The 'morbid thoughts' are overtaking me...
 

(For anyone who is unfamiliar with my story it may not be feasible to read my 'so i went to see him in hospital' thread as it is very long, so a quick back story: my 37 year old AH and I have been seperated for 9 months. we have a 3 year old daughter. he is seriously ill in hospital right now having been diagnosed with cirrhosis 11 days ago)

So AH is still desperately ill - possible kidney infection now (hepatomarenal syndrome), if this is what he has, things definitley have a dire outlook and survival in time for a transplant looks grim. Hopefully the kidney problem its just a side effect of the medication for the ascites. And his liver function has improved slightly but not significantly.

I just dont think i can take anymore - I feel like in my heart that he will die and I feel TERRIBLE for thinking that as I feel that if he is going to, I hope it is soon and his pain and suffering will just be over and we dont have to run around like headless chickens anymore grabbing onto every shred of hope! I feel like we are all living in limbo right now :(

Every bad thing I hear I just become inconsolabale and keep thinking of the worst possible thing, like his death and final moments.

You cant get anything positive from AH - when a doctor talk to him its like he has a negative filter - he only absorbs and listens to bad stuff!
This morning his mother said he called her saying that he was very upset so she went up there to talk to the doctor herself and find out what was going on. This sent me in to a 3 hour sobbing fest during which I had a mini panic attack, all in front of my poor baby girl. Thank god my friend was here.

I am trying to be strong and positive but feel the strength just draining out of me like I have a leak somewhere that I cant find!!

Oh MG!! Of course you are sad!!! This is a very sad thing. We don't want to see anyone we love suffer even if we are very clear as to why they are suffering. Much love and peace to you right now. Try to find a quiet place to take some deep breaths and relax...be kind to yourself.

(((hugs))) MissGuided . Please look inside yourself and determine what YOU need. I know it sounds harsh but you may want to consider No Contact. Whatever is going to happen to him is going to happen whether you keep hearing the news about it every day or not. What do you feel is right and healthy and good for your 3-year old? Well, those SAME boundaries apply to you too. Please consider that.

:grouphug: Hang in there, MissGuided. Trying to deal with a loved one's terminal illness is so hard on every one involved. IMO it's normal to wish that the pain and suffering would just end, both for our sick family member and for ourselves. Please don't beat yourself up for those thoughts.

Can your friend watch your 3yo for a bit, so you can have a half hour or an hour for yourself uninterrupted? To take a bath, a long shower, nap or just sit quietly? L2L makes a really good point here:

Please be gentle with yourself during this time and remember to take care of yourself too.

MG, when my ex was in the hospital and things were looking grim, I made it a point to get to some Al-Anon meetings. It was good just to be around others I didn't have to be "strong" for. It really helped keep me from going off the deep end.

I did have a meltdown at work one day--I was still working half-days until visiting hours started. I'd asked one of my colleagues to cover something in court for me (I'd helped both of them out in the past when one person was on his honeymoon and the other had something else going on). They both said no, and I screamed at them and threw files on the floor. That is SO not me. But you're right, it leaks out one way or another.

Hugs, hope you get some hopeful news soon.

Thanks all! It just feels bloody good to vent anyway!

I dont think I could do the no contact thing - I think I would feel desperately guilty which would only add to my own pain. As we have a child together i think it only adds to the maternal feelings I have toward him.
Oh jeez I cant even explain it all anymore :(

I was just learning to 'detach with love' from him and deal with my own feelings about his alcoholism and my leaving him. And then this happened!

Thank you all for listening though - its such a great help to know that people understand and some have been through this same situation.
HUGS TO YOU ALL!!!!

First of all, I am very sorry for the situation you are in and the dilemma you face. Some of your feelings are very normal. The only way I can respond is to tell you what I would do (as I am separated) - I would make a decision on what part/role I wanted to play in this scene and stick to it as long as I can.

It is a terrible situation, but it is a dilemma not a problem to be solved. Problems have solutions, dilemma have alternate outcomes. Choose the outcome you can live with and take the steps to get you there.

Well I was just talking to his mother and I was saying that I got the feeling that when AH is discharged he wants to come and stay with me (just his hints about trouble with stairs - I have no stairs etc)
But I made it clear to her that that was not going to happen, and I hope that nobody was going to expect that as I couldnt deal with it emotionally, mentally and physically. and that we were still seperated after all and that I didnt want to expose DD to seeing her daddy like that day in, day out. And that god forbid something happened to him she wasnt going to remember him like that
She responded that DD had already seen him being ill the last few months when he was staying at her house and when DD was over there while she was babysitting for DD. I got defensive then.
I apologized for snapping and that I was going thru alot of emotions right now as I am sure she was. She started to cry then and say that she only meant that DD was probably already aware of her daddys illness. I felt HORRIBLE!! I said it was probably my own guilt talking as i didnt want him to stay here with me.
But we left on a good note, I think we both just realize the stress takes its toll some days. (She could probably benefit from this site, bless her)
Anyway it is tough because we learned today he is in renal failure now too. It doesnt look good without a transplant SOON! And that must be devestating for her to accept that her only sons death could be imminent.
oh what a mess.
anyway as usual, thanks for listening to the vent my wonderful SR friends!!
:ring

:grouphug:

(((((((Miss)))))))) I just wanted to add my support. Take very gentle care of yourself and your precious daughter.

MG - Thoughts and prayers are with you. What a difficult time you are going through and I hope you can find some peace to help you. HUGS to you.

Hugs, MG, just hugs.

(((hugs))) for MissGuided, (((hugs))) for DD, and (((hugs))) for Mr. MissGuided's Mom

My axw was hospitalized for 10 days with ascites related to her drinking, a few months back. Yeah, after all she's put everyone through, I won't lie, I had thoughts of "get on with it already". I don't feel a speck of guilt either, I'm happy to report.

I'm really relieved and impressed to read that you didn't cave to the pressure from your MIL to take him into your home after his release. Good job, and you are exactly right, your and your daughters needs come before his. He's done this to himself. I'm sure if he was suffering from some other "disease", and you weren't already separated, things would be some different.

You are being a good Mom, keep up the good work. Please take care of yourself, so you can better serve the needs of your little girl.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Thanks Coyote! I love the way you just know what is good for you and yours and you make no apologies for it thank you very much!! I wish I could be more like you. I am working on it. :)

So nobody pressured me to take him in but it just felt like the big elephant in the room, know what i mean? Like everyone is waiting for me to offer... and trust me this is not my imagination.
I was the only one instrumental in making him go to rehab last year (a mistake i now know), I was the only one that got him to the hospital in November while his family just walked past him every day watching him drink and get yellower and yellower! He could have died on that couch at his mothers and they would only have noticed when he started to smell. I kid you not!
Im not being a martyr here at all, but they need to step up to the plate! to be fair they seem to be much more in participation now. But somewhere deep down I feel that its too late and I feel resentment towards them for just sitting back and letting me deal with it all up until now. So now I am like YOUR TURN!!!!!!!!! AAAARGGHH!

:grouphug:

So sorry for all you are going through and I will be praying for you, your DD and extended family.

:grouphug:

Hugs and prayers for you and your family. I can't imagine how difficult this time must be for you.

:grouphug:

(((((MissGuided)))))

Wishing you strength to deal with this sad and difficult time. Prayers for you, your sweet little girl, and her daddy too. This must be very hard for everyone, but I am sure that you have tried more than everyone else put together to get him to take care of his self.

. Take care of you and baby girl. You are two innocent victims here. My heart goes out to you.

hugs
chicory

:hug:

Please take good care of yourself and your children during this trying time.....my prayers are with you all and your AH.......

This is all so heartbreaking. My thoughts go out to you. Coping with this is going to take a lot out of you so this is when boundaries with family is crucial because you don't want their confusion and sadness heaped on to yours.

Take care of yourself FIRST. As hard as this is, your little one needs you to be as focused as you can on the two of you.

:(