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-   -   Stupid! I did it again. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/219047-stupid-i-did-again.html)

DonnaJL 01-31-2011 09:02 AM

Stupid! I did it again.
 
When will I learn? Sometimes I forget that I'm in a relationship with someone who does not 'think' like other people.
I made the grave error of showing my ADP some nice photos my nephew took on my Facebook page and spent the rest of the weekend defending myself. He saw my albums too, which include family pix, photos of my dog and some of myself to use on the profile and decided that I'm 'advertising' for a new guy. No amount of explaining would stop him. Showed him my status was 'in a relationship', scrolled through all my 'friends' to explain who they all were, but to no avail. I'm trolling for guys. Right. Got p1ssed off that I had a photo of the 2 of us there, hadn't asked permission to put up his photo. Told me to take it down, then changed that several times; leave it up, take it down, leave it up. All weekend he was on this subject.
I should know by now never to get complacent when he's in a 'good mood' and acting rational because it always comes back to bite me.
Every time.:headbange

Learn2Live 01-31-2011 09:04 AM

Yech! Does not sound like how I want to spend a weekend!

tjp613 01-31-2011 09:27 AM

That's a classic red flag for abuse, y'know.

Cyranoak 01-31-2011 09:29 AM

Why?

nodaybut2day 01-31-2011 09:30 AM

You *could* also choose not to interact with this person.

TakingCharge999 01-31-2011 09:41 AM

You are not stupid ... today I did again something I shouldn't have done... sometimes it takes a "last string" to be DONE. Hope this is your last string !! and you have choices as Noday states... just like I do.. we all have choices, sometimes they are difficult but they are still choices...

TakingCharge999 01-31-2011 09:43 AM

And yes real change is slow and takes A LOT of effort.. no one changes magically.. this was my lesson today!! people can act a certain way for a length of time but in the end they always are who they are... who they have always been (when there's no AA program, psychotherapy, commitment to healing etc)

DonnaJL 01-31-2011 09:45 AM

You would be surprised at the amount of time I spend alone in the bedroom, reading or watching TV and he is downstairs with a bottle his favorite Russian beverage. I try hard not to interact with him, but he will come upstairs and harrass me anyway. I miss having conversations with the sober part of him and he can be acting ok one minute and then cursing me out the next. I'm looking for an apartment I can afford on my set income but my area is pricey and it's next to impossible to find anything. It kills me that I would have to actually move out after 20 years because of his behavior and he says he doesn't want me to go, but is unwilling or unable to change so something has to give. I am 64 y/o and don't fancy the idea of getting an apartment that I can barely afford and be at the whim of a landlord who could raise the rent and I would be in the same situation again, looking for another hole- in- the -wall in which to live. It's his house, so I'm the one who must leave.

tallulah 01-31-2011 09:49 AM

Life keeps throwing us the same lesson, again and again and agaaaain until we learn it.. *raises fist to the sky*.. curse yooou!

I'm with tjp. It's a big old red flag. I have a story very, very similar.. except my ex went so far as to make a profile, impersonate me and talk to a guy he was convinced I was going to or trying to hook up with, to catch him out. He didn't get the scoop he wanted.. not that that stopped him continuing to speculate.

His cracker factory is in full effect and churning out the nutty bars.. there is nothing you can say or do that is going to make a blind bit of difference.. unfortunately.

Tx

Linkmeister 01-31-2011 09:57 AM


Originally Posted by DonnaJL (Post 2849692)
When will I learn? Sometimes I forget that I'm in a relationship with someone who does not 'think' like other people.
I made the grave error of showing my ADP some nice photos my nephew took on my Facebook page and spent the rest of the weekend defending myself. He saw my albums too, which include family pix, photos of my dog and some of myself to use on the profile and decided that I'm 'advertising' for a new guy. No amount of explaining would stop him. Showed him my status was 'in a relationship', scrolled through all my 'friends' to explain who they all were, but to no avail. I'm trolling for guys. Right. Got p1ssed off that I had a photo of the 2 of us there, hadn't asked permission to put up his photo. Told me to take it down, then changed that several times; leave it up, take it down, leave it up. All weekend he was on this subject.
I should know by now never to get complacent when he's in a 'good mood' and acting rational because it always comes back to bite me.
Every time.:headbange


Donna-I could have written what you have just written-my ABF has had the same reaction for a very long time. He feels Facebook - no matter why you are on there - is advertising, trolling for someone, keeping in mind the irony for me was that we met through FB.

My page is for friends (mostly ones I went to school with) and family to stay in touch. Recently, a school friend passed away very suddenly and we all connected through FB - I locked down my page to keep him away not because I wanted to avoid conflict with him but because I got fed up with it and told him that it's a part of my life that he has no part of because of his constant berating of it.

I went through the same deal with the pictures of us together, my status and the like. There were times when he would go through my friends and demand to know who they were and why I had them as friends. Told him that I do not and will not justify to him or anyone else having someone as a friend - I never did that to his page and never will.

(BTW, he deactivated his account a couple of months back because of his dislike for it - i have my thoughts on why he did it - and wanted me to do the same.)


As of now, we don't talk about FB-I am still on it and will be on it until I don't want to be and no one else will make that decision.

In the meantime, my page is locked down until I friend someone; the ABF and I do not discuss it and if he gets on my case about it, I change the subject.

There are so many security settings - you can block certain areas of your page (i.e. friends) so that he can't see those parts of your page.

Make it easy-don't discuss your page or FB with him. Period. End of story..........

vujade 01-31-2011 10:06 AM


Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 (Post 2849728)
You are not stupid ... today I did again something I shouldn't have done...

Amen to that! I made a bad decision this weekend, myself. If we learn from it and make some healthy changes then we get to call it a learning experience. And learning experiences are not stupid things. They are necessary things. So take some time, figure out what you learned and decide how you will do it differently.

Learn2Live 01-31-2011 10:09 AM


Originally Posted by DonnaJL (Post 2849733)
You would be surprised at the amount of time I spend alone in the bedroom, reading or watching TV and he is downstairs with a bottle his favorite Russian beverage. I try hard not to interact with him, but he will come upstairs and harrass me anyway. I miss having conversations with the sober part of him and he can be acting ok one minute and then cursing me out the next. I'm looking for an apartment I can afford on my set income but my area is pricey and it's next to impossible to find anything. It kills me that I would have to actually move out after 20 years because of his behavior and he says he doesn't want me to go, but is unwilling or unable to change so something has to give. I am 64 y/o and don't fancy the idea of getting an apartment that I can barely afford and be at the whim of a landlord who could raise the rent and I would be in the same situation again, looking for another hole- in- the -wall in which to live. It's his house, so I'm the one who must leave.

A roommate situation may be just the ticket! That's what I did when I needed out.

TakingCharge999 01-31-2011 11:06 AM

Thanks for your post SKW... you are right !!

Also Donna if you sign a contract then they can't raise the rent for the duration of that contract. And moving IS a hassle (I have moved 7 times!! in the lat 2 years) but I am in a place now that is peaceful for the most time, where I live alone with my 2 cats and the peace I feel there is worth it.

I had a XABF that also abused and was cruel verbally - his 'sober' side was someone I cared for, but no one has the right to take out their anger issues with me plain and simple... I used to think I deserved it but it turns out that no, I didn't deserve ANY of that, and yes it was HIS problem and not mine. I never deserved it... none of the suffering, none of the tension, none of the interrupted sleep...

Therapy has helped me a lot, hope you give it a chance ? also the book "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty has been very useful...

vujade 01-31-2011 11:43 AM


Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 (Post 2849788)
the book "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty has been very useful...

Absolutely. It may sound trite, but that book changed my life. It helped me gain the confidence to trust my heart and not get dragged into the the alcoholic Crazy Town, right onto the corner of Blame Street and Guilt. Can't say I don't still find myself in some situations where I am arguing pointlessly with a drunk but unlike times past, I actually have the ability to stop and redirect back to sanity and detachment quickly.

TakingCharge999 01-31-2011 12:38 PM

That is recovery.. progress.. not perfection.. .being able to "zoom out"!!

Yes I have not read that book completely but in the therapy group I attend it is our Bible. "The Language of Letting Go" is also a GREAT book, daily recovery tidbits to keep the focus where it needs to be...

There are many codependent traits I am now able to identify in others and in myself. I now get angry when I realize I am acting like a codie!! but well those patterns have been there for years and for generations, I am not going to change them in a single day either...! so for now just realizing I am behaving that way, and that its possible to behave in a DIFFERENT way, is a step forward :) thanks for the reminder! this changed my outlook today and now I feel better...

Donna sorry for hijacking your thread. Let us know what you decide. I was thinking living separately may not mean a separation, exactly... it can mean a Zoom out so you can clearly see what you really want in your life... often when we are "too close" we are unable to see the whole picture. At least that is what happened to me, distance away has given me much needed clarity.

seekingcalm 01-31-2011 01:00 PM

I am living alone in a tiny cottage I can barely afford, renting for the first time in my life.

Never been happier :)

DonnaJL 02-15-2011 06:51 AM

I have my name on a waiting list for senior housing. Morbid...I have to wait for someone to die to get an apartment and there are many people ahead of me.
He tossed my butt out of the bedroom again this weekend (how I dread weekends) because I had reiterated a bad dream that I had, and in telling him about it he says I referred to the other person in the dream as he (and not you or his name specifically) which means, of course, that I'm dreaming of another man. I kid you not. I know that it was him in the dream and if I used the wrong pronoun I was unaware of it, but he harrassed me about it all weekend. Later, I was having a phone conversation with a good (female) friend and he declares 'WE HAVE TO TALK! HANG UP" and I just gaped at him unbelieving, but he grabbed the phone out of my hand and rang off. Again yelling that he wants me out of his house, etc etc.
That night, he came to bed and said to get the hell out of his bed. I've been in the spare room since then. (I really miss the big TV in the bedroom.)
He is now denying that he kicked me out and wants me to come back to the bedroom, but for now I'm perfectly content in the spare room.

tallulah 02-15-2011 07:06 AM

Man is this ringing bells for me.

Waiting list or no.. my humble advice is.. get the hell out of there. You are being treated like an animal (I described very similar stuff to my counsellor post A and that is exactly how she descibed this kind of behaviour.. dehumanising was another).

Tx

Ladybug0130 02-15-2011 07:16 AM

Sounds like his abuse and control is escalating and it may only be a matter of time before physical violence occurs. Be careful.

AlcoholicLove 02-15-2011 08:53 AM

Donna-
You are not stupid-none of us are.....
I have broken NC so many times, I can't even remember the number.

My problem is I have NEVER in the past 5 years seen the man I love drunk or with a drink in his hands-I know he is an alcoholic because he tells me everything-how he was when he drank (he is 7 months into recovery) tells me about his 3 mtgs a week, etc...
So I find it hard to believe...

I have read a lot on Alcoholism in the past, and am still learning new things every day, especially from here. I don't post much but read here a few times a day.....

None of us are stupid for what we do..we are just people trying to love someone that can't love themselves...
Sigh.


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