LonesomeD

I feel so pathetic. I've confronted my AW several times in the past few months about doing something to get sober. She gets so defensive. "Her friends all drink and their husbands don't mind". Except I doubt that her friends sit home alone and drink themselves stupid...all alone. I doubt they hide bottles of wine and buzz bombs in secret places around the house to indulge whenever they get a moment alone. I doubt they've erupted into the hateful rages that we have to deal with. Her childhood was hard so she has to drink...boohoo...we've been married 23 years.
We all try to pretend that it's not happening...that everything's okay, but it's tearing at my soul all the time now. How can I get through the next six years, until the youngest turns eighteen?
Should I just smile and pray nothing really bad happens?
Should I pull her hidden stash and set it on the table when I find it to show her how pathetic it is?
Can I get her drunk and put her on a plane to Afghanistan? WTH?

lillamy

Hi & welcome...
Sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm pretty sure you belong here. I know I recognize your story way too well. Every detail of it. Including the wanting to put the spouse on a plane to Afghanistan. Except I was more daydreaming about how great it would be if my husband was in a car accident and died. Yup. Living with an alcoholic makes you think things you wouldn't ever think you're capable of.

First of all -- you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You also don't have to pretend, smile, and cover for her for the next six years. I think your kids probably are aware that their mom is drunk a lot, and they could probably use some guidance on how to handle it, too.

I would recommend starting by reading the stickied posts on top here -- lots and lots of good information there -- and then, really, considering visiting Al-Anon. I know it sounds silly, but when I was married to a raving alcoholic, Al-Anon was what made it possible for me to retain my sanity and to rebuild my confidence to the point where I was capable of making a balanced decision about whether to stay or whether to leave.

In my case, my husband didn't believe me when I said I'd leave if he didn't get help. When I did leave, he went straight to rehab and has been sober ever since. But at that point, it was too late for our marriage to survive. There are as many ways to live with or without an alcoholic, sober or not, as there are people posting here. And everyone has some wisdom and ideas and hugs to share.

So hang out and talk. I know it helps me, every day.

tjp613

Why do you have to wait until the youngest turns 18 to do something? Have you talked to your children about the drinking (i.e., the elephant in the living room)?

Welcome to SR-- you're gonna love this place!

corkel

Hi LonesomeD, You are NOT pathetic. It's one of the many feelings we have when dealing with an A. Many of us here have experienced the same feelings you are going through. You could confront her about her drinking until you're blue in the face and it won't change anything. Believe me, I spent years doing it. My AH also had a "bad" childhood. I don't know, my childhood wasn't "peachy" either, and I'm not an addict. Why don't they get counseling instead of turning to the bottle? Who knows? I too, used to take all of the vodka bottles I found hidden and put them on the kitchen table for my AH to see in the morning. No response, he just left for work as usual. There are several good men on this forum that have/had an AW too. Keep posting and talking it out. You are not alone.

Eight Ball

Hi LonesomeD and welcome to SR

I read your post and 'Excuses Alcoholics Make' immediately sprung to mind. Your AW excuse that she cant be that bad as her friends drink too can be found on the list. - see link below. I bet you can spot a few more 'excuses' your wife uses too! Many of us have heard several.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html

I too, in the early days before SR and Al-anon would ask my AH nicely to cut down, not give up just cut down and he would go out the following day and buy another crate of beer. Whenever I confronted my AH he would always turn the conversation around, so that it became about me, such as I was lazy, boring, didn't wash enough - it takes the focus off them and their drinking and makes it about you or they leave you thinking that if you wasn't so boring, lazy etc then they wouldn't drink as much. Its absolute alcoholic behavior used to protect their addiction.

Nothing you say or do will make your wife sober. Thats the 3 c's that lillamy mentioned.

Through SR and Al-anon, I have learnt to accept the 3 c's and it definitely makes my life of choosing to continue to live with an alcoholic more bearable.

By the way - you are certainly not pathetic. I have been married for close to 23yrs to my husband and it takes a strong person to do that, let alone one married to an alcoholic.

We have plenty of men in my local Al-anon group, a couple of whom came originally to 'shock' their wives into getting help. I think I went originally thinking that I could learn how to make my AH better. Many of us stay around and soon start feeling better, many keep coming back to stay sane! Al-anon could help you too if you give it a try.

I can tell from your thread that your at the end of your tether and extremely resentful of your wife. Sometimes when my husband is cruel, I cry and he says 'boohoohoo' to me or 'here we go again' and it makes me worse (rage). Not suggesting at all that you are doing this to your wife but I can hear your resentment and that resentment is called 'enabling' and allows her to have a reason to keep drinking. It probably doesn't make sense yet, but please keep reading SR and the stickies up the top. They are full of useful information and knowledge about the disease of alcoholism and its effects on us and our families including the one I linked above. Merry Go Round is one of my personal favorites.

Welcome once again - its good knowing your not the only one hey?

coyote21

Hey LD,
Let me start by saying you are definitely NOT pathetic, but I totally "get it", as I felt the same a few short years ago.

I second the suggestion for Al-Anon, and the "stickies" at the top of the main page, along with the section here titled "The Best of SR". Here's another good link that goes against everything we've been taught all our lives, about how to "help" someone, http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

All of our "instincts" kind of go out the window when we're dealing with alcoholism, it's truly a different "animal".

Lots of good men on here lately in just your same position, and lots of good wisdom, so I hope you stick around and learn how you can help yourself and your 12yo kid.

Also, is there some kind of "plague" going on down here in Texas? Lots of new "neighbors" coming around lately.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. You COULD wait till your youngest turns 18, but man, why would you? There's help here and in Al-Anon if you want it.

sailorjohn

Well, you could put yourself on a plane to Afghanistan-or Iraq.

Ime, wouldn't recommend that.

Maybe just establish a boundary, for example, I don't want to be married to someone that drinks like you do.

Or you could just bear it.

hurtandangry

Hi Lonesome,
I’ve found that talking, begging, pleading or trying to rationalize with my AW didn’t work.
Neither did looking for “the bottle” or trying any other manipulative behavior.
What I have done is to physically separate my son and I from my AW, I will talk or e-mail with her so long as our discourse remains positive.
We can only work on ourselves, protect our children and hope, pray, and cuss the alcoholic…just don’t let the kids hear the cussin’.
In the end you’ll either put up with her behavior or you won’t.
Good luck man!