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Feeling a little lost...

Old 02-01-2011, 10:44 AM
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Feeling a little lost...

Hi there...I just found this site yesterday while I was google searching for information...I just want to tell everyone a little about my story...

I met my bf almost 2 years ago over the summer...I met him in a pub close to my house that my friend and I occasionally went to...I'm a single mom with 3 awesome kids...We had a great relationship for the first year...I fell in love with him and my kids fell in love with him too...He moved in with us after about 4 months of dating...He was always super attentive to me (and to the kids), very sweet, very loving...He always drank but I didn't really see it as a problem in the beginning...I also knew that he use to be addicted to cocaine...I have never been around drugs or an alcoholic in my life...I just thought that we were strong enough to get through anything together...He started being drunk more and more...He started to get mean with me (only in the last few months), which he had NEVER done in the past, ever...He has never been physical with me but that is not to say that I haven't been afraid that he could be...I have been afraid of him a couple of times...All of a sudden he became someone I didn't know...Very unreliable, not being home when he said he would be, telling me he wanted freedom to "drink" because thats when he feels happy...I ended up kicking him out, this isn't the first time but its never been this final...He always comes back crying and apologetic the next day and its really hard for me because in those moments when hes sober I see glimpses of what he use to be ...This time, I discovered that I am pregnant...5 weeks pregnant now...We have had some conversations and I learned that he has been not only drinking but he has been using and lying to me for over a year...I had no idea...I feel so stupid for not seeing the signs...He has been "clean" supposedly for over a week because he says he wants to be a part of our lives, however, he is drinking a lot...The only time I hear from him since he has moved out, is in the middle of the night after I am asleep and my kids are in bed...He will call repeatedly and when he comes over he is intoxicated and argumentative...I have offered to go to AA/NA with him, I have looked at treatment options for him...He doesn't seem to be interested in any of it...He says he can do it on his own...Last night I didn't answer his calls...I'm devastated by this and so are my kids (athough they obviously don't know about the drugs and only a little about the alcohol as they have seen him intoxicated)...I don't know if I should stand by him and help him through it or if I should run so my baby isn't raised always feeling like he/she can't compete with the alcohol/drugs...That is how I feel so what impact will it have on an innocent child?? Sorry to keep rambling, I'm just beside myself and don't really know what to do anymore...Thanks for listening!
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:10 AM
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The first thing you should know are the 3C's:

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

His drinking and his drugs are his problem, NOT your problem. You have no obligation to ride this roller coaster with him.

Unfortunately addicts are not known for seeing help until they hit some sort of bottom, and some have to fall lower than others before they start looking for help. Also, an alcoholic needs some sort of program. It does not have to be AA/NA, as those programs don't work for everybody, but it has to be something, and relying on "your help" or doing it "for you" is just more attempts at manipulating you to stay, feel responsible for his bad choices, and try to dig him out of it so he doesn't have to hit his bottom and can keep drinking in peace.

Don't worry about long posts, or ranting and raving, or anything like that. All of us have been where you are, and many of us are still there!
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:13 AM
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Put yourself first, kids second.

Thanks for sharing your story and keep reading and posting. There are tons of us here with similar experiences.
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:28 AM
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Welcome to SR. So sorry your going through this though the story is not new it still hurts all the same.

My thought is if he wants to be part of the family he has a lot of work to do first, since he is already moved out there is no reason to put yourself or your children through any more. Maybe look at it like you have just met this man, because that is what is really happening. They say in the rooms of recovery not go get involved in a relationship for a min of a year when they get clean and sober. So give him his year to get help and you can keep your focus on yourself and children.

His recovery is not your job to help and to be honest if he is not doing the work to find help and get sober for himself he is not ready and will only drag you deeper. Don't try so hard to help him, instead just let him help himself and maybe you could seek out an Alnon meeting and get support for yourself

Looking forward to getting to know you better, stick around and keep reading
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:28 AM
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Welcome to SR mybump, here you will find lots of ESH (experience, strength and hope).
I am so sorry for what you are going through but I am glad you found this site.

Take a look at the "Sticky" section on top of the forum, the "Classical Reading" section has lots of useful articles. Have you considered going to Alanon? those meetings are for Friends and Family of addicts and would help you cope, heal and feel less lonely.

I felt very lonely when an ex BF started acting up the same way. I went to AA meetings to try to understand 'his side' and those were helpful to me as well. Everyone was nice to me, and understood. I just showed up, listened and left, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

Knowing about alcoholism and all its faces helped me get a more realistic sense of what I was "fighting against".

You can't "help him through it". Who can help him through it? psychologists, doctors, specialists, fellow alcoholics in recovery. You have given him tools, contacts, chances to recover and he has ignored them. He has not hit bottom. No one knows when, or if, he will ever hit bottom.

Feel free to post here, seek real life support and remember there is much hope and peace to be enjoyed by you and your kids, the decisions of this man are only his to make; and you can decide if you allow him in your life or not, based on who he is now. Not who he COULD be, or MAY be someday. On who he IS now, as shown by his acts. (Words are easy to say, actions show reality)

I left the ex 2 years ago, today he drinks the same way (or more, he used to arrive to work with a hangover and now he arrives to work STILL drunk at 9 AM). He never admitted his issue, he got someone else willing to accept his way of drinking and his anger and his abuse. Had I waited to "help him" I would only have more emotional scars and pain in my heart. You can only base your decisions in the now, in reality, not in fantasies... it hurts a lot but you are not alone, and you deserve a life with peace, love and serenity...

Hugs!!
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:52 AM
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hi mybump and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place. SR saved my butt so many times.

Like Starcat said, HIS drinking = HIS problem. He's a grown man and if he decides that he wants to drown himself in booze and coke, then he's entitled to it. Whether or not he drags you and your children down with him is YOUR decision.

You have power over one thing: yourself. You can decide what you find acceptable in your relationship and what you don't.

From the sounds of your post, your boyfriend isn't at all ready to discuss recovery, so there's really no question about "sticking it out and helping him", since he clearly doesn't want any help.

Originally Posted by mybump View Post
I don't know if I should stand by him and help him through it or if I should run so my baby isn't raised always feeling like he/she can't compete with the alcohol/drugs...That is how I feel so what impact will it have on an innocent child??
I am the mother of a 2 year old toddler and the former spouse of an alcoholic. I strongly advise you to distance yourself from this man, who is obviously becoming abusive with you as he progresses in his disease. Your children deserve a sane, healthy and SAFE home, and being with your boyfriend will bring nothing of that to your lives.
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:14 PM
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Hi mybump.. welcome to SR

Your post resonated with me. I was clearing out my hotmail account today and came across early emails from my ex. Reading them back.. years later, time flies.. I saw a very sweet, endearing, loving man. I had to smile, in a peverse way, because that very man became emotionally then physically abusive. Who knew.. certainly not me!

Now, with the benefit of experience and hindsight, I can see the hook that was put in me.

My disquiet.. I ignored. It was my little voice screaming RED FLAG, that I ignored.

Keep reading, posting, getting the opinions and experience of all the awesome people here. I wish I'd done it sooner than I did.

You're not alone.

Tx
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:27 PM
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Don't apologize for rambling. Listening,learning and helping ourselves and others is what's done here.

Like you I came to this site while searching for information and found a lifeline. Grab on. You are welcome.

You said, "I don't know if I should stand by him and help him through it or if I should run so my baby isn't raised always feeling like he/she can't compete with the alcohol/drugs."

You can't stand by him. He's an alcoholic and a cocaine user.
He's a liar. You can't count on him. Your kids can't count on him. You did the right thing tossing him out.

I can't imagine what it's like to be pregnant and have three kids in your situation. I'd be scared too. But if you let this man stay in your life the long term effects on your kids will be devastating.

Kids aren't stupid. You can only hide his behavior for so long.
If he stays around they will grow up in a home where drinking and using drugs is tolerated. Kids don't much listen to what parents say. They "listen" to what their parents/role models do. Actions speak louder than words.

Keep this man away from your children. He's not doing you any good either. You are talking to someone with a brain compromised by alcohol and drugs. His words aren't real.
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Old 02-01-2011, 04:41 PM
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Thank You

Thank you all so much...I'm so relieved to be able to talk and get things out...I'm going to an al-anon meeting tomorrow...I have put it off for a while and I'm not really sure why...I guess I'm just afraid of the reality...I'll post more tomorrow ...

Thank you again!!
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:11 PM
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Welcome, mybump. Similar story, different man. For many of us here.

Education is empowering - it has helped me tremendously. Take care of yourself and your kids as best you can; this is hard on everyone. Someone posted last week (and now I can't remember which post) that the kids need to be taken care of, while your grown up (sort of) ABF can take care of himself. Try to keep that focus. It's a good one to have.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:23 AM
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How are you today mybump?
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Old 02-02-2011, 12:19 PM
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Good morning!

I'm good today (so far ), thanks for asking nodaybut2day!

I just got back from my first Al anon meeting...I'm doing a lot of reflecting and I'm not really able to put into words what I'm feeling yet...It was amazing...It felt so good to be with people who understand, because they have lived it or are living it, what I'm going through...I've really struggled (with my friends and family) with feeling like a complete idiot for even being with ABF but I don't today...What really hit home today is that I CANNOT change him at all...I can only take care of myself and my kids and control the way I react to him and in that he will either fall over, walk away, or stand up straight...Obviously I pray that he will stand up straight but I know that I will be okay regardless of what happens...The other thing that kept being repeated in the meeting today was "Let go and let God"...I think I'm going to make that my new mantra...I really have no control and today I feel okay with that...I'm pregnant so that could last for the 20 mins or 20 hours and then I will feel a million different emotions but I feel good about it right now and I can't wait to go back to the next meeting...Thank you all for recommending that I go...I had been thinking about going but I tend to really isolate myself and shut down so you gave me a push yesterday and it got me there today...I'm thankful for this site and for the group I met with today as well...
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Old 02-02-2011, 12:40 PM
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I am so grateful for the others in my AlAnon meeting.
I don't know where I'd be without them.
There's so much strength in that room, and so much hope, and so much understanding.
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:40 AM
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Hi there...Need to vent a little...I ABF was calling me all night and I ignored his calls...He showed up at my house pounding on my door at 2 am asking me for a ride...Apparently he was in a car accident tonight, supposedly not his fault but he was driving his mom's car not his own...Thank God he is okay, altho sometimes I wish he would get arrested for DUI or something to make him see what he is doing...Anyway, I follow him back to drop his truck off for his mom to use in the morning and he wanted to stay the night with me so he came back to my house...Hes drunk, of course hes drunk, hes drunk every night since he moved out of my house...We are talking and hes in his poor me poor me why does this always happen to me state...And then he starts getting angry because WSP took so long to respond blah blah blah and how he was right by their station blah blah blah...I made one comment saying that the troopers weren't waiting in the station for a call that they were probably out in the field handling other calls and that was it...He blew up...My dog had an accident, shes now scared to death of him (she use to love him to death) and he proceeded to pick her up by the throat and just hold her, choking her...I freaked out, he let her go...Shes been vomiting ...My poor dog, how did it come to this??? I don't know who this monster is...He isn't the man that I met and fell in love with almost 2 years ago...I let him walk home and told him not to contact me any longer unless he decided to make changes in his life...I'm finished with this...I'm so disgusted with myself and with him but our baby will not live in an environment like this...I can't do it anymore...
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:58 AM
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hi mybump-

can you change your phone number today? that way, he can't call.

if you are serious about going no contact, the next time he shows up drunk at 2am pounding the door, you can call the police.

please take care of yourself. you are pregnant! you need peace and rest, not a drunk at your door. he certainly is not taking care of you in your first trimester, is he? take note!

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Old 02-03-2011, 04:15 AM
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naive is right... change your phone number and if you bothers you again call the police. He has the potential to be violent to people as well as animals.
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:56 AM
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Abuse of your pet is a serious sign that this man is physically violent. PLEASE contact a DV counselor. What he did is a criminal act, and you can report it to the police and get a restraining order if you choose to do so. Sounds to me like it would be a good idea.
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by mybump View Post
I'm so disgusted with myself and with him but our baby will not live in an environment like this...I can't do it anymore...
Use those feelings to empower yourself to make a change, Bump. We can't change anything but the moment we're staring in the face...the moments ahead of us. You can't change the decisions you've made in the past, you can only show yourself the person you can be moving forward.

Welcome to SR and much peace to you! Keep moving forward...there is nothing like the "mama bear" in us to encourage good decision making. LOL
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Old 02-03-2011, 07:19 AM
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mybump,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Take care of yourself and your kids - don't worry about the babyish man - you don't need that.
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Old 02-03-2011, 09:04 AM
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Mybump...I'm so sorry about your dog. Can you take him to the vet to see if he's ok?

As for your X, DO NOT let him into your home again. If he pounds on the door at 2 a.m. again, call the police. Change your phone number, change your email and cut all contact. He is clearly dangerous and this is no reflection on you.

When you met the man two years ago, there wasn't a neon sign above his head that said "Psycho When Blotto". You couldn't have known.

Keep yourself safe.
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