nodaybut2day

Last time around, when he was harassing babymama #3, it took maybe a year and a half (it's been 7 months since we spoke last). That's about when he started hounding me to get preggers, but I resisted for another 2 years or so.

Last I heard, he was seeing a girl as soon as we separated, but I don't know if she was smart enough to resist getting knocked up by him. I sure wasn't.

naive

drunks don't follow thru.

i would take no action in this case. tell your family that you don't want to know if he contacts them.

keep the cash for your child.

tjp613

I'm with Naive on this one.

I've been following your story since you were just a quivering bowl of jello, Noday.

I'd rather go to jail than let that man anywhere near your child. He doesn't care about her, he's only using her to try to control you. He'll grow weary soon enough or find a new victim.

Keep the money - your child deserves it. Stay No Contact no matter what.

That's my $0.02. Worth every penny, too.

barb dwyer

*AS USUAL*
Barb Dwyer sees something from her place over in left field:

check this out -

Okay.
This is what *I* saw in this.

Your parents (aunt whatever 'family unit') got triggered.

They immediately expect YOU to do something to make it go away.

*pause*

If there was ever any indication where the 'codie' came from -
I'm betting it's in this neighborhood.

Last I checked...
parents - are already grown ups.
They can handle their OWN contacts.

WHat *I* saw in that
was family throwing a problem into your lap
for YOU to make it go away.

My example is that my mother did that.
She'd come out with 'I don't ever want to have this again'
and whether or not I had any control over whatever it was-
it was BY GOD my job from then on out
to filter out the world
so SHE never had to cope with whatever it was ...again.

*pause*

I don't know if I'm making any sense,
but ... they can block their own phone
they can say 'leave us alone'... whatever.
To him. To his face. THemselves.

Rather than dump it all in your lap.

I don't know if I'm getting this across...
but I "saw" them throw you in the middle of this whole escalating thing
not with supportive assistance or backup
but because they'd been ... disturbed.

Is this getting across?

so now you've not only got to deal with the situation
or an unstable using ex ...
but now
you've got to 'protect' their .. whatever ... sensibilities? serenity?

They put you in a place where now you've got to placate BOTH sides.

I hope that came across.
I'm not saying 'do this' or 'do that'
I'm trying to communicate a dynamic here
that I am willing to wager
has existed ever since ... well ... ever.

And I hope you'll take it in the spirit intended
as pointing out something that's ... so established
and deeply ingrained that you didn't even notice it
you just jumped exactly how you were taught to jump.

I'd like to put forth the possibility
that the ex hasn't been able to upset you
hasn't been able to intimidate or push or manipulate you
so he went to the next source
that he KNEW would force you to REact instead of Mindfully ... act.

He knew your family would make you react
when HE...hasn't been able to get to you.

make sense?


SOmething to consider before we all go flying off in all directions.
It may be exactly what he wants.
To knock you off center.
Did it work?

*going back of to left field now*
I didn't mean to upset anyone.
That's all.

bookwyrm

What Barb said. ^^^^
Oh spiky one, - great post!

JenT1968

I am so sorry you are having to deadl with this, it is horrible on many many levels.

It may be worth consulting a lawyer about the specifics of oversees travel.

Here in the UK, all people with PR have to agree to oversees travel, however in practice if they disagree, then the parent wanting to stop their child travelling has to apply to the court for a prohibitive steps order to specifically block the travel, and has to prove significant risk of a permanent flight, even then the rule of thumb is that reasonable travel (usually defined as visiting oversees for 1 month or less) is very, very rarely blocked by the courts. So if I want to take the kids to france for a week, I go, unless he gets it together enough to apply for, pursue and obtain a PSO through the court system (odds of being granted are zero for a one week trip when they live with me full-time are still enroled in schools here and I have a job here). The devil can be in the detail and it may be best to find that out.

There are defined lists of what the courts currently agree that any person with PR can decide independently of each other (only one signature is required for a passport for example), all have to agree on which school they attend, however only one parent's signature is required to enrole them, so again if they don't agree the one who disagreees with the school they are going to has to apply for a particular order for there child to go to another school and prove why it would be a better choice for the child.

in the UK, even being a convicted of molesting your own child is no guarantee of contact stopping. There are contact centres where a parent can be ordered to have supervised visitation can be ordered (for all manner of reasons: alcohol and drug use by a parent being one of them), talk to your lawyer about the possibility of offering this? if he is willing to "do anything" to see DD, this would be a way of offering safe contact (and keeping you out of his reach), he would then have to show how willing he actually was to "do anything" by consistently turning up (or not, which is far more likely). Either way he then couldn't legally argue that you were blocking contact.

just things to consider, as I know zippo about the canadian legal system (()).

nodaybut2day

Thank you Jen and Barb for your posts...

Barb, not at all upset about your post. It gave me something to think about. You're absolutely right in that I'm so trained to JUMP if my family says something, mostly because I'm so used to trying to protect them, especially from XAH. But, in the last few months, I've gotten used to the emails whether they were threatening or not, and I just keep going with my life. I guess I just keep telling myself that XAH knows my address, knows all three of my numbers, and has yet to actually call me to try to discuss visitation. I assumed that he is being lazy, just as he was during our entire marriage, and he finds it easier to send off emails from his Crackberry whenever he gets bored or drunk.

Jen, I've considered going to court to petition for permission to travel with DD for a set amount of time. I believe it would be granted, seeing as I have no intention whatsoever of fleeing to another country. I'd just really like to see Europe someday, and I thought DD would benefit from travelling with me. However, going to court means proving that I've tried everything to contact XAH and obtain his permission, and that denied it to me...at which point the court would simply grant me the right if I produce return plane tickets showing when I will be returning. Obviously going through the court system might be expensive and lengthy, but it's possible...I just want to avoid ANY contact with XAH because he's so damn toxic.

The same can be said about DD getting any contact with XAH. First off, at the moment, she doesn't speak any English. Second, she doesn't remember XAH at all. And third, I have no grounds whatsoever for asking for supervised visitation (he never hit me or DD, and his alcoholism/drug use isn't proven either). So, the only way to keep him from seeing DD is doing what I am doing now...which is walking a very fine line. Thankfully, he has no money to take me to court, nor has he the time and patience to deal with the Québec court system. Those are my two saving graces...

Buffalo66

I think you are a great mom for recognizing the danger in letting a two year old be alone with him.

I am sorry. He does sound like a total sociopath. If his mother feels that way, too, then that is not to be taken lightly.

I am so sorry for this. Luckily mine did not fight too hard when he was still a dangerous mess. I was able to let him see his son, for a few hours here and there, and he got his fill.
I would try a consult with a different lawyer, maybe one with a more aggressive tack.

barb dwyer

LOL

I actually came back today to check on this post -

I was working on some serious sleep deprivation
(pain - boring topic for me)

and was worried I wasn't making sense.

whew!