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The lonliness is crushing

Old 01-27-2011, 03:47 PM
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The lonliness is crushing

I recently left XABF. It was a nasty split including threats, police, and harassment. I've had some realistic fears about my safety and am just plain stressed out by the situation. I have had no contact for a week and the loneliness is creeping in. The weird part is....he is the one causing me all this pain, but it's a reflex for me to want him when I'm hurting and scared. Like many emotionally abusive men he is amazing and devoted and wonderful MOST of the time. He "rescued" me from my divorce and my critical family. In typical abuser fashion he made sure he was my everything. So here I am as stressed, scared, and overwhelmed as ever and I find myself in tears just wishing to be held and comforted the way he so often did. I know I need to learn to be my own comfort. I know he's a giant A&& hole. I hate him and am so angry. But the loneliness is huge and I would love to be held right now.
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Old 01-27-2011, 03:56 PM
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Can you get to an AlAnon meeting? Is there anyone you can reach out to? I find that yoga classes are great because they focus your mind, de-stress you, give you a place to go so you're not sitting at home alone, and are just generally good therapy.

Hang in there... you are doing what's best for you and just hold on to that thought until you get the through the tough times... they'll pass.
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Old 01-27-2011, 03:58 PM
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I don't mean to sound flippant, but, if you don't already have one, get a puppy or a kitten. It's amazing how animals can make us feel loved, and they'll never ever abuse us.
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Old 01-27-2011, 04:00 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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when they're gone,
we first realize the size of the 'hole' that's been left in our world.

LATER ... we realize how much of that hole ..
should have been filled with 'us' all along.

And never should have been that much of ourselves
invested in another in the first place.

You'll learn to fill that with yourself,
with self knowledge and self confidence will grow
within a healthier life.
A new life, growing from the old one, filled
With knowledge. Wisdom.

WIth hope.

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Old 01-27-2011, 04:02 PM
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I have heard it said that the only thing worse than being lonely is being in a relationship and being lonely. I have been in your situation, I found my peace with friends, self help books and doing things that I enjoyed and had been unable to do because of the ex. It does get better, it will get easier and you will get stronger.
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Old 01-27-2011, 04:13 PM
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Hey Idul

Firstly, congrats on your first week of NC :ghug3

When I left my ex and went NC, I was lucky to be staying with friends for a while after, but even though I was never really alone I did experience loneliness. Or rather it was the fourth stage of grief which I mistook for loneliness. See, even before I left the relationship I'd gone through stages 1-3: denial, anger, bargaining. So, now I was thrown into the 'depression' stage.. the stage when you don't want to be (or should I say feel) alone, but don't want to be around people.. where you just want to curl up, cry and grieve. When you want a hug from the person who is no longer around.

It's perfectly natural and while it feels like hell it is an important part of the process. It's the time when you start to detach from the love and affection you felt/remember. This is an emotion, a negative but very powerful one, but it can be traded for an equally powerful positive one like hope. Do whatever.. whatever.. you need to get through it. Cry, scream, eat your body weight in ice-cream, watch a movie, call friends and talk about utter nonsense, come here and post.. but don't contact him.

Because next will come acceptance, the process will find its conclusion and you will come out the other side.
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Old 01-27-2011, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by tallulah View Post
See, even before I left the relationship I'd gone through stages 1-3: denial, anger, bargaining. So, now I was thrown into the 'depression' stage.. the stage when you don't want to be (or should I say feel) alone, but don't want to be around people.. where you just want to curl up, cry and grieve. When you want a hug from the person who is no longer around.
This is exactly as I am feeling. I hadn't recognized it as depression, but it really is. I have two little kids and just started college this week. I have not had a single moment to grieve and I guess I really need to. My kids are with my ex husband (not the same guy) this weekend and maybe all I really need is a nice hot bath, a chick flick, and a chance to cry.

Thanks for all of your responses.

Edited to add: I have been unable to attend a meeting because of child care. I plan to do that this weekend as well.
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Old 01-27-2011, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Idul View Post
This is exactly as I am feeling. I hadn't recognized it as depression, but it really is. I have two little kids and just started college this week. I have not had a single moment to grieve and I guess I really need to. My kids are with my ex husband (not the same guy) this weekend and maybe all I really need is a nice hot bath, a chick flick, and a chance to cry.

Thanks for all of your responses.
It's 'depression'. Not necessarily the clinically diagnosed variety (hence the ' ' ) but more a slump. Bit like the economy.

Me? I put on really depressing songs about losing love or lost love and bawled my eyes out. I'm not the crying type, but omg it felt so good afterwards. Or, I'd throw on Bridget Jones' Diary, Love Actually or a similar movie which was a little soppy but had a soupcon of humour in it. I'd sit in my jammies, hair scraped back, tissues and something deeply indulgent to eat and I would just allow myself to feel whatever I needed to feel.

Before long.. I got damned sick of those songs and I found myself laughing all the way through the movies.

Be gentle with yourself.. it's o.k to be feeling what you are feeling.. in fact, I would be more worried for you if you weren't. It's nature's way of telling you you're on the road.
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Old 01-27-2011, 06:01 PM
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Boy do I ever know how you're feeling. I have been there many many times. But do you know what I realized about that? In my experience it was my relationship with THAT PERSON that created those feelings of helplessness and needing to be held and protected in the first place. I discovered that it is actually a tactic that alcoholics and addicts used on me to keep me in the relationship!! When I realized that I couldn't believe how many times I had fallen for it. They will say the most hurtful things, and reveal the most hurtful behaviors that they have done, just to HURT me so that I go running back to them.

A couple years ago, I found my Higher Power. I truly began to BELIEVE in a Higher Power. And the last time I was hurting like you are, I asked my Higher Power to please help me. And this feeling of peace immediately came upon me. In a second I stopped crying and felt a strength of heart within me. It was miraculous to me and I will never forget it.

You have a strength within you that you do not know. We all do. But when we surround ourselves with people who are sick, selfish, manipulative and uncaring, that strength is drained and hidden from us. I promise you that the longer you stay away from people like that, the stronger you will become. Please do get to AlAnon. Because there you will be surrounded by people who are also trying to regain their strength. And this will help you.

Here are my arms wrapped around you: (((hugs))). I hope that gives you some strength today.
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Old 01-28-2011, 04:53 AM
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I too can recall the loneliness, the hole in my heart.

You will realize that the peace of mind far exceeds the loneliness.
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Old 01-28-2011, 04:58 AM
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Hi Idul.. hoping that today is a little better for you.. *hugs*
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Old 01-28-2011, 07:17 AM
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Thanks It was a rough night. I waited until the kids were asleep and then "talked" to XABF. Well, not really to him, but to his picture. I cried, yelled, begged, laughed, and just said a lot of what I was wishing I could say to him. It helped A LOT! I realized I don't miss him, I miss the act he would put on when he was on best behavior. All the real stuff...his lack of integrity, his lies, and his destructive behavior I don't miss one little bit. This site is such a God send.
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Old 01-28-2011, 07:27 AM
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I realized I don't miss him, I miss the act he would put on when he was on best behavior.
Aint that the truth! An act.

Beth
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Old 01-28-2011, 07:37 AM
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Good for you

Yeah, I 'talked' to mine through the power of the unsent 'email'. Blurted it all out in draft form in Word and let it sit there. Just getting it out was all that was needed: didn't even need to send it (not that I would, I was resolute in NC).

Proud of you babe.

Tx
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Old 01-28-2011, 08:40 AM
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I realized I don't miss him, I miss the act he would put on when he was on best behavior.
They all are great actors aren't they? I believe that they don't feel real feelings due to alcohol. That's why they drink to suppress them. To NOT to feel. When they're sober they have to fake feelings. I always noticed how my Aw used to be so over the top in her actions. She would be too nice or too angry or just generally behave in the extreme. I think she was just trying to portray the right emotion for the situation but just wasn't sure how. The actress in her was improvising. I can't say I miss the acting because it wasn't real for me. It was just that, acting.
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Old 01-28-2011, 12:28 PM
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it's like a muddy footprint - it fills back up.

and it will fill back up - with something more worthwhile.
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Old 01-29-2011, 06:38 AM
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I always noticed how my Aw used to be so over the top in her actions. She would be too nice or too angry or just generally behave in the extreme.
This is me.
It's weird to be this way.
I am 100% sober a couple of years now. (No, I don't know the date. I don't keep track.) I realize I don't experience my feelings the same as everyone else. I don't know if I have joy like others do or if my joy is just mania or overreacting. My brother used to tell me I was a simpleton because I was joyous over simple things. Maybe people think I am stupid??

When something happens in my life, when someone else does something, I overreact. I overdramatize. I slam doors. I throw things. I cry. I yell. I smoke. Why do I do these things? Do I have some mental illness?

Or is this because I am an alcoholic?

I don't know.
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:47 AM
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this too shall pass
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Aint that the truth! An act.

Beth
agreed!!
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