whereisthisgoin

My AH and I have been discussing divorce. This week we have a session together with his counselor. My AH is adamant that I'm not doing enough to support him as he is so proud of his controlled drinking. Me, I'm not impressed. I know where his stash is and he openly admits he ramps up his drinking when on business trips. That shows he's only doing controlled drinking for us - he is not with the program. We have a teenage son.

HELP ME stick to my guns during this meeting. My stand is that he needs rehab and sobriety in order for this marriage and family to work. Give me your stories, your quotes, anything to make me stand my ground that his continued (controlled, hah!) drinking is not a cutting it.

Is there a way I can say that and not come off as a complete b!tch - and do I even care?!

The question I hate the most is, "What is it going to take for you to come back to sleeping in the bedroom." That, along with, "Why won't you even spend time with me - why can't I at least touch your shoulder or give you a kiss?"

I love the man, of course I do - which is what makes it difficult. It's tough to be looking at losing half your money and some (undefined at this point) time with your son and becoming a single mom of a teenager.

I know my position is the correct one - I just need help being strong during the meeting. I am a little on the quiet, non-confrontational side! Thanks.

goldengirl3

What I said, "I finally realized that a relationship just cannot work when alcohol is involved. I do care about you, but I just cannot be around the drinking. The relationship is never going to work unless we are both sober." (I was drinking too) Then it turned into, "I cannot be friends with you as long as your are drinking. I'm working to stay sober and it hurts me too much to see you doing this to yourself." I tried to keep my statements on my side of the fence as much as I could. He was still mad of course.

Learn2Live

First, why are you going to have a session with HIS counselor? Whose idea was this? Is this something you WANT to do?

It is not your job to support him in this. This is what we have AA and counselors for.

His Recovery is not your business, it is HIS entirely. Just as your Recovery is none of HIS business.

If it were me, I wouldn't go and I would not tell someone else what THEY need for their own Recovery.

Doubtful. And I don't know, do you care? I personally already have enough on my plate to be going to OTHER people's psychiatric appointments to talk. IMO, the fact that he wants you to go just tells me he is still not taking responsibility for his behavior and his choices and wants to continue to use you as the scapegoat. Just my opinion.

Yech. Um, maybe the answer is, "Because I don't WANT to."

bodychek

My ex-wife had to find out what her boundaries were and stick to them. Unfortunately she could no longer live with me in my disease and she felt she needed to get on with her life and the lives of our 2 young children. I would not, could not, get sober because she wanted or needed me to. I had to reach my own point where i needed and wanted to get better. I will always live with the loss of my wife but she did what she needed to do.

That's the only advice I can give you, find your boundaries, find what you can live with and cant live with then be true to yourself and stick to them. The threat of losing you will hopefuly take him to his place where he can seek real change, however you need to live your life if it doesnt. You owe it to yourself and your child.

LexieCat

I second L2L's questions--why do you have to go to this meeting? If you aren't OK with his drinking, you really don't have to justify or explain it beyond that. "Your drinking is unacceptable to me." Period.

Anything else becomes grounds for dragging out the "negotiations" and endless rounds of pointless justifications and accusations from him.

If you have had enough, you have had enough. That's all you need to say.

JenT1968

early on in my relationship with now ex, when I first raised the problems I had with his drinking, all I wanted was him to moderate his drinking, he promised to and all would have been well if he had. It never was though, it was always lies. At the end I realised that in order for me to live with this man anymore, he would have to stop drinking completely. That is not interfering in someones recovery it is a personal boundary, borne from repeated pretences at controlled drinking where he couldn't be bothered to hide it for very long.

If I confronted him with evidence of his pretence he just shifted to a new way of hiding it.

he isn't recovering, he is drinking, pretending to control it and lying to you about drinking in secret. but what do you do with that information? if you go to his counsellor what would be your objective? you can't support him in his controlled drinking because a) it's a big fat lie and b) you don't want to live with him drinking at all. and that's perfectly reasonable whether he, his counsellor on any body else on the face of the planet agrees, becasue it's a boundary about your life. do you think going there would get the counsellor to help him see the light? might be worth a shot, but he might say all the right things and just find a better hiding place, my ex did repeatedly, and I was stuck waiting again, going a little madder knowing he was drinking more than he said but needing to find out how he was doing it.

Bolina

Are you done? Because I know when I was fully cooked that nothing he could do could change a thing and talking was hopeless. If you are not at that stage, then I would suggest that it is not up to you to think up solutions to his problems. For example, if one of his problems is that he is not getting enough sex, then he needs to think up ways to become sexier. Nagging is not the greatest seduction technique.

Btw, he sounds like a ticking time-bomb. I don't blame you for being reluctant to proceed on the basis he wishes. You know, you can always get remarried down the line if it is not working for you now and you wish to revisit in the future? I just read about a couple who have remarried 50odd years after they divorced.

nodaybut2day

I, like L2L, don't quite understand why you need to meet with your AH and his counsellor...can you elaborate on this point? To me, it sounds like a situation designed to entrap you.

If however, you two are in mediation, I can understand. In that case, I would have all points written out in point form, with sub-points clearly written out as well. If it helps you, write down the questions you think he will ask and what you want to answer.

In situations where you are unsure of your resolve, I recommend writing things down and following "your script". Whatever you're not comfortable talking about, I would have a stock answer such as "I am not ready to discuss this point at this time, but I will write it down and get back to you".

sheila84

Imagine if at the alter you knew you were marrying into alcoholism and the sadness and pain it would cause in your life. Would you still have said yes? Or would you have run the other way? My advice is to picture it like that- black and white, yes or no. No special circumstances. We all want the fairy tale ending, I know I do. I hope my own husband will realize he has a problem (he's still in denial), and decide to change. I think the happy ending is still possible, but it's in our own heart and soul.

lillamy

(((hugs)))
My RAXH talked me into going to a meeting with his counselor, to help him with his recovery, to help him understand what he had done wrong in our marriage.

I said "yes" because that's what I've done for 20 years when he's asked something of me. And then I promptly went on to having a full-on panic attack and called my counselor. And he said pretty much exactly what L2L said.

I understand where you're coming from. Just know that you have no obligation to go. That was what I needed to hear from my counselor: I needed permission to say no. I needed permission to say "your drinking is not my problem."