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I was just thinking...

Old 01-27-2011, 12:28 PM
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I was just thinking...

I grew up with a functioning alcoholic father. He started drinking at 16 and hasn't stopped, he's in his 50s now. Well that got me thinking... is everything he's ever said to me quacking?

For longer than I have been alive, he's been drinking. And as for his attempts at sobriety, to my knowledge, he would go to AA meetings and then drink on his way home.

This is really messing with my head today.
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Old 01-27-2011, 01:05 PM
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Quacking is generally used as a form of manipulation.
So if you felt he was trying to manipulate your feelings, or manipulate you into doing something, then yes - it was probably quacking.
But if he wasn't trying to get you to do anything, feel any particular way for his benefit, or anything like then, then no, he wasn't quacking then.

Most of the things my XABF said were quacking, but not all of them.
When we got dressed up to go somewhere, for example, he'd get a dreamy look in his eyes and say how beautiful I looked, and how much he loved me. He didn't expect me to do anything, he wasn't fishing for a compliment, he just wanted to smile at me for awhile. Those comments were honest.
I don't have many memories of "non-quacking" comments like that, but the ones I do have mean a lot to me, and they're "enough".

I am sure you can find "enough" as well. Alcoholics are flawed, imperfect people, but every once in awhile someone beautiful can shine through, and those are the memories I hold dear.
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Old 01-27-2011, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
Quacking is generally used as a form of manipulation.

But if he wasn't trying to get you to do anything, feel any particular way for his benefit, or anything like then, then no, he wasn't quacking then.

I am sure you can find "enough" as well. Alcoholics are flawed, imperfect people, but every once in awhile someone beautiful can shine through, and those are the memories I hold dear.
Thank you for clarifying. As for finding those moments where someone beautiful shined through, I'll have to keep looking. The moments that pop into my head are beautiful until I remember that he was blacked out. :/
As much as I don't think he was trying to manipulate me in those moments, it's hard to find joy in them when you're driving his inebriated self to his room at the downtown Motel 6 afterwards...

Thanks for the input. I'll keep looking...
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Old 01-27-2011, 02:41 PM
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Do you think your father loved you?

If you do, then I feel that the moments are real. The things he said, when drunk or sober, were real.

I choose to believe that parents that love their children give them the best that they are able. Sometimes what they are able to give falls far short from what a child needs and deserves but it is still the best the parent can do. They can't give more then their best - and what they do give is very real.

I think we can both accept that our parents gave us their very best and at the same time acknowledge that it fell short of what we deserved and/or needed. At least this is how I do it.

I was not abused and I feel that my parents did love me. I have never doubted that and my heart aches for those that do. I'm not sure where you are at but wanted to share my view. I actually had a harder time with the ending - acknowledging that sometimes it may have fallen short.
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Old 01-27-2011, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by cb12 View Post
is everything he's ever said to me quacking?
I doubt it. My dad is in his seventies and has been drinking since he was about 8 years old. He had moments of sobriety over the years. I remember plenty of things he has said that have been helpful to me over the years.

This is really messing with my head today.
Is there something that is stressing you out?
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Old 01-27-2011, 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Do you think your father loved you?
This is where I feel that my lack of trust impedes me. He tells me he loves every time we talk (approximately once every couple of weeks). I understand that he is an adult, he's going to make his own decisions, and I cannot control or cure him. BUT his actions towards me seem contradictory to love (not in a sexually or physically abusive way). The things he's done make it hard to believe that he loves me. On the other hand, I don't believe he would tell me he loves me, if he didn't.
Maybe his disease makes his love for me harder for me to see...

Is there something that is stressing you out?
Graduate school applications are due on February 1st. Other than that, life is as normal.
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Old 01-27-2011, 06:24 PM
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I think it is VERY common for people who are close to an alcoholic or addict to think they don't really love us otherwise they wouldn't do the hurtful things they do. But I learned this last go around with an alcoholic addict who I have known most of my life that this is just not true. Because I have always KNOWN in my heart that this person loved me, I was able to see that his really bad behavior in our relationship had NOTHING to do with me or how he felt about me. It was just that he could not be what I wanted him to be. Love and alcoholism have nothing to do with one another. Alcoholism is a disease. If he had cancer and was unable to create the relationship you would like to have with him because of the symptoms of his cancer, would you then conclude that he must not really love you? Of course not. And it is the same with alcoholism. An alcoholic can love you AND be in active alcoholism. If your father is saying he loves you, BELIEVE him.
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Old 01-27-2011, 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I think it is VERY common for people who are close to an alcoholic or addict to think they don't really love us otherwise they wouldn't do the hurtful things they do...
*sigh of relief* I'm not the only one.

Love and alcoholism have nothing to do with one another... An alcoholic can love you AND be in active alcoholism. If your father is saying he loves you, BELIEVE him.
His actions make it hard, but I'll start to change my thinking to love and alcoholism are mutually exclusive and my father does love me. He just has difficulty showing it, i guess...

Thank you L2L.
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