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Shellcrusher's Story - 1st Time sharing = Long

Old 01-31-2011, 02:12 PM
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Shellcrusher's Story - 1st Time sharing = Long

Iíve been spending a good amount of time responding to others posts. I havenít had the courage to write a single thread about my own situation until now. Iíve been a little leery of it because sometimes I wonder if my AW hasnít also found this site and isnít trying to find me posting and talking about us. Iíve never mentioned this site to her but I still think this wayÖCrazy isnít it? That fear of something thatís probably nothing is controlling me. I went over to the section for recovering alcoholics. I read as many threads as I could to see if anything someone said sounded like my AW posting. Who was I kidding? First of all, she wouldnít take it upon herself to seek out a supportive community to help with any recovery. Sheís above recovering. Secondly, it canít be done. There are tons of posts and while the stories and details are different, theyíre still similar. Sheís not that motivated to do that much research. So along with my little test, I figure by posting my story, I am in fact starting to deal head on with those fears, tossing them aside. I Ďm not going to let them control me so in my own recovery, I can begin to unload and learn with an even more open mind. I had a terrible weekend. I'm very low in the dumps right now so with that said, hereís my story.

Time is somewhat of a blur for me. I dated my current AW for about a year. She was a pretty big-time partier and she was fun. She was attractive and at the time it seemed like her free spirit balanced me out pretty well. We were in our late twenties and had our own homes and careers going. There were certainly times when she would get really drunk. Sheís a sloppy drunk. She slurs, she stumbles, she drops stuff, she spills, etc. What she really does is say mean things. Itís one thing to call someone a name or do something dumb but she manages to say things that cut me to the bone. Oh, did I mention she loved doing coke? Yeah. So there were nights when she would start to break down from drinking. It could be the middle of the week. Iíd be at home and sheíd be at her house. Iíd get the call and would know immediately that she was drinking. Things got so rough that she actually broke up with me. She said plenty of things about how I made her this way and that way. I didnít even really know her more than a year. She broke up. It sucked but I moved on and was happy.

Happiness lasted only as long as the next time she sent me a random email. It could have been 3 or 4 months later. I donít remember. In hindsight, it was a hell of a good quack! I believed every word. I saw that she was better and she dealt with her issues and was on the right track. I figured she was growing up similar to how I was growing. We were in our twenties. Now weíre in our thirties and certainly she must have given up that hogwash like I did. She was all healthy, yada yada. We agree to meet up for dinner. That was the single biggest mistake of my life. The date went well. We tried a few more. A few fights happened and before I knew it, we were married.

Itís been over 2 and half years since we got married. She was in a rush to have a kid. I didnít want a kid so early. We now have a 20 month old son. During this time, we fought. Sheíd get drunk. She was hammered and hung over and coked up at our wedding. She went sober during her pregnancy but there were a few times she was breastfeeding after drinking too much wine. Wine was her thing. She rationalized that it was okay to drink wine. It didnít help that I enjoyed wine too. Our fights would get very nasty.
It was probably after an especially nasty fight that I came to searching the net and found this place. I think I joined back in June 2010. I tried writing some positive threads, thinking that would solve everything. I went quiet for a while and struggled with her on my own but Iím back. Since then, Iíve found empty vodka bottles. Iíve suspected her to be drunk and she denied it every time. I have viedo recording where she admits to drinking home alone with my son while Iím at work. Sheís admitted to being an A but now says she isnít. She wields my son like a battle axe when itís time to hurt me and heís also her shield when that suits her better. I donít like how she treats me but I hate how she uses our little boy. Heís so wonderful and he doesnít deserve to be around this disease. Thanks to some posters here, I now know that CPS is anonymous and I wonít hesitate to contact them if I suspect this stuff is happening again.

As of last night, I think sheís back to coke and drinking heavier than ever. Iím not a facebooker but some friends have told me that she just added her ex husband as a friend. She was married beforeÖBlamed that failure on her addiction to pills. Somehow sheís managed to blame me for her previously failed marriage. Yes. Sheís a humdinger. Sheís a loud quacker and according to her Iím the blame and source of her problem. Iím Hitler and all I do is lay down laws, etc., etc. I know the 3 Cís and Iím integrating that concept in my life. Iíve come a long way in terms of being a father and I know my son and I will be fine wherever we are. Iíve been seeing a therapist for several months and obviously, Iím here posting. Iím also realizing that Iím codependent and yes, Iím reading Melodies book and it is helping. Iím working on detachment, practicing single parenthood and working on myself more than ever before in my life. Work is good and I basically hate the weekends because Iím around her. She seems to go sober for a day, a week but never more than a month. Other than when she was pregnant and even then who knowsÖI remain very disappointed in myself for getting involved with this person. The writing was on the wall then as it is now.

So anyway, there it is in a nutshell. I can give more detail for those who ask or are interested but I really just wanted to get this post out on the table so I can make it official that Iím doing my thing. I know I wrote a good deal about us/her. Iím a father/husband to an AW and thatís my story. I was also a son to an AM as well as a physically abusive father. Iíve come to terms with both of them and get along with exceptionally well. We talk openly about my upbringing and how that may be having an impact on my life now. Itís a good scene and while it sucked growing up and I have wounds from it, I also feel very blessed to know how dark it can get and I can still walk out the other side. I feel the same way about my current life. Very dark but me and my son will survive.

Thanks to all those who work on their recovery with me. Thanks to all those other lost people whoíve found this site and post up their stories. Youíre giving me strength. Thanks to all those men and women out there fighting the same fight. To those men who are fathers and making the hard decisions, I want to shake your hands. You too, give me a great chunk of inspiration and power. I also want to thank the recovering Alcoholics who have walked down both paths and are here to help. You guys are heavy hitters and I appreciate what youíre doing for yourself and everyone else here. You give me some of the best hope.

Thanks for listening. Iím not a happy person but Iím working on it.
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:38 PM
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(((((Shellcrusher))))) you have come a long way in your recovery.

I am glad you are here to share you ES&H as we never know when something we type will help another.

Please keep posting and let us know how you and that beautiful son are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:40 PM
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I'm so glad to see more men on this forum.

Thank you for trusting me with your story.
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:45 PM
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*big hugs* thank you for sharing Shellcrusher.

Oh, for the gift of foresight huh. Had I known then what I know now and all that. But, when.. not if, WHEN.. you come through this.. this experience will make you wiser, stronger etc.

I had a bout of counselling after leaving my ex. My counsellor, great and scarily wise woman, said something to me which had me blubbing like a baby.. she looked at me and said, 'You have been through an awful lot. Most of which would have sent a lesser person into a tail spin. Yet here you are, surviving, living, trying to understand, trying to work through it, trying to be the best person you can be. YOU are remarkable'.

I think that applies to you too.

Tx
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:46 PM
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(((Shellcrusher)))

I'm so sorry you're going through what you're going through right now.
I'm also very glad that you're getting the help that you need.
You have contributed a lot to the threads you have posted in, and I feel honored that you're sharing your story here.

Good luck to you, and your son. He is very lucky to have a father like you.

(((Shellcrusher)))
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:49 PM
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Shellcrusher, I have notiecd you being a very supportive member here. I'm glad you are comfortable enough to share.

This isn't legal advice, just a general education on how CPS works:

if they think YOU are failing to protect your little one from your wife (since you know she drinks excessively while she is home alone with him), they will consider you a perpetrator of neglect on your child as well. Do you understand what I am saying?

That sounds so severe, but I think it's important that you know how that system works so you can make appropriate choices.

I enjoy your postings.
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:54 PM
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Shellcrusher,

Thank you for sharing your story! Writing it down here is like saying it out loud. This forum is a blessing, and every time I've taken a hard step in my journey, writing it down and "saying it loud" here on this board has been very cathartic and affirming. I hope that it will be the same for you.

It sounds like you have recognized the problem, and I applaud you for taking steps to take care of yourself and your son. Denial is big for both alcoholic and co-dependents, so you should be proud of yourself for refusing to just live in denial. You and your son deserve better than the chaos of living with an alcoholic, and you are on the right path to that healthier living.
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:54 PM
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Hi Shell,

I'm glad you're here. It sounds like you've really got your head on straight. I too have received so much support from the wonderful folks here.

Have you looked into any local Al-Anon meetings? It really helped me.

Please keep posting. You are not alone!
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:01 PM
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Shellcrusher, thank you for sharing your story. When I read your post, I could hardly believe my eyes as my AH called me Hitler about 3 weeks ago too. I couldn't believe it came out of his mouth. Keep posting and loving that sweet baby!
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:04 PM
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'You have been through an awful lot. Most of which would have sent a lesser person into a tail spin. Yet here you are, surviving, living, trying to understand, trying to work through it, trying to be the best person you can be. YOU are remarkable'.
oh yes, tallulah, and go me sniffin again. thank you i needed that.

shellcrusher,
thank you for trusting us to tell your story. I, too, grew up the way you did, (nearly) and it was dont trust, dont talk, dont tell.
You are breaking out of that, and this terrible legacy can end here.
Thank the HP for fathers like you.

Beth
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:06 PM
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Lol sorry wicked. That is etched on my brain.. and I admit to having a wobbly bottom lip every time I remember it.

*hands out tissues*
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:07 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story with me ShellCrusher. I see a bit of me and my past in your story about your early relationship with the person you are married to. Reading your post took me back to all the relationships I was in in my twenties, the partying, the bars, the so-called "fun." Then the drama, the anger, the lashing out......... It is all rather a blur to me now............ but Oh....... you make me see how I have ignored myself for so long and this is bringing burning tears to my eyes and a tightness in my chest.............

....Someone else recently posted their story here on SR that did something to me this past weekend. While reading it, and reading about their alcoholic spouse and their story, I realized, "My God, that is ME. That is who I used to be!" I acted out ridiculously during my twenties and even into my thirties: Drunk, stupid, manic, self-righteous, abusive, yelling, screaming, raging, and yes, cutting others to the bone as you describe. Yes, ShellCrusher THAT is me too. And I did all of it with the rationalization and excuse toward EVERY man I have been with that, "YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!!!" You are taking me to a place in my Recovery that I have never been before....................
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:14 PM
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Yes, ShellCrusher THAT is me too.
Oh my, was I ever a mean [email protected]!
My reasoning was if they couldnt handle it, they could move the f*** on.
Drunk, angry, vicious. Yep, the good ole days.
How they sucked.
Thank god that is over.


Hey Learn2Live.
You keep having these insights, I will have to stop reading your posts!

I learn something about living from you.
Sorry about the hijack shellcrusher.

we can stop with the protective covering now l2l, maybe a little at a time.

Beth
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:15 PM
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Thanks Beth. I think I am waking up.
Sorry if my post was hijacky
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Old 01-31-2011, 04:01 PM
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Big, hugs, Shellcrusher. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 01-31-2011, 04:14 PM
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Thanks to all those who work on their recovery with me. Thanks to all those other lost people who’ve found this site and post up their stories. You’re giving me strength. Thanks to all those men and women out there fighting the same fight. To those men who are fathers and making the hard decisions, I want to shake your hands. You too, give me a great chunk of inspiration and power. I also want to thank the recovering Alcoholics who have walked down both paths and are here to help. You guys are heavy hitters and I appreciate what you’re doing for yourself and everyone else here. You give me some of the best hope.
this is awesome shellcrusher. thank you so very much for saying this.
dang that wobbly lip again, tallulah, tissue please.

sigh........
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Old 01-31-2011, 04:38 PM
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Much appreciated the background, it's always reassuring to know that you're not alone in all of this. Looking back on my own story, I also had signs of what was waiting for me before we were married...I just didn't pay attention to them. Live and learn. I still get disappointed in myself every once in a while for letting myself do that, but am trying to let go of the guilt. It shouldn't be our guilt to carry, right?
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Old 01-31-2011, 06:05 PM
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Shell...

I know it was difficult for you to share your experience and I congratulate you for having the courage to do so. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life. Remember that you & your son are the priorities, and your wife is the only one who can start her path to recovery.

Just take things one day at a time...
Thanks for sharing your story!
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:46 PM
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Shellcrusher, thank you for sharing. Sending you & your precious son lots of loving support!
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:05 PM
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Shellcrusher...

...I'm older than you but our stories are very similar. Without getting into mine, I'd like to share a couple of things.

The first is that when all this is said and done you will still have your son as I have my daughter. It doesn't make the pain go away for me, but I'm thankful for her every single day.

The second is that there is no time of the day or night your son is safe with her. I'm not doing the tough-love thing here, but I really want you to understand that. My wife, while drunk, set fire to our house (a real fire, as in $80,000 of damage to the house kind of fire). Had our daughter been upstairs she would not have survived. Thank God she was outside playing. Wife also had three separate car accidents with our daughter in the car; each could have been the end for them both. I did nothing after the car accidents because I was pathetic, but after the fire I did divorce her and move out.

The third is that I could have solved my problem with my wife in my early 30s but I didn't have the stones to simply divorce her and move on. What a huge, huge mistake. I'm on the wrong side of my 40s now, with 50 rapidly approaching, and will never get the years back that I could have had with a healthy woman (or on my own). I can't put in words how much I regret and resent this. What a waste.

Full disclosure, after two years apart my wife and I reconciled because I foolishly trusted she had found sobriety. We did it all over again, including relapse and separation, but this time with healthy boundaries in place for me and my daughter to be somewhat safe. Now, after yet another recovery center, but this time with her fully engaged in AA, she is going on 7 months of sobriety. It may stick, it may not, but the last 7 months have been great. However, I spend at least a little part of each day worrying she will relapse again.

This is not the life I wanted for myself.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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