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Old 01-30-2011, 07:56 PM
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Feels good to share...

I stumbled upon the website a couple of weeks ago and it's been a big help. It's feels good to read the stories on here and realize you are not alone. It's amazing how many of the stories are so similar. I have found comfort in reading about other people facing seemingly hopeless sitations who have found the strength and wisdom to make tough, but usually right, decisions about their lives. Since it helped me, I thought I would give a "cliff's notes" version of my story.

I have been with STBXAW for 11 years and married 8. Like many others, I had no inkling of any alcohol issues at all for the first 6 years we were together. We would drink socially but she would usually always get hammered. But at home or otherwise nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
In 2005 I took a new job in another city and was commuting back in forth on weekends while we tried to sell our house. It soon became apparent my STBXAW was having parties while I was gone. She had alcohol stashed all over the house. She was also also doing cocaine and having an affair. Any sane normal person would have left right then and there. What did I do? Set about trying to fix her of course! She went inpatient for 15 days and continued outpatient. Somehow she conviced me that it was only the drugs that were an issue, not alcohol, so she continued to drink.

Fast forward to today, we have a 17 month old DD and a 3 y/o DS. In the last year she has been outpatient, detox, outpatient, inpatient, outpatient, inpatient, residential, outpatient and is currently back in inpatient. I finally figured out I need to exit stage right.

I have already met with a divorce lawyer and plan to meet again this week to get the ball rolling. He plans to serve her while she is in rehab which I kind of have mixed feeling about, but after everything I have been through I don't really care. I have finally figured out I will be a much better dad divorced then trying to "save the marriage for the kids" and we all be miserable.
This site has been great and only reaffirmed I am making the right decision. Sorry the post is long, but it's great to share.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:01 PM
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He plans to serve her while she is in rehab which I kind of have mixed feeling about, but after everything I have been through I don't really care.
Good for you. It's not like you're serving her with divorce papers while she's in the hospital having a heart transplant. She's in rehab where she has support. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I have finally figured out I will be a much better dad divorced then trying to "save the marriage for the kids"
That's a hard pill to swallow, but that's the conclusion I drew, too.

Just one more thing -- you will be gobsmacked at the amount of support that is available from friends, coworkers, family, strangers once you start talking about what your life is like. Everyone has an alcoholic in their life. There are precious few people who can't relate at all.

Big hugs & welcome to SR!!!
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:14 PM
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Thanks for sharing jrlcpl. And . We have a good number of men going through (or have gone through) the same as you, on this forum. Please keep reading and posting here.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by jrlcpl View Post
He plans to serve her while she is in rehab which I kind of have mixed feeling about, but after everything I have been through I don't really care.
She's got access to all sorts of psychologists and councilors and you name it.
If she wants to talk to someone about it, she's got a giant list she can pick from.
In some ways, perhaps serving her while she's in rehab is the BEST time to do it.
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Old 01-31-2011, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
She's got access to all sorts of psychologists and councilors and you name it.
If she wants to talk to someone about it, she's got a giant list she can pick from.
In some ways, perhaps serving her while she's in rehab is the BEST time to do it.
Yep, the more I have thought about the more it make sense that rehab is probably where she needs to be to process her intial feelings when it happens. I sign the papers tomorrow.
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:01 PM
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It does doesn't it

I agree, if there was any 'good' time to do it, serving when she has a readily available support system is probably the best.

Welcome to SR

Tx
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:45 PM
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Welcome to SR and HOORAY for you for taking care of you and your children! I sent XAH to the curb back and July and even though I had doubts now and then, I know I did the right thing.

I actually think that rehab is the perfect place for someone to get bad news (of course, I haven't been on that particular side of the sign-in sheet myself, but I would think). There she lives and breathes a program that can help her deal with that news before she is released.

Best of luck to you on this leg of your journey. Good to have you here.
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:49 PM
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Welcome!
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Old 01-31-2011, 01:14 PM
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Welcome, I am so glad you have found us, and have found comfort in the stories and support at SR.

You are a wonderful dad to take this action. Your children are so young, and you are protecting them from a life of misery. Good for you. I wish you the best at this difficult time.
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:17 PM
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Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing your story.
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:56 PM
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Jrlcpl, now you can focus on you & your precious children who need you. Sending you lots of hugs & positive support!
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:20 PM
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Thanks to all for the support. STBXAW called tonight and I let her know what I was doing. Of course it did not go over well with her. She said she is better, that I need to wait for her to come home so we can spend time together, etc etc. Once she realized I was not changing my mind she got upset saying how could I do this while she was in treatment, I am breaking up our marriage (that was a laugher), etc etc.

She calls back with her counselor on the line and the counselor wants to make sure she understands what is going on. I tell her I am filing for divorce and the counselor says I should wait 6 months before I do anything. I guess my STBXAW failed to mentioned this has been going on for 5 years and the last year she has been in and out of treatment at least 7 times. I think I have waited long enough.

Anyway, the whole deal is just sad. We had some good times and I do not hate her. I still love a part of her. But she is just a shell of who she used to be. I told her I want nothing more then for her to recover but I just can't do it anymore. I plan to take the brunt of things in the divorce (we have some debt) so she can try and get on her feet, get a job and support herself. I want her to spend time with our kids IF she is sober. Who knows how it will work out. Again, thanks for the support. It's nice just to vent this stuff with people who understand.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:53 PM
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Anyway, the whole deal is just sad. We had some good times and I do not hate her. I still love a part of her. But she is just a shell of who she used to be
.

Sounds like your mind is made up. You have my respect. Five years is a long time.
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Old 01-31-2011, 09:43 PM
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You have my respect too. I'm not there just yet, but I will be soon.
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Old 02-01-2011, 02:41 AM
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She calls back with her counselor on the line and the counselor wants to make sure she understands what is going on. I tell her I am filing for divorce and the counselor says I should wait 6 months before I do anything. I guess my STBXAW failed to mentioned this has been going on for 5 years and the last year she has been in and out of treatment at least 7 times. I think I have waited long enough.
You certainly have waited long enough.
I would say the counselor was probably in the dark about all the treatment and problems.
We alcoholics tend to minimalize. It is a skill developed from years of hiding our use.
I am delighted you are making this change for you and your child.

Beth

Last edited by wicked; 02-01-2011 at 02:42 AM. Reason: fix quote
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by jrlcpl View Post
...I plan to take the brunt of things in the divorce (we have some debt) so she can try and get on her feet, get a job and support herself.
Don't hang yourself out to dry. My AW has spent 2.5 years of my life. What's that worth?
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Old 02-01-2011, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Don't hang yourself out to dry. My AW has spent 2.5 years of my life. What's that worth?
I agree. I had to submit all of my monthly expenses and once you actually calculate the monthly cost of stuff either directly or indirectly related to her illness, it's nuts. I have a good lawyer so I am sure it will be fair deal. I am just at the point I want to move on and rebuild.
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Old 02-01-2011, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by jrlcpl View Post
Thanks to all for the support. STBXAW called tonight and I let her know what I was doing. Of course it did not go over well with her. She said she is better, that I need to wait for her to come home so we can spend time together, etc etc. Once she realized I was not changing my mind she got upset saying how could I do this while she was in treatment, I am breaking up our marriage (that was a laugher), etc etc.
QUACK

Originally Posted by jrlcpl View Post
She calls back with her counselor on the line and the counselor wants to make sure she understands what is going on. I tell her I am filing for divorce and the counselor says I should wait 6 months before I do anything. I guess my STBXAW failed to mentioned this has been going on for 5 years and the last year she has been in and out of treatment at least 7 times. I think I have waited long enough.
That's HER counsellor. Making a statement based on what SHE has said. If you had a counsellor, based on what you said, what would they say.

5 years is a loooong time to be making a snap decision.

Originally Posted by jrlcpl View Post
Anyway, the whole deal is just sad. We had some good times and I do not hate her. I still love a part of her. But she is just a shell of who she used to be. I told her I want nothing more then for her to recover but I just can't do it anymore. I plan to take the brunt of things in the divorce (we have some debt) so she can try and get on her feet, get a job and support herself. I want her to spend time with our kids IF she is sober. Who knows how it will work out. Again, thanks for the support. It's nice just to vent this stuff with people who understand.
Look back on the good times with fondness. The bad times without the rose coloured spectacles.

You don't need to take the brunt. That's just shielding. You own your side of the street and it's mess.. let her own hers.

*hugs*

Tx
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Old 02-01-2011, 03:33 PM
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I look at what the counselor said--that you should wait 6 months--as what any counselor would do to try to help protect her new and surely fragile sobriety.

At the same time, you aren't going to LIVE for the purpose of protecting her sobriety. You have to live for you.
At some point she has to stand up and protect her sobriety all by herself. That's the only time it is a real attempt at sobriety.
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:40 PM
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She called tonight and I swear it's like going in circles talking to her. I can tell she is trying to manipulate everything. She comes home the 14th (Valentines Day of all days). She wants me to pick her up with the kids. She wants to spend time with the kids. I still have no idea what her plan is when she leaves the treatment center. I know I need to establish some boundaries but it's confusing since there is much to be worked through since I just signed divorce papers.

She is trying to make me feel like a terrible person for doing what I am doing. I want to keep things civil but every time I talk to her and makes me want to institute scorched earth policy. I have been involved in Al Alon of and on for several years so I plan to try and find a good meeting near me.
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