Meeting with the Divorce Lawyer and Other Updates
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Meeting with the Divorce Lawyer and Other Updates
First, let me just say, it is so fabulous to have a place like SR where I can just get off my chest what's going on. I'm not a big sharer with my real life friends, and even the ones I am close to don't really relate like the people here. So, this is a preemptive thank-you-for-listening-to-my-latest-update!
So, I finally got up the nerve to schedule a meeting with a divorce lawyer this week. I did a lot of research, and I got a bunch of referrals. Ironically, I actually am a lawyer, but family law is not my area of practice, and I know enough to know that there is no way I'm representing myself. Also, I wanted to find someone good who I don't know. I just don't want to have any colleagues knowing my business. I have been putting this off for a while, but now I feel like I'm ready. Not that I'm anxious for the meeting, but I really feel like I need to be done with this situation.
Regarding contact with AH, I have maintained NC since Christmas. I freaked out a little bit because AH actually called my parents a little over a week ago and then sent me a long, sad, self-depricating email. But after flipping out a little bit, listening to advice, and thinking about it, I decided to do nothing. I did not respond. I had already told AH that I needed to not have contact, so he is the one that broke the boundary, not me. Also, I told my mom that I would let her know if I decided that I wanted to know what he said to her, but otherwise, not to tell me. Mom said she understood, and she will not talk about it with me unless and until I want to. I think what it comes down to is that it just doesn't matter what he said or didn't say. There is nothing to be gained from knowing, but possibly a lot of guilt and angst could come from it. So, I'm putting down the can opener, and leaving the worms sealed.
I continue to be 100% comfortable that I did the right thing in removing myself from the situation and leaving AH. Without a doubt, I am in a much safer, saner, and healthier environment on my own. However, I am frustrated that I can't just "be over it" by sheer force of will. I am having a hard time being patient with myself. I do NOT want to go back, so I don't struggle with that. But I do struggle with just feeling bad in general.
The feeling bad has kind of turned into a physical thing for me. I am exhausted, achy, and just kind of run down. I have been a committed exerciser for years, and I am really making a conscious effort to get back into my workouts even though I often feel too lethargic. I know the exercise is good, it's just hard. Also, I just can't seem to eat. I'm not intentionally dieting or anything, it's just that nothing sounds good, and I kind of just can't be bothered to eat. I have lost a lot of weight, and I am starting to worry that I am maybe reaching an unhealthy low weight. At the same time, I definitely don't want to gain weight. Also, my insomnia is worse than ever, and I have a really difficult time sleeping in a normal pattern. Anyway, the whole situation has me really out of whack physically.
On the upside, I am consciously making an effort to make new friends and get out of the house. My new year's resolution is to get a life. But again, feeling better just isn't an instant thing. Any crystal balls out there that can tell me when it will be okay again?
So, I finally got up the nerve to schedule a meeting with a divorce lawyer this week. I did a lot of research, and I got a bunch of referrals. Ironically, I actually am a lawyer, but family law is not my area of practice, and I know enough to know that there is no way I'm representing myself. Also, I wanted to find someone good who I don't know. I just don't want to have any colleagues knowing my business. I have been putting this off for a while, but now I feel like I'm ready. Not that I'm anxious for the meeting, but I really feel like I need to be done with this situation.
Regarding contact with AH, I have maintained NC since Christmas. I freaked out a little bit because AH actually called my parents a little over a week ago and then sent me a long, sad, self-depricating email. But after flipping out a little bit, listening to advice, and thinking about it, I decided to do nothing. I did not respond. I had already told AH that I needed to not have contact, so he is the one that broke the boundary, not me. Also, I told my mom that I would let her know if I decided that I wanted to know what he said to her, but otherwise, not to tell me. Mom said she understood, and she will not talk about it with me unless and until I want to. I think what it comes down to is that it just doesn't matter what he said or didn't say. There is nothing to be gained from knowing, but possibly a lot of guilt and angst could come from it. So, I'm putting down the can opener, and leaving the worms sealed.
I continue to be 100% comfortable that I did the right thing in removing myself from the situation and leaving AH. Without a doubt, I am in a much safer, saner, and healthier environment on my own. However, I am frustrated that I can't just "be over it" by sheer force of will. I am having a hard time being patient with myself. I do NOT want to go back, so I don't struggle with that. But I do struggle with just feeling bad in general.
The feeling bad has kind of turned into a physical thing for me. I am exhausted, achy, and just kind of run down. I have been a committed exerciser for years, and I am really making a conscious effort to get back into my workouts even though I often feel too lethargic. I know the exercise is good, it's just hard. Also, I just can't seem to eat. I'm not intentionally dieting or anything, it's just that nothing sounds good, and I kind of just can't be bothered to eat. I have lost a lot of weight, and I am starting to worry that I am maybe reaching an unhealthy low weight. At the same time, I definitely don't want to gain weight. Also, my insomnia is worse than ever, and I have a really difficult time sleeping in a normal pattern. Anyway, the whole situation has me really out of whack physically.
On the upside, I am consciously making an effort to make new friends and get out of the house. My new year's resolution is to get a life. But again, feeling better just isn't an instant thing. Any crystal balls out there that can tell me when it will be okay again?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 71
Hi Sasha, I don't have a crystal ball, but I can relate quite a bit to your situation. I am a lawyer as well (not family law). My AH has been out of the house since Christmas. My new year's resolution was to get a life for myself. I am impatient.
You have taken some really positive actions to improve your life and thats simply awesome! Obviously, these are major changes in your life, and even though they are good ones, change can be difficult. Are you taking time for you, to do things you enjoy and to let out all of the emotions you may be experiencing because of these changes? Do your journal your feelings? Its easy to focus on work and other things, but maybe your emotions need an outlet?
I'm still trying to negotiate this process for myself, so I certainly don't have any answers for anyone else. Just know that you are not alone!
You have taken some really positive actions to improve your life and thats simply awesome! Obviously, these are major changes in your life, and even though they are good ones, change can be difficult. Are you taking time for you, to do things you enjoy and to let out all of the emotions you may be experiencing because of these changes? Do your journal your feelings? Its easy to focus on work and other things, but maybe your emotions need an outlet?
I'm still trying to negotiate this process for myself, so I certainly don't have any answers for anyone else. Just know that you are not alone!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by SashaMB 
There is nothing to be gained from knowing, but possibly a lot of guilt and angst could come from it. So, I'm putting down the can opener, and leaving the worms sealed.
Your recovery is showing and it looks beautiful on you!
Thank you for taking the time to share an update on your life. We care about you, and I am sending you encouragement and support!
I don't have the crystal ball, but I do remember the same symptoms of lethargy, weight loss and wishing it would all just go away.
The dreaded slogan of: This too shall pass
Turns out it is true! The slogan just doesn't come with a time line guarantee.
I had to keep doing the next right thing and put one foot in front of the other. I don't know when it happened, but it did happen!
I can also recommend checking in with your doctor for assistance with some of the physical symptoms. I tried adjusting my supplements with different ingredients and different brands. I also focused on eating whole, natural foods. I eventually sought medical assistance from my doctor.
You do what works for you and keep paying attention to your instincts! You will be ok!
Give yourself a hug and one more from me
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi sasha-
well done in not responding to his email!
as for the lack of interest in eating, consider getting a good juicer and just juicing a whole bunch of dark greens and fruit and drinking it in the morning, instead of coffee. that way, you'll be getting all of the nutrition you need, without forcing yourself to eat.
i drink 32oz green juice in the morning and it sets me up for the day. i also discovered that i sleep better if i drink fresh juice.
naive
well done in not responding to his email!
as for the lack of interest in eating, consider getting a good juicer and just juicing a whole bunch of dark greens and fruit and drinking it in the morning, instead of coffee. that way, you'll be getting all of the nutrition you need, without forcing yourself to eat.
i drink 32oz green juice in the morning and it sets me up for the day. i also discovered that i sleep better if i drink fresh juice.
naive
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Sasha - I am excited for you!
I, too, remember the lethargy. I still have it, at least sometimes - I haven't made it in to work on time yet this year, but I'm working it.
I try to take Iron pills when I remember, as they're supposed to help you use energy more efficiently, and not be so lethargic. They help a little.
I love juice, naive is right about that, although I have been drinking orange juice (the expensive kind when I can afford to get some) and apple cider.
I try to journal when I can, and I recently reconnected with my uncle who I haven't seen for about 10 years, but he lives 20 minutes from me. We're hoping to meet sometime this weekend maybe - he's checking with his aunt.
I also try to keep an idea of the little tasks that need to be done to work towards my goal of having my own life, separate from his. When I finish each little thing, I try to plan some sort of reward for myself. (I finally called my apartment to fix the drain in the bathtub - it won't keep the water in - so after this whole move is over and the drain is fixed I am having a giant, soothing soak.)
My therapist keeps pushing me to start practicing my instruments again and join a local band of my choice. I haven't picked them up in years, so not sure how this will go, but it is an easy way to meet people, especially if you play a less popular instrument. It will be good for me, even if I decide not to stick with it.
I, too, remember the lethargy. I still have it, at least sometimes - I haven't made it in to work on time yet this year, but I'm working it.
I try to take Iron pills when I remember, as they're supposed to help you use energy more efficiently, and not be so lethargic. They help a little.
I love juice, naive is right about that, although I have been drinking orange juice (the expensive kind when I can afford to get some) and apple cider.
I try to journal when I can, and I recently reconnected with my uncle who I haven't seen for about 10 years, but he lives 20 minutes from me. We're hoping to meet sometime this weekend maybe - he's checking with his aunt.
I also try to keep an idea of the little tasks that need to be done to work towards my goal of having my own life, separate from his. When I finish each little thing, I try to plan some sort of reward for myself. (I finally called my apartment to fix the drain in the bathtub - it won't keep the water in - so after this whole move is over and the drain is fixed I am having a giant, soothing soak.)
My therapist keeps pushing me to start practicing my instruments again and join a local band of my choice. I haven't picked them up in years, so not sure how this will go, but it is an easy way to meet people, especially if you play a less popular instrument. It will be good for me, even if I decide not to stick with it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I continue to be 100% comfortable that I did the right thing in removing myself from the situation and leaving AH. Without a doubt, I am in a much safer, saner, and healthier environment on my own. However, I am frustrated that I can't just "be over it" by sheer force of will. I am having a hard time being patient with myself. I do NOT want to go back, so I don't struggle with that. But I do struggle with just feeling bad in general.
Are you going to Al-Anon? Seeing a counselor? Because I think venting and getting things off your chest can help. I know it helps me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think you are doing really well. Some of the physical symptoms are normal I think for such a huge life stressor. I experienced all of them and like Pelican said - it will pass. If they linger on certainly see your doctor.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Sasha,
It sounds to me like your mind is exceptionally healthy, detached and objective. I think these are qualities that I'd like to have in my own recovery.
Crystal Ball? No, but I reckon your body will catch up to your mind shortly. I've found taking Vitamin D every morning works wonders for me. I've tried Valerian root before sleep but I get extremely vivid dreams.
Perhaps once you get your workout routine back in place, things will fall in line. You know better than anyone how important exercise is.
It sounds to me like your mind is exceptionally healthy, detached and objective. I think these are qualities that I'd like to have in my own recovery.
Crystal Ball? No, but I reckon your body will catch up to your mind shortly. I've found taking Vitamin D every morning works wonders for me. I've tried Valerian root before sleep but I get extremely vivid dreams.
Perhaps once you get your workout routine back in place, things will fall in line. You know better than anyone how important exercise is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I try to take Iron pills when I remember, as they're supposed to help you use energy more efficiently, and not be so lethargic. They help a little.
"Has no one noticed this?"
Anyway, there was some sort of count in the blood for a women my age, it is supposed to be 12.5, mine was 7.2!
My sister said no wonder you are tired!
I had been scared to death, I thought my damn depression was sneaking up on me again. I felt like I was trying to run through molasses.
But, you can take too much iron, so maybe a visit to the doctor might be a good idea.
Okay, I was rambling again.
Sigh......
I am avoiding things I need to do.
Beth
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Sasha,
Another lawyer here (also not family law). I had to disentangle some property from my last relationship (we weren't married), and it was complicated enough and the stakes were high enough that I got a good (and expensive) lawyer. I saved on my legal fees by drafting a lot of the paperwork and correspondence myself, and just having my lawyer review them and make any suggestions.
It was also wonderful being able to tell my soon-to-be-ex that I didn't want to listen to his bitching and moaning about the property split (which he'd agreed to, in writing), and that he should contact my lawyer if he had any issues with it.
A year after everything was resolved, he sent the lawyer a letter demanding more money. I told her to enclose a copy of the agreement, point out that by our calculations he owed ME money, but that we wouldn't pursue it unless he insisted on being a PITA. Never heard from him again.
Just a thought, if you feel like doing some of the footwork.
Another lawyer here (also not family law). I had to disentangle some property from my last relationship (we weren't married), and it was complicated enough and the stakes were high enough that I got a good (and expensive) lawyer. I saved on my legal fees by drafting a lot of the paperwork and correspondence myself, and just having my lawyer review them and make any suggestions.
It was also wonderful being able to tell my soon-to-be-ex that I didn't want to listen to his bitching and moaning about the property split (which he'd agreed to, in writing), and that he should contact my lawyer if he had any issues with it.
A year after everything was resolved, he sent the lawyer a letter demanding more money. I told her to enclose a copy of the agreement, point out that by our calculations he owed ME money, but that we wouldn't pursue it unless he insisted on being a PITA. Never heard from him again.
Just a thought, if you feel like doing some of the footwork.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Rocky Mountain High
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by SashaMB
The feeling bad has kind of turned into a physical thing for me. I am exhausted, achy, and just kind of run down. I have been a committed exerciser for years, and I am really making a conscious effort to get back into my workouts even though I often feel too lethargic. I know the exercise is good, it's just hard. Also, I just can't seem to eat. I'm not intentionally dieting or anything, it's just that nothing sounds good, and I kind of just can't be bothered to eat. I have lost a lot of weight, and I am starting to worry that I am maybe reaching an unhealthy low weight. At the same time, I definitely don't want to gain weight. Also, my insomnia is worse than ever, and I have a really difficult time sleeping in a normal pattern. Anyway, the whole situation has me really out of whack physically.
Originally Posted by SashaMB
Any crystal balls out there that can tell me when it will be okay again?
I have no idea who wrote this, but I have read this so many times and hope it helps.
Yesterday... Today... and Tomorrow
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day - Today. Any man can fight the battles of just one day; it is only when you or I add the burdens of those two awful eternities - Yesterday - and Tomorrow - that we break down.
It is not the experience of Today that drives men mad - it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Originally Posted by SashaMB
Without a doubt, I am in a much safer, saner, and healthier environment on my own. However, I am frustrated that I can't just "be over it" by sheer force of will. I am having a hard time being patient with myself. I do NOT want to go back, so I don't struggle with that. But I do struggle with just feeling bad in general.
The not wanting to eat and unable to sleep business is scary and sad, and I hope you can find a solution to that soon.
The juicer idea sounds great.
Stay around positive people, listen to upbeat positive music or that relaxes you.
You sound like you are doing great already and that's very admirable.
Thank you for coming here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
since there are so many lawyers posting on this thread, I have a question. Is contacting a pre-paid legal service a good idea for starting the divorce process? I'm trying to figure out the cheapest option but there is jointly owned property so it's not going to be simple.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know zippo about pre-paid legal services, sorry. Maybe somebody else here knows something about them.
As a lawyer (and not a highly-paid one--I work for the government), I don't think I'd use them for something so important. I'd want my own hand-picked lawyer.
As a lawyer (and not a highly-paid one--I work for the government), I don't think I'd use them for something so important. I'd want my own hand-picked lawyer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by boomerlady
since there are so many lawyers posting on this thread, I have a question. Is contacting a pre-paid legal service a good idea for starting the divorce process? I'm trying to figure out the cheapest option but there is jointly owned property so it's not going to be simple.
At a minimum, I would check to see if the lawyer actual specializes in family law, whether s/he has any discipline history (this should be available online at your state's attorney regulation web site), and if possible, check for any reviews or personal referrals. The research part can be daunting, as it is sometimes difficult to tell who is good and who is not. Most attorneys will do a free or low fee initial consultation so you can at least get a feel for whether you feel comfortable with the lawyer before you retain him or her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Generally, my outlook on life is best when I allow myself to have two totally free things:
Water and air.
Drinking TONS of water helps cleanse and hydrate.
Deep breathing at regular intervals in the day definitely helps focus the mind. Some gentle yoga can also help center you.
As for the "not so free" stuff, there's:
Iron and fresh veggie juice (carrots and beets) for energy.
Calm Forte from Hylands to sleep at night.
If you cannot sleep, at least lie quietly in bed, with low light, listening to music or to an audio book, and rest.
It WILL get better. You're just detoxing your system from years of crap. It took me a month or two and then slowly, the fog lifted.
Water and air.
Drinking TONS of water helps cleanse and hydrate.
Deep breathing at regular intervals in the day definitely helps focus the mind. Some gentle yoga can also help center you.
As for the "not so free" stuff, there's:
Iron and fresh veggie juice (carrots and beets) for energy.
Calm Forte from Hylands to sleep at night.
If you cannot sleep, at least lie quietly in bed, with low light, listening to music or to an audio book, and rest.
It WILL get better. You're just detoxing your system from years of crap. It took me a month or two and then slowly, the fog lifted.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The feeling bad has kind of turned into a physical thing for me. I am exhausted, achy, and just kind of run down. I have been a committed exerciser for years, and I am really making a conscious effort to get back into my workouts even though I often feel too lethargic. I know the exercise is good, it's just hard. Also, I just can't seem to eat. I'm not intentionally dieting or anything, it's just that nothing sounds good, and I kind of just can't be bothered to eat. I have lost a lot of weight, and I am starting to worry that I am maybe reaching an unhealthy low weight. At the same time, I definitely don't want to gain weight. Also, my insomnia is worse than ever, and I have a really difficult time sleeping in a normal pattern. Anyway, the whole situation has me really out of whack physically.
Way to go on the No Contact!
Keep up the good work.
You are exactly where you are meant to be and everything is going to be all right.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Today I met with and hired a lawyer. She is going to file the petition tomorrow, and she is pretty confident that this will be pretty simple and completed within 6 months even if STBXAH does not cooperate. In a way, it seems crazy that it could be so easy to file. But it's been a long time coming, so I'm relieved to have the actual divorce in motion.
Thank you for all of the health suggestions; I really appreciate it. I have been going to a yoga class and I am forcing myself to do my workouts. I think eventually my mind and body will catch up to being healthy. I was thinking about maybe seeing a counselor to rule out depression. I certainly don't want to be medicated, but I don't want to be sick either. I am glad to hear that physical symptoms are pretty common for this type of stress. Just waiting for the day when this too shall pass!
I tried to go to a doctor about a month ago for a physical and some advice, and the physician's assistant (NOT a doctor, even though I had to pay for a doctor's visit) didn't do any sort of exam and basically told me that at my age, there is unlikely to be any medical problems, so a physical exam would be pointless. She just wanted to give me sleeping pills and send me on my way. She said I should only be worried if I'd had a big weight loss. I told her that I had, and she basically just shrugged. Needless to say, I will not be returning to that particular clinic.
A friend called and invited me to hang out with her tonight. I'm trying to decide whether it's better to be alone or not alone on a day like today. I'm thinking maybe I will go out and think of it as celebrating my independence day, so to speak. Kind of a "fake it 'til you make it" sort of plan.
Thank you for all of the health suggestions; I really appreciate it. I have been going to a yoga class and I am forcing myself to do my workouts. I think eventually my mind and body will catch up to being healthy. I was thinking about maybe seeing a counselor to rule out depression. I certainly don't want to be medicated, but I don't want to be sick either. I am glad to hear that physical symptoms are pretty common for this type of stress. Just waiting for the day when this too shall pass!
I tried to go to a doctor about a month ago for a physical and some advice, and the physician's assistant (NOT a doctor, even though I had to pay for a doctor's visit) didn't do any sort of exam and basically told me that at my age, there is unlikely to be any medical problems, so a physical exam would be pointless. She just wanted to give me sleeping pills and send me on my way. She said I should only be worried if I'd had a big weight loss. I told her that I had, and she basically just shrugged. Needless to say, I will not be returning to that particular clinic.
A friend called and invited me to hang out with her tonight. I'm trying to decide whether it's better to be alone or not alone on a day like today. I'm thinking maybe I will go out and think of it as celebrating my independence day, so to speak. Kind of a "fake it 'til you make it" sort of plan.
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