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Stupid! I did it again.

Old 02-15-2011, 09:27 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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DonnaJ...have you considered calling the National Domestic Abuse hotline to get some support and some resources in your area? Also, you might consider calling a shelter and seeing what they can offer you.

You are being abused.

You can get out.

I would advise you to keep to yourself as much as possible, and not share any details of your plan to escape with your abuser, as this can trigger further abuse.

Please know that there are options to staying there, waiting for the senior housing people to call you.
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:44 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Just thinking of myself as the 'abused' makes my skin crawl. My ex was a mean and abusive alcoholic, although I don't think he ever considered himself as such until I was walking out the door. We had a talk when I was packing stuff, already mostly out, and it was honestly the first time he had ever opened up and let his feelings out in the 16 years we were married. He seemed sincerely sorry for the hell he put me and my daughter through but it was already too little too late.
He has since remarried and I have to wonder if he changed, if not I feel sorry for his new wife.
To consider myself as one who is being abused, again, in this relationship is difficult because it means that I've put myself in another situation and I have so much hate for myself for allowing that to happen again. I'm a pretty intelligent person, how could I be such a poor judge of character? Going from one alcoholic to another...it really troubles me. My daughter has lost respect for me because I have stayed as long as I have. She doesn't see the good side of my ADP and never liked him from the start.
If I wind up leaving again, I can never trust myself to make a healthy choice with another relationship and frankly, I don't even think in those terms at this point. I'm with the man I love, and he is an alcoholic and I either learn to deal with that and stop 'hoping' that he will stop drinking or I leave. Again. Last time I left, I lost most of my possessions and now if I leave, I know I wont be able to take all my stuff because I will wind up in a tiny place if I'm lucky. So again I will be walking away from stuff I've worked for over the years. It's just stuff though, the real pain will be leaving someone I have loved unfailingly for 20 years. That's the real heartbreaker. Honestly, if I didn't have my dog who depends on me, I wouldn't care if I woke up another day. When you are suffering with an alcoholic, your feelings get NO validation; you tell them how much they are hurting you and they turn it back on you, like you're the one with the problem. That is unbelievably frustrating. I'm sorry to go on and on, but it actually seems to help a little just getting it out.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:54 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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*hugs* Donna...it's no reflection on YOU that your partner is being abusive. It's not like when you met him, he had a neon sign on his head that said "Abusive @sshole When Drunk".

I know how hard it can be to come to grips with considering oneself as abused. It puts into question our sense of self-worth, our ability to choose "a good partner", and our self-perceived capacity to be loved. I didn't mean to shake you up when I posted "You are being abused"; when and if you decide you've had enough of this rollercoaster ride, you will choose to get off. Until then, it's just a question of protecting yourself by recognizing your situation.

From where I sit, the man you love is jerking you around. "Get ouf of my bedroom." "No wait, come back again". "You're probably trolling for men on FB". This is emotional abuse. I'm sure there's more you're not writing about.

As for "If I wind up leaving again, I can never trust myself to make a healthy choice with another relationship"...well, I don't think it has to come to that. I also chose REALLY unhealthy men to interact with, for several years, because I thought I needed them to fill some void in me. This may be a good opportunity to grab "Codependent No More" and perhaps examine why you've chosen partners who treat you so poorly, drunk or not.

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Old 02-16-2011, 11:02 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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No. You CAN make good choices after being with an abusive man.. I'm living, breathing testimony to that.

When I left my ex, I too was wary of my ability to spot the signals in the future and make the right choices.. I got counselling, looked long and hard at what I had chosen to ignore when getting involved with him and why, worked on my self esteem (which had been eroded living with the ex) and got myself balanced.

If you choose to go, it's not the end for you.. you can be happy..

*hugs*

Tx
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Old 02-17-2011, 06:21 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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After much thought, I decided to move back to the bedroom (for the time being). I texted him and said that I loved him and would move back in and he indicated that this made him very happy. I thought of it as extending an olive branch and that perhaps he would see it as me trying to show him that I am trying to live in a peaceful environment (which is all I can hope for at this point).
All seemed fine until after dinner when he started in on me, again, with the same old [email protected] about me accepting him as he is and he accepting me as I am, which is a sneak and a biatch. I asked if he thought this conversation was necessary and productive, as I had taken a step by doing as he had asked, and moving back into the bedroom and it just degraded into the same old rhetoric that he goes back to time and time again. Blaming me for bringing it up (which I didn't) and on and on.
Every verbal interaction becomes an argument, he makes everything I say a negative comment. When someone is just itching for a fight, you can say or do nothing that wont propagate that. So I just clam up and not say anything, just agree with whatever he says. He winds up arguing with himself because I'm not taking part in it. He accuses me of bringing up the booze every day, and I make a concerted effort to specifically NOT mention it because it's inflammatory and does no good. He knows he's a drunk, I don't have to remind him of it.
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Old 02-17-2011, 06:46 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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And so the cycle continues.

He's let you back 'in' because you can't throw someone out of the partnership bed if they're not in it.. can't berate and attack someone verbally and emotionally if they're pushed away and not there to interact with.. can't carry on chipping away at their self worth and self esteem if there may be a chance that by having some distance they may realise it is being eroded.

You're his whipping post. A canvas for him to throw his projections on. You will be damned if you stick around and take it and minimise the behaviour.. and damned if you don't. Nothing you do or say, however concillatory, is going to stop him doing this.. the precedents are set and the merry-go-round will keep turning until it is stopped.

Do you think he can stop it? If not then it will be up to you to jump safely off the ride.

Tx
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:13 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I just ordered 'Codependant No More' and 'Why Does He Do That?'. Perhaps I will gain some insight that has escaped me over these many years. I hope so. Maybe I will learn to be more tolerant, but I just can't stand the sight of him when he's drinking. We'll see.
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:34 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I just can't stand the sight of him when he's drinking.
I hope, for your sake, you don't have to see it much longer.
I understand how you feel.

Beth
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Old 02-17-2011, 01:23 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DonnaJL View Post
You would be surprised at the amount of time I spend alone in the bedroom, reading or watching TV and he is downstairs with a bottle his favorite Russian beverage.
I'm afraid, I wouldn't be surprised at all. And I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. The realm of my life with XAH was reduced to one room. When I came home, if he was in a mood, which he usually was, I went to the room. He 'let' me get cable for the room; I was paying for cable any way and everything else. The room was where I was supposed to read, because if I was reading, I was trying to make him feel stupid. If I came out to clean up the sty he'd made so DS wouldn't stick something gross or a choking hazard in his mouth or hurt himself on some bizarre drunken mess, I was trying to make him feel guilty or being too noisy so he couldn't hear the f-ing TV. If I didn't go straight to the room when I got home, he'd end up ordering me to go to the room.

I try hard not to interact with him, but he will come upstairs and harrass me anyway. I miss having conversations with the sober part of him and he can be acting ok one minute and then cursing me out the next.
Same here. If I tried to talk to him, to ask how his day was, etc., I was being a nosy b-tch; if I didn't ask (because I was afraid of him going off), I was an uncaring, cold frigid b-tch. Right now, though, I'm having a hard time remembering any conversations that we had that didn't revolve around him and his hobbies or that didn't involve him verbally bashing, demeaning or belittling me or my friends. There had to be some, right? I wouldn't have stayed if there weren't. Him coming to the room was the worst. Even though he made me stay in the room and it felt kind of like a prison, it was also my safe haven - until he started coming into the room. I still have nightmares. I still start if the cat pushes the door open in the night. My heart still races and I expect a fight or worse.

I'm looking for an apartment I can afford on my set income but my area is pricey and it's next to impossible to find anything. It kills me that I would have to actually move out after 20 years because of his behavior and he says he doesn't want me to go, but is unwilling or unable to change so something has to give.
This was hard for me too. The apartments I could afford on my own were either in one of a few very rough neighborhoods and/or had wait lists a mile long. I finally found a one-bedroom in my price range though, and it was in a secure building. The down side was that it didn't have any green around it and DS and I had to either drive to a park or play in the parking lot. I just had to remind myself that it wasn't forever. Eventually, I'd be able to find a different home for me and DS and the main thing to remember was that we were SAFE at the apartment.

The unknown is scary. It was a huge leap for me to leave. It's a huge decision to decide to remain. There are reasons to make either decision and you're the only person who can decide if it's the right one for you right now. It could change tomorrow and you have the right to change your mind.

DesertEyes signature helps me quite a bit when I get stuck thinking about the past few years: "Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings."

Wishing you peace and continued strength. You are stronger than you know.
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Old 02-17-2011, 01:30 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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BTDT. At least he didn't hijack your facebook page and write you a nasty feed and broadcast it to all your Facebook friends--including clients, like mine did.

I hear ya, sister.
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