It just gets worse....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
It just gets worse....
In reading this book, Lundy Bancroft says the abuser has a distorted sense of entitlement.
I have just put 2 and 2 together.
I have a 19 year old daughter who did not live with me when I initially married AH. We saw her together on several occasions. She, nor i, nor anyone around, us felt there was EVER, not even the slightest, sense of sexual temptation, thought, atmosphere, or anything else, when he was around her during these visits.
A year and a half into the marriage, she moved in with us. The dynamic changed immediately. He began to touch her in ways that made me raise my eyebrows and her uncomfortable. I began to watch very closely and called him out on his behavior each time. It was a constant battle of him trying to convince me I was crazy jealous and had imagined these things, and me trying to help him see his sickness...I thought he was a sex addict at one point.....
I NEVER left him alone with her. If I left the house, I informed her and told her to call me if he showed up unexpectedly and to lock the lock we put on her door.
He took a sledge hammer and busted her door in because it had a lock on it and this was his house. He had "rights" to everywhere in it.
On several other occasions, he told me flat out he had "rights" to everything in this house. This is his distorted sense of entitlement.
This would explain why there was no indication of sexual attitude before she came to live with us.
The book also says he wont do anything HE views as morally reprehensible. She was not his daughter. So, in his mind, there was no evil in what he was doing. That mixed with his sense of entitlement......
Two days before I left, he told me he was going to bid on a shift that had the same days off she does. She works overnight so on her nights off she is usually up all night messing around the house. He stays up all night drinking on his nights off.
He was finding ways to be alone with her. Trying to send me off to do things, which I NEVER fell for, thank God. I was going without sleep and sometimes simply could not stay awake. Thankfully, at that time they opposite days off so he had to go to bed for work. He was diligent in that.
But by him switching his shift, he would have time with her.
He had broken me at this point, truly broken me. He was moving slowly toward making a sexual encounter with her happen. One little move at a time, all the while convincing me, I was plain ole crazy. Had I not got us out of there........
I think that is why I lost it that weekend. Beneath the surface, I saw it happening and noone was going to touch my baby. I had protected her for too many years..... I couldn't convince myself I wasn't crazy. I doubted every doubt I had.
I couldn't believe it...that would mean I had to leave...I couldn't admit it to myself consciously...I would lose this fantasy I had built in my mind...how happy we were in it.........
In the end, I lost it...my statement was I can't take anymore not he is fixing to hurt my baby..
Today I know beyond a doubt, my husband was going to defile my baby.
I am sick to my stomach........
I have just put 2 and 2 together.
I have a 19 year old daughter who did not live with me when I initially married AH. We saw her together on several occasions. She, nor i, nor anyone around, us felt there was EVER, not even the slightest, sense of sexual temptation, thought, atmosphere, or anything else, when he was around her during these visits.
A year and a half into the marriage, she moved in with us. The dynamic changed immediately. He began to touch her in ways that made me raise my eyebrows and her uncomfortable. I began to watch very closely and called him out on his behavior each time. It was a constant battle of him trying to convince me I was crazy jealous and had imagined these things, and me trying to help him see his sickness...I thought he was a sex addict at one point.....
I NEVER left him alone with her. If I left the house, I informed her and told her to call me if he showed up unexpectedly and to lock the lock we put on her door.
He took a sledge hammer and busted her door in because it had a lock on it and this was his house. He had "rights" to everywhere in it.
On several other occasions, he told me flat out he had "rights" to everything in this house. This is his distorted sense of entitlement.
This would explain why there was no indication of sexual attitude before she came to live with us.
The book also says he wont do anything HE views as morally reprehensible. She was not his daughter. So, in his mind, there was no evil in what he was doing. That mixed with his sense of entitlement......
Two days before I left, he told me he was going to bid on a shift that had the same days off she does. She works overnight so on her nights off she is usually up all night messing around the house. He stays up all night drinking on his nights off.
He was finding ways to be alone with her. Trying to send me off to do things, which I NEVER fell for, thank God. I was going without sleep and sometimes simply could not stay awake. Thankfully, at that time they opposite days off so he had to go to bed for work. He was diligent in that.
But by him switching his shift, he would have time with her.
He had broken me at this point, truly broken me. He was moving slowly toward making a sexual encounter with her happen. One little move at a time, all the while convincing me, I was plain ole crazy. Had I not got us out of there........
I think that is why I lost it that weekend. Beneath the surface, I saw it happening and noone was going to touch my baby. I had protected her for too many years..... I couldn't convince myself I wasn't crazy. I doubted every doubt I had.
I couldn't believe it...that would mean I had to leave...I couldn't admit it to myself consciously...I would lose this fantasy I had built in my mind...how happy we were in it.........
In the end, I lost it...my statement was I can't take anymore not he is fixing to hurt my baby..
Today I know beyond a doubt, my husband was going to defile my baby.
I am sick to my stomach........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 39
The pain of leaving in no way touches the pain of admitting to ourselves what we lived through and exposed our children to. At least, that is the way I feel. The guilt and self blame is enormous. BUT...YOU GOT OUT. You made the right choice. The guilt has no purpose now. I am sorry you are having to deal with this realization, but proud of you for working on yourself and looking with honesty at the life you had.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
(((hugs))) PassionFruit. Is there someone in the community you can talk to about these things you are working through? Like going to AlAnon or other support group, a counselor, a physician, or clergy person? I think it is really important for you to have in-person support while you discover and work through these things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I RESPECT the heck out of you. You are one assertive woman. We often don't look at how assertive we ARE, instead choosing to look at all the things we did wrong. You protected your child and protected yourself from further misery and pain. You taught your daughter a valuable lesson about VALUE - yours and hers over someone else's. That makes you a great Mother in my eyes. First class, to be exact. You have my admiration.
Take good care!
T
Take good care!
T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 94
OMG! I was getting more and more horrorfied as I was reading your post!
Alcoholism is one thing but what you are talking about is a whole other ball of wax!
My heart goes out to you.... What an absolute tragedy that you had the misfortune to meet this vile man who would stop at nothing to abuse you and your precious child physically and sexually.
Even if this man never picked up another drink again, I doubt that other side of him would ever change - the drink just fuelled those urges that was in him.
I DO hope you get to show that tape one day to the proper authorities - this man belongs in jail and I hope to god he stays there so he can never hurt another woman again!
This has brought me to tears for you
But you are out of it now!!! You protected yourself and your daughter and you went to a very dark place and admitted something that was probably gnawing at you for a loooong time. Thats not easy. I admire you so much! Keep being strong!!
Alcoholism is one thing but what you are talking about is a whole other ball of wax!
My heart goes out to you.... What an absolute tragedy that you had the misfortune to meet this vile man who would stop at nothing to abuse you and your precious child physically and sexually.
Even if this man never picked up another drink again, I doubt that other side of him would ever change - the drink just fuelled those urges that was in him.
I DO hope you get to show that tape one day to the proper authorities - this man belongs in jail and I hope to god he stays there so he can never hurt another woman again!
This has brought me to tears for you
But you are out of it now!!! You protected yourself and your daughter and you went to a very dark place and admitted something that was probably gnawing at you for a loooong time. Thats not easy. I admire you so much! Keep being strong!!
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