Blogs


Notices

My AW comes home Tuesday, what do I do.

Old 01-31-2011, 10:35 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I know it is easier said than done, and it makes more work for you, more resentment for you, and in the end, you are the one who really changes YOUr life because she cannot put her kids first, BUT, it sounds like you KNOW what you have to do.

Even if she starts on the road to recovery, she sounds in enough denial and still in enough of the addiction cycle that it is going to be a long journey.
In the meantime, perhaps you could take a leave, an extended leave (I may be naive about what is allowed in the military due to family emergency), but, Those boys need to be kept out of danger and harms way.

She has shown that she has bad to no judgement when it comes to them and their safety. The drugs alter her enough that she is sexting strangers.

I also feel like YOU deserve the headspace to unravel. You sound like you are going to crack under the pressure of the resentment.
First step suggested is Alanon.

You have every right to feel this way, but alanon kind of points to the sickness that we non addicts involved with active users get tangled up in. That sickness is anger and resentment, co dependency, overwhelming pressure to pick up the slack.
It SUCKS> I feel for you.
I have a sons dad who left me holding the bag with our 6 year old for the first 5 years of his life.
A is now in sobriety, but he is careless, not too grateful, and it could all crash down at any moment. He is still not that reliable, and he is a projection and transference machine.

She is no longer the woman you married, and she will not be until she is in active long term recovery.
Above all, I hope you find a place, like alanon or a counselor where you can air your frustrations, so they dont eat you up.
You deserve that.

My prayers are with you. Keep looking forward.
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 10:44 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
PS;

I read more...
you said " I should have thrown her out years ago, so I am responsible for the now..."

BINGO. And you can do that now. Forgive yourself. Your only crime was trusting and loving a sick person. NOw move the heck on. SHe will either get well, or ahe will fall further.

Do they teach you in training about the drowning man?
If a man is drowning, and he is in shock, if he is delerious and fighting you, and you are in rough water...Are you to struggle to save that man until he takes you down?
Is there a point in that training where they say, You should let go of a shocked, drowning man, who is resisiting rescue if he is causing you to go down as well?...

At some point you can only help her, you, and you children if you can still swim.
Buffalo66 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Buffalo66 For This Useful Post:
least (01-31-2011), nodaybut2day (01-31-2011), theuncertainty (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 10:53 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by MarlinVX View Post
You did cause this
you can control this
and you can cure this

For what I do in the military, those same three Cs could be used to describe exactly what I am trained to believe, only get rid of the "not" from each statement.
14 years, almost half of my entire life, spent in the Navy. I have spent years training to always be in control, and take responsibilities for our actions. We are very strict in our protocols, and integrity and accountability are huge. Even if it isn't your fault, you get fired if something happens within your realm of responsibility. The Navy fires Captains every day for things they did not even know about, but they are still held accountable(glory would be complete if politicians were the same way). We are also trained to try and fix everything. I am a certified Critical Incident Stress Management counselor, providing counseling to those that are involved in traumatic events. Once again, more training to try and 'fix' the problem. So for me to follow the 3 Cs is damned near impossible. I understand them and what they mean, but they are so distant from my own beliefs...
It is my fault, I should have thrown her out a few years ago, before it got this bad. Since I did not take action then, that makes me partially responsible for the now.
I can fix this, with the right tools, and time, I can fix anything, including her.
I can control everything in my domain. I pay for this entire household, I do ALL of the chores, I take care of the bills, I schedule everything, I help the kids with homework, I am the superman of fathers, working full time in the Navy and supporting my dead beat wife. I am even finishing my degree right now, taking two classes, coaching tee-ball, and so on. I manage to do all these things, and deal with my AW and none are the wiser. When I talked to my boss, he had no idea about my wife, I was that good at keeping it all covered. I asked for the week off while she was in the hospital, he was floored when I told him why. Only people who knew were her parents, my parents, and some of her friends (not the other drunks, they think there is nothing wrong with her)
I was in a similar situation and all I can do is tell you my experience. I was an active duty Army officer for 5 years. I was trained to take control and fix things. I thought I could do the same with my wife. She has no family nearby so I also thought that if I just stopped taking care of her she would end up on the streets. This went on for 5 years and my life got to a point where I was totally miserable. You cannot control anything she does. I think I did my wife a disservice propping her up because she never has been serious about getting better. She has been to MULTIPLE inpaitient and outpatient programs. She is currently inpatient as we speak. I finally decided to file for divorce and let the chips fall where they may. Since I made my decision I feel like the world has lifted off my shoulders. No matter what, she will do what she wants and the only person I can control is myself. It took me a long time to learn this. Just my 2 cents.
jrlcpl is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jrlcpl For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (01-31-2011), desertgirl (01-31-2011), reefbreakbda (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 10:56 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Goose Creek, SC
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
PS;

I read more...
you said " I should have thrown her out years ago, so I am responsible for the now..."

BINGO. And you can do that now. Forgive yourself. Your only crime was trusting and loving a sick person. NOw move the heck on. SHe will either get well, or ahe will fall further.

Do they teach you in training about the drowning man?
If a man is drowning, and he is in shock, if he is delerious and fighting you, and you are in rough water...Are you to struggle to save that man until he takes you down?
Is there a point in that training where they say, You should let go of a shocked, drowning man, who is resisiting rescue if he is causing you to go down as well?...

At some point you can only help her, you, and you children if you can still swim.
Well put. Very well put.
I think I am going to stick to my guns on this one, if she screws up, skips meetings, drinks, whatnot, she is out. I just don't know how to legally kick her out. Not sure that I can in SC. The south is weird about stuff like that. I know in VA, the man has to leave, but I still have to pay for her stuff. Our country is so jacked up with regards to that sort of thing. It is my money, I make it, not her, yet somehow I know she will end up with a huge chunk of it. I make too much money for her to end up paying me child support, with some bleeding heart judge, I will have the kids, and have to pay HER alimony.
MarlinVX is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 11:29 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hello Marlin.
Welcome to SR. There are several of us with AWs. I can't directly offer you anything that hasn't already been written above, other than good luck.

I hate the pain it causes me but I hate it even more when my son has to deal with my AW.
Shellcrusher is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 11:41 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Another thing to consider, Marlin, is that it does not mean forever.
She will hit her bottom in her time, or not, but you can make the choice to scramble back to land and build a nice safe shelter for your sons and you.

I dont know what your Higher Power/universe concept is, but HP will help you if you help yourself to dry land (so to speak). You will know what to do because these choices to feed your positive life will bring you energy, releif, and, most importantly, clarity.

I had to put my A out. Many times, he hit bottom when I put him into the system, stopped paying his way out of his messes, and his family(however feebily) backed me up. It sounds like you have an ally in the Walgreens management. These actions will weigh on her, but only if others do not feel the pain for her, buffer the blow for her. If it gets painful enough, she will help herself. Perhaps not being a part of the family will be a shocker for her, maybe be painful enough for her...but try not to take the action in order to affect that result. Keep your eyes on the goal: getting yourself and your sons back to stability and clarity. She will either fall in somehow, or she will keep on her course until she does.

Good Luck. You are a good dad.
Buffalo66 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Buffalo66 For This Useful Post:
least (01-31-2011), MarlinVX (01-31-2011), theuncertainty (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 12:14 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,605
Blog Entries: 8
Originally Posted by MarlinVX View Post
I just don't know how to legally kick her out. Not sure that I can in SC. The south is weird about stuff like that.
Hi Marlin,

Sorry to hear about all that you are going through right now. I just thought I would share a bit about what Mr. HG had to do about getting his AS out of the house (we also live in SC).

I would imagine you would have to file for legal separation first, but we had to provide his son with an eviction notice giving him 30 days. It might be something along those lines with a spouse, but a local attorney would be able to provide you with more information.

Good luck to you!

Best,
HG
Seren is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 12:16 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Goose Creek, SC
Posts: 44
Thanks guys (and girls, guys is just a word...lol)
I have all of my questions and concerns written down to talk to the docs about. I have researched the meds, talked to others that have gone through similar things.
I have the rules I want her to follow set aside, but not sure when to present them. She is so doped up right now at the hospital, I want to make sure she can understand and remember my rules. It would hardly be fair if she didn't even understand what was going on.
I so badly want this to work, for there never to have to be a rock bottom for her. For her to be the way she was before the doctors effed her all up. I want my kids to have the chance to see her the way she actually is, not just the undependable psycho she is when under the influence. I have all of her doctors roped in now, I have built quite the house of cards at this point. One card fails, the whole thing tumbles down. A long shot, but I also know there are world records for houses of cards, so there is a chance, and if it is possible, I will make it happen.
Once again, I do know the realities of all this, but not all stories can end poorly, much like miracles, for every miracle, thousands of bad things happen, so the same can be said for the thousands of stories on here that wind up bad, there has to be some that work out well.
I do not believe in any HP, it leaves too much room to not accept responsibility for the good or the bad. I hate the cliche sports star that thanks God for his ability to run fast, like God had anything to do with that. Yet if someone mentions God being responsible for the infant that was left in the backseat of Grandma's car to bake in the summer, folks get all up in arms.
No, I have been around the world too many times, seen too many things, been to too many churches, I have faith in myself, and I take responsibility for my actions, the good and the bad. I chose them, no false sense of free choice...sorry, rant off.
My heart is beating like 200bpm in nervousness for our meeting. Funny, I can take actions in a power plant with guys from DC watching me without even thinking twice, but going to see my wife and a social worker scares the scrap out of me. Its the fear of this not working.
Well, bring it on, lets get it over with. I will post up the results this evening.

Sorry these posts are so long, maybe someone actually reads them and may relate to them, but it is mostly for me. I don't really have any close friends to talk to, never really have, so it has nothing to do with the wife. I am a Cancer through and through. But talking to a 5 and 4 year old gets old after a bit, at least on here, I can put together my thoughts, write em down, read em myself after I post them, and maybe get feedback from others with alternative points of view. A grounding so to speak.
MarlinVX is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MarlinVX For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (02-03-2011), theuncertainty (01-31-2011), wicked (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 12:22 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
We read them. Sometimes to stay up on you and sometimes to stay up on ourselves but we read threads. Even the longs ones.

Good luck with your meeting. Go find the xanax thread started by jayscott. Somewhere in there a link is given to another thread on this site and it gives us an inside look at some of these pills you say your AW is addicted to.

Found the link See the second page.
Shellcrusher is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Shellcrusher For This Useful Post:
theuncertainty (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 12:24 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Goose Creek, SC
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post
Hi Marlin,

Sorry to hear about all that you are going through right now. I just thought I would share a bit about what Mr. HG had to do about getting his AS out of the house (we also live in SC).

I would imagine you would have to file for legal separation first, but we had to provide his son with an eviction notice giving him 30 days. It might be something along those lines with a spouse, but a local attorney would be able to provide you with more information.

Good luck to you!

Best,
HG
Another major flaw in the system, can't do anything without a lawyer and that costs an arm and a leg. It would take all of my savings to get a lawyer to take care of all this. More stress to fuel the fire. What a crock our society has become. Lawyers can jump in the same lake as the doctors, once again, they are no different than all the other panhandlers and money grubbers. Pitch in all the real estate agents, car salesmen and pharmaceutical reps, you will have one helluva a party!!!


cynical switch off now
MarlinVX is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MarlinVX For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (02-03-2011), Learn2Live (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 12:25 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I truly hope your meeting tonight goes the way you want...and yet, try to remember that you do not control the outcome.

I would really consult a lawyer or three, and get some geographically relevant legal advice. Getting information doesn't commit you to any particular course of action, but at least you'll know what options you have with regards to custody and use of the house.

No worries...we're all here reading your post, cheering you on, and, if you don't mind, praying for you.
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 12:30 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Just a word with regards to lawyers...you CAN consult a lawyer, free of charge, usually over the phone, for a set amount of time. You just need to call the Bar Association in your area and find a family law lawyer willing to do a free consultation. It might take some time to make those calls, but it'll be free.

Also, it is possible to work with a junior lawyer who has a lower hourly rate and still be well represented. You just need to do some of the legwork yourself. My second lawyer (fired the first one) cost me 140$ for the initial consultation, which was LONG and very detailed. I brought a stack of paperwork and questions in point form. I'm very glad I paid for that consultation.

Afterwards, I forked out 1K for the retainer. Her rate was 140$ an hour, which is very reasonable, and she was available to answer questions at all times, which I appreciated. All in, my divorce cost me $2,700, mostly due to an error at the courthouse whereby my file was lost. Aside from that, it was pretty "cheap".

All that to say, it IS possible to be legally represented and not lose the shirt off your back. And in the end, that money is buying you a nice chunk of serenity...to me, that's worth it.

Last edited by nodaybut2day; 01-31-2011 at 12:33 PM. Reason: forgot something
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 01:00 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
There you have it.
$2700 for some peace of mind. I'd pay it too.

Here's the deal man. Don't get stuck on the soap box. I don't like lawyers anymore than the next person but I will certainly pay the fee. I've personally been researching lawyers that specialize in fighting for men. It's sexist, sure, but I need someone who works only on finding the best outcome for children and their fathers.

I have a feeling that if you play the "to hell with all lawyers", card then you will be left with very little compared to what your wife gets and I'm not talking about finances here. I'm talking about your kids.
Shellcrusher is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Shellcrusher For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (01-31-2011), Learn2Live (01-31-2011), theuncertainty (01-31-2011), wicked (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 01:13 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
I've personally been researching lawyers that specialize in fighting for men. It's sexist, sure, but I need someone who works only on finding the best outcome for children and their fathers.
Having just witnessed my BF go through this, and having tried to find him SOMEONE who could or would help him, I'd say you're pretty smart for doing this. Sexist? Well, it's a sexist system, no two ways about it. In this country, fathers have NO RIGHTS and the cards are stacked against them. That is why I am so glad to see so many men on this website. Because as more and more men stand up and speak out to provide testimony that THEY are primary caregivers too, that they are married to abusive, alcoholic, and otherwise dysfunctional WOMEN, this society will slowly begin to see the TRUTH and we will begin to see gradual change in Family Law. At least that is my hope. So, thank you all you men for standing up and having the courage to speak out against what you are faced with every day.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (01-31-2011), Shellcrusher (01-31-2011), wicked (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 01:22 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 49
Even if you are not sure what you want to do, like people have said you can consult a lawyer for free. That's what I did just to see what my options were and what I would be facing. The lawyer I consulted is very good and was straight up...he said he has seen alcohol destroy many marriages and you need to protect yourself. To give you an idea he charges $300/hour and a $2500 retainer. A little pricey, but in line with my area. Also if you can work out an agreement with your spouse it will cost a lot less. Just FYI.

You are facing a lot right now and I would not make any huge decisions in the heat of the moment. I thought about things a long time before I made any decisions. Just remember the most important thing is protecting yourself and your kids.
jrlcpl is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 02:20 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Blog Entries: 2
*scrambles out of the lake, having used an estate agent as a boost* I'm a lawyer. Don't shoot!

I'm in the UK so different systems as it were, but if the US is anything like here, most lawyers offer an initial free interview/consult.. it might be worth calling around and seeing if anyone near you offers the same. Also, maybe do some investigative work and see if there are any organisations that offer free advice/pro bono (?).

I have no experience of your particular situation, but like you, I am the 'fixer' in my profession. People come to me and I take care of their needs: they have an issue, I solve it, I advise, they place reliance on me. This does not prepare you for life with someone with an addiction. I too thought, in my ignorance I suppose, that there was nothing I couldn't fix about my relationship with my ex. It was hard to swallow some of the advice here and at Al-anon, because after all, I was a capable resourceful and determined woman! I was wrong. It is nothing like you have ever experienced before. In the workplace I was dealing with level-headed, rational, thoughtful people.. at home I was dealing with the opposite and no amount of intelligence, stoicism or pure determination was going to shift that stubborn mule.

I agree with the analogy of the drowning man, it's an excellent metaphor. By all means try to save her, if that is what in your heart and mind you want/need to do, but educate yourself and put a network around you of people whose counsel you trust so that (if/when it comes to it) you can swim to the shore safely.

Welcome to SR

Tx
tallulah is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to tallulah For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (01-31-2011), Shellcrusher (01-31-2011), theuncertainty (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 02:55 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Blog Entries: 8
Originally Posted by MarlinVX View Post
It is my money, I make it, not her, yet somehow I know she will end up with a huge chunk of it. I make too much money for her to end up paying me child support, with some bleeding heart judge, I will have the kids, and have to pay HER alimony.
But... You will have the kids. More importantly, your kids will have you.

Please remember to take care of yourself through all of this. Wishing you peace and continued strength.
theuncertainty is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to theuncertainty For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (01-31-2011)
Old 01-31-2011, 04:12 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 53
When we love someone and feel we have a duty to look after them, it seems wrong to say no and do "tough love". They've also set that framework up for themselves, of course.

The first time I said "NO" in any kind of real way, once I realised I was enabling my AW, i felt like I might as well have stabbed her, I felt so bad.

Shortly after I realised I had done the right thing, for me, but also for her. It actually worked out.

That gave me the confidence to take a stand again and again. It was amazing that i realised I was helping her but taking that tough stand, and yes, in a way I had done her and my kids a disservice by not doing it sooner.

You will know you are moving forward when you stop obsessing about what she has been taking and wher she hides it. after the obvioud things like safety of kids, you will just examine what roll you are playing and if your reactions are counterproductive to her finding her bottom and getting help.

It seems they all have to hit bottom and most of us have a hard time lowering them in there.
reefbreakbda is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 06:16 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2
Marlin,

It sounds like she is not ready to start her recovery. It doesnt matter if she is in rehab or not, if she isnt ready...she wont realize the denial she is in. She has to realize this first and THEN learn how to stay clean from her addictions. All I can say is look out for you and the kids...only worry about what you can control...
SunshineRay is offline  
Old 01-31-2011, 07:49 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
and one more thing...

...there are rules and there are boundaries. Rules exist when one person or group is controlling another person or group in order to establish control.

Boundaries are definitions of what you as a person will not accept. They have nothing to do with controlling the behavior of others, and everything to do with controlling how you choose to live and interact with others. They are also meaningless unless they are enforced.

I would strongly encourage you to set and enforce the boundaries you need to live. I would strongly encourage you to avoid "rules" at any cost. Many would argue this is an issue of semantics. I caution you it is anything but.

From one many whose wife came home from treatment to another, take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. Someday I'll publish my list of mistakes in dealing with my wife and the disease of alcoholism. I'm just not ready to publish something the size of War and Peace at this time.
Cyranoak is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Cyranoak For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (02-03-2011), MarlinVX (01-31-2011), StarCat (02-01-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:21 PM.