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fallingtears75 01-30-2011 11:31 PM

Im lost and confused! plz help
hi everyone, I will try and not make this long or complicated.

I met the love of my life 6mths ago, everything was perfect, we just clicked, then i realized he had a drinking issue, i didnt mind having a few here and there, but he wanted it daily, then he would drive drinking, I couldnt do this, so I said its the drink or me, he chose me and stopped drinking for about a mth. we had some issues in beetween as I have a drinking issue at times, when I drink to much I say all the wrong things and get depressed. so we had a few fight , mostly due to me feeling insecure about me, which i have low esteem. he allways loved and supported me, but i kept pushing him away due I felt I didnt deserve his love, or anyones for that matter.

so as time went on i got a call my dad was dying,we hadn't spoke in 3yrs, so on that friday i find out 5days later he dies, no time to absorb it comprehend it just one day with him awake and he dies in my arms :( I was shattered no
one ever died close to me before let alone my dad.

so i drank was depressed and said some not nice things to my ex, but I wasnt saying them to him directly just out load but didnt realize I did. so he dumped me????well I crashed and burned dad dies and he dumps me, lost alone I couldn't think. this was only 3mths ago btw.
so for the last 3mth in and out of contact with my ex, he says he still loves me,but cant forgive me,thinks im cheating think ive been with a man, accuses me of stuff I would never do,Im hurt person but 100% faithful minds body soul. he fabricated this stuff up??
he wont take me back he says right now till he forgets what ive said, I cracked today and went to his house and it turned out I caved into sleeping with him, hoping he would see how much he misses me and loves me, but nope soon as were done he starts aain, your with somone. never have I been. "Idon't believe u"

i offered him to goto aa with me, he wont reply, he drinks everyday says his life is over I crushed it and made him who he is, says im not supose to be with anyone but him as we are made for eachother, but he wont ome back to me? I dont know what to do I love this man so much, but I feel used and lied to, I dont know anymore if he loves me or not.

sorry was so long

lillamy 01-30-2011 11:38 PM


You're not going to like what I have to say -- but trust me, it's coming from a place of love:

You need to take care of you, regardless of what he chooses to do.
He is an adult; he will choose to do what he will choose to do.
But you know what you need: You need to get help for yourself -- for your own drinking problem, for your grief over your father (that made me cry!!!), for your low self-esteem. You're unique, you're an amazing creature and there's nobody else on this earth like you.

You deserve to take care of that. Nourish that. Find a way to get the help to remove the things that are standing in your way. AA would be a great way to start that process. But you have to do it for you -- not for him.

Al-Anon says you didn't cause his drinking problem, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You have to start where you can have an impact -- with yourself.

And that's just me, and it's late everywhere but in the western outposts -- so don't worry if you don't get many responses tonight. This is a very caring, loving community, and the one thing we all have in common is that we've loved someone who's an alcoholic.

Take care of yourself.

fallingtears75 01-30-2011 11:42 PM

I don't want to let him go, he says he loves me tho? we are soul mates then cries :( i cant handle loosing him I guess thats why I hold on to him cause I lost my dad and I cant bare to let another loved one go especially him.
why wont he take me back, doesnt love forgive all?

lillamy 01-30-2011 11:59 PM

You know... I think sometimes, when you're in pain, you hold on to someone because they're keeping you afloat, even if they're not who you would really ideally want to be with. I know that was the case for me.

Does he love you, or does he just need you for support, and need you to unload on when he's upset about his own life? Do you love him, or do you just need someone to hold onto? Do you love him or do you just feel responsible for him?

When your emotions are in a state of upheaval, it's really difficult to know what's up and what's down and what's what. So I would focus on that which you can control -- your own life, your own goals. What do you want from your life? Do you want to be together with an alcoholic who dumps you when you're suffering the greatest loss in your life? That isn't love, to me. Someone who loves you supports you when you lose your father. They don't dump you because you're preoccupied with something that doesn't have anything to do with them.

I know you don't see it now, but there's an ocean of amazing men out there who don't have drinking problems. Who will hold you when you cry without making you feel guilty for having feelings of your own. Who will want to know how you're doing, who will be equal partners in the relationship, and not just be there when it's convenient.

fallingtears75 01-31-2011 12:10 AM

I hear ya, I do love him, i love what we had, but I said things and now he has his walls up and wont forgive me. he did suport me for 2weeks after he died but then dumped me, but I wasnt in my right frame of mind,i didnt mean to be hurtful.
I know their are others but that is far from my mind, I dont have luck in that department, think I would rather be alone :(

lillamy 01-31-2011 12:17 AM

I think the most important thing right now is not who you have by your side, but that you take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

fallingtears75 01-31-2011 12:19 AM

thanx for trying to help me :)

theuncertainty 01-31-2011 12:55 AM

Hugs, Fallingtears. I am so sorry about your father and everything else going on in your life. It doesn't sound like your BF is in a place where he can be supportive of you right now, and in a time when you really need it.

Please do take the time to allow yourself to grieve for your dad and to take gentle care of yourself right now.


Floss 01-31-2011 05:37 AM

Hi Fallingtears and welcome to the F&F forum. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and you're BF. As Lillamy and Uncertainty said, now is the time to be gentle on yourself and concentrate on you. Easier said than done...I know. You're grieving and it's going to be one day at a time. It's not nice when someone dumps you when they should be supporting you at a time like this. The problem is, your boy friend's drinking has become his first priority in life and that's not your fault. My ex alcoholic defacto went off the wagon two days after I attended the funeral of a close friend's 15 year old son who died suddenly. He wasn't there to support me either. Instead, it all became about him again...As Lillamy said, You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

Maybe when you're over some of the shock, AA may be helpful to you as well as Al-Anon and even ACoA if you're a child of an alcoholic. There will be much support on this forum fallingtears. Keep reading and posting. Take care... :grouphug:

LexieCat 01-31-2011 05:56 AM

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad--that's very difficult under any circumstances.

It sounds to me, too, like you have your own drinking problem you need to address. Have you been drinking through your grief over your dad and your breakup?

It's difficult to deal with those things as long as you are drinking, yourself. You might want to check out AA for yourself. You can't change your boyfriend's drinking, you can only take care of yourself.

Hugs, hope you will continue to reach out for help.

fallingtears75 01-31-2011 06:53 AM

thanks everyone :( im still greiving my dad, but its getting better, one day is good and another might be wow terrible. I know I cant change my ex but I hate to walk away. he gave it up before he can again, guess I dont mean anything or as much as I usto. I asked him today if he would do aa with me, took him 15min to answer, he said no. im crushed, am I to walk away from him forever now?

fallingtears75 01-31-2011 06:54 AM

forgot, yes lexie off and on Im trying not to cause it makes me so sick now

JenT1968 01-31-2011 07:43 AM

Dear Falling, I am so sorry for the loss of your father, please be gentle with yourself as you grieve.

before I met my husband I went out with a cocaine addict, I was besotted with him, he treated me badly, was incapable of being faithful, he lied, cheated, blah, blah, blah. We were together for 4 years. After about 3 years I was talking to a close male friend about how the first 6 months were good and I didn't really know what was going wrong since, and he turned to me and said "6 months of good is a really short time you know, anyone can do 6 months of good at the beginning of a relationship, you don't even know each other, why are you still with him now you know what he's really like?" and I thought PFFTT! what do you know? not everyone can meet miss-perfect-who-lives-next-door and be fabulously in love 8 years later like you and C are.

so, anyway, older and wiser now I think perhaps he had a teeny bit of a point (maybe).

within a 3 month period you have met, fallen in love with, issued ultimatums about his drinking to, supported the sobriety of, been on the receiving end of ultimatums about your drinking from, and been dumped by "the love of your life". When was the time for the "good bit" that you're hanging onto here?

I have problems misattributing powerful emotions as something to do with "love", these can include lust, pain, loss, fear, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, lostness. You've got alot going on in your life at the moment, much that you need to proccess and work through, perhaps now is not the time to focus on a relationship especially with someone who mistrusts and berrates you at a time you need support and gentle care.

Learn2Live 01-31-2011 08:12 AM

Hi fallingtears, :welcome to SR. Thank you for sharing.

It seems that there are a few things going on with you that are causing you trouble. First is the grief that you are experiencing from the loss of your dad. I am so sorry your dad has passed away. Grief is a process that we all go through when we suffer a loss like you have. And it's important that during this time you be gentle with, and take good care of, yourself. This means being aware of our own needs and taking the necessary steps to address those needs.

Alcohol is a depressant and so it is probably not a good idea to drink during this time. You say you have been going to AA; are you going every day? You can take care of yourself by going to AA every day, regardless of whether or not the person you have been seeing will go with you.

Also, when we are depressed or have low self-esteem, there are many things we can do to take care of ourselves to get better. One is to go to the doctor to be assessed for depression and to be treated for depression if necessary. I have personally suffered from depression most of my life and have battled with low self-esteem many times. But both can be successfully overcome. You can learn ways to strengthen your self-esteem. You can get books at the library on how to raise your self-esteem, you can Google it and get ideas from websites, and you can see a counselor who will help you with this.

Whether or not the person you have been seeing participates in these activities with you, you can still take good care of yourself. (((hugs))) hope you feel better soon.

tallulah 01-31-2011 08:56 AM

*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss.

You have grief x2 here: the loss of your Dad and your BF. I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said, but wanted to say be very gentle with yourself and take care of you.


fallingtears75 01-31-2011 06:05 PM

thanx everyone for your input and help, I really appreciate it. today I felt stronger, I have been very sick for a week with the flu now a terrible cold and asthma to top it, so even tho I feel luke crap I pushed myself to do somthing possitive today for me, cleaned the basement lol I didnt know how else to not get him off my mind.
I hope I can stay strong and not fall into weakness and drink cause I dont wanna do that anymore.
I just keep saying to myself my ex isnt the man I met it was lies I guess, bottom line i told him its the drink or me, he refuses, says not right now maybe later. the man takes the drink but in the end the drink will take the man. I hope he gets help and I hope I can heal all my pain cause I do have alot.
do any of you think he will get help?cause he says I was the world to him his life now he has nothing? he says he loves me and we are ment for eachother

seekingcalm 01-31-2011 06:20 PM

I am sorry for the loss of your dad. When my dad died unexpectedly, I did not feel like myself for 1 year. And I went to a therapist to help me work through my grief. It is devastating, I know.

Please take care of yourself. Get the help you need to feel good about yourself, just you. If your boyfriend is an active alcoholic, he cannot help you, even though you may feel that he can. He cannot.

You never know how things will work out...if you are meant to be together, it doesn't have to mean right now. Work on you, leave him to his issues. One day at a time.

fallingtears75 02-03-2011 03:20 PM

if our love was strong enough he would forgive me wouldn't he? or is it that he doesn't want to give the drink up? im so confused cause if he wanted nothing to do with me why say he still loves me,say I was made for him no one else? i hate being without him it kills!

Floss 02-03-2011 05:14 PM

Hi Falling,
Firstly, you're not responsible for your exBF's alcoholism. He's the one tipping it down his own throat. So, when he blames you for where he's at right now, please don't buy into it as it's alcoholic quacking.
Also, don't beat yourself up for sleeping with him after breaking up. I'm sure many of us have done the post-break up sex thing..I know I have.
Thirdly, actions speak louder than words. He may still love you, but if his actions don't match his words then what are you left with? Confusion and uncertainty and he gets to keep you on a string...If he's still active in his alcoholism and he doesn't want to get help, then that's his choice. It's a hard pill to swallow that someone would choose a substance over a human being, but that's the nature of addiction. As for the future, I like many wish there was a crystal ball to see what's going to happen next, what's in store for the future. Unfortunately, we aren't privvy to that information. So, the next best thing we can do is live one day at a time and work on ourselves and our boundaries. And in time, when we're happier and healtheir, our lives will (hopefully) reflect that.

In the meantime, I agree about seeing a doctor. As Learn to Live said, having an assessment for depression may be beneficial right now as you're going through so much. In grief, we're meant to feel a range of emotions including sadness. It's just that when the depression doesn't shift, and we're unable to function on a day to day basis, we may need medical help to bring the chemistry back to normal levels which will in turn, help us cope better.

At the end of the day, what would you say to or do for your best friend if they were going through what you are? Maybe write these things down. Then, treat yourself as your own best friend. You will make it day at a time....

seekingcalm 02-04-2011 07:52 AM

Active alcoholics will do anything, give up anything or anyone to protect their addiction to alcohol. Love means nothing to an active alcoholic. They are not capable of true intimacy. It is a fantasy to think they are.

Read the stickies here, and I also found reading the AA big book very enlightening.

I know it hurts, I have been there...but it gets better if you focus on yourself. Leave him to his HP, and trust that if you take care of yourself, good things will follow.

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