im missing my alcoholic ex boyfriend badly :(
 

hi guys, how you all doing? I recently posted my story about my break up with my in denial alcoholic ex boyfriend. Finding this site has been a life saver as its taught me alot about myself; i now know i am a codie as well as an ACOA. Learning about these things has taught me alot about my previous relationships but also what to do to work on myself and my own happiness.

I've decided to post today as i'm having a "down day". The ex bf phoned me at the start of the week to arrange meeting up this weekend for a chat, its been 2 weeks since the break up. We both admitted that we missed eachother but also that we needed to be away from eachother for the time being. He wanted to keep our meeting secret? Supposedly to stop people interfering. I ended up having to cancel our meeting due to other comittments. I get the feeling he was annoyed i canceled. After being so keen for meeting i think he is now having second thoughts as am i... Im having a down day as today should have been our meeting. I miss him badly but he hurt me so much :(

I havent spoke to him in four days. Not speaking to him the first week didnt bother me as he ended up chasing me anyway finding excuses to text me. But this week iv heard nothing since i said i couldnt go to our meeting.

I know how you feel. I missed my exabf terribly when I left him. I was heartbroken, but until he began a program of recovery from the disease of alcoholism, there was nothing to talk about.

I had to get off that merry go round. It is hard to let go, but it gets easier. Take care of you. Glad you found us.

Hey twinkle *hugs*

The dance continues huh? Abandonment, engulfment, rejection. It's as classic as a waltz.

Picture this a bit like a seesaw. When you're on a seesaw, your stability depends on where you are situated. When your partner jumps off, you hit the dirt. He's jumped off and you have plummeted. Now playing on a seesaw might be fun in the park, but it's no way to have a healthy relationship.

I know it sounds easier than it is.. but find your centre, your balance, no matter what he does. It means not reacting to your own feelings of abandonment, thoughts of unworthiness or guilt.

This quietness from him is designed to draw you back in, to continue the dance. He probably doesn't even realise he is doing it, but that doesn't matter.. as long as you do and you stay balanced.. after all, his behaviour is his responsibility.

You cancelled because you have commitments this weekend. That's good, because you have something other than him to focus on. Focus on them and more than ever, make you your priority this weekend. It's ok to miss him.. it's natural.. but don't make missing him the only thing.

I know it's hard babe.. but you're doing fine.

Having a “down day” is ok, it’s normal, part of the grieving process. We are all bound to have down days after a relationship ends. It’s how we handle those down days and the choices we make based on our “emotions and feelings” that will count the most in the long run.

It’s normal to feel sad, hurt, down, lonely those are all feelings we are allowed to feel when we are faced with a loss. They are not comfortable feelings so we attempt to “fix” them and that usually involves reaching out to the very person who’s presents in our lives brought them about in the first place. Wrong, big mistake but we codies do it all the time.

I gotta say, I don’t like the “secret” meeting part at all……..sounds very fishy so I am rather glad it didn’t work out. (things do happen for a reason)

Allow yourself to “feel” what you feel because it’s ok to feel it……those feelings might not feel very good but it’s important to allow ourselves to feel them and get through them. Keep control over your impulses to reach out to him to stop your hurt feelings, that logic will only backfire on you and you’ll add more hurt and disappointment on top of what you are already feeling.

When we break up with someone then remain in contact with them, it's not really a break is it, now that you have not heard from him in 4 days - it's "feeling" more like a break up should. Keep posting and know there is plenty of support here for you.

yeah it was the secrecy part that bugged me the most. Its the reason i decided not to cancel my own plans and to focus on myself this weekend. He wouldnt give me an answer at first about the secrecy, im 99% sure theres not another girl. It annoyed me when he said its cos he doesnt want people interfering and being nosey which i guess i can understand. But it annoys me cos he didnt care before when he was telling people details about our relationship, so whys he so bothered if they know we've met up? ! He didnt even want us mum knowing we'd met up, he thought it might "confuse her" and make her jump to conclusions. I was very close to her. I made sure he knew the aim of the meeting wasnt to get back together. I could never get back together until he sorted himself out. He said he wanted to meet up to "see how we got on and to chat about things now we've both had time to calm down"

The secrecy is to protect himself.. I can't imagine it is designed to shield you from anything. Why? I don't know.. but it's a big old red flag of slyness and deceit.

Sorry you are having a down day. I'm also at the beginning of a breakup and it some days really are hard. My ex was my addiction and I just think of this as the detox phase. It's painful, but we have to get through it to move on.

Hi twinkle1987. Please think about a couple of things. How were you feeling for that week that you were not in contact with him? Write it down. How did your week go? Were you confused about things in general? Then, how did you feel after you talked to him? A little boggled? Trying to figure out which way is up? Why did he want to keep it a secret? And how much energy have you had to expend thinking about him, what his motivations are, what you're going to do, how badly you feel now, etc?

Because what I found after going through what you are going through many times, is that when I was not in contact with the alcoholic/addict, I felt fine. Functioned fine. Got a lot done. Felt generally well. But once I would talk to them, listen to them, interact with them, I became confused. Scared. Hurt. All sorts of things. I discovered that interacting with them made me sick. And that if I wanted to NOT be sick, I needed to avoid that poison.

Yes, it was difficult at first because I felt lonely and missed them. Many times I would cry for WEEKS straight because I missed them so much. But then I focused on learning how to be alone without feeling badly. And you know what? After enough practice, I found that I LOVE being alone!!!!

I think this guy is bad news for you. And I think your instincts about some other girl are right. And I think you should trust those instincts.

(((hugs))) You can do this!

yeah thats totally how im feeling, when i wasnt contacting him i was fine. He chased me and seemed desparate to find out what id been up to and finding excuses to text me. But after speaking to him on the phone and getting on well with him the other night it confused me. Thinking of going fully NC to see how i go. Im pretty sure theres not another girl on the scene, he's been going around telling people he misses me. He's never had a proper gf before me so i doubt he would jump straight into anything with anyone new as the break ups been traumatic for both of us.

Maybe I missed something but what is the aim of the meeting?

When I had my ups/downs before marrying my AH, speaking to him was to get back together if we could reconcile our differences. Just didn't know he would hide apparent "casual" drug use from me instead of doing that in the open. Now 25 years later, I'm married to an alcoholic. Be careful to watch his actions and treat them as who he is (it's not a *mistake* on his part if he repeats something he said he'd stop...it's a choice he makes). Wish I applied that to my life back then; I may not be in the situation I am today.

not quite sure what the aim would be to be honest. We both felt we needed to clear the air and have a chat now that we'd both calmed down. Things got very heated during the break up. He talked about breaking up, he expected me to beg him to stay but i gave him a shock by agreeing with it, moving out our flat and leaving to go and stay with friends in my hometown all within 24 hours. All this with a broken foot! He's so used to me chasing after him that it must have been a shock!

I would love if there was a miracle and he magically got better overnight and we reconciled. BUT i could never reconcile until he got help which i think he knows deep down. He's talked about getting help but i still feel he hasnt fully admitted his problems with booze and mood swings. Its still everyone else fault, especially mine! I dunno if having a chat is worth it, i would like to encourage him to get help.
But i fear it may end up being at the expense of my own sanity! I miss the good side of him but im relieved to get rid of the other side of him.

In my heart of hearts i know i need to move on. Im just scared of the unknown :(

We are all scared of the unknown, believe me you are not alone in those thoughts.

Life can be scary but joyful too, when we listen to our fears they’ll tell you where you need to be and what aspect of our lives we need to focus on more.

I thought I’d had a pretty good idea of who I was but after my break up I was shocked at how my identity seemed to have exploded, it was hard not knowing what was to come next in life.

But the more I can accept that like the daily tides, life has it’s highs and lows and our unknowingness can flow in and out much like those tides, I am learning to relax and flow with it. Part of my day I’m on a high, clearly knowing what I do and don’t want in life from a partner. Then comes the low where I feel scared and begin to minimize the emotional damage caused by loving someone with addictions.

Life will always be filled with highs and lows, that’s reality and I am learning to just “be” and ride them both out.

Missing my alcoholic ex bf
 

Hi Guys,

I am new here.

I need your help since I broke up with my ex boyfriend who is an alcoholic but I can't forget him and everytime he calls me or texts me I always go to meet him. He hurt me several times phisically and mentally but I love him and can't forget him and move on with my life.


I know this is no good for me and I know I need to stay away from him but I feel like I can't do it.

Please give me some advices.

Thanks :a108:

Twinkle and Candy, it sounds like both of you are missing the drama and chaos that come with being in a relationship with an alcoholic & codependency. I am 1 month post break up, so I can completely relate. It will take time & support to get past this. Please try Al Anon, counseling, or both. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic damages you more than you can see right now. And continue to come here for support. Sometimes you will not like how brutally honest people can be on here. But they aren't doing it to be mean. They are doing it because they have been there. When I joined this site, I thought MY relationship was different & special, not your typical relationship with an alcoholic. WRONG! The more I read, the more I realized all the relationships are the same. I hope you both continue to find strength on this site.

Tallulah, your post made so much sense to me and I just wanted to thank you! Twinkle, my AXBF gives me the silent treatment when I don't engage him. It used to bother me a lot and sometimes it still does. There is a lot of great advice here. We are all in this mess together. Keep taking care of you and don't get back on the seesaw :) hugs!

Duplicate post deleted

Sorry for the double post, I didn't think the first one took. Cell phones ugh.

From the other side of the fence.

I used to be the alcoholic boyfriend of a few different young ladies (when I was younger of course)

And I am serious when I say... Go and stay gone.

Your alcoholic in denial boyfriend is a mentally sick puppy, he will be a tornado in your life, that will see you eventually end up as sick as he is.

You can't fix him and he does not love you like you love him.

Ignore everything that comes out of his mouth with regards to "love".... Actions speak louder than words.

Always watch his actions if you want to really know how he feels about you.

Oh honey, you are only hurting yourself by dragging this out. Go NC you will hurt much less.

XXX

Hawks, thank you SO much for writing this. I'm going through a similar withdrawal 5 weeks after leaving my sweet, loving ABF and have hit a particularly low stretch this week. DYING to call him and arrange a meeting. KNOWING I should not (at least by conventional thinking...is that my denial at work? :)

I really need to hear from the RAs on this. Really, really helps. Thank you for chiming in!