Depression Downward Spiral

Old 01-30-2011, 12:39 PM
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Depression Downward Spiral

I don't know what's wrong with me - I guess I'm just depressed. I was feeling so well and doing so well. But the past few weeks I've just gotten bored. For the first few months I was enjoying the peace and getting to do the things I wanted to do but wasn't "allowed." Then I focused on getting into the gym more, my appearance and things. I went online to meetup to try to find a few social groups. Unfortunately a lot of them aren't meeting very much...I think it's just they are getting into the new year. But the past few weeks, enjoying all the peace and serenity has kind of worn off and I"m just flat out bored.

This weekend was rough. Yesterday I just felt really depressed and messed up. I feel so alone. I've always been a bit of a loner and had a hard time making friends partially because I've never been into clubbing and staying out all night. I work on computers for a living and am introverted by nature, so I have a hard time finding where I fit in. I joined an improv class and dropped it because it was too much for me.

I bought a new townhouse last week and am really getting my life in order. I should be stoked. But even when I stopped by the townhouse today to take pictures of all the decor (I bought the model with all the upgrades) I felt blah and was thinking, "What's it matter" and "why bother being happy." What's happening to me? How can I snap out of it?

Anyone go through a phase like this? What did you do for yourself?
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Old 01-30-2011, 12:55 PM
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A work in progress
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I think it just takes time to adjust, and to heal. Not to mention it's the middle of winter--I always get the blahs this time of year. Even Florida's had sort of a sucky winter from what I hear.

Go easy on yourself, and don't expect to be all better overnight. It WILL get better, promise.

How about finding a group activity that is less intense than improv? Maybe volunteer work? It would get you out and around other people without so much pressure.
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Old 01-30-2011, 02:16 PM
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Ditto Lexie.
After I left my AH, I was hyper-focused on logistics. It took me six months to get to the point where I even allowed my emotions to surface again (and that was going to almost daily Al-Anon meetings and working with two different counselors...).

I'm a bit where you are right now. I'm having trouble sleeping; I wake up with anxiety attacks at night; I have a hard time motivating myself to get out of bed in the morning.

What helps me is taking one day at a time, or, at times, 15 minutes at a time. When I feel like utter cr**, I allow myself to do that. I cry when I need to, stew when I need to, and kickbox when I need to get aggressions out. The important thing, I keep reminding myself, is this: I haven't always felt this way. I will not always feel this way. But right now, I feel sad and hopeless. OK. I feel sad and hopeless. Those are feelings. That's all they are. I don't have to base my decisions on them, I don't have to wallow in them. I can say, "I feel sad and hopeless today" and still put one foot in front of the other and do the things I don't feel like doing. Because they're just feelings. I am not my feelings. I just have feelings. So I can let them hang out for a while, knowing that they're just visitors and that they will leave. Sort of like the annoying aunt who checks if you've dusted the tops of the doorframes every time she comes to visit. While she's there, you're not enjoying it, but you also put up with her because you know she's going to leave.

Hugs to you!!!
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Old 01-30-2011, 02:19 PM
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I go through it a lot in my life. I also suffer from clinical depression and work hard to fight those feelings back. It is hard.. trust me but I have lots of tools in my goodie bag to help me! Exercise, pampering myself, reaching out to those I trust, even going for a simple walk can change my mood greatly.

Sounds like lots of new changes and even good changes, believe it or not, can depress us.

Be kind to yourself, spoil yourself rotten even.

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Old 01-30-2011, 02:35 PM
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I have a hard time motivating myself to get out of bed in the morning.
That pretty much defines my weekend.

I'm going to look into taking some bowling lessons or pool lessons. Something that will get me out and maybe join a league so I can meet people. I was doing so well, I think because I was working out 3-4 days a week and getting tone, but when the cold snap came back I stayed in and got off track.
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:38 PM
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Today is a New Day
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I think I've gone to work on time once this whole year.

Fortunately my manager is so impressed at how "on top of things" I am now that he hasn't noticed that I'm always late.
I am not babysitting a grown (I almost typed "groan" ) man while trying to accomplish everything else, so staying "on top of things" is very easy now.

I am still trying to figure out the things that I like. I don't have any activities at all planned yet, although my psychologist keeps pushing me to start practicing my instruments and join some band nearby. I am not sure if I want to, but practicing can't hurt - yet they're still in the back of my closet gathering dust.

I got a massage today, which felt like it lifted a million pounds off my shoulders, I did not realize how much tension I had! A neighbor loaned me two movies, I already watched one, and had a blast. I did go to see "The Dilemma" with some of my neighbors last week as well, and went to dinner afterward, which felt great.

I also let myself cry whenever I feel I need to. (In work sometimes I'll excuse myself to the bathroom, although I can do it at my desk most times of day.) I'm still a bit sluggish in the mornings, but I have been doing better the rest of the day.
I did agree to only see my psychologist every other week this time around, and see what happened. I am going to tell him when I see him next week that I don't feel ready for that yet, because right now that extra boost of confidence after seeing him helps more than I realized. But I'm still glad I skipped this week, because now I know just how much it helps.

Sometimes it just takes awhile for things to register, for the weight to lift off my shoulders, for me to realize that everything is going to be okay even though it feels like the end of the world when I think about what I've just been through.
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:57 PM
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I am still trying to figure out the things that I like.
StarCat, I can relate to this. I think I'm still in a stage of trying to sort through what I like doing and what I did because of him.

Like -- I like working out and staying in shape. But towards the end of my marriage, my working out wasn't because I liked it, but because if I gained even an ounce of weight, he would complain about how fat I was. So now I'm having a hard time finding the joy in my workouts, because they're connected in my mind to my desperate trying to stay skinny to please him.

I think these things take time. And we don't have to be in a hurry.
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Old 01-30-2011, 06:25 PM
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Hi GG,
I think it's perfectly normal to have ups and downs during healing time. I know I do anyway. When I'm feeling depressed, I keep busy. I don't really have a choice anyway raising five kids on my own (although sometimes that in itself exacerbates my depression).

When I make/have time for myself, it's taking a walk, having a coffee with a friend. All the best GG.
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