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Old 01-30-2011, 01:03 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Contact or no contact.. to me it is about regaining control of yourself and your sanity.

You do what feels right to YOU and don't beat yourself up over it.

Seriously. If we sit ruminating on what we did, or didnt do, should have's or could haves, even with NO contact, that person is still in our heads and controlling us.

If you want to send a card, send it! But because it makes YOU feel better.

It is easy to think that we know the motives and can predict the actions of others but we can't. Even actions that are repititions (like lying). He hurt you bigtime. Unless he is truly in recovery (a lonng process) you know that he most likely will hurt you again. That is all you do know. Remind yourself of that.

Cards, no contact, contact, they are all distractions from having us focus on ourselves and getting back control. If you feel in control, whatever you do or he does or say, won't affect you.

You are doing ok! Trust me. Better than you think
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:50 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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He didn't manipulate his sister into calling me, I do know that. We were actually growing close while he was in rehab, because I learned all the lies he told me about her aren't true. (He can't stand her, he thinks she's mean and heartless. She can't stand being around him, she thinks he's a self-centered alcoholic. I agree with her side of the story.)

And thank you, Babyblue, for your post especially. I did buy him something for his birthday. Amazon is going to deliver "Under the Influence" to his house, nicely gift wrapped, with no card. And he is going to never read it, and he is going to suspect it is from me but not be able to prove it, and he will probably give it away to some other poor soul (because he gives everything away).
So - someone who actually wants the help will get a copy of a really good book they may have never known to look for, and I feel good because I got him something. It's a win-win, as far as I'm concerned - it's just that XABF won't be on one of the winning sides, but that will be by his choice.
I am okay with that.

I spoke with XABF's sister again today. We had a great conversation about her daughter's new condominium. The previous owners left it a complete mess, so they are completely redecorating. I offered to help next week, because I think it would be fun, and I've always wondered what those condominiums looked like. I also told her about Peaches, and she was genuinely excited for me.
I will not talk to her often, but every once in awhile it is good to have a conversation with someone who understands both sides of the story. She agrees with me about a lot of things regarding XABF (the only one in the family who actually understands what I'm going through - I suspect her husband's drinking is a large part of that, but I do not live her life so I don't know).

I do feel bad that my relationship with XABF degraded so much that I can't find the truths hidden in his lies anymore. I do acknowledge that none of that is my doing, because I was not the drunken, ranting, raving mess lying to me. I do sincerely wish him the best, and I have recently added him back to my prayers, and I know that nothing I ever say or do will get him to get the help he needs. I am not his keeper anymore - I never should have been in the first place.

I do not regret learning that the car accident was not a lie. While it hurt a lot at first, and ripped open some old wounds I had been trying to ignore, it also forced me to come face to face with some things from the past I had been trying to avoid thinking about. I took a step backwards, but I think I got a good two steps forward afterward because of it, so it was a good thing!

I have been learning to count my blessings in the most unusual places!

Most importantly, I am comfortable in my own skin again.


You guys really are the best, and I appreciate the input from each and every one of you. The thing I love about the people here is that everyone has their own stories and experiences, some similar and some completely different than what I am going through, and all of them help paint a complete picture of all perspectives that helps bring me back to earth and back on track to where I need to be in my life.
I love you guys, each and every once of you.
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Old 01-30-2011, 06:41 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Love you too StarCat. I am glad you "sound" great! And this?:
Amazon is going to deliver "Under the Influence" to his house, nicely gift wrapped, with no card.
is hilarious!!!
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Old 01-31-2011, 10:17 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Bday gift?? why not give ME a gift?? my BDAY was on Sat and I am actually here for you!

How fun, the book... ah yes, when we start feeling the energy that otherwise would have been wasted somewhere else.... it IS a Birth Day indeed! So what are you buying for yourself??
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Old 01-31-2011, 10:26 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Bday gift?? why not give ME a gift?? my BDAY was on Sat and I am actually here for you!
Happy birthday!
I suppose I can get you something.
Have Some Hugs

As for myself, I got a massage yesterday, and I got a kitten Tuesday, and a brand new car two weeks ago, so I am holding off buying anything else big for about a month. (In one month we get our annual bonus, we had a good year last year so I get 14 days extra pay, which will be very nice.)
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Old 01-31-2011, 11:43 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Aww... hhahah thanks! 53 hugs?? thanks!!! this made me smile.

I also had a Shiatsu "massage" although it was painful but I felt lighter afterwards!

Congratulations on your new car !!!!! I am daydreaming about a newer car myself..

Awwwwwwwww how's the kitten doing?? I bet she owns you, and your home, already!
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Old 01-31-2011, 11:48 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Awwwwwwwww how's the kitten doing?? I bet she owns you, and your home, already!
She has two power settings:
Purring Furniture
Perpetual Motion Machine

She is also a talker, and will constantly meow to the point where I think she just likes to make me wonder if she needs something or just wants to "chat".
She loves to play hide and seek. She'll hide (always under the bed), then meow, and I'll have to pretend to look all over for her so she feels really satisfied with herself when I finally "discover" she's hiding under the bed.
She's also really smart, and has discovered she's not allowed on the dining room table, she's not allowed to climb the furniture, and she can't play with (or eat) the puzzle I'm currently working on. Aside from that, anything is fair game, and she knows it.
She also curls up in my lap or next to my laptop and watches when I do the online chats here.


If Shiatsu massages hurt a little, it means they're working. They are a bit painful sometimes, especially if you're tense, but I feel so much better now! It's going to be a weekly ritual for me, now.
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Old 01-31-2011, 11:51 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Couldn't help to put a pic of my own cats they say HI.. !
The grey one is Dolce, she was not that happy to be used as a pillow by Gabanna
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:20 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I think we posted at the same time. So lovely she likes to play with you and is being trained...

Hey, those pink things in Dolce's paws are Soft Paws, small glued plastic "manicure" so the cat doesn't scratch the furniture... you might want to check them out Alternatives to Declawing, Nail Caps for Cats

And this one is a good site for everything cat-related Purrs In Our Hearts - Cat Forum UK - Index (hope I am allowed to post the link)
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