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My AW comes home Tuesday, what do I do.

Old 01-31-2011, 08:00 PM
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Here we go, this might get lengthy, not sure yet. The claxons have been sounding and I have been preparing for battle for the last few hours, but we will get to that:

I talked to the social worker for 20 minutes before she brought me to my wife. SW said the group sessions were going quite well, except....(pause was provided by the SW telling me this) she said my wife was a great manipulator. My AW convinced the duty doctor over the weekend that her back hurt so bad that she needed loritab!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE DOCTORS?!!!!!!!!!!!! The doctor gave her the meds. She is in rehab for opiates and alcohol, and yet they gave her the pain meds she is in there to combat?! The SW said the doc was very sorry, and they were investigating the incident. What incident?! A doc gave drugs to a drug addict that was there to get help. Not sure what there is to investigate. The doctor in charge of the facility explained that my wife convinced the duty doc that she was there for alcohol, and apparently the doc never looked at her chart for the rest of the story. So she had two more days of opiates, opiates that she has not had for months. Great. Back to square one. I am sure there is a lawsuit in there somewhere, but I don't care anymore.
The SW brought my wife in and the meeting progressed, there were tears, some for joy, some for anger ,but it seemed we were on the right track. My AW said she wanted to quit drinking, that she didn't want to lose me or the kids. She recognized that I can't control her drinking, only she can. It was about this time that I noticed something was up,it was going too well. She kept talking about the drinking. She was choosing her words quite carefully. She is not the only one capable of manipulation.
I led the conversation in a specific direction and eventually I asked her where her pill hiding places were. She got very defensive and wanted to know why. I explained to her that I talked to her pseudo psychiatrist and she revoked all of her prescriptions, and informed the Walgreens pharmacist that her pills needed to be disposed of since the prescription was now void, and those pills were no longer hers. That included the pills at home.
She went through the roof.
If she wasn't doped up, I think she may have hit me in that moment. Fortunately, I am not doped up, and therefore able to move much quicker. The social worker had her removed and then we talked. SW said that she did not see that coming, and had no idea it was that bad. Are you kidding, my wife carefully only said alcohol, never once mentioned the pills. It only took me 5 minutes to figure it out, they have had her for a week, dozens of sessions, and never noticed her vocabulary was very specific. Maybe they are only used to crack heads and poor people or something in there. (no offense to poor crack heads, just a representation of folks that are typically not educated)
Anyway, the SW said that would set back their progress quite a bit. What progress?! I was a little pissed at this point. The pills were here lifeline, her golden parachute, she was just going through the motions, knowing she had dozens of pills stashed around the house to get her through the day. I think she meant what she said about the booze, but without giving up all the drugs, it will make no difference. There was no progress to speak of.
I am supposed to talk to the hospital director tomorrow about the vicodin incident as well as the schedule for her home coming. I don't want her to come home, and the SW agreed with me. Unfortunately, today/tonight are the last days of her meds. Starting tomorrow afternoon, she will no longer be sedated or whatever, and then she will realize she can leave whenever she wants. This is the turning point in what happens next. I asked the hospital to have her committed, the SW saw her reaction to my disclosure of her pills being taken away. My AW was also a bit upset that I found her stashed lorezapam (not sure on the spelling, another stupid tranq drug). She is obviously not stable enough to come home yet. My insurance will pay for 28 days of this private care. I want to use every last day and give her as much of a fighting chance as I can.

I spent the hour drive home crying, partly from rage at doctors, partly disappointment, partly grieving for the inevitable loss of my wife, my best friend, the mother of our two awesome little boys.

Then I went to battle. I called her parents, arranged to fly my MIL to come out and help with the kids. My parents were next in line, rotating with the in-laws. My wife's sisters called as well, wanted to know what they can do to help. They are both fairly well off and offered to take the boys. No can do, they are staying with me, and not changing schools. I told them they can help with my wife. She is going to need somewhere to go in a few weeks. Somewhere away from her deadbeat friends she has here. My in-laws are awesome, as well as my parents. They will help me in any way. The next hard part is trying to work out this thing with the military. I have one year left in my contract, but it is supposed to be on a ship. I already did 9 years of sea time, beyond the normal sea time for an entire career, but such is life in the specialized field I work in.
I have rallied my troops, I handled the meeting quite well I think, was very careful of my words, made sure I did not antagonize her, until I figured out her game.
I wish there was no game. I want it to be over, one way or another. I just want this stress to be gone. I am supposed to have a cross country move in 6 months, I have a house I am upside down 40K on, so I have to deal with that, if I find myself single, I have two dogs, two kids, and a big ass house full of stuff, and all the debt to take care of. I can't count on her for any type of funding, but at least I can drop her student loans. I will be deploying, and my job is incredibly stressful. My house of cards is getting quite large, but I began shoring up the base today, once this rehab time is up, I can begin to tear down the no longer needed parts, but until then, I must continue juggling the whole thing.
On a side note-
Doctors suck, this is beyond a bad experience and bitterness. A whole new set of doctors, and they are just as stupid as the others and continue making the same mistakes as the others. These are supposed to be specialists, even better than a regular psych. I honestly have no faith in the medical industry any longer. Just write me a prescription so I can calm down.
Sorry this is long, but as you all know, this is quite an emotional time, and I still have no closure and no definitive path to take as far as divorce, getting her out of here and so on. Who knows, maybe next week she will see the light and get her head out of her ass. But I will not let her back in here without a plan....period.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:34 PM
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Marlin, I've been following your story and haven't piped up just because others have done a very nice job.

I understand your tendency to look farther down the road -- you have to considering your career -- but try not to "awfulize" about the future or get overwhelmed by ALL THE STUFF you will need to consider. For right now just take it one day at a time and focus on what you need to accomplish today. You've done an incredible job so far and you need to stay healthy.

You've got so much on your plate right now. I want you to remember this phrase as you work through these issues...it helped me to remember what I needed to focus on:

Her problems are not your problems.

Thanks for the update and we're here for you.
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post

Her problems are not your problems.

Thanks for the update and we're here for you.
They are my problems. A husband and wife are bound together, both spiritually and financially. She is a mother, I am a father, that makes her problems my problems. She is my wife, that makes her problems my problems, she is also part owner of our debt as well as our savings, that makes her problems my problems. I have invested a decade of my life, 1/3 of the time I have been alive, to her, that makes her problems, my problems.

I understand what you are saying, but this cut and run BS is too shady for me to blindly follow. I have an obligation to her, and I will fullfill it as long as I can without endangering my children. I owe her that much.
I owe our marriage that much.

Please, keep posting, I read everything, and think about all of the posts, but I will not blindly follow, no more than we should take the pills or advice a doctor gives you, just because they are a doctor. I am not a sheep.
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Old 01-31-2011, 09:01 PM
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You don't have to cut and run. If you want to stand by her and support her in her efforts to live a sober life, then by all means do so. But do not fool yourself into thinking that you can save her, or fix her, or change her. She is an adult and if she wants to drink or take pills, she has the right to drink or take pills. If she wants recovery from all that, then that will be her battle, not yours. It's a long road and it will require constant vigilance on her part. Whichever road she chooses to take, it will be her decision and nothing you can do for her or make her do. I wish you all much luck and yes, we are here to support you.
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Old 01-31-2011, 09:05 PM
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Recovery, Marlin, is not about following, or being a sheep, or cutting and running. It is about awareness, acceptance and action. It is about peace, and serenity, such that most of us, before or without Recovery, could never even imagine existing, much less attain.

If you start going to AlAnon, you will begin to see the unhealthy ways in which you may be entwined with the alcoholic/addict in your life. And perhaps ways you may react to the situation that keep you mired in it.

It does sound like you have a LOT on your plate.
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Old 01-31-2011, 09:25 PM
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marlinVX......Wow! I think you just need a break from the drama for at least awhile..nothing you can do to help her right now..let her work on her issues in rehab..Now from one navy vet to another..Listen up..Atten Hut..About face..Forward March........
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Old 02-01-2011, 03:50 AM
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Suki reflected my thinking best. Yes, all those things you mentioned are quite valid but there IS a line where she ends and you begin. There is only so much you can do to facilitate her recovery. You can go through the house and turn it upside down looking for pills and get rid of every single one. If she is determined (and most addicts are VERY determined), she will find more! You will make yourself absolutely crazy trying to control a situation you ultimately have NO control over -- and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will find relief from the insanity.

My point is: Focus your precious energy on controlling the things you CAN control. Allow her to work (or not work) her own recovery efforts and let the chips fall where they may in that regard. Your energy is needed elsewhere like making contingency plans if she should fail, working your own recovery plan, and taking very good care of those kids. It sounds to me like they need at least one parent who is 'fully present'.

You are smart to do your own thinking! Nobody is asking you to blindly follow our "advice". We have all walked the path you are walking and we offer solutions based on our own experiences. The reason it sounds redundant is because 9 times out of 10 it works!! One day...and it could be years and years (and many heartbreaks) from now....a light bulb will click on and you may find yourself right here on SR saying, "Ah! Now I understand, and I am ready to share my experience, strength and hope."

We all have compassion for you and your situation...more than you realize. That's why we're here. (((Hugs)))
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Old 02-01-2011, 04:03 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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*sigh*, it is very tiring, not much sleep last night of course. I can't wait for my MIL to get here thursday. I have had a camping trip planned for quite some time in Feb. Me and a few of the guys from work going to the Uwharrie Mts. Looks like I will be able to make that again.

Yes, I understand enabling, I understand CD, I understand the stresses involved with trying to combat her addictions.
I also understand that there are always other ways to do things. My wife's doctor would tell me that since I am not sleeping well, just take one of these each night at bed time. Millions of people do it everyday. No thanks, just becuase it is the established acceptable way to do something, doesn't mean its the best or only way to do it.

I think a combination of various ideas will work best, and "I have to be fluid, because flexible is way too rigid".
Well, off to work, have a great day everybody
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Old 02-01-2011, 04:05 AM
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She may need to be on some medication, some sort of antidepressant or anxiety med for a while, maybe for a long while. You can't tell her the only way you'll accept her back home is if she doesn't do ANYTHING. This would drive me to suicide.

When my husband tried to stop my drinking it made me even more mad and determined to get him out of my face. His goody two shoes attitude made me cringe. I wanted to run away from everyone. My husband, my kids, everyone. Just to leave me the hell alone.

I had gone through dealing with 2 different types of cancers and constant drama with my kids and I've had it. If I wanted to drink myself to death, than so be it, and let them suffer, the shits that they were and how little they thought of my situation and only bloodsucking from me.

I eventually realized that it got out of hand and I couldn't stop it and took my husband's advice and went to rehab. It changed my life.
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Old 02-01-2011, 04:26 AM
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I also understand that there are always other ways to do things. My wife's doctor would tell me that since I am not sleeping well, just take one of these each night at bed time. Millions of people do it everyday. No thanks, just becuase it is the established acceptable way to do something, doesn't mean its the best or only way to do it.

You have every right to make those decisions for yourself, but you don't have the right to make those decisions for your wife.
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Old 02-01-2011, 04:29 AM
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Marlin - she is a lucky woman. I do agree with all those that say there is a line where you begin and she finishes and that you cannot control or mend her and that only she can start her recovery. I admire your loyalty. Too many people (none on SR that I know of) treat marriage as too disposable. If there is a problem - off I go. If it stops working - off I go. I realise only too well that dealing with an adict partner is not easy which is why I think your commitment to your wife and the mother of your children is truly inspiring.

I have a wonderful husband who had helped in my recovery - I could never have even started the process without him. Don't get me wrong - I had to want it too, but without him I am sure I would be dead by now. We had a rocky time but now we are stronger and closer than ever.

I am not saying it will be easy and I am not saying she will suceed - but with you to support her (and I am not saying that you should blindly do this forever) she has the best chance of recovery.

You will be in my thoughts.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:36 AM
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Hi Marlin,

I read your story and strongly identified with your deep concern for your wife and strong plan of action as well as the overwhelming frustration at how difficult it is to effect the needed change.

Welcome to the world of addiction as it is a very complicated illness that not only is destructive to the addict themself but everyone else who loves and cares for that person.

As a recovering codie (co-dependent) who can now look back a little more objectively on my 3 years of battling my husband's addiction to alcohol, cocaine and prescription meds (including the always deadly benzodiazepines and sleep meds) I see where my actions were not always helpful to him and often very unhelpful to myself.

I am glad to hear that you do have support from your family as well as her family. I suggest you get a copy of Debra Jay's book "No More Letting Go". It is excellent and will be a great resource for all involved. I strongly believe in intervention if done properly... this book will help you decide if that is a course of action that will be helpful in your case.

As for your wife... she is in the grips of a deadly, deadly combination of drugs that have changed the way her brain thinks ... her mind and her body have her convinced she needs those prescription meds like you and I need oxygen to breathe. She cannot conceive of surviving life without them... and the detox off of the drugs you have said she is beyond belief. My husband didn't sleep and hallucinated for 18 days detoxing off of alcohol, benzos, sleep meds, baclofen and cocaine after his last relapse. The illegal drug in the group was the only one that wasn't contributing to the horrible and painful detox!

Every drug that contributed to his downful was prescribed and he fully believed that he needed them or his anxiety, depression, sleep disorder would completely debilitate him. He had been on medications for years and years and he completely believed that he could not survive without them.

Today he is completely alcohol and drug free 7 months with no depression, mood swings or sleep disorder. It turns out he was not manic depressive, bipolar, does not have anxiety disorder and all of those symptoms were from his severe alcoholism and he was misdiagnosed.
That being said... there certainly are people that do need medications and I am only sharing our story and not suggesting that anyone discontinue medications without medical advice.

However, pharmaceuticals are one of the biggest and most corrupt industries in the world and they spend billions to convince consumers and doctors to prescribe medications... especially those that are for life. We all desire instant results and to feel better and pills give us that promise. For those suffering from anxiety, depression and sleeplessness there are pills that give relief but come at a great price and often are a temporary bandaid solution.

Your wife is in survival mode and her thinking is going to be motivated along those lines until she has been off of the meds long enough for her brain to heal. Just imagine if you could not trust your own brain to give you accurate information ... that is what your wife is going through right now. Her brain is quite literally broken and not functioning normally. Helping her get to a place where she can think rationally and decide for herself what her future will be is the best you can do for her. Be prepared if she chooses the drugs ... they are that strong and quite frankly evil.

You cannot save her. You can raise the bottom, do an intervention, set boundaries, involve her loved ones and in my case I prayed for a miracle. The miracle came not in my timing and it did not resemble the miracle I had in mind. I put my husband in the street and fully expected to see him next in the morgue...he was 4th stage alcoholic and out of his mind on drugs. He ended up in jail, put himself in rehab (this was important) and he FINISHED the course. 41/2 months in treatment. Then he got out and went to a meeting, finsihed the steps quickly (how soon do you want to get well?) and he has kept recovery first (meetings and actively working the steps including 12).

This may not be a path that will work for your family and your miracle might be entirely different (AA is not the only path) ... or you may not get a miracle at all. This disease does nothing but kill and destroy those who do not stop using. You could do everything under the sun to pave the way for your wife and she may choose the substances over you and her children. They are that powerful and twist the brain that effectively.

You cannot choose for her. You cannot lock her up or force her to stop. You cannot find all of the hidden pills or paraphernalia (I still find stashed empty cans to this day). YOu can join forces with all family members and set boundaries all agree on and if she fails to comply and work towards recovery act on whatever guidelines all of you have agreed upon.

Enough pain changes behavior. To this point she has cleverly avoided detoxing and making the decision to stop all meds and alcohol.

Take care of yourself ... take care of the kids. Detach with love. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:05 AM
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I went to a counselor today. They seemed surprised at how well I presented everything, how well I can keep myself detached yet involved in the situation.
I assured them that I was hurting, or else I wouldn't be there.

I cannot understand why doctors keep prescribing these meds. I don't get it. Do they really not care? Why aren't there lawsuits out the ying yang for the murdering of so many good people. That is how I see it. The docs murdered my wife. Prescriptions are not like alcohol. She did not choose the xanax or the ambien or the lorazepam or the topomax or the lunesta or the vicodin or the darvocette or the perkocette or the valium and so on. She was ordered to take them by doctors. The people we have been trained since children to trust. It would be like a cop robbing you at gun point. I don't understand it. These people murdered my wife, and there is nothing I can do about it?! This isn't one bad doctor, this is a series of doctors from different parts of the country, leading me to believe that the cancer is not local, but extremely widespread.
I have been sending my wife's pseudo psychiatrist the posts from here and links to the various threads about xanax and whatnot. I asked her if she would ever take any of these drugs, or prescribe them to her own children. No response.
I am confronting the hospital director today, the one who started my wife on benzos and ambien a few years ago. I want him to explain how he feels about her murder. How he took a good woman out of my children's life. How he can sleep at night knowing how many countless other lives he has ruined. He wanted to talk on the phone, not a chance. This has to be face to face. I wish I could bring my boys in with me, so it really hits home what he has caused.
Did she swallow the pills on her own, yes, but if you can't trust a doctor, who do you trust. Where do you draw the line? By the time the problem is recognized, it is far too late. Her drinking didn't start until the meds were out of control. This is the doctor's fault 100%. I wish I could actually do something about it.
I want my wife back, I want my family to be whole again, and I doubt either of those things are ever going to happen. I want all of the doctors to have to go through what I am going through. As law enforcement, we have to be pepper sprayed before we are allowed to carry it (security for military, we all go through the training), so that before you use it on someone, you know how bad it is. I think docs should have to go through the same process with meds.

While writing the above post, the hospital director called. He did want to meet face to face. He couldn't explain to me why he kept prescribing ambien and xanax month after month. He said they are not habit forming for a vast majority of the people. BS, that is not what the manufacturer's website says. All he could say was that he understood why I was angry. Probably best that we didn't meet in person. I would have gotten in trouble based on his smug, foreign attitude.

He could never give me a straight answer on why they continue to prescribe the meds,month after month, without any intervention. I told him because of money, there was no real response to that either.

Back to the important part, my wife. She is sober now, and pissed. I talked to her briefly today, she is incredibly angry at me about the pills. I burst her bubble I suppose.

They are going to offer her a 28 day program. They will not commit her. They don't think I can either since she hasn't hurt anyone or herself, nor has she threatened to do so and so does not meet the South Carolina requirements to be held against her will. Being passed out at home is not enough to warrant being committed. When she is sober, she is completely aware, which doesn't help any either. I hope she takes the offer, but most likely, she won't. She is too pissed off to stay there. Let the real drama begin I suppose.
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:37 AM
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Did she swallow the pills on her own, yes, but if you can't trust a doctor, who do you trust. Where do you draw the line? By the time the problem is recognized, it is far too late. Her drinking didn't start until the meds were out of control. This is the doctor's fault 100%. I wish I could actually do something about it.
I'm sorry but I have to disagree with this. We all know very well there's good doctors, there's bad doctors and it's up to US to ASK for information and decide if we're going to take the recommendation from the doctor or not. Whatever happened to "second opinion"? If you don't feel trustworthy to one doctor, why not go to a different one?

I have always asked questions about medications I was prescribed. Even going through battling two cancers and going through chemo, I don't just do everything suggested. When I find out the side effects of the medication I feel "I'll take my chances" without them because of the horroble side effects.

At some point we have to be grown ups and be responsible what we put in our mouth. You can't just say that you trust someone just because they're a doctor. Do you trust all Lawyers are the same?

I chose the hospital that would do surgery on me, not the doctor that initially diagnosed me with the cancer. I went where I felt would be best for me.

Your wife is not a baby. She may be addicted and will need time to recover, but don't try to order her around so much. She'll resent you even more.
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by kiki5711 View Post
I'm sorry but I have to disagree with this. We all know very well there's good doctors, there's bad doctors and it's up to US to ASK for information and decide if we're going to take the recommendation from the doctor or not. Whatever happened to "second opinion"? If you don't feel trustworthy to one doctor, why not go to a different one?
I see your point, but still disagree. The doctors will very rarely be good, for as long as the sums of money involved are so ridiculous. Money corrupts all. Telling me to not trust my doctor and decide for myself is the right decision? I am supposed to argue with 8 years of schooling and so on. I doubt that. Especially in the infantile stages of treatment. Having never experienced anything like this at 20 years old, there was no reason to question the advice of a doctor. By the time the damage is done, the addiction is set, the brain is affected and she is in the full throws of addiction.
As I mentioned before, if your house was on fire, would you shop around for a fire department to figure out if they will best combat the casualty? No, you would trust them to do their jobs. Do you interview the pilot of an airplane before you get on board? Nope, you trust the pilot to do his job. And so on. We are supposed to trust our highly trained, board approved doctors. We take doctors orders. She did get second, third, fourth opinions, but since the system is corrupt, they all gave her the same meds. She was in their office 10 minutes, they gave her the meds, she went about her day. It made her feel better, it made her symptoms go away. She was cured!!! Praise the Lord!! By the time we realized what was really going on, it was far too late, those meds cure nothing, they only mask the real problem, and subsequently create a far more dangerous situation. Why would you prescribe a medicine that doesn't cure anything? It is like giving a child pain killers for a broken arm, but never putting it in a cast. It isn't going to help him, may make him feel better, but certainly not help him.

Address the cause of sleep loss, address the cause of the anxiety, address the cause of the pain. Maybe most times the answer is to suck it up. If you can drive your butt to the doc to begin with, you are probably fine and just need to get over it. As someone mentioned earlier, we are a society of pill poppers and easy answers. We are willing to pay for those pills, and it is a HUGE HUGE HUGE economy of drugs. If you think the docs are out to help people, see what happens if you lowered their salary to 40K a year. See how many doctors stick around. Social workers have a crappy job. They get paid practically nothing, yet have thankless, horrible jobs. That is a person that cares, not some BMW driving fake doctor (psychiatrists are not real doctors)

Could my wife have refused the meds, sure, but when multiple doctors tell you the same thing, and the temptation of an easy solution is dangled "safely" before your eyes, you will always choose the easy route. Even now, the doctor wants to prescribe her more meds, why? They caused all this to begin with. Why not just take away all the chemicals, we are past the dangerous detox stuff, let her sit it out. Instead, he wants to dope her up and send her home. He continues to get paid for her ongoing prescriptions, and has very little risk for liability if she is not at the facility. Seems like a win win for him.
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:18 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Hey Marlin. I hear what you're saying. I'm not a fan of pills and I think there's a ton of corruption.

However, I won't be putting my energy into that. I'll be working on my own problems.

Also, you said in your last paragraph that you're beyond the dangerous detox.

Again, I encourage you to read the xanax thread started by jayscott. There are some heavy duty posts related specifically to xanax and sleeping pills and exactly what the dangerous detox is like.
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:35 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Address the cause of sleep loss, address the cause of the anxiety, address the cause of the pain. Maybe most times the answer is to suck it up. If you can drive your butt to the doc to begin with, you are probably fine and just need to get over it. As someone mentioned earlier, we are a society of pill poppers and easy answers. We are willing to pay for those pills, and it is a HUGE HUGE HUGE economy of drugs.
That was me. "Sucking it up" "no matter what". Well, you know when you're in a battle for years on end, IT wears you out. PHysically, mentally, emotionally.

I refused to go to a psychiatrist and take antidepressants. I thought it's for weak people. But I started braking down. After my husband kept insisting that I should get some help, I finally went.

10 yrs later and more battles with life (family, kids, job) then finally dealing with two cancers I turned to the bottle. Again, I thought I could handle it myself. Again at the insistance of my husband (even after drinking while he was mad at me) I finally took his advice and went to rehab.

I know all too well about the greatest industry on earth. The pharma corp. I cringe every time I see advertisement for "cancer cure". THere's more money in it "NOT to find the cure". One chemo treatment costs from $6,000 to $9,000. I had to go to 12 treatments. If I didn't have insurance under my husband, I'd be "gone" by now. Then all the meds you have to take while on the treatemnt and afterwords. You become their cash cow for life.
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:47 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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K. This is just my opinion.. as ever, take what you want and leave the rest.

The SW put it plainly and succinctly.. your AW is a manipulator (you'll find most of the SO/Family of the people here are/were). It is an art she has perfected over the years. It is finely honed and practiced and is a tool in the armoury of addiction. I say this because, while I think it is right to question the medical practicioners charged with your AW's care, I am not surprised they gave her the pain meds. Having thought about what you have written and what I know having been in the orbit of a master manipulator, I probably would have too. Couple that with the possibility that if they don't respond to a medical need they could have a whole heap of trouble on their hands and they may have been between a rock and a hard place. Who knows, huh?

I'm going to say what comes across to me from your posts. Understand it comes from a place of caring and is in no way designed to hurt or harm you. It is just my take on things.. my ESH, my HO.

You need to stop making excuses for your AW. Say the Dr you refer to did erroneously give her meds, SHE popped them, SHE took them, SHE did this knowing that it was continuing to use a substance for which she was supposed to be getting treatment. Reading your post, I don't see any reference to forcibly and against HER will, being made to do that.. to acquire and take them. That's tough to hear and accept I know. When we're in the middle of the storm as it rages around us and the A minimises the behaviour, we minimise right along with them. We make excuses, right along with them. We look to other people to shoulder blame, right along with them. It is not until we detach, get out of the storm to a quieter place and we start to accept the 3Cs and the A's responsibility and accountability does it become clearer. It's not until we're on the path to recovery, accepting our own mess on our own side of the street and taking the responsibility to deal with it, can we truly see that other people are also primarily responsible for theirs.

I initially railed against the idea that I, by echoing the A's lack of accountability, by ignoring the 'defects of character' (e.g. manipulation) and being, sometimes blindly, on their side standing shoulder to shoulder with them minimising and excusing, was ignorant to the reality of this. It was not until one day I was asked to do a share on a topic.. co-dependency.. did I finally get it. My first draft was awful. I didn't want that label, I didn't want to be defined by it (still hate labels per se).. but I had to accept that, even though I'm not naturally that way.. in THAT situation, I was. I looked at the traits and applied them to my situation.. and what do you know.. they fitted. I had to put my hands up. Mea Culpa. In that circumstance.. I made excuses.

I think, in order to move forward, the 'non-addicted' person needs to stop focussing on what the A is doing, stop focusssing on what you think they need to do to recover, stop focussing on what we percieve as other people's parts in this (their side of the street if you will) and start focussing on our own recovery. That includes asking fearless and searching questions.. of ourselves.

Again, just my ESH/HO. take what you want..

*hugs*

Tx
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:55 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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At eighteen I had my wisdom teeth out. They gave me valium. I LOVED IT.
At eighteen I KNEW, NEVER to take valium or anything like it again.
And I haven't. Even when the doctors prescribed it to me.
Now that I'm in my forties, if they mention it, I tell them not to bother.
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Old 02-01-2011, 01:24 PM
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I have already admitted that I am partially to blame for her problems. A husband and wife are a team, you succeed as a team, you fail as a team. There are no sides to pick within the marriage. M wife does not see this yet, but one day I hope she will. I should have intervened years ago. Our transient lifestyle doesn't help. We have moved 9 times in 14 years of service. (once was before I got married) Being estranged from her family and friends does not help at all. The military is a ****** deal for families, but someone has to do it.

She is filled with hate and resentment toward me. I am ok with that.

What I really would like to see is reform within the medical community. I want the docs to be held accountable, I don't want money, I loath lawsuits for millions of dollars for this type of thing. I am realistic in the idea that although my love for my wife is priceless, it would be ridiculous for me to receive millions in suffering.
That is not what I want.

I want to hear the doctor say "I screwed up, I have been screwing up, and I quit." I want to see it in the papers, psychiatric community admits they have no idea what they are doing and continue doing it only for the money.
I want to save other people from the pain that my children and I are going through.
I want these useless pills removed from GP and psychiatric arsenals. They should be reserved for people that have an actual problem. People that if they did not have these meds, they would be locked up, you have to be that bad in order to need these pills. If you can make it to the doctor's office on your own power, then it must not be that bad.

I had major surgery last November. They broke my top jaw into three pieces, spread it apart, and broke my bottom jaw and moved it forward 5mm. My jaws were wired shut for 10 days. It was excruciating. I only took my perkocette for the first 2 days. After that, I sucked it up. I like to be aware of what is going on around me. My mom told me that my AW tried to take my perkocette, she said if I wasn't going to use it, then she could. My mom flushed em for me. Not all people have the will power to say no to an easy way out.

Back on topic for the advice I need:
My 4 year old thought momma was coming home today. My oldest knows his days of the week, and asked me today if she was coming. I had to choke back tears and tell him no. Ryland, the youngest, immediately flipped out. He wants his mommy. How do I tell him that she isn't coming. I can't lie to him, but he doesn't understand. My 5 year old, Roston, he gets it as much as a 5 year old can get it. He didn't shed a tear. I don't know whats worse, that he wasn't upset, or that the 4 year old is torn by all of this.

I am still doing my best to not say bad things about her in front of them, I try to shelter the phone conversations with friends and family from them, but I know they hear. Their little ears are everywhere. That is the hardest part. I am a grown up, I put myself in this situation. But they do not have a choice. The counselor I talked to today said that there are not a whole lot of options for counseling for the little ones. Best I can do is keep them busy, not lie to them, make them understand that I am there for them no matter what. That at least one thing in their life is constant. The oldest is still doing fine in school, the youngest has been acting up. He hit me this morning for no reason. He is angry I know. I sternly told him that was inappropriate, and he burst into tears. I make sure I do not yell at them, that is what mommy did, I refuse to do that to them. I just don't know what to do. More work for the counselor, she is gonna earn her paycheck with this case.

On a side note, I wonder if I am the only person that posts something, and then reads it like 50 times, analyzing their own thoughts, looking for patterns, causes, things to improve. I like reading my own posts, almost like I am looking into someone else's life. It makes me feel better. I still have a sense of humor, although nothing about this is funny. Life will go on, but damn, it sucks right now.
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