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Do you ever pray that they'll get a DUI?

Old 01-25-2011, 12:22 AM
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Do you ever pray that they'll get a DUI?

I have found myself in that position many times with my parents and guardians and then as an adult, boyfriends. I thought that they would be just what they needed to finally get help. Harsh, but effective, it seemed.
I was just wondering if that's common among ACOA's and FAFA's.
(Sorry for the silly acronyms).
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Old 01-25-2011, 12:29 AM
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Yep, I've wished it many times. One reason was that XAH always bragged that he couldn't be an alcoholic because he'd never gotten a DUI or missed work. 1 He was lucky, that's all. 2 Nope he didn't miss work, he just went in still drunk. I used to think that it would be his rock bottom, but I don't think that any more. He just doesn't think the rules apply to him.
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Old 01-25-2011, 12:37 AM
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My XABF who fully admits he is an alcoholic (but *knows* that A.A. would *never* work for him), just got fired for coming into work still drunk or hungover and irate too many times. Didn't make a dent whatsoever. So wow, yeah, um, I guess his bottom is still a long way away
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Old 01-25-2011, 12:54 AM
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I find it amazing. I've never been so much as written up at work for anything; I can't even fathom being fired for cause. XAH went through 5 jobs in 8 months. Drunk, hungover, PO'd or some combo.... How great is the delusion that allows some one to think the problem is other people through that many jobs in that short a time span? No bottom in sight yet...
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Old 01-25-2011, 02:19 AM
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I used to wish AH would get a DUI all the time. I thought that if he got a DUI then I would be able to convince him that his alcohol problem was not just in my head. Because, according to AH, only those who have legal problems or beat their wives are *real* alcoholics. However, that was back when I was convinced that he could be persuaded by logic, reason, and evidence. Since alcoholics don't deal in logic, I have no doubt that if AH had gotten a DUI there would have been yet another excuse, denial, or flat out quack-fest.

But to answer your question, yes, I do think it's common to wish for a big, obvious, tangible consequence to get the alcoholic's attention. Sometimes legal trouble does get their attention. However, until they are ready to get help, they can rationalize the insane, justify the unjustifiable, and continue to try to make you believe you are the one with the problem.
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Old 01-25-2011, 03:47 AM
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Yes, and my AH has received two of them. For a real alcoholic, it doesn't change a thing, except they'll have less money in the bank and even more stress. Plus, you get to hear more quacking: "I wasn't that drunk," "I think the cop felt bad about arresting me," "It wasn't my car that almost sideswiped them," etc.
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Old 01-25-2011, 06:40 AM
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Oh god, yes! a million times! He has the kind of job that if he lost his license from a DUI, he would be fired, and that can't happen, in his mind, $ = being able to purchase alcohol. Quite unbelievable, but he has never gotten a DUI. He's actually said to me a few times, "cops don't pull over middle-aged white men driving a Volvo" Geesh! so, you are not alone in your thinking penny.
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Old 01-25-2011, 06:47 AM
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Didn't work here, AH says 'everyone gets DUI's', I'm sure to minimize the impact of his.

That reminds me though, I need to get the van put into my name so I can carry my own insurance on it.
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Old 01-25-2011, 08:20 AM
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Yep. I even called the PD and told them he comes home drunk nightly and I'm afraid he will end up hurting someone in an accident. They asked for some info, but I'm not sure what they did with it. My AH thinks he is smart when it comes to drinking - he buys/drinks less than a mile from home. He's already lost his job due to drinking (blames it on me though) so I'm not sure a DWI would matter to him. Pancreatitis hasn't been enough to keep him from drinking...
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Old 01-25-2011, 08:37 AM
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Wow, the lengths weve gone through. I too, have given the PD his license plate # and description of his car, because I swear he's gonna kill someone. My AH also buys/drinks close to home.
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Old 01-25-2011, 08:40 AM
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I'm ashamed I've wished all kinds of things. DUI's, trouble at work, I actually wished he'd cheat.

I wished those things to prove something to myself though, not to him, which is even more pathetic.
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Old 01-25-2011, 09:22 AM
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Hi, I'm a newb and this is my first post, but the title caught my eye and I can identify with that feeling so very much. My s/o of 20 years was arrested for DUI 9 years ago. His lawyer advised him to immediately get into AA (and stop drinking of course) and he did what he was told to do. He went to meetings every day, although I could see that he never really embraced the whole 12 step concept and wasn't comfortable with the 'higher power' and religious aspect, but he went and he stayed sober. Right up until his court date and maybe even a while afterwards but he started drinking again, albeit not when he was driving so that was a benefit.
I know he carries a bottle of vodka in his car, and I have been tempted very often to call our local police, anonymously, and report him as a drunk driver, even though he wouldn't be, but if they found the open container, it would still be illegal. That's what happens when you are desperate to help someone you love. I haven't done it, and I haven't been able to get him to get help yet, but I am not giving up even though this relationship is killing me.
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Old 01-25-2011, 09:24 AM
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during one of our many drinking arguments I told my AW that I wished she would get a sign telling her she needed to stop drinking. She interpreted that to mean I wished she would get sick and die. As many times as I tried to explain to her that's NOT WHAT I MEANT she always threw that one in my face...sheesh!
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Old 01-25-2011, 09:28 AM
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Yes Thumper! His job isn't one that he'll lose due to the DUI, but the cheating, I have wished that, to give me that much more motive for divorce.
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Old 01-25-2011, 09:29 AM
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My ABF has had 2 DUIs - one was out of state so it didn't count against him in his home state - and he doesn't generally drive while completely drunk. Still I have seen him have a few beers and then drive. If he was caught again, he would have to serve jail time and lose his license. FYI - his job requires a valid license. Next, he has also gotten up in the morning still drunk/hungover from the night before and driven to work. How he has managed to keep his job when he goes in drunk from the night before is beyond me. Amazing. I think it is only a matter of time before he is caught. He admits now that he has a problem but the only thing he is willing to do is reduce the amount he drinks. hahaha - yeah ok. Ill believe it when I see it...

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Old 01-25-2011, 09:41 AM
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DonnaJL...I am new here too!!! I can't help but notice in your post that you seem to think that it is your responsibility to fix him. I felt that way too. Until I discovered on SR that I am codependent and need to take care of myself. You cannot stop him from drinking. I wish there was a button to push to make them stop but there isn't. Anyway, you have come to the right place! This website is the best thing that ever happened to me. Hands down.
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Old 01-25-2011, 09:52 AM
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I know I cannot fix him, not from lack of trying though. Someone has to step up and help him and if not me, then who? I feel like this is my life too, and it can never be right if I just accept, which is what he tells me I have to do. Just 'accept' that he is a drunk. Not gonna happen. To me, acceptance is defeat and means I will never enjoy the company of the good man that I know lives inside that nasty drunks mind/body. That is the man I love; not that alternate and altered personality.
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Old 01-25-2011, 10:12 AM
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I certainly get angry enough to wish these things on my AW.

I'm also toying with the concept that wishing these things on her still won't change her, therefore, what can I wish for myself to improve me.
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Old 01-25-2011, 11:19 AM
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Oh, I wish it every day! My AS already has one ....which opened this can of alcoholic worms for us.... and it didn't do anything to curb his drinking after the shock wore off. If he gets number two, he'll do some jail time. Maybe that will wake him up....maybe not. Unfortunately I live in a state with very lenient drunk driving laws. It sucks. I don't even know how I will live if he kills someone in a drunk driving accident. How weird....I fear more for his possible victims then for him.
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Old 01-25-2011, 11:59 AM
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Mine has four, FOUR and that didn't stop him from continuing to drink and also drive without a license. The most he had to serve was a 30 day sentence, which he was able to get work release..therefore I was stupid enough to go back and forth everyday to drive him.

The last one he had rolled his truck with a friend and still to this day tries to tell me that he WAS NOT driving and that his friend was. uuuummmm...ok. When I was really covering him up, I seriously came to believe he wasn't driving. He lost his license for a long time and has a restricted license now, which I am not sure if he is totally truthful about.

Anyways, I just wish the laws would be stricter, and they wouldn't be able to get bailed out the next day!

He says, "Everyone drinks and drives, but I just happened to get caught"
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