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Hindsite is 20/20—Answers I wish I’d been told and smart enough to heed in 98'

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Hindsite is 20/20—Answers I wish I’d been told and smart enough to heed in 98'

Old 02-03-2011, 11:04 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
Must say---
DO NOT DO THIS.
Do not try to finish unfinished business with parents in a romantic relationship.
It dam*n near about killed me, because the same issues were unresolved the same way.
Daddy issues.
No need to repeat history in life. Free yourself by NOT going down that road again.
Thinks this advice in this book could near kill somebody.
In defense of Harville Hendrix (who I happen to think is brilliant), this is not "advice" he is giving. It is analysis based on many years of counseling couples. He's not telling anyone to go find someone to resolve their unfinished business. He is saying we all do this to some extent, and it is not a conscious choice for the most part. His books attempt to bring it to the conscious level, so that we can see why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to, and recognize how our psyche is searching for some kind of resolution.

L
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:08 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Yes, Thumper, you are correct. There can be no conscious effort and dialogue with active addiction in the mix. In that case, we are left to find our own resolution and healing, or repeat the pattern again........

L
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:09 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
In defense of Harville Hendrix (who I happen to think is brilliant), this is not "advice" he is giving. It is analysis based on many years of counseling couples. He's not telling anyone to go find someone to resolve their unfinished business. He is saying we all do this to some extent, and it is not a conscious choice for the most part. His books attempt to bring it to the conscious level, so that we can see why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to, and recognize how our psyche is searching for some kind of resolution.

L
Thanks for that clarification!
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Old 02-03-2011, 04:13 PM
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from jrlcpl: I often wonder if I am subconciously attracted to/attracting an addictive type person. I am going through a divorce and would love to eventually meet someone else, but I am scared to death I will go down the same road.

I was freaked out when I got divorced too about my future relationship possibilities and my poor choices in a partner. My codependency, learned at the feet of my A dad and codie mom, was a big reason for my miserable marriage.

I got myself into therapy during the first year after I split up with my exH. I really wanted to know how to change my ways and I needed that weekly appointment to keep me on track. I also went back to AlAnon for a while and reinforced the tools I had learned there in my 20s.

I've been in the healthiest relationship of my life now for 10 years.
1. I picked a better candidate and
2. I really changed my bad habits of mind
Sometimes codependent traits creep up on me but I have the knowledge and tools now to slay those dragons and I keep practicing my healthy behaviors. Not easy, but worth it.

Cyranoak your original post was awesome. While I agree with people saying don't beat yourself up - I too had a list like this and I too was angry - I needed to be clear-eyed and honest with myself - not to beat myself up but just to get real and responsible. I needed that anger to fuel my motivation for change. Yes, if I was still looking back and still pi**ed off years after coming clean honestly with myself, then I'd think I had issues - but if you're just making this list now (even if it happened in 98) and removing the veil then I say congratulations - a new bright and peaceful future awaits you, if you find the way that works for you to change your harmful habits of mind!

Peace--
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:07 PM
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I liked reading Hendrix and thought he made a lot of sense. But I don't think Imago is all that realistic. First, it's pretty limited unless you go on the weekend couple's retreat and pay a good chunk of change. Second, I've yet to meet a guy who wants to spend that much time and energy to help me work through MY childhood issues. And honestly, I don't want to spend my relationship time doing that either.

I'm rather independent though. And a true believer in Self-Actualization. Through Al-Anon I learned to parent myself. Also, if I have to spend that much time and effort communicating my intentions and my needs to my partner, I probably need to get a new partner.

I could see how it would be great to teach kids that method of communication though.
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:16 PM
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You know, when I read that book (Getting the Love you Want), I was separated from my husband. My therapist recommended it to me since I was still of the mind that the marriage could be saved, even though we weren't living together.

But, the book, and the exercises in it, are really about self-actualization. More than half of the stuff, you can do by yourself. And I did. And I learned a lot about myself.

I think the retreats are for couples who are on the verge of divorce, but want to save their marriages--without addiction or alcoholism involved.

I had a very clever therapist.

L
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:34 PM
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More than half of the stuff, you can do by yourself. And I did. And I learned a lot about myself.
Now I am going to have to dig that book out. It's probably in the same box as my Courage to Change...somewhere in the basement
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:54 AM
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Cyranoak - Why are you so unhappy now?

Since your AW is in recovery....and you "love her very, very much"....can you share with us what the residual issues are that you're dealing with?

Growth IS painful. Maybe this is a sign of good things coming to you. ((((Hugs))))
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