My alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
twinkle *hugs*
I understand the need for a relationship 'post mortem'. We (people that is) seem to have an inherent need for closure and understanding, to put the realtionship to bed and say goodbye, to speak to the other party to make sense of it all. Or we think we do..
It is possible to do all of those things without the other party. Coming here, Al-anon, talking to other people who have been there done it and got the t-shirt, talking to a therapist, talking to family and friends.. all of the above are ways you can do that without the A.
It's ok to be scared. But (and trust me on this) you will be o.k. Life doesn't throw anything at us we can't handle.. and often, what seems to be a terrible situation turns out to be one from which we grow and gain strength.
I understand the need for a relationship 'post mortem'. We (people that is) seem to have an inherent need for closure and understanding, to put the realtionship to bed and say goodbye, to speak to the other party to make sense of it all. Or we think we do..
It is possible to do all of those things without the other party. Coming here, Al-anon, talking to other people who have been there done it and got the t-shirt, talking to a therapist, talking to family and friends.. all of the above are ways you can do that without the A.
It's ok to be scared. But (and trust me on this) you will be o.k. Life doesn't throw anything at us we can't handle.. and often, what seems to be a terrible situation turns out to be one from which we grow and gain strength.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Growth happens when you get out of your comfort zone.
If you think you keep ending up with jerk boyfriends and you're afraid of meeting new people, take the time while your foot heals up, to make friends with yourself. If you can do that, the good people will start coming your way.
Sounds like you need some closure with this fella. Try journaling or as others have suggested, talk to us about it.
If you think you keep ending up with jerk boyfriends and you're afraid of meeting new people, take the time while your foot heals up, to make friends with yourself. If you can do that, the good people will start coming your way.
Sounds like you need some closure with this fella. Try journaling or as others have suggested, talk to us about it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Twinkle,
As a recovering alcholic, I can only say that your exBF will continue on drinking until he alone makes the decision to stop. And he will likely be alone at that point, having burned every last bridge. That's just how it works. AA talks about being restored to sanity. I originally thought it was a pile of BS, but that's the nature of insanity, you can't objectively judge what you see and feel as not being real or rational.
Be thankful for what good your ex brought into your life (even if the main benefit was learning about the disease) and move on. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can ever be his guide. Alcoholics don't want guides, they want sherpas to carry their load for them. Sorry to put it that way, but it's usually the case.
Wishing you peace, love and pancakes. (I love pancakes)
Eddie
As a recovering alcholic, I can only say that your exBF will continue on drinking until he alone makes the decision to stop. And he will likely be alone at that point, having burned every last bridge. That's just how it works. AA talks about being restored to sanity. I originally thought it was a pile of BS, but that's the nature of insanity, you can't objectively judge what you see and feel as not being real or rational.
Be thankful for what good your ex brought into your life (even if the main benefit was learning about the disease) and move on. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can ever be his guide. Alcoholics don't want guides, they want sherpas to carry their load for them. Sorry to put it that way, but it's usually the case.
Wishing you peace, love and pancakes. (I love pancakes)
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by tallulah 
That right there... great analogy.
I know it really sucks to be in this position, especially when you can see the good in him. I have found that to be one of my greatest assets that has the tendency to become my worst shortcoming...seeing the "good" in people to the point of blindness to the "bad". When the blinders come off, I sit back and think WTF was I thinking?!
Don't be a sherpa for anyone. It gets you nowhere and leaves you with nothing but a back-ache.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
I feel like I wrote this post, that's how similar my situation is to yours.
At the beginning of my relationship, he acted sweet and caring, he wasn't drinking a lot. He was doing triathlons and marathons. After 6 months, he quit the athletic activities and started drinking heavily. When I would talk to his friends when I was concerned about his drinking, they would say "don't worry, he is half as bad as he was a year or 2 ago!" I figured it was just a phase, but it went on like this for an entire year.
6 weeks ago, he broke up with me completely out of the blue. Prior to this, I had a back injury that lasted for 3 months, and he was completely unsupportive. He kept telling me I needed to snap out of it and not be upset. He would come home so wasted to the point of not being able to speak or walk. I felt like it was my fault, because he would always blame it on. When he dumped me, he told me that I caused his drinking problem and that i was "a weak-minded dependent leech" who he could "control" because he knew he could do better than me.
I was devastated, and still am a little, but I honestly can say that I am in the same boat as you. It is not our fault, it is theirs, and they will struggle with this addiction their whole lives, even if they are "cured" by therapy. Good luck to you
At the beginning of my relationship, he acted sweet and caring, he wasn't drinking a lot. He was doing triathlons and marathons. After 6 months, he quit the athletic activities and started drinking heavily. When I would talk to his friends when I was concerned about his drinking, they would say "don't worry, he is half as bad as he was a year or 2 ago!" I figured it was just a phase, but it went on like this for an entire year.
6 weeks ago, he broke up with me completely out of the blue. Prior to this, I had a back injury that lasted for 3 months, and he was completely unsupportive. He kept telling me I needed to snap out of it and not be upset. He would come home so wasted to the point of not being able to speak or walk. I felt like it was my fault, because he would always blame it on. When he dumped me, he told me that I caused his drinking problem and that i was "a weak-minded dependent leech" who he could "control" because he knew he could do better than me.
I was devastated, and still am a little, but I honestly can say that I am in the same boat as you. It is not our fault, it is theirs, and they will struggle with this addiction their whole lives, even if they are "cured" by therapy. Good luck to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome Pinklee-
We are glad you found us, but sorry you need us.
I experienced similar emotions with my loved one living with alcoholism. This disease is really hard on everyone that it impacts.
We are glad you found us, but sorry you need us.
I experienced similar emotions with my loved one living with alcoholism. This disease is really hard on everyone that it impacts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Hi Twinkle,
What a lot of great advice, plenty to take in but I'm sure you'll heed it. What I found living with a drinker is we fall into habits of acceptance, and the good days or weeks help us forget the crap-until it inevitably resurfaces.
I have finally confronted my partner R , and I think she is shocked that I no longer behave like a co- dependant. I also found in recent months that even when R wasn't drinking she was verbally abusive-to the point of bullying. I had difficult restraining myself at times-but of course it's always wise to walk away.
We are still under the same roof but in an uneasy stand off-she has no money now to buy drink-but she ain't confronting the issue.
best of luck
What a lot of great advice, plenty to take in but I'm sure you'll heed it. What I found living with a drinker is we fall into habits of acceptance, and the good days or weeks help us forget the crap-until it inevitably resurfaces.
I have finally confronted my partner R , and I think she is shocked that I no longer behave like a co- dependant. I also found in recent months that even when R wasn't drinking she was verbally abusive-to the point of bullying. I had difficult restraining myself at times-but of course it's always wise to walk away.
We are still under the same roof but in an uneasy stand off-she has no money now to buy drink-but she ain't confronting the issue.
best of luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
Hi everyone,
I stumbled across this forum after searching online about alcoholism, and I need some advice.
I was with my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years, living with him for most of it. The first 6 months of our relationship was wonderful...he would take me on vacations, shower me with gifts and compliments, and tell me he loved me. He was quite the athlete, but after 6 months he stopped working out completely. For the next year, he drank heavily. After various work functions or dinner meetings he had during the week, he would come home completely hammered to the point where he couldn't speak or walk. And these were just the weekdays, such as a Tuesday or Wednesay. On weekends, he would drink to the point of dancing wildly in the bar, ripping off his shirt, and yelling. Many times he would yell at me when he was drunk, but I brushed it off due to the fact that he was the nicest person when he was sober. He is high up in his company, and I figured that someone that successful could never function as an alcoholic. I brushed the whole thing off as him being a party animal 25/26 year old. He constantly told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. We were in the process of getting a puppy and we were looking online at new apartments to move into.
Then all of a sudden he started acting weird for a few days. He said he was "unhappy with life" and that he felt like a "lame 26 year old in NYC who doesn't drink". Since when was he not drinking? He mentioned that he wanted to go to AA, and I told him I would support him. 2 days later, he was still acting irritable and strange, and so I asked him what was wrong, and if it had to do with me. At first he said no, that he was just unhappy. As I pried a little further, he told me he needed space from me. When I said that I didn't want to do a break, he then said we should break up. I was so blindsided. Up until this point, he did not mention to me once that he was upset with our relationship, in fact just the opposite. He wanted to marry me and have children one day.
6 weeks after the breakup, I am still in shock and having a hard time getting back to my life. I'm wondering what went wrong. I talked to him a couple weeks ago, and he told me that he broke up with me because I was a "weak-minded dependent leech" who he "could control" because he "should have been with someone better." He also said that I was the cause of his heavy drinking and lack of exercise the past year. Later he called and apologized, and he said that he had apologized to his family for how he treated them due to his drinking, and that I deserve better. I am still in shock, and I am really sad and don't know what to do. Is he really an alcoholic? Why is he blaming me? Why am I having a hard time realizing that I can do better? Any advice would be extremely helpful. I'm really trying to move on and be positive, but it is extremely difficult. I keep feeling like I did something wrong.
I stumbled across this forum after searching online about alcoholism, and I need some advice.
I was with my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years, living with him for most of it. The first 6 months of our relationship was wonderful...he would take me on vacations, shower me with gifts and compliments, and tell me he loved me. He was quite the athlete, but after 6 months he stopped working out completely. For the next year, he drank heavily. After various work functions or dinner meetings he had during the week, he would come home completely hammered to the point where he couldn't speak or walk. And these were just the weekdays, such as a Tuesday or Wednesay. On weekends, he would drink to the point of dancing wildly in the bar, ripping off his shirt, and yelling. Many times he would yell at me when he was drunk, but I brushed it off due to the fact that he was the nicest person when he was sober. He is high up in his company, and I figured that someone that successful could never function as an alcoholic. I brushed the whole thing off as him being a party animal 25/26 year old. He constantly told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. We were in the process of getting a puppy and we were looking online at new apartments to move into.
Then all of a sudden he started acting weird for a few days. He said he was "unhappy with life" and that he felt like a "lame 26 year old in NYC who doesn't drink". Since when was he not drinking? He mentioned that he wanted to go to AA, and I told him I would support him. 2 days later, he was still acting irritable and strange, and so I asked him what was wrong, and if it had to do with me. At first he said no, that he was just unhappy. As I pried a little further, he told me he needed space from me. When I said that I didn't want to do a break, he then said we should break up. I was so blindsided. Up until this point, he did not mention to me once that he was upset with our relationship, in fact just the opposite. He wanted to marry me and have children one day.
6 weeks after the breakup, I am still in shock and having a hard time getting back to my life. I'm wondering what went wrong. I talked to him a couple weeks ago, and he told me that he broke up with me because I was a "weak-minded dependent leech" who he "could control" because he "should have been with someone better." He also said that I was the cause of his heavy drinking and lack of exercise the past year. Later he called and apologized, and he said that he had apologized to his family for how he treated them due to his drinking, and that I deserve better. I am still in shock, and I am really sad and don't know what to do. Is he really an alcoholic? Why is he blaming me? Why am I having a hard time realizing that I can do better? Any advice would be extremely helpful. I'm really trying to move on and be positive, but it is extremely difficult. I keep feeling like I did something wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Pinklee-
You might want to start your own thread. In my experience you will get more responses directly to your post that way.
I cannot judge if your loved one is an Alcholic, but in my experience it sounds like it created some problems for him, and definately for you. That is all you need to know.
I have a similar story with my relationship with my ex-husband. I heard many of the same things when we were in the process of splitting up. There is an Al-Anon saying called the Three C's
You did not CAUSE it
You cannot CONTROL it
and you cannot CURE it
in other words unless you were holding him down and forcing him to drink, it was not your fault.
What has helped me to deal with my loved one using alcohol is the following
-Participating in individual counseling
-Doing a lot of reading on addiction in general and alcoholism especially (it helped me to figure out what was mine and what was not)
-Attending Al-Anon (which is for family and friends of alcoholics). Don't worry that you are broken up....your life has been impacted by someone else's drinking and that is all that is important. I have been seperated over a year and continue to go regularly for me, because it helps me.
-Reading on co-dependancy, many here especially suggest Melody Beattie Co-Dependent no more which helped me an awful lot.
You might want to start your own thread. In my experience you will get more responses directly to your post that way.
I cannot judge if your loved one is an Alcholic, but in my experience it sounds like it created some problems for him, and definately for you. That is all you need to know.
I have a similar story with my relationship with my ex-husband. I heard many of the same things when we were in the process of splitting up. There is an Al-Anon saying called the Three C's
You did not CAUSE it
You cannot CONTROL it
and you cannot CURE it
in other words unless you were holding him down and forcing him to drink, it was not your fault.
What has helped me to deal with my loved one using alcohol is the following
-Participating in individual counseling
-Doing a lot of reading on addiction in general and alcoholism especially (it helped me to figure out what was mine and what was not)
-Attending Al-Anon (which is for family and friends of alcoholics). Don't worry that you are broken up....your life has been impacted by someone else's drinking and that is all that is important. I have been seperated over a year and continue to go regularly for me, because it helps me.
-Reading on co-dependancy, many here especially suggest Melody Beattie Co-Dependent no more which helped me an awful lot.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
the rollercoaster
My story is similar. My exBF of just days now is a "recovering" heroin addict. We are both 30. We have been on a rollercoaster since the relationship started. He was not using to my knowledge when I met him however I was aware of his past drug use. And so it goes...
We fell madly in love and 3 months later everything went downhill fast. First it was lying...then cheating...then more lying...then relapse...then more pain that I thought one human could ever endure. Of course there were great times. That is why I have held on. This was all over the course of one year in which he broke up with me at least 10 times. So I moved on with my life against a lot of resistance and we still talked. He convinced me almost a year later to give him another chance. He was not injecting heroin and had not been for several months. But that was not enough. He was still drinking and smoking marijuana daily. I fooled myself to think he was clean because I myself was addicted to him. I believed that love might just conquer all. He then took me on yet another rollercoaster ride and then broke up with me again.
Bottom line...When it was good it was amazing and when it was bad I was left feeling empty, alone. confused, and hurt. Basically in Hell. That is addiction. The love died with the first harmful lie and I could have seen it coming from a mile away. All of the red flags were there for me from the start. It is a pattern that I had to keep repeating until I finally could learn from my mistakes. I did not need to learn from his mistakes and think that loving him without reciprocation was acceptable. I needed to realize that I have a pattern of being a codependent in romantic relationships as an ACOA. So I have dated many forms of addicts only to come to one of the most difficult- heroin. All of this was to experience my own healing which I have finally and painfully come to realize. I know now that I need to do this outside of a romantic relationship before I can consider entering into a new relationship. I am sobering up so to speak and getting him out of my system. And when the old hurt comes up it feels like detox. Lies, pain, fear, manipulation, abuse, blaming and the list goes on. I had to hit my own bottom and admit my own problem and realize that I am worthy of love and I do not have the power to save him. So I choose saving myself. I still love him and yearn for him everyday. I do not know if that will go away. But I care enough about myself to make a change.
Whether you are the one to jump off the rollercoaster or the one to be thrown off the rollercoaster, the landing hurts. Others may help to soften the landing with support and love. But what if the rollercoaster actually did not exist but it is just a story we make up. Maybe the rollercoaster is a delusion and if we can stop buying in to the story then we can overcome our own addiction.
One day at a time. Through tears of pain and joy. I will fight to save my own life. Immerse yourself with people who love you and with the things that bring you the most joy. And when it hurts, pray and breathe. Hold tight...let go light...
We fell madly in love and 3 months later everything went downhill fast. First it was lying...then cheating...then more lying...then relapse...then more pain that I thought one human could ever endure. Of course there were great times. That is why I have held on. This was all over the course of one year in which he broke up with me at least 10 times. So I moved on with my life against a lot of resistance and we still talked. He convinced me almost a year later to give him another chance. He was not injecting heroin and had not been for several months. But that was not enough. He was still drinking and smoking marijuana daily. I fooled myself to think he was clean because I myself was addicted to him. I believed that love might just conquer all. He then took me on yet another rollercoaster ride and then broke up with me again.
Bottom line...When it was good it was amazing and when it was bad I was left feeling empty, alone. confused, and hurt. Basically in Hell. That is addiction. The love died with the first harmful lie and I could have seen it coming from a mile away. All of the red flags were there for me from the start. It is a pattern that I had to keep repeating until I finally could learn from my mistakes. I did not need to learn from his mistakes and think that loving him without reciprocation was acceptable. I needed to realize that I have a pattern of being a codependent in romantic relationships as an ACOA. So I have dated many forms of addicts only to come to one of the most difficult- heroin. All of this was to experience my own healing which I have finally and painfully come to realize. I know now that I need to do this outside of a romantic relationship before I can consider entering into a new relationship. I am sobering up so to speak and getting him out of my system. And when the old hurt comes up it feels like detox. Lies, pain, fear, manipulation, abuse, blaming and the list goes on. I had to hit my own bottom and admit my own problem and realize that I am worthy of love and I do not have the power to save him. So I choose saving myself. I still love him and yearn for him everyday. I do not know if that will go away. But I care enough about myself to make a change.
Whether you are the one to jump off the rollercoaster or the one to be thrown off the rollercoaster, the landing hurts. Others may help to soften the landing with support and love. But what if the rollercoaster actually did not exist but it is just a story we make up. Maybe the rollercoaster is a delusion and if we can stop buying in to the story then we can overcome our own addiction.
One day at a time. Through tears of pain and joy. I will fight to save my own life. Immerse yourself with people who love you and with the things that bring you the most joy. And when it hurts, pray and breathe. Hold tight...let go light...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I'm sorry for your pain but I can't help but say "Halllalujah!!!!"...
Your mom offering you the oppty to move 400 miles from this relationship is God's Grace in action....and you can now walk away guilt free.
He broke up with you...he gave you an out and an excellent oppty came your way. You needed to be free of him and whether you realize it or not...you will be better for it!
So pack your bags, do not...Do NOT...tell him, have a conversation with him, discuss your 'relationship' etc.... use whatever excuse you need to in order to avoid talking to him. You don't owe him a thing.
but I know you seem like a person that would feel bad if you hid all this from him then up and left even though it is because of his own actions that started it...so write a letter.
You can just keep it.....you'll feel better just writing it all down...or mail it...I mean he's going to be 400 miles away... whatever you feel safe doing.
and move on.
You deserve a man that is not an addict.
Keep telling yourself that .....because it is true.
Your mom offering you the oppty to move 400 miles from this relationship is God's Grace in action....and you can now walk away guilt free.
He broke up with you...he gave you an out and an excellent oppty came your way. You needed to be free of him and whether you realize it or not...you will be better for it!
So pack your bags, do not...Do NOT...tell him, have a conversation with him, discuss your 'relationship' etc.... use whatever excuse you need to in order to avoid talking to him. You don't owe him a thing.
but I know you seem like a person that would feel bad if you hid all this from him then up and left even though it is because of his own actions that started it...so write a letter.
You can just keep it.....you'll feel better just writing it all down...or mail it...I mean he's going to be 400 miles away... whatever you feel safe doing.
and move on.
You deserve a man that is not an addict.
Keep telling yourself that .....because it is true.
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