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Pregnant and in need of support

Old 01-29-2011, 06:25 AM
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Pregnant and in need of support

Hello, I'm new here. Just stumbled upon this website by accident in fact while looking for some direction and support.

Well, I'm married to an alcoholic in denial, and we have a 2 year old son who absolutely adores his father, and another baby due in 6.5 weeks. My husband has always been a heavy drinker, but in the past 1.5 years has increased to the point I would say he is an alcoholic. He had a pretty tough upbringing to say the least, and am sure his increase in drinking is partly to do with the old issues that have reared their heads now that he has a son of his own. At the same time he started his own business, which was not successful and used up all our savings so felt like he had failed me and our son completely and he became very depressed and turned to alcohol. He then got a job working alongside an alcoholic who has no partner or children and has been to aa but decided he would prefer to keep drinking rather than change. It has only been in this last job that I have gotten to the point of feeling enough is enough.

I want to try to make things work for my son's sake, as AH is not abusive, neglecful etc, but a really wonderful father who just lacks a bit of patience and has a short fuse now and then. However, I have gotten to the point where I just can't deal with his drinking any more. He has a couple in the evenings after work when he gets home which doesn't worry me (I join him with a glass of wine when I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding), but on the weekends he will continuously drink midstrength beer from 11am onwards, consuming around 15 a day on average. I have let AH know a few times that I can't have our children growing up thinking this is normal and acceptable, and that I need him to decide what he wants, to keep drinking or us, and he always makes a big effort to cut back after that and try to sort his issues out (he has even gone to a counsellor when I have asked him to). However since Christmas and New Year (a VERY merry 10 days for him) his drinking has completely blown out. We had a public holiday on Wednesday, and to celebrate he bought 24 full strength beers (which he never drinks anymore), drinking 10 on Tuesday night and 14 the following day. For me that was the final straw, and while I didn't say anything he could tell from my mood. I was going to see what this weekend brought, and if nothing changed tell him I was going to stay with my parents for a month or two after the baby is born to try to work out what I was going to do. Anyway, Thursday night he gets home early from work, gives me a big kiss and hug, telling me that come Monday a whole lot is going to change. I didn't ask what he meant, though am sure it's about his drinking, smoking and helping out around the place a lot more. Once again he has been drinking a lot today, but I am holding my breath and waiting to see what Monday brings. He gave up smoking pot for me 7 years ago, so I do have hope.

Whatever comes to happen over the next few weeks and months though, I feel that if I take my son away from his father that I will be taking away his happiness, so really don't know what to do. Do I wait until I can no longer live with my AH but not to the point where my mood has an effect on my son? I dearly love him and the person he is, until Saturday and Sunday afternoons that is, and would be lost without him. However my son would be devastated. Either way, I have been preparing myself for the past 6 months in the event that I find myself a single working mum of a toddler and newborn baby.

As you can see, I'm at a loss as to where this is taking me and what to do when I get there. Any words of wisdom would be wonderful to hear.

Thanks for reading and responding to my novel of a post!!
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Old 01-29-2011, 06:57 AM
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Hi there,

Well, you've come to the right place! Sorry you're having to deal with all of this, but there are many others here who have been pretty much where you are.

You don't have to make any huge decisions right now, so take a few deep breaths. You are wise to consider the effect on your children of living in an alcoholic household.

I would suggest finding some Al-Anon meetings. Alcoholism is a very tricky disease to deal with, whether you are an alcoholic or have to live with the consequences of someone else's drinking. If your husband is an alcoholic, it isn't as easy as making the decision to quit drinking.

I'll be interested to hear what the "big news" is on Monday. I'd be very surprised if he were announcing he is quitting drinking. My bet is that it's something about making more money. If there is a discussion about his drinking, my bet is that he will claim that whatever wonderful thing is about to come to pass will solve all of your problems, including his need to drink so much.

People do recover from alcoholism (though the disease itself is never "cured"). My first husband has been sober for 31 years, and I have been sober for two and a half years. But most of us alcoholics have to desperately want to quit drinking before we are able to do the necessary work to recover.

Keep taking good care of yourself and your kids, no matter what he does. Al-Anon can help you get your head clear so you can make good decisions about your future.
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:27 AM
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the 3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and you can not CURE this...

he has to do this on his own terms...but for YOU, can you get to a AL ANON meeting? can family members help for babysitting...?

please read the stickys up top...and read and read some more...we are all here with same or different situations...take what you want, and leave the rest WE all have different views and different strengths and courage (at the time)

God bless you and your child(ren) and may you find some peace
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:41 AM
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I agree with Lexie that AlAnon is a good way to go. However, with 6.5 weeks until baby comes, I can see how that might be problematic. I suggest keep coming here to SR and reading others' posts, continuing to post here about your situation, and reading some books on alcoholism and codependency. Learning about the disease of alcoholism and the trap of codependency is really key IMO (in my opinion). But if you are physically willing and able then Yes! go to AlAnon. The in-person support you get there is invaluable! There is a real strength to be gotten from surrounding yourself with people who have gone through and are going through exactly what you are going through.

There are some practical things I'd like to point out for you from your post though.

This:
He had a pretty tough upbringing to say the least, and am sure his increase in drinking is partly to do with the old issues that have reared their heads now that he has a son of his own.
is a rationalization. It is a moot point. We tend to search, search, search for the reason WHY? when the reason why has nothing to do with anything. Try to avoid searching for this. All it does is create rationalizations for the behavior.

Try instead to understand that alcoholism is a disease, no more, no less. When you see that it is a disease, you can then easily understand The Three C's:

You did not cause it.
You cannot cure it.
And you cannot control it.

And this:
...Thursday night he gets home early from work, gives me a big kiss and hug, telling me that come Monday a whole lot is going to change.
is a ruse. A stall tactic. They do it CONTINUOUSLY. And they can do it for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS. I have watched my father do this for damn near 30 years. And he is still drinking 15 beers a day. Except that since about age 50, he has been doing nothing BUT SITTING there drinking 15 beers a day. Alcoholism is progressive. The drinking continues, the sick thinking gets worse, and their lives slowly turn to nothing but drinking.

Alcoholism is a chronic, fatal disease that cannot be cured and will progress unless the alcoholic completely STOPS. It does not sound like your spouse wants to stop or thinks that he needs to. Please take the BEST care of yourself you possibly can. BE SELFISH about your needs, especially now, with the baby coming.
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Old 01-29-2011, 08:20 AM
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Welcome to the forum
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Old 01-29-2011, 08:36 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find loads of support and encouragement here. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I agree with the previous posters that you don't have to solve all of this right away. Give yourself time to make clear choices for yourself and your children.

You already recognize what type of environment you want to raise your children in, and you also realize it may be up to you, alone, to provide this healthy environment. Good on you! You are a good mom!

There is loads of wisdom and some of our stories in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages. Here is one of my favorite posts:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You are not alone, and we are here to support you!

Wishing you a peaceful delivery and serenity!
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Old 01-29-2011, 01:07 PM
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welcome!
Oh my, what a horrible situation for you. im so sorry.
what really struck a chord with me in your story is when you said:

I feel that if I take my son away from his father that I will be taking away his happiness, so really don't know what to do. Do I wait until I can no longer live with my AH but not to the point where my mood has an effect on my son? ....my son would be devastated.

This is how I felt and really battled with. when I left AH our daughter was 3 months shy of her 3rd birthday.
I decided to go as she was witnessing just far too much tension and misery.
Even though at one point i felt she was the reason to stay, I started to realize she should be the reason to GO!!
It was an amicable split (sort of) and I am so glad now as he has just been diagnosed with cirrhosis. who knows what the future holds but I am glad my daughter doesnt have to be on the frontline of it all anymore.
Going into a store and pointing to the budweisers and saying 'thats daddys!'
Oh I knew it was time to go.
However, I left only AFTER he tried rehab and he relapsed almost immediately (which oddly he still denies)
I know that it is quite rare for someone not to relapse at least once, But the love was gone by then and I just couldnt invest anymore time in it all anymore.
You still love your husband and are due a baby now so you could ask him to see if he could get help - if he would be willing. It sounds like he knows he has a problem which is progressing. I hope that he will, in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself so Im so glad you joined here for support.
Its a great place to off-load. You are not alone
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Old 01-29-2011, 01:32 PM
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lots 'o wisdom here. Use it.

Welcome.
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Old 01-29-2011, 02:39 PM
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Welcome.

Your 2 year old may be perturbed by the change involved in living away from his father for a part of the week, but he will grow up far more perturbed by thinking that addiction is common and acceptable in is day to day life.

Ultimately, this is what made me leave my XAH. I couldn't bear the thought of my daughter growing up and thinking that a "normal" family involved the madness of drug addiction and alcoholism. I imagined her as a grown woman, involved with a man like her father, unable to get herself free, and then I realized that I had to leave, to give her the opportunity to experience a different kind of childhood.

As for the "Monday promise", it's just WORDS. And you probably know by now that when it comes to alcoholics, words don't mean jack. Actions are what you need to be looking at. What is he DOING to change the situation? Is he being consistent in his actions?

A big decision on Monday is a mere sneeze in the direction of the lifelong journey that is recovery. Nothing more.

Time to find some Al-Anon meetings and attend, if you can. Also time to figure out what other options you have should the "Monday promise" fall through.

I'm glad you found SR. Please feel free to post and read as much as you like.SR is always open.
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Old 01-29-2011, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Ultimately, this is what made me leave my XAH. I couldn't bear the thought of my daughter growing up and thinking that a "normal" family involved the madness of drug addiction and alcoholism. I imagined her as a grown woman, involved with a man like her father, unable to get herself free, and then I realized that I had to leave, to give her the opportunity to experience a different kind of childhood.


My sentiments exactly noday!!! But it does take a while to get to that point
doesnt it? It did for me, it so hard to do the right thing, especially when it comes to leaving someone and the practicalities of it also can be so overwhelming!
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Old 01-29-2011, 06:25 PM
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Welcome! I am new here too, and our husbands sound VERY much alike. It is a tough situation indeed. We have a 9 mo old, and I don't want him growing up with an alcoholic parent either. I tried the ultimatum last year, when I was still pregnant. He was pissed, said he had no choice, and was on good behavior for a while. Of course he's slipped right back to where he was. I am usually an impatient person, and want change to occur rapidly. My biggest battle is that this takes time. I'm doing the whole detachment thing. It is tough with a young child- not much ME time! We've been married 3 1/2 years, and I give it another two. If things are the same, I'm done. In the meantime, I'm putting away the same amount he spends on booze into my own personal savings account. I was raised by a strong, single mom and know that sometimes, you're better off on your own. (I'm also thankful to her, as I NEVER knew fighting of any kind growing up.. a very peaceful childhood). Best of luck.
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Old 01-29-2011, 06:37 PM
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Welcome, and know my heart goes out to you. This is supposed to be an exciting time in your life, not one fraught with worry and resentment. That just sucks.

Being a young mom of little ones is tough enough. Having an AH makes it 100X harder. My suggestion at this point is to read everything you can about alcoholism, go to Al-Anon if its feasible, visit this forum often, read everything you can here (and on the alcoholics section, as well). The better educated you are, the better off you'll be to make decisions that you may end up having to make in the near future. It's amazing what happens when the Mom-Mode kicks into high gear and you see yourself making decisions for the best interests of your children, period.

You'll find support here, and lots of familiar stories! We've all been through or are going through what you are today. You are not alone.
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Old 01-29-2011, 08:26 PM
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Welcome! What tough stuff.
I want to commend you on sounding very strong and directed. You know you need to take care of yourself! Hooray!
Three things struck me in your story.
One is fearing that to leave will be taking your daughter's happiness away.

Please remember we each hold our own happiness. It can't be taken away. Trust in her ability to do great in any circumstance.
Second, you said he quit pot for you, but with addicts, if they quit one thing, they go to another unless the really go into recovery (which he is clearly not doing).
Lastly, a promise of change on Monday strikes me as silly. He is either getting the message now or he's not.
Believe me. I get the stall tactic. My AH is great at it, too.
I have to remember all I have is right now and right now is my AH being the partner I need him to be?

Good luck. Stick around.
peace
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:06 PM
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Hi! ((hugs)) It is tough. I doubt he has anything new and revealing to bring to the table on Monday, doubtful it will be anything he wants to stick with at any rate.

It's tough, but it gets harder. I have 3 kids with my AH, and our eldest is now 6, and it's getting harder and harder to accommodate his drinking choices in the family lifestyle.
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