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around the mountain again...

Old 02-01-2011, 07:10 AM
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around the mountain again...

new here. have been reading posts for months now (along with going to live alanon). You all have no idea how helpful you have been. My AH of 15 years and I are "seperated" since last may. You all have no idea how much courage and support you gave me to make that decision to have him leave our home. Hardest thing I ever, ever did.
We have 5 beautiful kids (6yrs - 14yrs). They all hurt terribly when he left. He is a very controlled drinker. He has gone through 3 rounds of AA, each lasting a month and giving myself and kids hope that he is getting well and on the road to recovery and coming home.
Unfortunately, I am getting to the end of my rope. He visits daily (not drinking) and spends time with kids. He follows our rule that if he shows up having drank, he will be asked to leave.
I prayed very much prior to asking him to leave. I knew in the core of my being that it was the right decision and it had to happen. I want to stop this cycle of having some hope and then being dissapointed. I have peace that all will work out well weather he is drinking or not. If we did not have children, NO CONTACT would be very helpful for me. How have others who have children and have the alcoholic somewhat in their lives handle the emotions and practicalities of detachment. Any of your thoughts would be helpful. You all do a great job at not letting others play the victim. I did that for too long and want to know the best way to take care of me while also being the loving person that I am.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:26 AM
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hi and welcome. that cycle of hope and disappointment is really hard, isn't it? It is hard to detach when you have kids, but I hope that while he is there with them, you can go to your room and read or run some errands. It helps to only communicate about the children, and only when necessary.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:39 AM
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thanks...funny you say that. When we first seperated, my mom recommended that too. That the visits be more about him seeing the kids and not about us trying to work things out.

Prob should have listened to her. But I guess we learn by our mistakes and then do better when we know better.

I am trying to be no contact even though he is physically there. (he is shoveling off the roof at the house now!) Doing his best to be helpful and work his way back home. I do not want to be a parent that talks through her kids to dad. I do not think that is good for them. I guess my struggle is learning to be truly seperated from him yet being polite when it comes to kids or things we need to talk about.

Its hard to not talk because when I do that it feels tense like I am ignoring or angry. But I am not. I am at peace but choose not to have a relationship with him. hope that makes sense.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:53 AM
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I admire your ability fof to have your AH visit with your children everyday. For me I will not deprive my 3 children (9yrs - 17yrs) of spending time with their dad, however, I will not facilitate that for him. There are times when I get involved but only in the best interests of my children if they are having a hard time with it.

This varies based on which child it is. For example, my youngest needs to have the security of knowing who he is spending time with, my middle child needs help sorting out how to make choices about how she spends her time (friends, responsibilities, dad, ...), and I feel it is my responsibility not to let my oldest daughter get sucked into being responsible for things AH needs to be responsible for. If I see my oldest having to be the parent with AH, I step in and guide her to what is best for her.

Even so, it is exhausting at times and I only have 3, I cannot imagine having any more energy with 2 more but if I don't do it this way, I will not have ANY energy at all or peace or serenity for myself.

AH and I are working on our relationship but during this time, I feel it best that our children not be exposed to some of the emotional and verbal abuse that can be present and I don't want them to view what is an attempt at detachment, not really talking to each other and expressing no emotion, as what a relationship should be.

AH is living apart from us and has a small but comfortable rental. When he was first out of our home, I asked my children how they wanted to spend time with their Dad. They were of course very upset about the whole situation but given the choice, I think they much preferred it over the constant fighting that was happening with us together.

My oldest at first was going to live with her Dad every other week and my younger two thought every weekend would work for them. Well, my oldest decided she would do the same as her siblings. When it came down to it, AH really only could handle 1 at a time for an extended period and he focused on my youngest, our son and mainly on his sports activities and had him over every weekend and my oldest two (daughters) visited with dad once in a while as they really are very busy with their own social lives.

My son now visits every other weekend now as I find with me working during the week, I would like some peaceful time to spend with my son and that is on the weekend. He is fine with that.

I know my relationship with my children was affected by the disease of A in our family and I am working on myself and my relationship with my children. My AH through counseling is working very hard to stop his drinking (as far as he tells me) and I am not so sure about true recovery. It seems his couseling is helping him with his relationships with his family or origin and his children and I am glad for him taking this responsibility as in the past I may have (codependently) stepped into that role for him.

I want a relationship with my AH but not at the expense of me and I want my children to learn that for themselves so with the best I know how I am loving, guiding and parenting my children and letting my AH give them whatever love he can at this time.

This is just my experience, I hope you find something helpful from it.

Sorry so long, I tend to reflect a lot, but this is me and as long as I work on myself and not try to get in someone else's business, it's ok.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:05 AM
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If I imagine myself in your shoes--
I would feel too stressed with daily contact. I would want some breathing room. I would want a day or two or three a week where I knew that there was going to be no contact, and that I could completely relax and breathe easily on those days.
I think daily contact is hurting your healing.
Perhaps a discussion that daily is too often, and that you would like a couple days a week where it is just you and the kids. He probably won't like this, as he is trying to get back in the house with you.
But you need some breathing room, and you're not getting any.
Take care of you this way.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:09 AM
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I want a relationship with my AH but not at the expense of me and I want my children to learn that for themselves so with the best I know how I am loving, guiding and parenting my children and letting my AH give them whatever love he can at this time.

This is just my experience, I hope you find something helpful from it.

Sorry so long, I tend to reflect a lot, but this is me and as long as I work on myself and not try to get in someone else's business, it's ok.
Thank you dancingnow. I appreciate your answers and how you get from A to B.
I reflect a lot too.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:16 AM
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Welcome to SR!

You've already got A TON of great advice here,
just came by to welcome you to the f2f boards.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:25 AM
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Hello Faith!

I can only just imagine how hard it was for you to ask your AH to leave, but what a wonderful and courageous thing you did for yourself and for your children!

You will find so much wonderful experience, strength and hope (ES&H) here! You are not alone!!

Hugs and prayers,
HG
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:01 AM
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I have to agree that daily contact may be too much for you. You don't get any space. Your AH is trying to work his way home. Could the children visit him where he is staying?

You really don't have the opportunity to detach with him and the expectation of him around your house everyday.

Plus, have you considered that your kids may be getting the wrong message about what's to come? Remember that in alcoholism "good deeds" like shoveling snow don't equate to recovery, even thoughhe wants it to.

I say this with great sympathy for your situation.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:22 AM
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thank you all so much for help. Dancing your situation gives me lots to think about.
Totally agree, shoveling, cooking and randomly "helping out" does not equal recovery or sobriety. I have been very clear with him that in order to be at home with family he needs to be sober! For me this means extended time not drinking and being in some sort of recovery/plan to maintain that sobriety. He has shown repeatedly that 30 days is not enough. It is sort of his breaking point.

Without going to courts, I am not sure he would respect my request to stop coming around. In past, he has thrown out that he has a right to be with kids and it is his house! I have called police once during seperation when he insisted he was coming home and staying over. He left before they arrived. This happened only once.

For now, I like the idea of leaving when he is around. Either going to gym or book store. Or at minimum, another room. Maybe that will make things clearer that he is there for a visit with kids. Not to have any relationship with me. That is not possible until he is fully sober.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by fulloffaith View Post
Without going to courts, I am not sure he would respect my request to stop coming around. In past, he has thrown out that he has a right to be with kids and it is his house! I have called police once during seperation when he insisted he was coming home and staying over. He left before they arrived. This happened only once.

For now, I like the idea of leaving when he is around. Either going to gym or book store. Or at minimum, another room. Maybe that will make things clearer that he is there for a visit with kids. Not to have any relationship with me. That is not possible until he is fully sober.
So manipulation is the name of the game? Throwing out that he has a right to be with the kids, regardless of your need for some peace, calm, and serenity?
Do you see how easily you are manipulated?
Does he care about his so called "rights" or does he care about YOU?
Seems to me he's making his "rights" more important than you.
That certainly is no giving, healthy, marriage.
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by fulloffaith View Post
shoveling, cooking and randomly "helping out" does not equal recovery or sobriety. I have been very clear with him that in order to be at home with family he needs to be sober! For me this means extended time not drinking and being in some sort of recovery/plan to maintain that sobriety. He has shown repeatedly that 30 days is not enough. It is sort of his breaking point.

Without going to courts, I am not sure he would respect my request to stop coming around. In past, he has thrown out that he has a right to be with kids and it is his house! I have called police once during seperation when he insisted he was coming home and staying over. He left before they arrived. This happened only once.
Thank you fof - it's so eerie sometimes it's like others are married to my AH. What you said above is same that is going on here.

Thank you for helping me clarify my thoughts enough to define what sobriety needs to look like for me.

I know I cannot live with him the way it is now but maybe if he makes the choice to get beyond those 30 days and really and truly seek sobriety not just so he can live in "his" house than maybe we will move forward.

Thanks for sharing. Take care.
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Old 02-01-2011, 01:24 PM
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Boundaries. Establish them and enforce them. He will buck and kick and act out, but stay steadfast.

I agree with brokenheartfool. Maybe daily contact is just a little too much (?). It gives you no re-group and downtime (?). Is ther any way you can owrk this so you can have breathing space?

Tx
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