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How do I deal with Rejection

Old 01-27-2011, 07:40 AM
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How do I deal with Rejection

Hi,

I am not sure where to start with this and I have no idea what I should really be doing.
My Fiance is a recovering alcoholic and is over two years sobriety. This year will make it Three. I am very very proud of him and he has made great progress. He now lectures several times a week at treatment centers and prisons. Attends both AA and NA meetings almost everyday. He works with his Sponsors and Sponsees and he is very dedicated to helping others.

However many times, he gets so depressed and angry. He does other things I think to the extreme. He has focused on fitness and health and will spend hrs doing various exercises. He will get little rest because he will stay up writing, going to meetings etc and then complains he didn't sleep and is angry and cranky. He talks about being a failure or a nobody or dying. These things make me mad, I tell him he should look at what he has done with his life, how he has made so many great changes for the better and shouldn't think so.

We don't live together, I am from a different country and hopefully will be moving this year. We spend a lot of time communicationg via phone, emails, skype and we visit as often as we can. Many times our relationship feels strained because I am always feeling unimportant. He is always angry, tired, too busy, working, at a meeting, with a client or his sponsor or sponsee or driving to see his kids or just in a bad mood. So talking to him is difficult. It is always on his terms and time or when it is convenient to him which is almost never because he's doing something else. I will try to call, and its always to wrong time.

Many times I feel I am being selfish and not understanding. I beat myself up for being a bad person. But I cannot help but feel like I am always at last place in his life and I don't know what I should do. He makes me feel like I am always failing him. I try to be as understanding and patient but even that seems to not work. I then get frustrated and angry and will lash out at him because I feel he shows no regards to my emotions or how sometimes his actions hurt me. And no matter how many times I try to explain...he just seems oblivious to what I am saying and only sees it as me attacking him.

I love this man very much, and he is a wonderful amazing person. I see so much good in him. I see so much will power and potential. However, I need to know what I can do to be better for him. If I move, I will be making a big and drastic change in my life. I will give up my life as i know it. I just want to know that I am doing the right thing.

Please Help Me.
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Old 01-27-2011, 08:19 AM
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Welcome to SR. Sounds like you started your post just fine and we've all been there or are there or might be there. Bottom line is that we generally understand your situation.

With that said, I know how you feel.
You just can't do anything right and even when you know you're trying hard, it's just not enough.

He's going through his recovery and he has put himself first. It's his priority. A good book that I've found helpful for me is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It might shed a little light on what you're experiencing and why.

Edit: I wanted to answer your last question. Are you doing the right thing? My answer is no, you're not doing the right thing but let me qualify that a little bit. You say you need to know what you can do better for him. You say you will give up your life as you know it. I say, you need to know what's best for you and I'd also suggest that you never give up your life as you know it for someone else. That's just a cold hard fact and while it may seem foreign to you right now, give it some time. Keep reading other posts and hopefully you'll start to understand why that is so important.

A general thought you'll see posted here is that you should put yourself 1st always. Keep posting and keep reading. The people and this forum are fantastic.
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Old 01-27-2011, 11:55 AM
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First of all, welcome!

Because it is what I am having to come to terms with - I have to ask if you have spent any time accepting what your life will look like with a recovering alcoholic; especially if you are engaged and looking at moving to his country to be with him? It's a different lifestyle than being with someone who is not an addict. You are taking your chances with this man.

There are some great posts and resources on the "stickies" in this forum; check them out. If Al-Anon is available in your area - go to a few meetings. Listen to others who have made the choice to accept this lifestyle and how they cope with it. Decide if its really the path you want to go down. Your fiance may never change... this simply may be how he needs to live to cope with sobriety.

The real question then becomes "what do YOU want?" Does it FEEL like the right thing to do? Only you can decide that for yourself.
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Old 01-27-2011, 08:32 PM
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The last thing I would do is imagine I was going to change somebody after I married them.
Whatever the situation is now, imagine it amplified. That is probably the closest to the truth that you can predict.
How will you feel if you feel exactly as you do now, but amplified by five or ten years with him?
If there are red flags before you marry him, you need to fix them or separate, BEFORE you marry him!
If fixing him involves trying to change him in a big way, not simply a conversation that resolves the issue, then forgetaboutit!

It is a red flag to not feel good about yourself in a relationship. It is a red flag if you feel that you are not being heard. It is a red flag if you try to address issues and can't seem to resolve them.
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Old 01-27-2011, 10:16 PM
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"Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."--Al Anon Welcome

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be difficult, yet many of us find ourselves in that situation and choose not to leave.

Just because the alcoholic isn't drinking, doesn't mean that they aren't still an alcoholic! I truly believe that just being around alcoholics can result in us becoming "irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."

The only person who can help you...is you. I really would suggest attending a few Al-Anon meetings. You'll find people there who understand what you're experiencing and you'll find tools and support that will help you find balance and peace, whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not. It really does work!
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Old 01-28-2011, 08:01 AM
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We don't live together, I am from a different country and hopefully will be moving this year. We spend a lot of time communicationg via phone, emails, skype and we visit as often as we can. Many times our relationship feels strained because I am always feeling unimportant. He is always angry, tired, too busy, working, at a meeting, with a client or his sponsor or sponsee or driving to see his kids or just in a bad mood. So talking to him is difficult. It is always on his terms and time or when it is convenient to him which is almost never because he's doing something else. I will try to call, and its always to wrong time.

I have to say as I was reading your post I was getting that heavy feeling. Could he have relapsed?. There were times that I couldn't tell if my AW was drinking and we lived together. He sounds secretive to me. Just my opinion..fwiw
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Old 01-28-2011, 09:28 AM
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The man in my life, my exabf, has been in recovery for 1 year. He is doing very well. We have just begun to see one another after 6 months of no contact.

Prior to that 6 months, we were seeing one another, he was not drinking, he was going to meetings, but he was tense, and argumentative, and manipulative, and controlling...in my opinion, worse than anything he was like when drinking even.

So I stepped away, and went no contact for 6 months. What I realize now, and what I have shared with him, is that I was uncomfortable with his behavior, as I would be with anyone who behaved that way, whether they were an alcoholic or not. I just did not want to spend my time with someone like that. It was not healthy for me.

Take care of yourself, by reading, and learning, and sharing here and at al anon...one of my favorite sayings around here is: when in doubt, do nothing. More will be revealed. It always is.

Welcome.
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