What's Wrong With ME?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
What's Wrong With ME?
He went for 2 weeks without drinking (which was huge) but he snuck some vodka into his ginger ale today and I just had a feeling. I smelled the bottle on the counter later and I was correct. I confronted him. I just wanted to say to him that he can't have even a drop or it will start again. I also said that without going to AA, it was going to be much harder. I wasn't mean - I was just more matter of fact. He told me to go away.
On that note, I really don't care either way. His alcoholic state has damaged me beyond repair. I have no feelings left after years of emotional and verbal abuse. I've had SO many chances to 'escape'. I went to an Abuse Counsellor for 2 years, who was wonderful and thought by my description of him that he was dangerous and definitely damaging to my psyche. At that time she'd even suggested my going to a shelter, as his outbursts at that time were over the top. I never feared for my physical safety so the only thing I'd really worried about were smear campaigns and I'm not sure what else. Just general fear of really not knowing what he would do.
When he had a heart attack several years ago, he was living in an apartment I'd arranged for him to move into, because I couldn't stand his obsession at that time with looking at photos on porn dating sites. He was with another woman during the heart attack, but he didn't know what the crushing pain was. He drove her home and called me. (I later found an e-mail she'd sent to him saying 'it must have been the great sex'). I took him to the hospital the next night - he'd come over because he was in so much pain. He was admitted immediately and over the next weeks he had several stents put in. I was there for him during that time and he saw that as a sign that I really did love him. I saw it as a sign of compassion for a fellow human being, whom I did share many years with, but love in that way - not so sure.
Anyway - I know I've already covered some of this in my previous posts. What I really don't understand is myself. When I met him I was an attractive woman with a great job. Fast forward 14 years and I suffer from Chronic Pain and have retired on disability. I've brought a lot of money into our r/s over the years (more than him when you minus the cost of alcohol) and I could easily have made it on my own. I had a perfect opportunity, when we finally sold our last house. I would have gotten my share of the equity and I could have walked. I realize that at the time he was drawing me in - for us starting anew in a small town outside the city, and I got hooked on the idea. Just a glimmer of hope, for a change. After complaining for SO many years - I blew the perfect opportunity, because we were (or rather had to be) getting along while having our house renovated and selling. We had to be a team for everything to fall into place and it did - perfectly.
Now, here I am. My feelings for him have not changed. I feel intense anger and hatred for him - which comes in spurts - either that or just nothing. He's trying to get sober - which is good, for the sake of himself and his kids. I just read here about what a long process getting sober really is, and I just don't believe I'll ever be able to feel differently toward him, regardless.
He won't discuss things at all, and when I really want to confront him - when I really try to take a stand - he downplays it. I've told him that I should never have moved here with him, when he's being abusive, and he says 'oh calm down - I'm angry about something else - I'm not angry with you' (even though he's taking it out on me) and somehow I give up everytime. I walk away thinking HE'LL NEVER GET IT - so what's the point? I've worked it all out in my head and feel so strong and then I confront him and I feel all that strength just melt away. I don't understand why I can't follow through.
I wish he could talk to me as an adult, long enough to recognize that we shouldn't be together because he hates everything about me (constantly trying to 'be my father/boss' and change ME) and I haven't slept in the same room with him for over 10 years. What kind of relationship is this? I do know that even though I want to be alone, perhaps I am afraid that I'm so low that I will never be inspired to take care of myself. I stopped caring about myself a long time ago, and the only thing that keeps me moving is doing things to keep his anger at a minimum. Without him around, I'm wondering if I would just wither away because I don't know how to take care of myself anymore, nor do I really care to. The disability is rough on me - constant pain and low energy doesn't help, but if I were passionate enough about something, it might help to take my mind off of it.
Obviously I'm very depressed. I have all the 'tools' to deal with it, but I've sabotaged myself into a corner and feel I am no longer capable of making a proper decision about anything. I will be going to an Al-anon meeting next Thursday, and hopefully it helps because I've heard mention that some meetings don't work for everyone and this is the only one around here. I'd love to believe that it will help, but I already went on an 'abuse' course a couple of years back and that didn't seem to trigger the strength I needed. I've read every book there is to read. I've just become a very sick, lonely individual - both mentally and physically and I'm afraid that I've just lost hope. That's not even a whine or complaint or a call for help. It's just kind of the way it is. It's like I made this bed and now I must lie in it, because when I did have the strength to get out - I didn't. I feel VERY stupid that I haven't, and hope that anyone reading this doesn't see me as an utter and complete failure - even though that's how I see myself. I do appreciate this site and all of you strong, amazing people here, and I truly thank you for listening to me - even though I seem incapable of listening to myself.
On that note, I really don't care either way. His alcoholic state has damaged me beyond repair. I have no feelings left after years of emotional and verbal abuse. I've had SO many chances to 'escape'. I went to an Abuse Counsellor for 2 years, who was wonderful and thought by my description of him that he was dangerous and definitely damaging to my psyche. At that time she'd even suggested my going to a shelter, as his outbursts at that time were over the top. I never feared for my physical safety so the only thing I'd really worried about were smear campaigns and I'm not sure what else. Just general fear of really not knowing what he would do.
When he had a heart attack several years ago, he was living in an apartment I'd arranged for him to move into, because I couldn't stand his obsession at that time with looking at photos on porn dating sites. He was with another woman during the heart attack, but he didn't know what the crushing pain was. He drove her home and called me. (I later found an e-mail she'd sent to him saying 'it must have been the great sex'). I took him to the hospital the next night - he'd come over because he was in so much pain. He was admitted immediately and over the next weeks he had several stents put in. I was there for him during that time and he saw that as a sign that I really did love him. I saw it as a sign of compassion for a fellow human being, whom I did share many years with, but love in that way - not so sure.
Anyway - I know I've already covered some of this in my previous posts. What I really don't understand is myself. When I met him I was an attractive woman with a great job. Fast forward 14 years and I suffer from Chronic Pain and have retired on disability. I've brought a lot of money into our r/s over the years (more than him when you minus the cost of alcohol) and I could easily have made it on my own. I had a perfect opportunity, when we finally sold our last house. I would have gotten my share of the equity and I could have walked. I realize that at the time he was drawing me in - for us starting anew in a small town outside the city, and I got hooked on the idea. Just a glimmer of hope, for a change. After complaining for SO many years - I blew the perfect opportunity, because we were (or rather had to be) getting along while having our house renovated and selling. We had to be a team for everything to fall into place and it did - perfectly.
Now, here I am. My feelings for him have not changed. I feel intense anger and hatred for him - which comes in spurts - either that or just nothing. He's trying to get sober - which is good, for the sake of himself and his kids. I just read here about what a long process getting sober really is, and I just don't believe I'll ever be able to feel differently toward him, regardless.
He won't discuss things at all, and when I really want to confront him - when I really try to take a stand - he downplays it. I've told him that I should never have moved here with him, when he's being abusive, and he says 'oh calm down - I'm angry about something else - I'm not angry with you' (even though he's taking it out on me) and somehow I give up everytime. I walk away thinking HE'LL NEVER GET IT - so what's the point? I've worked it all out in my head and feel so strong and then I confront him and I feel all that strength just melt away. I don't understand why I can't follow through.
I wish he could talk to me as an adult, long enough to recognize that we shouldn't be together because he hates everything about me (constantly trying to 'be my father/boss' and change ME) and I haven't slept in the same room with him for over 10 years. What kind of relationship is this? I do know that even though I want to be alone, perhaps I am afraid that I'm so low that I will never be inspired to take care of myself. I stopped caring about myself a long time ago, and the only thing that keeps me moving is doing things to keep his anger at a minimum. Without him around, I'm wondering if I would just wither away because I don't know how to take care of myself anymore, nor do I really care to. The disability is rough on me - constant pain and low energy doesn't help, but if I were passionate enough about something, it might help to take my mind off of it.
Obviously I'm very depressed. I have all the 'tools' to deal with it, but I've sabotaged myself into a corner and feel I am no longer capable of making a proper decision about anything. I will be going to an Al-anon meeting next Thursday, and hopefully it helps because I've heard mention that some meetings don't work for everyone and this is the only one around here. I'd love to believe that it will help, but I already went on an 'abuse' course a couple of years back and that didn't seem to trigger the strength I needed. I've read every book there is to read. I've just become a very sick, lonely individual - both mentally and physically and I'm afraid that I've just lost hope. That's not even a whine or complaint or a call for help. It's just kind of the way it is. It's like I made this bed and now I must lie in it, because when I did have the strength to get out - I didn't. I feel VERY stupid that I haven't, and hope that anyone reading this doesn't see me as an utter and complete failure - even though that's how I see myself. I do appreciate this site and all of you strong, amazing people here, and I truly thank you for listening to me - even though I seem incapable of listening to myself.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Hang in there. Going through a tough weekend myself but sharing some good karma with you. As for the Al-Anon meeting, from what you describe I think even a crappy Al-Anon meeting would be better than none at all; that's what got me started toward what I hope will be personal recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It's like I made this bed and now I must lie in it, because when I did have the strength to get out - I didn't. I feel VERY stupid that I haven't, and hope that anyone reading this doesn't see me as an utter and complete failure - even though that's how I see myself.
Please do not sentence yourself, being the judge jury and executioner is not good for you.
You deserve a good life. You have already done your time.
Have you considered talking to your doctor about depression?
I know that seems a simplistic answer, but alot of your post speaks to my depressive disorder.
Such as, I didnt act when I should have.
I dont deserve anything good.
Life is one endless loop of misery and pain.
I will never get away from this abusive alchololic, I will die here with him.
(That is what I heard anyway).
Also, my depressive meds help some with my chronic pain, arthritis.
I go on walks and feel the sun and the cold.
that in turn helps my joints and my mood, which build up more good feelings.
I do not see you as a failure, I see you as someone in pain looking for help.
Beth
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by tryintosmile 
It's like I made this bed and now I must lie in it, because when I did have the strength to get out - I didn't. I feel VERY stupid that I haven't, and hope that anyone reading this doesn't see me as an utter and complete failure - even though that's how I see myself.
I just said this morning that I feel like I made this bed; I should just go back to sleeping in it. But wow is that ever self-defeating thinking! I may have made this bed, but I can GET OUT of it at anytime. I will not allow myself to feel like a failure - that is "stinkin thinkin" and I sound a lot like my AH when I let myself go there and go there I have been doing today!
So for you and for myself - we are now and will be in the future - OK. We may feel like a failure right now but we won't always feel that way. We made this bed but we are free to change the linen, mattress, bed frame, and location ANY TIME WE WANT TO. That is our right.
You did the best you could with what you had to work with, as did I. We should be proud of ourselves.
Thanks for sharing - I needed the reminder that 1. I am not the only one feeling this way and 2. I need a swift kick in the pants! Telling you these things is also me telling me. Thank you.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
He won't discuss things at all, and when I really want to confront him - when I really try to take a stand - he downplays it. I've told him that I should never have moved here with him, when he's being abusive, and he says 'oh calm down - I'm angry about something else - I'm not angry with you' (even though he's taking it out on me) and somehow I give up everytime. I walk away thinking HE'LL NEVER GET IT - so what's the point? I've worked it all out in my head and feel so strong and then I confront him and I feel all that strength just melt away. I don't understand why I can't follow through.
If you want out of this misery then make a list of everything that needs to be done and start chipping away at it... and you do it in private. It's YOUR project. You don't share this info with him! As you start to make even the slightest bit of progress you will become empowered. Your mood will lift and you will gain some momentum. You may even find the will to see your doctor and start taking better care of yourself. But the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.
Stop looking back - it serves no purpose. Live for today and look forward to tomorrow. Accomplish one small task today.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
tjp is right.
You are feeling overwhelmed. Start making lists of what you need to do to get free. It only LOOKS impossibly big. Break it down into sublists. Daydream and brainstorm. One list could be how you could support yourself. Another could be where you could live. Another could be what legal actions would be necessary.
Just start chipping away at it. Lots of lawyers will give you a free consultation. Make some appointments and talk to them.
You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
And be sure to put aside some time for YOU--Al-Anon meetings, an activity you enjoy (or one you would like to enjoy).
You are feeling overwhelmed. Start making lists of what you need to do to get free. It only LOOKS impossibly big. Break it down into sublists. Daydream and brainstorm. One list could be how you could support yourself. Another could be where you could live. Another could be what legal actions would be necessary.
Just start chipping away at it. Lots of lawyers will give you a free consultation. Make some appointments and talk to them.
You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
And be sure to put aside some time for YOU--Al-Anon meetings, an activity you enjoy (or one you would like to enjoy).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Tryin--Thanks for being so open. We are all affected by the disease, whether we are the A or not...and we are not stupid, weak, or failures. As said above, we did what we needed to do to get through each day.
We are here to support you and to remind you (and ourselves) that we deserve better than this and we will find the strength when we need it. Please call your doctor tomorrow morning, and get to work on those lists. You will feel more powerful as you take your power back. And you don't have to do it all tomorrow.
Hugs and prayers coming your way tonight. You are not alone.
We are here to support you and to remind you (and ourselves) that we deserve better than this and we will find the strength when we need it. Please call your doctor tomorrow morning, and get to work on those lists. You will feel more powerful as you take your power back. And you don't have to do it all tomorrow.
Hugs and prayers coming your way tonight. You are not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Thanks so much to all of you for your support, and for not making me feel more dumb than I already do.
I wish I could understand why I have become so empowered by the support I've received over the years, but when I start to make the plan to leave, I suddenly lose all verve and incentive. I've did have a 2 hour session with an 'abuse lawyer', checked out options on what I could do for finances, planned it out in my mind, been SO SURE that this is what I wanted and then it's gone. I've gone through this in my mind - over and over again. I've felt the feelings of being free. It's like there's a disconnect somewhere between the planning and the doing. It's like I'm paralyzed or that something invisible is preventing me from taking that first step. Perhaps I'm afraid that if I ever do get there, I'd kick myself for the rest of my days for not having done it sooner. Like it would seem stupid cutting my losses now when I really don't have much anymore. Like the time has already come ... and gone. I can't imagine it being worse ... but what if that's what I end up paying, for not having made the right decision when I was still well enough to.
I do not want to take drugs for depression. I've tried them and I don't tolerate them well. I know the natural things to use - I have lots of great alternatives that would likely help a lot. It's just that I don't have the inclination to even bother. How's that for sad? I have not an excuse in the world, and nothing really to even complain about. I'm the horse that's been lead to water - hundreds of times, and it seems that I'm afraid to drink.
I wish I could understand why I have become so empowered by the support I've received over the years, but when I start to make the plan to leave, I suddenly lose all verve and incentive. I've did have a 2 hour session with an 'abuse lawyer', checked out options on what I could do for finances, planned it out in my mind, been SO SURE that this is what I wanted and then it's gone. I've gone through this in my mind - over and over again. I've felt the feelings of being free. It's like there's a disconnect somewhere between the planning and the doing. It's like I'm paralyzed or that something invisible is preventing me from taking that first step. Perhaps I'm afraid that if I ever do get there, I'd kick myself for the rest of my days for not having done it sooner. Like it would seem stupid cutting my losses now when I really don't have much anymore. Like the time has already come ... and gone. I can't imagine it being worse ... but what if that's what I end up paying, for not having made the right decision when I was still well enough to.
I do not want to take drugs for depression. I've tried them and I don't tolerate them well. I know the natural things to use - I have lots of great alternatives that would likely help a lot. It's just that I don't have the inclination to even bother. How's that for sad? I have not an excuse in the world, and nothing really to even complain about. I'm the horse that's been lead to water - hundreds of times, and it seems that I'm afraid to drink.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, wow, I know that one--fear of success, as in, I'll be mad I didn't do this sooner.
Well, guess what--better late than never. Heck, I wish I'd quit drinking at least five years sooner than I did. Ten would have been better yet.
Someone posted a quote on one of these forums the other day that I loved: "The best time to plant a tree is thirty years ago. The next best time is today."
Well, guess what--better late than never. Heck, I wish I'd quit drinking at least five years sooner than I did. Ten would have been better yet.
Someone posted a quote on one of these forums the other day that I loved: "The best time to plant a tree is thirty years ago. The next best time is today."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
So much great advice ... I've gained some momentum from reading it - thanks.
Something I did that has given me alot of strength and peace is moving out of our bedroom (our version of a seperation for now). I started making lists like suggested, joined PrePaid Legal (google them) for some inexpensive legal support and starting copying financial stuff I may need.
I wanted to "warn" you that you may feel some "guilt" when you are doing this - I did. I felt like I was plotting against my marriage ...
Sheesh - YES, I had to kick myself in the pants (like tuffgirl!) I was taking care of myself and planning a future - it actually felt good and smart too! DON'T FEEL GUILTY! (please!)
I'm sorry for how bad you feel ... I do understand the what-ifs, should-haves and the present and lingering resentment. I hope your Alanon meeting is good - I would be lost without mine. They should have a good selection of literature too - some free and some for purchase (low tech, cash or check).
I hope you try some of the suggestions given ... you can truly feel better and have hope - i do now ... AND you deserve it!!! It takes some time - be patient with yourself and as Lexie mentioned - do something new for you. I started a drawing class and it's for ME!
Take care and keep in touch
Something I did that has given me alot of strength and peace is moving out of our bedroom (our version of a seperation for now). I started making lists like suggested, joined PrePaid Legal (google them) for some inexpensive legal support and starting copying financial stuff I may need.
I wanted to "warn" you that you may feel some "guilt" when you are doing this - I did. I felt like I was plotting against my marriage ...
Sheesh - YES, I had to kick myself in the pants (like tuffgirl!) I was taking care of myself and planning a future - it actually felt good and smart too! DON'T FEEL GUILTY! (please!)
I'm sorry for how bad you feel ... I do understand the what-ifs, should-haves and the present and lingering resentment. I hope your Alanon meeting is good - I would be lost without mine. They should have a good selection of literature too - some free and some for purchase (low tech, cash or check).
I hope you try some of the suggestions given ... you can truly feel better and have hope - i do now ... AND you deserve it!!! It takes some time - be patient with yourself and as Lexie mentioned - do something new for you. I started a drawing class and it's for ME!
Take care and keep in touch
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
TTS - My post is a bit out of order ... took too long to write it!
Lexie - LOVE the tree analogy!!
Just push your self for a bit: suit up and show up. I hope you will be pleasantly surprised. I've had to SHOVE myself forward on some days ... do what it takes to get over the hump.
I've found there are a "few" humps after the hump
that's why we come back to SR for support!
Lexie - LOVE the tree analogy!!
Just push your self for a bit: suit up and show up. I hope you will be pleasantly surprised. I've had to SHOVE myself forward on some days ... do what it takes to get over the hump.
I've found there are a "few" humps after the hump
that's why we come back to SR for support!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Thanks for the posts, especially for ToBeSerene posts. I'm also making list and making plans to get out of over 30 years of marriage to my AH. I was feeling guilty too because I also can't talk to him. Thanks too for the pre-paid legal google advice. I've been trying to figure out a cheap way to get legal help. TryinToSmile, I've been in the same boat as you many times over my 30+ yrs of marriage to an AH. I believe it's never too late to figure it out and get out or get him out. Al-anon is very helpful but be patient with it and with yourself. You can do it and don't doubt yourself. You deserve much better and you are the only one standing in your way. Go for it because your life and happiness are worth it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Omg ...
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Oh, wow, I know that one--fear of success, as in, I'll be mad I didn't do this sooner.
Well, guess what--better late than never. Heck, I wish I'd quit drinking at least five years sooner than I did. Ten would have been better yet.
Someone posted a quote on one of these forums the other day that I loved: "The best time to plant a tree is thirty years ago. The next best time is today."
Well, guess what--better late than never. Heck, I wish I'd quit drinking at least five years sooner than I did. Ten would have been better yet.
Someone posted a quote on one of these forums the other day that I loved: "The best time to plant a tree is thirty years ago. The next best time is today."
All these years - even before the A - I wondered why I was such a failure. I mean - I had so many great qualities, opportunities, so much knowledge - I came from a family of achievers (educators, writers, artists and entrepreneurs) and I could not for the life of me - until I read your post - figure out WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME! I was angry that I felt I knew all of the answers yet I felt so helpless. Over the years I'd seen people ask for help and learn from it and take action, and there I was - already knowing those answers, yet still asking for help and not taking any action. I was angry at myself for already having everything I needed to succeed and not doing a damn thing about it. I was envious of people who had this strength I didn't seem to possess.
Fear of success IS the answer and I would not - in a million years - ever have figured that out, because 'failure mode' is the one I've been so 'comfortable' with - probably all of my life (but moreso than ever, since I ended up with the A). OMG - was it a self fulfilling prophecy or something? Gosh - I never succeeded like the rest of my family, but my thoughts and ideas likely far surpassed them in many areas (perhaps because they were too busy doing, while I was just busy planning). I remember when the Internet first came out and there were Search Engines like *****, Excite and Google and several others. Most people liked the other ones because they were so 'jazzy', but I knew right away that Google was the best - especially because they actually had a cache. I'm kicking myself (just a little though) that I didn't invest in them when they were small. I've been undermining my potential all along and this is the first time that I FINALLY GET IT!!!
Thank you so much, Lexie - for opening my eyes to this! Thank you - to all of you for encouraging me to follow through. I'm scared to do it, but I'm armed with the tools and that should be half the battle. If I already see myself as a failure - the worst that can happen is that I will still fail once again - but now my goal will be toward finding out why I sabotage myself every time I'm on the brink of success and learn how to push past the worries of succeeding. Perhaps the fear of having to fall further and harder than I would if I remain at the bottom, is what has kept me in this 'comfort zone'.
Sorry for the 'verbal diarrhea' but this has been one of the most liberating feelings I've had for a long time. Fear of Success - wow - that just sounds ridiculous, yet looking back I remember when I've had great opportunities for excellent jobs and blown them because I didn't sleep a wink the night before a test or interview and couldn't think of a thing. By gosh - I'm just going to plant that tree!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Atta girl!
And, if I may add, while it's marginally useful to try to understand "why" you are the way you are, don't get too wrapped up in it. The "why" doesn't matter nearly so much as simply recognizing this is something that holds you back and something you don't NEED to fear. Getting too wrapped up in the "why" of it all can just keep you in procrastination mode.
I've known a lot of drinkers who claim they can't quit drinking until they figure out "why" they drink. Same deal. Quit drinking first, figure out the "whys" later.
Plant that tree--YEAH baby!!
And, if I may add, while it's marginally useful to try to understand "why" you are the way you are, don't get too wrapped up in it. The "why" doesn't matter nearly so much as simply recognizing this is something that holds you back and something you don't NEED to fear. Getting too wrapped up in the "why" of it all can just keep you in procrastination mode.
I've known a lot of drinkers who claim they can't quit drinking until they figure out "why" they drink. Same deal. Quit drinking first, figure out the "whys" later.
Plant that tree--YEAH baby!!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
If you find yourrself at the bottom of a hole, it is good to know how come you fell down it so you don't do it again. But that knowledge is no use to you while you are still stuck in the hole.
First you have to get out. It doesn't matter if you had opportunities in the past to get out of that hole and didn't take them, or if you chose to jump back into the hole at some point.
what matters now is that you don't want to live in a hole and you need to find a way out that works for you. Maybe you need a little help to discover what that way will be, a counsellor?
Your H is never going to give you permission to leave, he is never going to acknowledge what you have been through, what he has done, and give you a leg-up out of that hole with a smile, apologies and good wishes for the future. He wants to stay there, and he wants you there with him to take the blame for him being there.
You can do this, I know you can because I was daunted and scared and life, in comparison to how it was before, is so much easier on every level. Anyone who can live with an alcoholic and not physically explode with the insanity of it, and remain functional enough to string two words together, even occaissonally, can thrive without the pressure and chaos that being in the situation brings.
(())
First you have to get out. It doesn't matter if you had opportunities in the past to get out of that hole and didn't take them, or if you chose to jump back into the hole at some point.
what matters now is that you don't want to live in a hole and you need to find a way out that works for you. Maybe you need a little help to discover what that way will be, a counsellor?
Your H is never going to give you permission to leave, he is never going to acknowledge what you have been through, what he has done, and give you a leg-up out of that hole with a smile, apologies and good wishes for the future. He wants to stay there, and he wants you there with him to take the blame for him being there.
You can do this, I know you can because I was daunted and scared and life, in comparison to how it was before, is so much easier on every level. Anyone who can live with an alcoholic and not physically explode with the insanity of it, and remain functional enough to string two words together, even occaissonally, can thrive without the pressure and chaos that being in the situation brings.
(())
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