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My AW comes home Tuesday, what do I do.

Old 01-30-2011, 04:08 PM
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My AW comes home Tuesday, what do I do.

I know there are a ton of threads like this. I have perused so many in the last few hours, and have learned so much about the process.
My wife and I have been married almost 10 years and have 4 and 5 yr old boys.
I am active duty military.
It all started 9 years ago. She had back pain, docs treated with opiates. This went on until about a year ago. I threw down the gauntlet with a doctor, he was just a pain clinic doc. What I refer to as a drug dealer. I got in his face at an appointment, a MRI, 4 months later, she was diagnosed with severe deteriorated disc and they did a fusion of her L4-L5. That was Dec09. Her abuse of opiates was incredible, she would often take herself to an ER during the day to get more vicodin when she ran out. She convinced her psychiatrist that she was having anxiety and panic attacks. 10 years of marriage, I have never seen her have a panic attack. What she really had was the first stages of withdraw. She would tell them she had migraines, again, more withdraw symptoms in the last week or two of her prescription cycle when she ran out of pills. She now has an army of doctors, some prescribing xanax, some ambien, some lunesta, some valium, and the list goes on. Fortunately, SC has laws that limit opiate prescription duration. Those ended a few months ago, then life got really bad. It was bad enough before, I have an inventory of videos of her actions on ambien, and whatnot. She would multidose, not even knowing it. She would start talking to guys on the internet, sexting, that would lead to phone calls.
She never remembers any of it. I have printed the transcripts of her conversations. She knows I have key loggers on all the computers, so I am legally in the clear.
Since the opiates went away, now she started even heavier on the drinking. She switched from beer to bottles of vodka. I did not know this. Her normal daily routing, get up at 630 am, get the kids dressed, and I take em to school. Then she would go back to bed. She has to pick up the youngest at 1130am, then she brings him home and she takes a nap with him until I get home at 2-3pm. She goes to work at 330pm part time at walgreens.
She gets off work at 1030, comes home, says she is checking her email and having a beer and coming to bed. By 3am, she is high, drunk, and on the computer. She then whines that she needs ambien because she can't sleep at night.
The pot finally boiled over a few weeks ago, she was drunk and high at 11am, picked up both kids from school, drove around with her friend and her baby as well. She tried to molest the exterminator that day too.
A few days later, she was passed out on the floor when I got home, the 4 year old jumping on her trying to wake her up.
I found brand new prescriptions for xanax and ambien in her purse.
I called her so called psychiatrist. Turns out she is only a nurse under the supervision of an actual doctor. My wife has never met the actual doctor in almost 2 years of appointments.
Matter of fact, my wife hasn't seen the nurse in person in months. She gets her prescriptions written over the phone.
My wife is now in rehab, I have a lawyer working on the multitude of doctors, at least suspensions if not license removal for their fraudulent prescriptions. I don't care about money. They all know that she drinks, they(the docs) admitted that much.
Anyway, the rehab docs want her on Revia, I told them not a chance. I looked at the side effects, dizziness, drowsiness and so on. She will take the entire bottle if that is what it takes. I have watched her take a box of benydryl at one time just to get that effect.
I told them I wanted her on antabuse. They said they are not sponsors of that med. Go figure, the new expensive Revia, which gives them kickbacks via incentive programs is a 'sponsored' med. The drug that has been around for 70 years and is practically free, they won't prescribe.
You have no idea the anger I have toward the medical insurance and doctor industry. For those that think healthcare insurance is great, you are 100% wrong. When a doc can just write a scrip and bill a company without even doing anything with the patient, the system is broke. At least cash paying customers expect to get something for their money.
I have our first meeting with my wife and her doctor tomorrow afternoon. I pick her up on tuesday. Part of me wants to do whatever it takes to help her. The other part wants to punch her in the face (metaphorically, if I have made it this far without hurting her, I should be fine)and make her hurt the why she has made the boys and me hurt. I know she will be sober, so she will remember everything I say. No hiding behind her pills and bottles. I want her to cry, I want her to hurt, I want her to feel the despair that we do.
I know that is a natural reaction, but I also want my wife back, the one I married 10 years ago. But after reading so many horror stories on here, it is probably not realistic. I have to put my boys first, even if that means throwing away 15 years of active duty service, I can't deploy and take care of my boys. But whatever it takes, that is what I will do.

I just don't know what to do tomorrow at the meeting. I went and saw her yesterday for the first time. She said she did't have a problem and didn't need to be there. She was drugged up for detox. That alone tells me that the process is not working, she is going through the motions just in case DSS gets involved.
What do I do????

For those that have posted their stories, thank you, it at least tells met that I am not alone in my experience.
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Old 01-30-2011, 04:43 PM
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OMG! i am so sorry you are going through all of this...

for her, its called DENIAL
for you, its called AL ANON or NAR ANON...

the 3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and you can not cure this


take it one step at a time...1st, you and your kids....you need to stay strong for them...
we have a bunch of stickies on top for you to read...read as much as you can...and ask more questions...

can she stay at detox? for how long?
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:01 PM
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The most important thing you need to remember is the 3C's.
The second most important thing you need to remember is that you don't have to make any decisions right now. You don't have to do anything until you're ready to do it.

For some people, rehab helps. For some people, it doesn't. It depends upon when they are ready to get better.
It sounds like you are ready to get better, so by all means, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are for you. Depending upon the age of your children, there's also Al-Ateen, which could help them talk about some of the things in their mind without them worrying about hurting either of their parents (since neither you nor your wife would ever know what they said).
Whatever you decide to do, you are not alone. There are a lot of people at this site, and you would be surprised just how many relate to what you say, and how you feel.

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Old 01-30-2011, 05:42 PM
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Thanks, I have been pouring through the threads. My kids are just babies, 5 and 4, so they do not understand.
I am looking into a local AL-anon chapter, but I have to somehow make it work around her meetings if she chooses to go, and being transient folks, we have no one to watch the kids in any reliable schedule. That means our meetings have to work around one another.

As for the duration of her stay at the hospital, she was a self referral, not a court mandate, so they only started her on 5 days, and then reevaluated to 7 days. I think she may not be telling them everything that has gone on and is just going through the motions. I forgot to mention, she has a degree in psychology as well... Ironically, the doc in charge of the hospital is her original psych she was seeing here in Charleston that started her on ambien again 3 years ago. If anyone is combating ambien/lunesta, these drugs should be off the shelves. They have ruined as many lives as alcohol. Anyway, both manufacturers say not to take it for more than 7 days, yet docs always give 30-60 day prescriptions, cha-ching!!
I already told Dr. Cole how I feel about him. He dumped her as a patient when the director spot opened up at the hospital. A very caring doctor indeed.

The three Cs are one of my favorite things I have picked up. Mostly because I could never follow them.

You did cause this
you can control this
and you can cure this

For what I do in the military, those same three Cs could be used to describe exactly what I am trained to believe, only get rid of the "not" from each statement.
14 years, almost half of my entire life, spent in the Navy. I have spent years training to always be in control, and take responsibilities for our actions. We are very strict in our protocols, and integrity and accountability are huge. Even if it isn't your fault, you get fired if something happens within your realm of responsibility. The Navy fires Captains every day for things they did not even know about, but they are still held accountable(glory would be complete if politicians were the same way). We are also trained to try and fix everything. I am a certified Critical Incident Stress Management counselor, providing counseling to those that are involved in traumatic events. Once again, more training to try and 'fix' the problem. So for me to follow the 3 Cs is damned near impossible. I understand them and what they mean, but they are so distant from my own beliefs...
It is my fault, I should have thrown her out a few years ago, before it got this bad. Since I did not take action then, that makes me partially responsible for the now.
I can fix this, with the right tools, and time, I can fix anything, including her.
I can control everything in my domain. I pay for this entire household, I do ALL of the chores, I take care of the bills, I schedule everything, I help the kids with homework, I am the superman of fathers, working full time in the Navy and supporting my dead beat wife. I am even finishing my degree right now, taking two classes, coaching tee-ball, and so on. I manage to do all these things, and deal with my AW and none are the wiser. When I talked to my boss, he had no idea about my wife, I was that good at keeping it all covered. I asked for the week off while she was in the hospital, he was floored when I told him why. Only people who knew were her parents, my parents, and some of her friends (not the other drunks, they think there is nothing wrong with her)
Here is the kicker, DSS has been to my house twice in the last year!! One of her friends dimed her out about some stuff a long time ago. Things that I did not believe were true at the time. She passed the random home visits since they were always early in the morning, before she had a chance to hit the bottle. Our kids are fine, she never abuses them physically or emotionally, that is reserved for myself. Her drug test was null and void since she has prescriptions for the pharmacy she has stocked in the bathroom (which has been purged in the last week, I found so many pills hidden, all kinds of places, even inside the toothbrush holder...very clever). That means there was no proof against her. We/she dodged that bullet twice.
The driving around drunk did it for me. AFIK, she had never done that before. Disrespecting me is one thing, endangering my children, that is a whole new ball game. I keeping an open mind, I recognize the anger I have pent up inside, I am aware of my depression, and as long as I am able to recognize my own symptoms, I am already ahead in the game. I know I need help at some point, hence the fact that I found this site. Just reading all these stories is horribly depressing, (slight chuckle at that, my job ultimately is to kill the enemy, but that doesn't bother me, but reading about other people and their ASOs makes me feel bad). I will continue to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:51 PM
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I can fix this, with the right tools, and time, I can fix anything, including her.

Uh uh. You can't. You cannot "fix" her. You may be able to fix everything at your job, but you cannot fix an alcoholic until they are ready to fix themselves. It's not your job in any case. It's hers. Your job is to take the best care you can of your children and yourself.

Yes, it's obvious you have a lot of anger inside and I hope you get some help for yourself. You cannot control another adult, but you can control yourself and how you react to them.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:02 PM
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Sorry but I can't help but wonder..... isn't it possible that your wife is suffering too and your reactions prove to her that she is as bad as she fears she is ? Maybe she is looking for some comfort and TLC ? I imagine the children would pick up on that as well. I have no idea what you are like of course but my father was VERY military and he was very difficult to live with. Sorry if that offends. Just wondering.
Your situation does sound difficult and I am sorry things are so bad for you, your wife, and your family. Are there relatives anywhere who may be able to take her in with the children to give you both some space or would that be too risky ? What about her own family ? Just thoughts...... take good care.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:53 PM
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Welcome to SR Marlin. I'm so glad that you found us, that you're getting something out of reading here, and that you've shared your story. I very strongly identify with it, as my brother was in active addiction to pain pills for about 15 years (which also began as a result of back surgery meds). It makes sense to me that your spouse switched to alcohol abuse at some point, because I also witnessed switching with my brother. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) he switched from prescription drugs to street drugs once the prescription drug supply was cut off. It was hell to watch and he was insane to deal with. I recognize the constant turmoil in your posts.

Please know that even though you do not see your spouse beating or abusing the kids, those little children ARE affected by living in the same household as an active drug user and alcohol abuser. There are many Adult Children, including me, who can and have provided testimony to the damages living with these people cause.

I know you at this time feel that you can control, cure or fix this but I ask you to consider the children. Sooner or later your constant vigilance will wear you down and you will seek another way. Sometimes, though, unforeseen occurrences may shake you to acceptance. Please do try to get to AlAnon.

(((hugs))) and care; we are here to support you. Please keep reading and posting here.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:57 PM
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PS Since you asked, "What do I do?" if it were me, having been through this a couple times with several different alcoholics and addicts, I would not permit the person back into my home.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:19 AM
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Would it be possible to take a medical leave of absence (under the Family Medical Leave Act) so you can have some space while you see how this plays out?
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:40 AM
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Anyway, both manufacturers say not to take it for more than 7 days, yet docs always give 30-60 day prescriptions, cha-ching!!
Yea, this always gets me! How ridiculous. They know damn well if someone has sleep problems it's not going to go away in 7 days!!!!, hence people becoming addicted to them.

You said in rehab she was drugged up for detox.

I went to rehab for alcohol/prescription med abuse and the meds they gave me to detox were not "fun". I couldn't sleep, felt wired, strange, but not "happily medicated" if you know what I mean.

I did go through a huge mental transformation from going to all the meetings all day long, and looking deep into myself of who I am and what the hell am I doing to myself.

I'm wondering if your wife is getting anything at all from being in rehab?
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Old 01-31-2011, 04:04 AM
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It sounds truly terrible - but remember its not up to you to "fix" her. Only she can do this. You can't make her well. Only she can do that. I am sure that you will be a tower of strength for your wife once she decides she wants to be sober/clean - but you will have to wait for that to happen. I know only too well what it is like to be "forced" into something - It will not work.

My thoughts go out to you and your young sons.
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Old 01-31-2011, 05:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
PS Since you asked, "What do I do?" if it were me, having been through this a couple times with several different alcoholics and addicts, I would not permit the person back into my home.
I understand what you mean, but I don't have it in me. She has nowhere to go, her family won't take her, and the friends that would take her are part of the problem. She would only get worse. I know she would start whoring around, and if that happens, I will NEVER take her back. At least at this point, I am willing to salvage our relationship and help her in any way possible.

Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Would it be possible to take a medical leave of absence (under the Family Medical Leave Act) so you can have some space while you see how this plays out?
I am going to look into this. Unfortunately, the higher your rank gets, the more closely tied your family becomes to your professional success. I know that sounds crazy, but look at the president or a congressman. Their spouse/kids directly reflect on their own performance. This is silly, that i care, but as I mentioned, over half of my thinking life, I have been in the Navy. The higher your rank, the more political your job becomes.

Well, just finished reading up on the FMLA. That leave only applies to the family of the military member. It is to get her our of work to take care of me. It does not provide an option for the military member to take leave to take care of family.

Originally Posted by kiki5711 View Post
Yea, this always gets me! How ridiculous. They know damn well if someone has sleep problems it's not going to go away in 7 days!!!!, hence people becoming addicted to them.

You said in rehab she was drugged up for detox.

I went to rehab for alcohol/prescription med abuse and the meds they gave me to detox were not "fun". I couldn't sleep, felt wired, strange, but not "happily medicated" if you know what I mean.

I did go through a huge mental transformation from going to all the meetings all day long, and looking deep into myself of who I am and what the hell am I doing to myself.

I'm wondering if your wife is getting anything at all from being in rehab?
When I talked to her on the phone last night, I asked about where all of her stashes are, she got all pissy and wouldn't tell me. She said she had legal prescriptions for those and there was nothing I could do about it. In actuality she does not have legal prescriptions any longer, her docs revoked all of them, I just have to find them and dispose of them. She said that she is doing all this just in case DSS gets involved. She does seem to want to stop drinking, even asked me to look up local AA groups and times. But she doesn't think the pills are a problem.
As far as I am concerned, they are THE problem that started all this. She multi-doses these pills, then heads off to the store to get booze. These pills also remove any emotion/stress/anxiety and whatnot from her life. All those little things that normal people use as triggers and warnings. She has effectively figured out a way to disable her "check engine light". She had a sleep study done a few months ago at my urging, it came back with no significant problems. Meaning, she sleeps just fine.
Stress and anxiety are incredibly important to being healthy, if you take away or dull those feelings, you are removing any possible chance you have to recognize a problem. Kind of like turning up the radio in your car to ignore that funny noise.
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Old 01-31-2011, 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by CSHNow View Post
Sorry but I can't help but wonder..... isn't it possible that your wife is suffering too and your reactions prove to her that she is as bad as she fears she is ? Maybe she is looking for some comfort and TLC ? I imagine the children would pick up on that as well. I have no idea what you are like of course but my father was VERY military and he was very difficult to live with. Sorry if that offends. Just wondering.
Your situation does sound difficult and I am sorry things are so bad for you, your wife, and your family. Are there relatives anywhere who may be able to take her in with the children to give you both some space or would that be too risky ? What about her own family ? Just thoughts...... take good care.
My family would take in the children, but she is not going anywhere with them. We tried this last summer, she went to stay with her parents and the kids for awhile. She ended up getting hammered even more, hanging out with "old friends" from school, because now she had a pair of anytime babysitters.
I do not run my household in strict military manner, I am an engineer, so not the ahrdcore soldier style you would think of from the movies. No, she is not looking for TLC, we have tried all that, no one really knows what her problem is. She had a great childhood, her and her sisters all have degrees, the other two are very successful, my wife plays piano in the church, she just has all these pills that Eff her up, and then she does stupid stuff. SHe doesn't think her behavior is bad, even after the videos and transcripts, she apologizes and says "I took some of my pills, sorry, I don't remember that", but never says she is sorry for the pills. She thinks everything is ok, because it never really happens as far as she is concerned. She thinks of it as the time she is asleep. Kind of like being held accountable for what happens in your dreams, that is what these events are to her, fuzzy, blurry dreams.
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Old 01-31-2011, 06:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
PS Since you asked, "What do I do?" if it were me, having been through this a couple times with several different alcoholics and addicts, I would not permit the person back into my home.

I understand what you mean, but I don't have it in me. She has nowhere to go, her family won't take her, and the friends that would take her are part of the problem. She would only get worse. I know she would start whoring around, and if that happens, I will NEVER take her back. At least at this point, I am willing to salvage our relationship and help her in any way possible
I understand, Marlin. Likely everyone on this board has felt this too. When I was in this position, I too had to honor my values and do what I thought was right. I learned a great deal during these times. In my experience, the most important thing for you to do here is TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU. It is very easy to ignore your own needs in these circumstances, especially when you have young children added to the equation. You sound like a VERY strong and capable man, however, please take the necessary steps to seek out support in your community. Whether that means attending AlAnon or other group, participating in church activities, or just playing basketball with the guys on Saturday mornings, it is important for YOU. I hope you will do that.

What has also helped me when I have been in this situation is the Serenity Prayer. It appears at the bottom of all of my posts but I will type it out here.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Reciting this prayer during trying times afforded me sanity when I needed it most. I hope you find that strength from it too.

I just want to gently point out for you that unless she decides to stop, she WILL get worse no matter what you do. In my experience, the trick is to learn as much as you can about the disease so that you can understand what is happening and how she thinks. There are many books on alcoholism and drug addiction. I also strongly suggest the articles by Dr. Floyd Garrett found here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rrett-m-d.html and here: The Addictive Process (the articles are under "Original Papers" on the right-hand side of the screen).

Thank you for sharing and responding. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))

P.S. Given her past history and what you have stated here, please take the necessary precautions to protect yourself from contracting STDs from this person.
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by MarlinVX View Post
I understand what you mean, but I don't have it in me. She has nowhere to go, her family won't take her, and the friends that would take her are part of the problem. She would only get worse. I know she would start whoring around, and if that happens, I will NEVER take her back. At least at this point, I am willing to salvage our relationship and help her in any way possible.
*IF* she were to "*****" around and whatnot, it would be entirely her choice, just like popping pills or taking yet another swig of booze were her choices. There may come a time when you decide that you've had enough of protecting her from the consequences of HER bad choices, at the expense of your children. She may not abuse them in any tangible way, but the interaction you both have together is teaching your children something about human relationships, whether you like it or not. Perhaps you'll get to the point where you want to offer your children a *sane*, healthy and consistent home, and let your wife, a grown woman, figure out her journey for herself.

By continually sheltering your AW from the consequences of her actions, you are robbing her of the dignity of finding recovery for herself. In addition, your children, who are the silent witnesses to all this madness, deserve a normal childhood. You have the power (and obligation I might add) to protect them from their mother who, at the moment, seems quite incapable of caring for them responsibly.

I would strongly advise talking to a lawyer about your obligations and rights with regards to custody, and perhaps temporary exclusive use of the family home.

If her family won't take her in, then she can discuss options with her counsellors in rehab. There are sober living facilities that exist. She could also (gasp) work and figure out how to sustain herself.

I do hope you keep posting and reading here as much as you like.
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:22 AM
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I think my number one priority would be getting childcare provision sorted out, whether she comes home tuesday or not, the kids aren't safe in her care until she has proved a pattern of responsible behaviour that doesn't involve drink-driving/drunk-pill-whacked parenting.

good luck with the decisions, if you're not ready to make them right now, it's ok to ask for more time. she can go and stay somewhere else til you are ready, if she wants extramarital attention she can do that at home as well as away: reference the exterminator.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:10 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Ann
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Marlin, if love could save them, not one of us would be here. If threatening, screaming, withholding, giving, reporting, crying or offering ultimatums could save them, there would be no addicts left.

The sad truth is, nothing we do or do not do will change them one bit...only they can do that when they are ready.

But we can save ourselves. Many of us found our balance by attending meetings of Al-Anon, CoDA or Nar-Anon. I know those meetings literally saved my life. We can find a better way of living, where we wake up each morning looking forward to a wonderful day ahead...and not cringing at yet another day of trying to get one step ahead of "them".

Please take care of yourself and your children. That's your responsibility right now, and nothing more.

Hugs

This is an old reading, one that helped me most when I was trying to "control/rescue/save" my son.

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Into Orbit

It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More


I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. It will be self-defeating.

We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:23 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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For me, I knew only one thing to do when my wife came back. There were, however, a few things I knew not to do:
  1. Not clean up after her.
  2. Not lie for her.
  3. Not bail her out.
  4. Not lie to our daugher or others about her and her behavior.
  5. Not live with her if she did not honor the boundaries I had set for my own and our daughter's safety.
  6. Not give her my money, or access to it.
  7. And many, many more.

It didn't keep her from drinking and relapsing, but the difference was I didn't help her do it. I didn't give her, as another person says here, "a soft place to land." We ultimately divorced and I moved, she did life without me and tried white-knuckle sobriety (and that's what it was, white-knuckle).

A couple of years later we reconciled because I'm an idiot.

She relapsed again, of course, and this time she went to jail. She came straight out of jail (I did not bail her out), put herself in treatment, started AA, and has pursued sobriety like a demon. She hasn't let anything get in her way (including me), and is in her seventh month of recovery and sobriety. I"m to the point where I am obsessing less over her and her sobriety, and my PTSD is lessening.

It has been hard though, and as cliche' as it is, we live one day at a time with no guarantees.

I don't know if any of this will help, but take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. The one thing I knew to do, and I'm glad I did it, is go to an Al-Anon meeting at least twice a week. I still do.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:36 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MarlinVX View Post
No, she is not looking for TLC, we have tried all that, no one really knows what her problem is.
I can't speak for your wife but sometimes addiction can just have physical roots, there doesn't always have to be an emotional reason. Your wife was on chemically addictive drugs which she was given to "treat" what was most likely awful pain. It sounds like initially she took them to relieve her pain but after a while they rewired her brain and created a dependence on them. I'm not saying that she doesn't have emotional issues which she needs to deal with, just that she may not.
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Old 01-31-2011, 09:08 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
For me, I knew only one thing to do when my wife came back. There were, however, a few things I knew not to do:
  1. Not clean up after her.
  2. Not lie for her.
  3. Not bail her out.
  4. Not lie to our daugher or others about her and her behavior.
  5. Not live with her if she did not honor the boundaries I had set for my own and our daughter's safety.
  6. Not give her my money, or access to it.
  7. And many, many more.

It didn't keep her from drinking and relapsing, but the difference was I didn't help her do it. I didn't give her, as another person says here, "a soft place to land." We ultimately divorced and I moved, she did life without me and tried white-knuckle sobriety (and that's what it was, white-knuckle).

A couple of years later we reconciled because I'm an idiot.

She relapsed again, of course, and this time she went to jail. She came straight out of jail (I did not bail her out), put herself in treatment, started AA, and has pursued sobriety like a demon. She hasn't let anything get in her way (including me), and is in her seventh month of recovery and sobriety. I"m to the point where I am obsessing less over her and her sobriety, and my PTSD is lessening.

It has been hard though, and as cliche' as it is, we live one day at a time with no guarantees.

I don't know if any of this will help, but take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. The one thing I knew to do, and I'm glad I did it, is go to an Al-Anon meeting at least twice a week. I still do.

Thank you for that post. It is the way I have been leaning. I am no longer doing her laundry, she is making her own meals, I have to be careful about taking away money and whatnot. The laws are very tricky, and especially so with the military. Regardless of what she does wrong, I have to provide her for as long as we are married. I already moved all of our savings the etrade account that she has no idea how to access and is only in my name, but I cannot take away all access to our accounts. I have informed all of her friends and our neighbors about what is going on. One neighbor today told me that it made perfect sense now. She apparently had gone over there to ask if she could borrow some sleeping pills at one point. My neighbor never thought anything of it since she only did it one time. If she does that with all our neighbors we know in passing, that is a lot of outlets for chemicals of all types, not to mention the moms she meets at pre-k, people at work, and so on. It becomes impossible to stop her at that point. She is very charismatic as well, most people are completely surprised to find out about her problem. She is truly a functional alcoholic and drug addict.
I would like to give an extra special shout out to her manager at Walgreens. They had been grooming her to become a manager of her own store at some point. She started working more hours, he noticed something off about her. He is an alcoholic, been sober for 9 years and counting. He is the one that finally helped me to get her into rehab. He talked to me this morning as well, about letting go if she doesn't want to get help, and that she is on probation at work, meaning drug testing, and random alcohol checks. They are a decent company and he understands what is going on.
Thanks again to all the posters, you have given me things to think about, our meeting is in just a few hours. Wish us luck, (although luck has nothing to do with anything, I believe we make our own destiny, for better or for worse, we are responsible for our own actions, no one else, just us)

Originally Posted by KittyP View Post
I can't speak for your wife but sometimes addiction can just have physical roots, there doesn't always have to be an emotional reason. Your wife was on chemically addictive drugs which she was given to "treat" what was most likely awful pain. It sounds like initially she took them to relieve her pain but after a while they rewired her brain and created a dependence on them. I'm not saying that she doesn't have emotional issues which she needs to deal with, just that she may not.
She has the gene for it. I am very glad we do not live near a casino, because she has that problem as well. We used to live in San Diego, we were dual income, no kids, so fairly well off, she would go to the casino 2-3 times a week. No harm, no foul when you can afford it. She gets addicted to everything, we are currently not coffee drinkers, but I am sure she will be after this. It is the only thing they are allowed to have at detox. Maybe she will get addicted to recovery...bad joke, I know.
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