My wife and what to do

Old 01-27-2011, 06:42 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
My wife and what to do

My wife has been drinking for quite a while at least the last 7 years on and off. I'm not sure if this is where to post but I don't know what else to do. I do have a supportive family(somewhat,my dad was also a heavy violent drinker when i was younger). She started hiding the bottles in the house and I guess I just didn't realize how bad it was. I would just tell her that she needed to stop drinking everyday and she would for a while then I restricted her access to our money and she went to some meetings. I looked at her over time as a functioning alcoholic so I didnt do anything as far as ultimatums. We also have a 7 year old daughter and I should have been thinking of her that whole time. Well it has gone from bad to worse, she went to work on Monday drunk and had got fired. Her boss had called me and asked if i had heard from my wife and i said no, she paused and sounded concerned so i asked her what was going on and that is when she explained to me about her being drunk. She had told my wife that she was going to drive her home but my wife told her she was going to call me and took off. I tried to call her to tell her to stay where she was but no luck. Anyway long story short she tried to drive home and hit curbs and apparently bumped into a lady no damage, but they were following her and stopped her and called the police. As i was home with my daughter we went looking for her, i had to bring her with me she ended up being down the street from our house (daughter had to be there while she got arrested). She was beyond drunk the worst I have seen her not knowing what was going on. Cops came and took her to jail. My dilemma is I have told her that she needs to go and stay with her Dad while she recovers as I cannot have her around our daughter till she gets better(still love her). She has attended one AA meeting all ready so i guess that's a start. There is just so much that I am going to have to deal with because of this as I will be on my own with everything financially. I feel real bad about her not being here but don't know what else to do. She seems content with getting better and I'm sure she wants to stay here just think she needs to focus on herself.Im not going to totally cut her off from her daughter she can come see her, just need her to get better so that we can continue our lives together. Am I doing the right thing?
atxniner is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to atxniner For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-28-2011), cmc (01-27-2011), djayr (01-27-2011), fourmaggie (01-30-2011), LexieCat (01-28-2011), NTurn (01-30-2011), Pelican (01-28-2011), tallulah (01-28-2011), wicked (01-28-2011)
Old 01-27-2011, 07:22 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
coyote21's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Hey Atxniner,

Sounds like we may be "neighbors".

I'm a single dad raising a 9yo daughter by myself because of her mom's alcoholism, so I've been exactly where you are.

Yes, you are doing the right thing by protecting you little girl from the effects of her moms alcoholism. Being around all the crazy-making nonsense associated with active alcoholism is hell on us adults, so you can imagine the effect it has on little kids. So rest assured, you've instinctively done the right thing, good job.

There's lots of good information up at the top of this page in the "sticky" section, also in the "best of SR" area. Al-Anon meetings are great to help us learn how to most effectively deal with the family disease of alcoholism. It's a family disease, because it effects everyone who is close to the alcoholic, and most people instinctively do the wrong things in an effort to "help".

Al-Anon meetings are also full of people who can understand what you are going through, that was a real comfort for me when I started going.

Hang in there, the people here will help you get your bearings.

Thanks and God bless us all,
coyote21 is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to coyote21 For This Useful Post:
Bernadette (01-28-2011), bookwyrm (01-29-2011), cmc (01-27-2011), fourmaggie (01-30-2011), MyBetterWorld (01-28-2011), tallulah (01-28-2011), theuncertainty (01-27-2011), wicked (01-28-2011)
Old 01-27-2011, 08:52 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
cmc's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello Atxniner, welcome to SR.

I'm so glad you found us.
I 'second' what coyote has already shared; especially about Al-Anon. Ala-teen is a wonderful program too and it's not just for teens but for younger kids as well. You might want to look into that for her.

Good for you about putting your daughter's needs first. If you ever doubt that... please take a peek at our Adult Childrens' forum in this Friends & Family section of SR. Your making her needs a priority is the right thing to do.

Although you can't make things 'all better' for her- you can provide her with the safety, security, education, love & support that she needs. She's blessed to have such a caring dad.

I hope things work out for you and that your wife will seek the help she needs.
cmc is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to cmc For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-28-2011), coyote21 (01-28-2011), theuncertainty (01-27-2011), wicked (01-28-2011)
Old 01-27-2011, 10:11 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
zrx1200R's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
You are doing the right thing, for a start. I suggest you need to be strong and focus on you and your daughter. Your wife has made her own mess and she needs to deal with it.

Remember, they say what ever they think you need to hear to give them one more chance. They KNOW they can manipulate you. They know the words that work on you. But in the end, most of them can not change their behavior in months. It takes many, many years.

Move on and let her get well.

And read this post:
zrx1200R is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to zrx1200R For This Useful Post:
wicked (01-28-2011)
Old 01-28-2011, 04:59 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
Pelican's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, encourage you and share our hope with you.

You are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself and your daughter. You are also allowing your wife the opportunity to take responsibility for her own life. Good on you!

The folks here helped me learn to accept the three C's of addiction while dealing with my loved one. They are:

I did not CAUSE the addiction
I can not CONTROL the addiction
I will not CURE the addiction

The responsibility belongs with the alcoholic.

There is lots of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the tops of the forum pages. This is one of my favorites:
Pelican is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Pelican For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-28-2011), coyote21 (01-28-2011), Jazzman (01-28-2011)
Old 01-28-2011, 05:04 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Blog Entries: 2
What coyote said, thirded.

You are doing the right thing. Read, attend Al-anon meetings if possible, come here... knowledge is power and there is a whole lot of support out there should you choose it.

Hang in there.. *hugs*
tallulah is offline  
Old 01-28-2011, 05:06 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the kind words and advice as I will need it all. I am glad I found this place. Lots of good infromation and lots of great people. Once again thank you
atxniner is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to atxniner For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-28-2011), cmc (01-28-2011), MyBetterWorld (01-28-2011), Pelican (01-28-2011), RollTide (01-28-2011)
Old 01-28-2011, 03:07 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
barb dwyer's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Blog Entries: 7
Just want to welcome you to the forum and hope you'll keep posting and reading!
barb dwyer is offline  
Old 01-28-2011, 03:33 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
jayscott's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Welcome to the forums, I started coming here about 16 months ago (just reading, mostly) and it took a while before I had enough strength and energy to start writing and taking actions. My wife is also an alcoholic; we have a 6-month-old son. I also love my wife very much, but remind myself every day that she is an adult with the ability to make choices while our children are 100% dependent on their parents for nourishment and love and support.

You're doing the right thing by focusing on your daughter. Keep reading here as much as you need, write whenever you need to talk about something you can't talk about at home. Your answers will present themselves when you need them the most.
jayscott is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to jayscott For This Useful Post:
Bernadette (01-28-2011), coyote21 (01-28-2011), Shellcrusher (01-31-2011), Tuffgirl (01-30-2011)
Old 01-30-2011, 11:54 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
My wife is now living with her father. She had thought he was going to help her with the initial costs of all her mistakes but as of right no car no job no money and no lawyer. So she is telling me she is probably going to jail for whatever time they give her. She is concerned and very emotional that i am going to leave her because I kicked her out so fast I thought the feeling of separation was mutual as to not hurt our daughter anymore than she has. I'm not sure if anyone knows but I'm in Texas and I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to get legal separation from her not necessarily a divorce as i do not want to shut the door completely. I really don't know where to start and any info would be much appreciated. I thank you all for your support in my time of need. My uncle works for the attorney generals office so I am going ask him if there is anyone he knows there that i can speak with about my situation. I also would not have any money to consult a lawyer. My aunt said there are forms you can print out sign and turn in to get the separation part done I just don't know where to start
atxniner is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to atxniner For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-30-2011), NTurn (01-30-2011)
Old 01-30-2011, 12:22 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
barb dwyer's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Blog Entries: 7
It's hard.

Texas does have some 'laws of its own'
and getting the separation legalized would be the route I'd choose
were it me.

If for nothing else than to avoid future legal responsibility
because next time
she may well hurt someone.

Your friend in the State AJ's office
will be able to get you where you need to be.

I am a recovering alcoholic
so I can say this with a bit of licence...

but nothing is more contrite and sincere
dedicated and devoted
than an alcoholic with a court date hanging over their head.

That's why I think you're doing the right thing
to protect your child, your property and assets
because it almost never ends here.

Don't take that to say
yours might be one of those few
that does end and all becomes well again...

that's just unfortunately against the law of averages.

It's just that to get back 'in'... well,
that's a privilige that has to be earned
and that can only happen over time.

What are you doing for yourself
to keep the balance for you?
barb dwyer is offline  
Old 01-30-2011, 12:56 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
A work in progress
LexieCat's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633

Here's a link to some info about Texas matrimonial law. According to the website, Texas doesn't recognize "legal separation" as a concept or status. You might be able to work out an agreement for temporary child support or visitation, though. Do some research on the internet, and your best bet is ALWAYS to have at least a consultation with a lawyer who handles matrimonial law.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-30-2011)
Old 01-30-2011, 03:51 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Tuffgirl's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
I have "Another One Bites The Dust" going through my head right now - not to sound trite about your situation. It's just that in the short time I've been reading and posting on this forum, these stories are an everyday occurrence. You'll easily find like minds here! And I am sorry about your situation, for you and your child (I have two daughters) and also for your wife, who now must face a painful reality. Just sucks for everyone involved and it really doesn't seem fair in any way.

Read, go to Al-Anon, and keep your focus on your child. Jayscott is right - your wife is an adult and can take care of herself (if you get out of the way and let her) but your child needs you and is completely dependent on you.

Take good care!
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (01-30-2011)
Old 01-30-2011, 04:10 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Goose Creek, SC
Posts: 44
Thanks for posting this story, it gave me the courage to post my own. I wish you the best of luck, take care of your child, she cannot do it herself.
MarlinVX is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:34 AM.