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Frustrating Morning...just to vent

Old 01-31-2011, 12:48 PM
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Frustrating Morning...just to vent

Quick background- husband of 4 yrs. is alcoholic, very much in denial, we are becoming very distant, especially as I detach, not lovingly because I am still so angry! (working on that).

This morning he says we need to talk. He says we're living like roomates (yes) and he feels like I'm not his teammate, not his partner. He said he needs my support. I said I do support him, but I have been focusing on my happiness lately because I cannot MAKE him be happy.

He said we should just be blunt, so I said what i was not intending to say, but so be it.

Here's blunt for ya! I said I'm worried about the alcohol consumption, I'm worried about his health, his liver, I'm worried about him not being around to see his son grow up. I said I know I can't make his choices for him, but I have had to step back from the worry because it was making me ill.

Oh, he did not like that! Got right in his car and took off. Came back an hour later, all happy again, as if nothing had happened. That's it. No mention of our talk whatsoever. The only thing he said was "We'll be fine, baby, we just gotta work on our communication."

Wow!
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:56 PM
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Long story short, he went out and had a few drinks . . .
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Old 01-31-2011, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by sheila84 View Post
Oh, he did not like that! Got right in his car and took off. Came back an hour later, all happy again, as if nothing had happened. That's it. No mention of our talk whatsoever. The only thing he said was "We'll be fine, baby, we just gotta work on our communication."
Wow. Yep, that sounds so familiar. XAH did a lot of storming out of the house for a few more beers/drinks and leaving all the relationship work for me. According to him "our communication" was fine as long as I was letting him drink and focusing more on him than I did on myself or our DS. The minute, though, that I did something for myself or DS, or told him I wasn't going to do XYZ, I wasn't trying to communicate with him any more.

IMO, good for you to state how you were feeling! Don't worry that you might have been blunt. Blunt is way different than rude BTW (I don't think you were rude either). Blunt can be good. Alcoholics don't understand subtle, at least XAH didn't.
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Old 01-31-2011, 01:08 PM
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I will say that your post is very similar to conversations I have had also. The thing is addicts in my experience cannot seem to deal with communication, addicts want to be heard but do not want to hear you. They cope by going out and using whatever their DOC is.

It really good that you are working on you and taking the focus off of him. Have you looked into meetings or seeing a counselor. I see a counselor every week and it has helped a lot, mostly with my anger. I also read a lot things that relate to me and understanding myself better. I also realized that I had to be healthy and happy for my children to be. So me and my children come first in my thoughts daily.

Sending thoughts and prayers out to you and yours
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Old 01-31-2011, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by lc1972 View Post
I will say that your post is very similar to conversations I have had also. The thing is addicts in my experience cannot seem to deal with communication, addicts want to be heard but do not want to hear you. They cope by going out and using whatever their DOC is.
Agreed. Any attempt to talk with XABF about anything other than how I was going to help him resulted in blameshifting, verbal abuse, and more alcohol down his throat.

You did nothing wrong by being honest and blunt. The more "polite" or "friendly" you are to an alcoholic, the more they view it as an invitation to shift the blame back to you. He may not like what you have to say, but I'm sure you felt better for saying it!

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Old 01-31-2011, 01:54 PM
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Alcoholics don't understand subtle, at least XAH didn't.

Yes, subtlties are wasted on an alcoholic. I speak from experience.
From both sides. And, since I have been sober, I am a regular Noel Coward.
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:13 PM
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As a man with an RAW, I'll translate that for you...

Originally Posted by sheila84 View Post
"We'll be fine, baby, we just gotta work on our communication."
Read: "As long as you don't confront me about my drinking, and as long as you continue to help me do so by pretending it isn't happening, not setting boundaries, not talking about it with others, and not divorcing me, everything will be fine."

Just trying to help.

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