PHIZ007

Hi guys...well I am working very hard on myself this week and I am in great form! But Trying and sometimes achieving detaching with love from my AH...not always easy but I seem to be geting better at it (lets face it....its better than wanting to hit him on the head with a heavy based frying pan...and that is how I have felt at times!!....funny though it my sound today)....today I am in a good place.

anyway I got to thinking about what it might be like from his point of view. I know there are many recovering/recovered alcoholics on his board and I am really keen to hear what it was like for them, how they really feel/felt about their wives/children etc etc.

Just to summarise for many of you that haven't 'met' me previously....We have recently moved to the UK after 11 years in Australia. I am from the UK but moved to Australia when we met in 1999. I had no experience of alcoholism, no idea atall that He was an alcoholic until some years later....well we now have 3 beautiful children and I am trying very hard to keep balance in their lives and thats why we moved back to the UK. My mum isn't well aswell and I needed the love and support of my family.It was tough bringing up 3 children so far away especially when My darling H is an alcoholic. I am not sure what the future holds with us as a couple yet because the first step for me was to get me and our children back to the UK....I can now tick that off the list! I am now organising schools etc and can't think past that yet! So thats a quick summary...

We live together and I am trying to detach and getting better all the time. He pretty much drinks two bottles of wine every single night 365 nights a year......as you can imagine this doesn't tie in too well with family life.....he is way passed conversing by 8pm every night!! I of course have lived with this for a long time.....I enjoy my life and I do things with or without him. When he gets verbally abusive after a bottle or so it does S**t me big time!!...he never apologises EVER and I got to wondering recently how he really must feel.......how it really must be from his side.....during the day he is kind, gentle, loving and just lovely to be around but at night it can be the complete opposite! He is a wonderful provider (financially) and he works hard to provide for us....and for that I am thankful.He has lots of good qualties (as most do!) but of course the two bottles of wine is also part of the package! He would never speak to me during the day like that atall....Dr J and Mr H I Guess!

I began to realise recently as the verbal outbursts became more regular that maybe he doesn't actually remember them... Idon't bother anymore to remin him! been there done that and moved on.....could this be true?....

How does he really feel? I know he knows he lets us down (he told me that along time ago....but of course the bottle still wins!) and I feel like during the day he is always trying to make up for the behaviour/absents his drinking brings to the whole family.....he says he loves me (tells m all the time...the childre too) and tells me we are the most important thing in his life....I truly believe he does want that to be true but I also know the bottle comes first after 6pm!

anyway I hope I am making some sense and for those that my be in postion to tell me what it is like from the A's side your input would be greatly appreciated.

Wishing everyone good day......and good thoughts to any of us who may be struggling a little this week.

I look forward to your responses....thank you for reading.

Take Care All Phiz

lc1972

I think if you post this on the other groups you might get more response from the recovery side.

I have to say though I found the comment about the frying pan hilarious. When I was a kid my father walked home after wrecking his 3rd vehicle by hitting a telephone pole. How he got home no one know he had severe internal bleeding. Anyway he came in and passed out so my mom called an ambulance. He came too and refused to go, so my mom said if I hit him on the head with a frying pan will you take him??? They looked at her and lectured her that it is assault. They left, my dad passed out again and my mom went running after them and brought them back. Boy were they looking at her funny

PHIZ007

Lol about the frying pan! I am glad it amused you :0) and thanks for the advice I will have a look and post it on some of he other forums too.

Take Care Phiz

lc1972

I recorded my AH to prove to him his behavior change. He would argue with me that he is not that bad. I will not suggest anyone do it as you never know what your addict may do. I did because I knew that if he saw how he was around the kids he would not be mad about it. My husband truly did and maybe still does not realize how bad he was. The kids did not know if fun dad was coming home or snappy dad. He was never mean or over the top, but enough of a change that it confused the kids, he was better at home after he saw it.

barb dwyer

Hi Phizz!

Glad to read you're getting settled in!

I wasn't 'abusive' when I drank
unless you were a customer (or someone I already didn't like)
and you'd pi$$ me off.
Then - it was open season.

I've recently been told several times
(I seem to be 'running into' old customers, etc lately)
I was a 'happy' drunk for the most part
and very entertaining.

But get on my 'bad' side
and there'd be no returning to my good graces.

I think maybe it'd be a good thread to post over in the alcoholism forums as well.

Eight Ball

Hi Phizz

Good for you for moving back close to your family for support. I have felt very alone many times living with an alcoholic on the other side of the world. (We moved away from the UK about 6 yrs ago) I love Australia though, so if I ever decided to leave my AH, I would definitely stay here but live on my own.

Your description of you AH is so similar to my own, that I nodded in agreement a few times as I read it.

Both of my daughters have left home and its just the two of us and my husband is asleep by 8pm, works too hard and barely takes time off from work. It is very, very lonely sitting on your own in the evenings, going on holiday on your own (which I do) and I am personally re-evaluating if this is the life that I want in my old age. I am currently in a bad place!

Occasionally, I read (and post) the posts in the 'alcoholic' section as you get a slightly different skew on what we are experiencing as the loving wives etc. Just the other day, someone wrote on there about there own recovery and if the wife didn't like how they were dealing with it, it was tough luck. (something like that!) It made we wince a bit, difficult to read and take in from their perspective.

My own husband tells me he loves me every day and that I am important to him. This frustrates me no end because if he had to choose I know that he would choose alcohol over me. I wrestle with the notion that maybe I am enabling him just by staying married to him and living with him. Dr Phil sees alcoholism as a deal breaker and another writer I read recently said that she had to get the courage to leave her husband for him to change. Its too easy to say they love you and want to be with you but then they love alcohol more. Sorry, this is the part of your post that 'caught' me and I'm a bit fragile!

From the alcoholics point of view - I would reiterate - nothing stopping you from reading or posting in the alcoholics section of SR. I find it quite enlightening sometimes when I pay a visit. And wishing you well with your adventures back in the UK.

KittyP

Does your husband ever admit that his drinking is a problem?

PHIZ007

Thanks for the insight so far guys....it is much appreciated and Yes Kitty he does admit its a problem, he knows its a problem (when he's sober).

Thanks again guys I think it will be interesting what I learn from the responses

Phiz

Thumper

I'm not an alcoholic. I really think my xah loved me. I also think he had a lot of resentment and anger that he was not expressing and communicating and it builds up and comes out at the wrong people, over silly things, in inappropriate situations. That happened to me and I didn't have alcohol fueling it- which pushes it over the edge to irrational.

Tuffgirl

Wow - I am still amazed at the timing of posts and the day I am having!

PHIZ - do you have any other alcoholics in your life? If not, go to an AA meeting. And check out the "alcoholism" forum here. The others are right about good insights over there. I have several trusted long time RAH's that I talk to regularly. One is a "double winner" - a term used when someone is in AA and Al-Anon. They are sanity-savers and great to answer all the "why's" rattling around in my head.

My husband is about 60 (?) days into AA and only got a sponsor when I moved out. He was (still is?) a very high functioning alcoholic. Has a great job, nice car, no DUI's, no trouble with the police, family HAD NO IDEA, blah blah blah. He is my second husband; we married 1.5 years ago after a 2 year relationship, one in which we lived together. I have two teenage daughters from my first marriage. AH and I have no children together. I have read a lot of posts here on SR before I ever posted myself, and I realize I had it pretty easy - kind of like you. He was a complete a*hole when he drank, but was the most amazing, charming, intelligent man I have ever met when he wasn't. However, unlike you - I couldn't detach and I fought back A LOT. I didn't know what I was dealing with - this is my first experience with an alcoholic - and just thought this guy had a serious attitude/gratitude problem. Shoot, he had gotten everything he SAID he wanted, why was he complaining all the time? I am also pretty assertive - his behavior of me was not OK in any way, especially when it happened when the girls were upstairs and could hear every nasty word. Some of those nasty words were mine, I admit. But he was truly Dr. J and Mr. H, just like you describe.

I left him three weeks ago. It was a final straw for me - plus having been to Al-Anon and reading everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism, I realized I was making empty threats for a long time and it was time to make good. He was pretty nasty to me during a brief morning conversation...or should I say was behaving normally?! Anyway - he had only been in AA for about a month and was really dry-drunking it and trying to intellectualize his way out of the program and I just said ENOUGH! Packed up our stuff and went to my Mom's, where I am today. I felt like an enabler - in the sense that he couldn't get serious about AA until he could no longer blame his problems on the marriage - that never even had a chance in hell to begin with, I might add!

Just last night we had a pretty honest talk about drinking in his life. It was late - I have been having insomnia, and I called and woke him up with the question, "When did you REALLY know you had a drinking problem?" He countered that with something that was very startling to me - he said, "I don't have a drinking problem. I drink just fine. Hell, I drink GREAT! I have a sobriety problem". I've heard other RAH's say a similar thing: I can quit anytime I want; staying quit is a whole 'nother issue!

He loves us, he wants us to move back home, he is devastated and humiliated. But I am afraid he is not quite humble enough yet, but he is getting there. Every time we talk I hear little things that he has never said before about his life and just HOW STINKIN' LONG he has really been drinking. I know it was A LOT, but didn't know how long this had been going on.

I realize today that my leaving was for me - the side benefit was his getting serious about AA and getting a sponsor. This was for me to step aside from it all and clear my head and try to heal my broken heart. To make a stand in front of my teenage daughters that its not ok for men to treat woman like this, drunk or not. That is isn't my problem to fix - it is his and he'll need to fix it. I found the courage to change me, knowing I couldn't change him. And I am a work in progress, that's for sure. But I now know what I am dealing with and the clarification is amazing!

He tells me he always thought he could control this. Up until the day that I told him AA or we're outta here. He talked of alcohol as being that friend that was there for you, rain or shine, that eventually sneaks up behind you and stabs you in the back! So you run away from that friend but after a few days you go back because the stab doesn't feel so bad now, and (as people say here) wash, rinse, repeat! And when he'd go back, he'd sink a little deeper each time - kind of like people who yo-yo diet and seem to put back the weight they lost and then some! He would go back and start drinking more each time. He said he just lost control eventually. And because his perspective was pointing outward - he was able to rationalize this with blaming external events (me, the Democrats, global warming, zombies, etc.). Like having blinders on all the time. He picked fights with me, I'd react, he'd react, and then blame me for fighting with him. Yeesh - it was exhausting after a while.

Anyway - I am rambling on this morning because I was thinking of the very same thing last night so I simply asked him to describe it to me. And I know, even though I don't feel it right now, I know he loves me and the girls more than anything. But his old friend alcohol had first place in his life until he got to AA, and only time will tell if that old friend comes knocking at his door again, and if he'll answer this time.

It sounds like you are by far better at detachment than I am, and I respect the heck out of that! For me, detachment needed to be physical in order for it to be successful. Your AH sounds like mine - functions very well except in the privacy of your home where the facade falls apart every night.

I've often wondered, and did ask a few times, what would THEY do if the shoe were on the other foot? How long would he have stayed with me if I was the alcoholic?

Anyway - reach out to as many RAH's as you can find, and consider Al-Anon. There are a lot of good books out there, as well. Google "alcoholism and marriage" and you'll be amazed at all of the resources that come up. We can never truly understand, but we can learn to have empathy and compassion. That's what I am working on today!

Thanks for the post. I needed it today just as much as you did!

KittyP

And does he (as best you can tell) want to deal with the problem? Has he made any attempt at all to get better?

Tuffgirl

PHIZ - read a great book recently that you may find enlightening.

"Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. Helped to put alcoholism into a different perspective for me (well, most days, at least!)

PHIZ007

Thank you so much guys for your honest responses of how it can be from the other side. I really appreciate each and everyones input.

It is terribly to watch the person you love struggle so much with addiction......I have lots to think about...... but I am in a good place and thank goodness for SR...it keeps me sane.

And Kitty....there have been no attempts at recovery yet on his side. He went to see a physcologist a few years ago and I was "invited" along...where all his problems were dumped on my side for the dfficulties in our marriage......as time went on the Physc could see exactly what the score was. He told my husband he thought he was an alcoholic and to seek recovery because if not he would possible loose everything..........My AH then stopped going as he said that he couldn't go any further with this Physc as he my husband knew what he had to do.....but to date has done nothing to attempt recovery.....and so the cycle continues for him. I haven't tried Alanon yet and I will definately be looking at that when we move into town from a village out in the sticks!! We have just moved back to the UK from Australia and I only just have this week my children in school so I have been juggling a few things! I read alot and hang out on SR and feel I am making progress....I am comforable with my progress so far and really appreciate all I learn here.

And for those that are struggling right now....keep reading keep posting and keep reaching out.

Thanks again all Take care Phiz

KittyP

Do you think there is any possibility he will talk to his GP (if when you get one) about his drinking? The NHS run community alcohol teams in most areas. Depending on availability it can take a few months to get a place on them, so if there is anyway you could get him to get on the waiting list, perhaps once a place is available he'd be willing to go along?

The CATs are medicine and psychology based and he'd have a specialist contact, personal counselling, group counselling and he'd see a doctor who could advise him about his physical health and any medications he might need to help with withdrawl/anxiety/cravings.

Perhaps next time you talk to him about his drinking, you could ask him to go to his GP and get a liver function blood test. Then his doctor may actually suggest referring him to the CAT.

It's just that they are a very good resource in the UK and they are free.