man" than he is.

That's his negative thinking, you don't own it, whatever is going on in his head.
And--it's not your job to try to figure out what's going on in his head.

Keep working on your own healing. He has to find his own way. This is one of those detach with love moments I guess.
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