Uh...yeah..Hi?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 5
Uh...yeah..Hi?
So, I guess I have been lurking in the forums long enough...
This is not an easy thing for me to do. In my entire 35 years of life I have never, not even once, talked to anyone about the alcoholics in my life. My mother was an alcoholic (she passed when I was 16) and every one of my immediate family members are and were as well. So, what did I do? Grew up and married an alcoholic.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. His drinking has now become an all consuming force in my life. It's all I think about, it's all I worry about. I can admit now, that alcoholism has in fact always consumed my life. However lately my emotions are becoming out of control. One minute I'm "ok" then the next I am engulfed with rage, then I cry uncontrollably.
I don't know what to do to help him, nothing I do does any good. I can think of nothing else it seems. It's like I'm obsessed with his drinking. I feel so hopeless. I'm tired of crying. I feel like I'm drowning.
Please help me.
Thank you.
This is not an easy thing for me to do. In my entire 35 years of life I have never, not even once, talked to anyone about the alcoholics in my life. My mother was an alcoholic (she passed when I was 16) and every one of my immediate family members are and were as well. So, what did I do? Grew up and married an alcoholic.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. His drinking has now become an all consuming force in my life. It's all I think about, it's all I worry about. I can admit now, that alcoholism has in fact always consumed my life. However lately my emotions are becoming out of control. One minute I'm "ok" then the next I am engulfed with rage, then I cry uncontrollably.
I don't know what to do to help him, nothing I do does any good. I can think of nothing else it seems. It's like I'm obsessed with his drinking. I feel so hopeless. I'm tired of crying. I feel like I'm drowning.
Please help me.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
hi, welcome.
It is hard to feel so beaten down and trapped, I know. So many of us know what you're talking about. Read some more here. Can you find an al-anon meeting? Those meetings can be miraculous for learning to find your own peace - even in the midst of marriage to an alcoholic.
You're doing fine. Take some breaths, read the stickies at the top of this forum. Post more, it helps you get your thinking straight.
It is hard to feel so beaten down and trapped, I know. So many of us know what you're talking about. Read some more here. Can you find an al-anon meeting? Those meetings can be miraculous for learning to find your own peace - even in the midst of marriage to an alcoholic.
You're doing fine. Take some breaths, read the stickies at the top of this forum. Post more, it helps you get your thinking straight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by stella27 
hi, welcome.
It is hard to feel so beaten down and trapped, I know. So many of us know what you're talking about. Read some more here. Can you find an al-anon meeting? Those meetings can be miraculous for learning to find your own peace - even in the midst of marriage to an alcoholic.
You're doing fine. Take some breaths, read the stickies at the top of this forum. Post more, it helps you get your thinking straight.
It is hard to feel so beaten down and trapped, I know. So many of us know what you're talking about. Read some more here. Can you find an al-anon meeting? Those meetings can be miraculous for learning to find your own peace - even in the midst of marriage to an alcoholic.
You're doing fine. Take some breaths, read the stickies at the top of this forum. Post more, it helps you get your thinking straight.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Welcome CarelessWhisper and I am sorry for what brings you here.
I too came from a family with addicts on both sides and I too married an addict. I want to say to you the 3 C's that are posted here all the time
YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT
YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT and
YOU CANNOT CURE IT
The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Please be gently with yourself and put the focus back on you. What you can do to feel better. I see a counselor every week, read books and articles, come on this site daily, and meetings. If you have not been to any face to face meeting before now might be a good time. You do not have to talk and can just listen. They say try at few before you decide if it is right for you. The book Codependent No More is a good start also. You also grew up with addicts and I would suggest you read about that also. I am reading It Will Not Happen To Me right now. It has given me great insight into my own behavior.
Please know that you can come and post anything at anytime here. There is almost always someone on here to reply. There are also online meetings and open chats here as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
I too came from a family with addicts on both sides and I too married an addict. I want to say to you the 3 C's that are posted here all the time
YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT
YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT and
YOU CANNOT CURE IT
The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Please be gently with yourself and put the focus back on you. What you can do to feel better. I see a counselor every week, read books and articles, come on this site daily, and meetings. If you have not been to any face to face meeting before now might be a good time. You do not have to talk and can just listen. They say try at few before you decide if it is right for you. The book Codependent No More is a good start also. You also grew up with addicts and I would suggest you read about that also. I am reading It Will Not Happen To Me right now. It has given me great insight into my own behavior.
Please know that you can come and post anything at anytime here. There is almost always someone on here to reply. There are also online meetings and open chats here as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
lc1972 beat me to the 3C's. *Grins*
An alcoholic will do whatever he can to surround himself with people who will support his drinking, because he does not want to face the problem. He will use manipulation, guilt, and anything else he can think of to avoid facing his addiction.
You cannot save him. You cannot cure him. You cannot stop him from drinking unless he truly wants to stop. (Mine has been talking about quitting drinking for 2 years, and even dabbled in a few of his own self-remedies to cut down and cut back and stop drinking, but he doesn't have a real program, he's not committed to the outpatient program he's in now, and even if he doesn't drink ever again he's still got the 'isms' - he'll be what this forum calls a "dry drunk.")
Find an Al-Anon meeting near you, so you can meet people face to face who are having similar problems. You don't have to talk at a meeting, just listen. You don't have to worry about crying at a meeting, they bring plenty of tissues because everyone cries at some point.
And keep posting and reading here, because it does help. This is not about helping the alcoholic, this is about helping you regain the wonderful life you deserve, in whatever way works best for you. Sometimes seeing us work a program does inspire the alcoholic to get better, sometimes it doesn't, but either way it helps YOU get better.
(((HUGS)))
You're NOT alone.
An alcoholic will do whatever he can to surround himself with people who will support his drinking, because he does not want to face the problem. He will use manipulation, guilt, and anything else he can think of to avoid facing his addiction.
You cannot save him. You cannot cure him. You cannot stop him from drinking unless he truly wants to stop. (Mine has been talking about quitting drinking for 2 years, and even dabbled in a few of his own self-remedies to cut down and cut back and stop drinking, but he doesn't have a real program, he's not committed to the outpatient program he's in now, and even if he doesn't drink ever again he's still got the 'isms' - he'll be what this forum calls a "dry drunk.")
Find an Al-Anon meeting near you, so you can meet people face to face who are having similar problems. You don't have to talk at a meeting, just listen. You don't have to worry about crying at a meeting, they bring plenty of tissues because everyone cries at some point.
And keep posting and reading here, because it does help. This is not about helping the alcoholic, this is about helping you regain the wonderful life you deserve, in whatever way works best for you. Sometimes seeing us work a program does inspire the alcoholic to get better, sometimes it doesn't, but either way it helps YOU get better.
(((HUGS)))
You're NOT alone.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi CarelessWhisper. 
to SoberRecovery. I can relate to your post as I am also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and have experienced the feelings you describe in your post many times when living or being involved in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict.
We do become obsessed with what the other person is doing and it can make us just as sick as the alcoholic. AlAnon saved my life. Here is a link to AlAnon that will help you locate a meeting: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico Please make the effort to go. There, you will meet other people who have been through, and are going through, the same things as you.
Also, you may want to take an on-line depression screening to see if you should contact a physician for depression: Live Your Life Well: Depression Screener This website also provides a list of 10 tools to help you feel stronger. Please take care of yourself. One way of knowing what you need is to do the H.A.L.T. checklist. Check in with yourself and ask, am I:
Hungry,
Angry,
Lonely, or
Tired?
If you answer "Yes" to any of these, take action to get your needs met.
Please keep coming here to read and post what you are going through. We are here to support you and we care about you. (((hugs)))
to SoberRecovery. I can relate to your post as I am also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and have experienced the feelings you describe in your post many times when living or being involved in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. We do become obsessed with what the other person is doing and it can make us just as sick as the alcoholic. AlAnon saved my life. Here is a link to AlAnon that will help you locate a meeting: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico Please make the effort to go. There, you will meet other people who have been through, and are going through, the same things as you.
Also, you may want to take an on-line depression screening to see if you should contact a physician for depression: Live Your Life Well: Depression Screener This website also provides a list of 10 tools to help you feel stronger. Please take care of yourself. One way of knowing what you need is to do the H.A.L.T. checklist. Check in with yourself and ask, am I:
Hungry,
Angry,
Lonely, or
Tired?
If you answer "Yes" to any of these, take action to get your needs met.
Please keep coming here to read and post what you are going through. We are here to support you and we care about you. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
(((hugs)))
What a burden you're carrying, protecting all the people around you by not talking about their alcoholism!!!
You have a right to take care of yourself, and it sounds like you've come to a breaking point. I know sometimes that's what it takes when you're the one who's been keeping it together for everyone else -- you don't ask for help until you're just feeling broken inside. And you're not used to asking for help, which makes it that much harder. Just know this: It is OK to not be able to handle everything on your own.
I once called my regular doctor's office crying so hard I couldn't even talk. Luckily, the triage nurse was married to an alcoholic and was able to pick out the context from whatever random words she managed to understand. I'm telling you this because I want you to know that there are people out there who understand, and who are willing to help.
I second (or third) all the suggestions above. Al-Anon is an amazing way to feel like you have some grip on your life again (and I was terrified the first time I walked into a meeting -- but it's the most caring, non-judgmental community of people I've ever encountered). And if you have that option, maybe you could call your doctor? Because it sounds to me like you're in a very bad place right now. And I'm sorry for the alcoholism that brought you here, but I'm glad you're here. This is a good place.
What a burden you're carrying, protecting all the people around you by not talking about their alcoholism!!!
You have a right to take care of yourself, and it sounds like you've come to a breaking point. I know sometimes that's what it takes when you're the one who's been keeping it together for everyone else -- you don't ask for help until you're just feeling broken inside. And you're not used to asking for help, which makes it that much harder. Just know this: It is OK to not be able to handle everything on your own.
I once called my regular doctor's office crying so hard I couldn't even talk. Luckily, the triage nurse was married to an alcoholic and was able to pick out the context from whatever random words she managed to understand. I'm telling you this because I want you to know that there are people out there who understand, and who are willing to help.
I second (or third) all the suggestions above. Al-Anon is an amazing way to feel like you have some grip on your life again (and I was terrified the first time I walked into a meeting -- but it's the most caring, non-judgmental community of people I've ever encountered). And if you have that option, maybe you could call your doctor? Because it sounds to me like you're in a very bad place right now. And I'm sorry for the alcoholism that brought you here, but I'm glad you're here. This is a good place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Al-Anon save my life too. A note about it-- it's for you, not him, and sometimes the alcoholics in our lives don't want us to go to Al-Anon (though some do, as my wife did). Regardless, go to at least six different meetings before deciding if it is for you, and keep an open mind. I say this because, I initially used the higher power thing as a reason not to engage. It was a big mistake, and prolonged my misery for years longer than I needed to be miserable.
Along with much of the good information you've already gotten, I think this will point you in the direction you want to go (it did for me).
Take care,
Cyranoak
Along with much of the good information you've already gotten, I think this will point you in the direction you want to go (it did for me).
Take care,
Cyranoak
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Careless)))))
Welcome to SR! You have found a great place with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) from those who have been where you are or are where you are now.
I am glad you found us but sorry for the reasons that you had to.
First the Bad News ............................. you can't help him or 'fix' him. Now the Good News ........................ you can help and 'fix' yourself!
Read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum and others. Read some of the threads and the responses. Ask questions, we will answer with what worked for us. If 'love' could cure our A's none of us would be here, obviously it can't.
Please check out some AlAnon meetings in your area (at least 6) to find some that you seem halfway comfortable in. AlAnon is a great face to face support system for YOU. You may also find that you would like some private counseling, so check around your area, many therapist have a 'sliding scale fee system' so that they are affordable. Try and find one that specializes in addiction therapy.
One of the first things you will learn is:
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control this.
You can't Cure this.
That was a hard one for myself and others to accept but it is true.
Next, pull up your keyboard and rant, vent, scream, cry, and laugh. We are here for you and we do understand. Some of us are called "double winners" (myself included). Those are folks that first recovered from their alcoholism and have years of sobriety and then went to work on their codependency issues.
You might also want to get yourself a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, it is available on Amazon at a very reasonable cost, and start reading it with a highlighter in hand to highlight what pops out at you. Then go back and right about what you highlighted. Then read it again with a different colored highlighter and do the same, you get the idea, lol as we grow and change, different passages take on different meanings to us.
Again, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!
Again welcome!!!!
Love and hugs,
Welcome to SR! You have found a great place with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) from those who have been where you are or are where you are now.
I am glad you found us but sorry for the reasons that you had to.
First the Bad News ............................. you can't help him or 'fix' him. Now the Good News ........................ you can help and 'fix' yourself!
Read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum and others. Read some of the threads and the responses. Ask questions, we will answer with what worked for us. If 'love' could cure our A's none of us would be here, obviously it can't.
Please check out some AlAnon meetings in your area (at least 6) to find some that you seem halfway comfortable in. AlAnon is a great face to face support system for YOU. You may also find that you would like some private counseling, so check around your area, many therapist have a 'sliding scale fee system' so that they are affordable. Try and find one that specializes in addiction therapy.
One of the first things you will learn is:
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control this.
You can't Cure this.
That was a hard one for myself and others to accept but it is true.
Next, pull up your keyboard and rant, vent, scream, cry, and laugh. We are here for you and we do understand. Some of us are called "double winners" (myself included). Those are folks that first recovered from their alcoholism and have years of sobriety and then went to work on their codependency issues.
You might also want to get yourself a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, it is available on Amazon at a very reasonable cost, and start reading it with a highlighter in hand to highlight what pops out at you. Then go back and right about what you highlighted. Then read it again with a different colored highlighter and do the same, you get the idea, lol as we grow and change, different passages take on different meanings to us.
Again, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!
Again welcome!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I agree with the other posters, especially about talking with a healthcare provider about depression. I had the same symptoms until it dawned on me that I can fix myself, because my AH sure wasn't interested in fixing any of my issues! The more I took better care of myself, the better I began to feel and the clearer my thinking became. Going to Al-Anon helped, as does coming to this forum everyday and posting. By helping others, I am reinforcing my own stuff, if that makes sense.
I used to wish for a "mute" button to get my AH to BE QUIET and leave me alone. Then I realized I did - they were my feet - and I could leave at any time (the room, the house, the marriage). It was very empowering to realize I had choices.
The stickies here are wonderful, & then read books about alcoholism, children of alcoholics, go to Al-Anon, talk with your health-care provider about depression options, and get yourself stronger. And hang in there. You are surrounded by people who are in your shoes (or have been and made it out the other end just fine!).
Welcome!
T
I used to wish for a "mute" button to get my AH to BE QUIET and leave me alone. Then I realized I did - they were my feet - and I could leave at any time (the room, the house, the marriage). It was very empowering to realize I had choices.
The stickies here are wonderful, & then read books about alcoholism, children of alcoholics, go to Al-Anon, talk with your health-care provider about depression options, and get yourself stronger. And hang in there. You are surrounded by people who are in your shoes (or have been and made it out the other end just fine!).
Welcome!
T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 5
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. It means alot to me. For once in my life I don't feel so alone. Will be checking out all the stickies and all the other resources ya'll have offered. It's hard for me to accept that I can't help him, it's a strange thought that I should help myself since I am now accepting I'M the one with a problem... but I guess it's a journey and I am ready to take it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
It is a journey to get back to ourselves and to learn to focus on ourselves. I know growing up in a home with an addict it was very difficult for me to let go of what I was trying to control in my current relationship. I was raised to respond as I did with my husband. I am now learning how to do things differently. In the process of taking care of myself each day I feel better and stronger. I also started to have clearer thoughts and my reasoning seemed better.
I can also feel happy again
I can also feel happy again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
God--in a broad vague way for me is Truth--Truth is God, not organized religion type.
Why God, don't you relieve me of my suffering?
Like Jesus on the cross--why have you forsaken me?
I think if God would answer--because it is so much more beautiful to watch when you learn how to relieve yourself of your suffering.
Why do for you what you can learn to do for yourself?
You will grow and become more beautiful in the process, and all those that love you will see the beauty in watching you grow this way and relieve your own suffering.
For someone to do it for you would be to rob you of that growth.
But you can learn HOW to help yourself here, and any place, any reading, any enlightenment you can find in life to help yourself.
Listen, read, and take in every little seed of growth wherever you find it. Those seeds will grow.
You didn't get ill in a moment's time, and you won't get well in a heartbeat either.
But every little seed of growth you plant in yourself will relieve your suffering just a little bit at a time.
(sidenote--thanks to my recovering alcoholic friend for some of that enlightenment in myself).
Why God, don't you relieve me of my suffering?
Like Jesus on the cross--why have you forsaken me?
I think if God would answer--because it is so much more beautiful to watch when you learn how to relieve yourself of your suffering.
Why do for you what you can learn to do for yourself?
You will grow and become more beautiful in the process, and all those that love you will see the beauty in watching you grow this way and relieve your own suffering.
For someone to do it for you would be to rob you of that growth.
But you can learn HOW to help yourself here, and any place, any reading, any enlightenment you can find in life to help yourself.
Listen, read, and take in every little seed of growth wherever you find it. Those seeds will grow.
You didn't get ill in a moment's time, and you won't get well in a heartbeat either.
But every little seed of growth you plant in yourself will relieve your suffering just a little bit at a time.
(sidenote--thanks to my recovering alcoholic friend for some of that enlightenment in myself).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It's hard for me to accept that I can't help him, it's a strange thought that I should help myself since I am now accepting I'M the one with a problem... but I guess it's a journey and I am ready to take it.
But letting go of the idea that I can change anyone but myself has lifted a huge burden from me.
Yes, it is a journey. A journey of self discovery.
find out who careless whisper is without trying to keep all those plates spinning in the air.
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