Sober A is hanging out at bar regularly...IS THIS CONSIDERED NORMAL In RECOVERY?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Sober A is hanging out at bar regularly...IS THIS CONSIDERED NORMAL In RECOVERY?
What percentage of people choose within the 4th month of sobriety to hang out at a bar they thought was the end of them just a few months prior?
Anyone living with a successfully sober person care to weigh in?
He went to one meetng in the last 31/2 weeks, and it was 3 weeks from the last then.
HE says he doesnt feel like drinking, and that they will refuse to serve him regardless...But I dont buy it. I am no dummy.
He is struggling with delusional thoughts, taking on too much at work, slacking on parenting duties and guess what?....You guessed it, BLAMING ME for his unhappiness.
I have been all but excommunicated from his family, and am stuck
Anyone living with a successfully sober person care to weigh in?
He went to one meetng in the last 31/2 weeks, and it was 3 weeks from the last then.
HE says he doesnt feel like drinking, and that they will refuse to serve him regardless...But I dont buy it. I am no dummy.
He is struggling with delusional thoughts, taking on too much at work, slacking on parenting duties and guess what?....You guessed it, BLAMING ME for his unhappiness.
I have been all but excommunicated from his family, and am stuck
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
While he may not be drinking, it doesn't sound like he's working any kind of program. Just not drinking doesn't usually solve the problems that come with being in a relationship with an alcoholic, as you are seeing now. I've heard the expression "If you keep going to the barber shop, sooner or later you'll end up with a haircut.
You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to live with. It doesn't sound to me like you are happy with the way things are. Sometimes, by the time they stop drinking, it's just too late, especially if none of their other actions change for the better.
You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to live with. It doesn't sound to me like you are happy with the way things are. Sometimes, by the time they stop drinking, it's just too late, especially if none of their other actions change for the better.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't buy it, either. If he isn't drinking yet, he soon will be.
There's an old saying around the rooms: "If you keep hanging around the barbershop, sooner or later you will wind up with a haircut."
There's an old saying around the rooms: "If you keep hanging around the barbershop, sooner or later you will wind up with a haircut."
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Sober A is hanging out at bar regularly...IS THIS CONSIDERED NORMAL In RECOVERY?
Of course not. He is NOT in recovery, and I'd bet my next paycheck (unemployed still) that he is NOT sober.
This is said with as much love and understanding as I can muster, HE is not suffering from delusional thinking. HE is doing what alcoholics do, YOU are suffering from delusional thinking and buying into his B.S, still.
I am truly sorry for your pain, if I could help you, I would. You aren't done yet. BTDT.
It's hard isn't it.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Of course not. He is NOT in recovery, and I'd bet my next paycheck (unemployed still) that he is NOT sober.
This is said with as much love and understanding as I can muster, HE is not suffering from delusional thinking. HE is doing what alcoholics do, YOU are suffering from delusional thinking and buying into his B.S, still.
I am truly sorry for your pain, if I could help you, I would. You aren't done yet. BTDT.
It's hard isn't it.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Yup, he is probably already drinking (and covering up) or very close to relapse. The not going to meetings regularly is kind of a clue. The sitting in a bar is making bad choices towards recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 85
He may be sober right now because he is not drinking, but doesn't sound like his making the changes necesary to maintain sobriety. I agree with coyote...this is NOT recovery. If he is still doing the same old thing just sans alcohol sooner or later he will be drinking too. You said it yourself...you are no dummy. Trust yourself and do what you need to take care of you. Best wishes!
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
im sober now and i dont go hanging out in bars. i have no good reason to do so, not one. we have a saying in aa that goes "if you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you're going to eventually get a haircut". It basically is saying if you hang out in a bar you're going to eventually take a drink.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 94
Im sorry 
AH was the same. - 'Im bored, I just wanted to say hi'
Someone truly committed to recovery does not WANT to hang out in bars, particularly one that they hung out and drank in.
If he hasnt relapsed already, he soon will. I think you know this in your heart. Its a devestating realizaton isnt it? My heart goes out to you.
AH was the same. - 'Im bored, I just wanted to say hi' Someone truly committed to recovery does not WANT to hang out in bars, particularly one that they hung out and drank in.
If he hasnt relapsed already, he soon will. I think you know this in your heart. Its a devestating realizaton isnt it? My heart goes out to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just one caveat, here: The OP was referring to "hanging out in bars regularly".
Sometimes there is a good reason for a sober alcoholic to go into a bar (and even to hang out there for awhile). For example, to celebrate a coworker's retirement or promotion, to celebrate a close friend's birthday, to meet with a client, etc.
IF the person is feeling solid in their recovery, or IF they make a plan for what to do if they feel uncomfortable (e.g., have some phone numbers to call, have a way to leave when they want to leave, etc.), then there is no reason they need to stay away from a bar.
Hanging out just for the sake of hanging out, and doing it on a regular basis, though, isn't a good idea if you want to stay sober.
Sometimes there is a good reason for a sober alcoholic to go into a bar (and even to hang out there for awhile). For example, to celebrate a coworker's retirement or promotion, to celebrate a close friend's birthday, to meet with a client, etc.
IF the person is feeling solid in their recovery, or IF they make a plan for what to do if they feel uncomfortable (e.g., have some phone numbers to call, have a way to leave when they want to leave, etc.), then there is no reason they need to stay away from a bar.
Hanging out just for the sake of hanging out, and doing it on a regular basis, though, isn't a good idea if you want to stay sober.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Bartendars don't refuse to serve someone to support their recovery. Never heard of that.
I'm sober now and I don't hang out in bars. I only did once on a Friday night with 1) a group of old coworkers that I NEVER drank with so it wasn't a trigger 2) they all were not big drinkers 3) knew I quit. I think one of the group had a beer and the rest of us were drinking coke.
But I can't see hanging out at one regularly and not drinking. I'm betting my paycheck as well that he's drinking.
I'm sober now and I don't hang out in bars. I only did once on a Friday night with 1) a group of old coworkers that I NEVER drank with so it wasn't a trigger 2) they all were not big drinkers 3) knew I quit. I think one of the group had a beer and the rest of us were drinking coke.
But I can't see hanging out at one regularly and not drinking. I'm betting my paycheck as well that he's drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
i would say he is getting a haircut buffalo.
i am in recovery, in my fourth month i was on a pink cloud. i would no sooner go in a bar than slap my commanding officer in the face.
nope, no hangin out in bars for recovering alcoholics. hang out at meetings.
Beth
i am in recovery, in my fourth month i was on a pink cloud. i would no sooner go in a bar than slap my commanding officer in the face.
nope, no hangin out in bars for recovering alcoholics. hang out at meetings.
Beth
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Rocky Mountain High
Posts: 24
I'm going through a divorce right now. My soon to be ex swears she is in AA, not drinking and wants to reconcile. This afternoon, I went out with some of my friends, and we met up with some acquaintances, to a place where she used to hang out. The key word is she says she used to hang out. One of my acquaintances said she saw us in there yesterday afternoon. I said I wasn't there yesterday. Guess she was there with her male drinking buddy. Before I left this afternoon, I talked to the owner and he said she is still coming in 2 or 3 times a week and drinking. I said, “Thank you for the information.” Bottom line, she has lied to me and she continues to lie to me big time.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Two words.
Bull s$#!
(I'm an alcoholic and there is no good reason for me to hang out at one, regularly).
Even if he is not drinking, it's a bad move and you should be very, very concerned. It's that simple.
Bull s$#!
(I'm an alcoholic and there is no good reason for me to hang out at one, regularly).
Even if he is not drinking, it's a bad move and you should be very, very concerned. It's that simple.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Thanks, everyone.
Things have really become unbearable.
Everyday he is lashing out. I decided about 3 weeks ago to argue less and less. I have not been attacking, doing some defensive arguing, but he still everyday calls me his enemy and abuser.
Even while he is being terribly abusive.
I don't think he has been drinking, yet, but his going to the barbershop everyday is not a good sign for the imminent future.
I asked him to call his psych dr., to go to a meeting, to ask for a few days from work.
He says I am his enemy, that everyone is out to get him, that he wants to hide. It was 8 degrees this morning and he had to work outside starting at 7am.
I can see he is in terrible state of mind, but I am no help if he is attacking me every minute.
I want him out, but he kind of threatens to leave each day, then never does.
He says I "clip his wings at the door" each day he comes home.
I am clear that it is projection, but, he denies that he is unstable in terms of how he is toward me.
I am heartbroken, and really wish I could help but I am the evil force against him.
He says I am the problem, the reason for unhappiness, but when I point out that he suffers no matter what, he denies it. It's me. I am the source of pain.
In truth, I have been struggling with the years of resentment since he got out 4 months ago. I have been angry, on edge, drawing boundaries, pointing out the tough stuff. Am I too hard? Am I a negative force?
3 weeks of attacks and accusations about my old friend, refusing to go to or support the art show? Paranoia, no meetings, going to bars.... I have remained pretty even keeled.
I just don't know how to step next.
Thanks for reading.
Things have really become unbearable.
Everyday he is lashing out. I decided about 3 weeks ago to argue less and less. I have not been attacking, doing some defensive arguing, but he still everyday calls me his enemy and abuser.
Even while he is being terribly abusive.
I don't think he has been drinking, yet, but his going to the barbershop everyday is not a good sign for the imminent future.
I asked him to call his psych dr., to go to a meeting, to ask for a few days from work.
He says I am his enemy, that everyone is out to get him, that he wants to hide. It was 8 degrees this morning and he had to work outside starting at 7am.
I can see he is in terrible state of mind, but I am no help if he is attacking me every minute.
I want him out, but he kind of threatens to leave each day, then never does.
He says I "clip his wings at the door" each day he comes home.
I am clear that it is projection, but, he denies that he is unstable in terms of how he is toward me.
I am heartbroken, and really wish I could help but I am the evil force against him.
He says I am the problem, the reason for unhappiness, but when I point out that he suffers no matter what, he denies it. It's me. I am the source of pain.
In truth, I have been struggling with the years of resentment since he got out 4 months ago. I have been angry, on edge, drawing boundaries, pointing out the tough stuff. Am I too hard? Am I a negative force?
3 weeks of attacks and accusations about my old friend, refusing to go to or support the art show? Paranoia, no meetings, going to bars.... I have remained pretty even keeled.
I just don't know how to step next.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Things have really become unbearable.
3 weeks of attacks and accusations about my old friend, refusing to go to or support the art show? Paranoia, no meetings, going to bars.... I have remained pretty even keeled.
He has chosen to either half step, or back step.
Please get out of his way.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Just hanging out in bars, huh?
There is an old Latin saying the goes, "Those who lie with dogs will rise with fleas."
Cause I know the day I finally kick chocolate I am gonna make that trip to the Hershey Factory in PA just to say goodbye. Although the whole place smells like chocolate, everyone else will be eating chocolate and they will be both selling and giving chocolate samples out, I will be able to resist because of my superior virtue and proven track record of resistance and fortitude!
My XH is pulling this too but not even bothering to try and hide that he is drinking again because he knows I just don't give a flying flip about it anymore. Not my problem. He just happens to always get musical gigs in bars and taverns and wine shops. Then he has the balls to ask me if I'm gonna bring the kids to watch him play. Ummmm.....no!
Stay strong. And everytime he flips you crap, just think about that scratching dog......
There is an old Latin saying the goes, "Those who lie with dogs will rise with fleas."
Cause I know the day I finally kick chocolate I am gonna make that trip to the Hershey Factory in PA just to say goodbye. Although the whole place smells like chocolate, everyone else will be eating chocolate and they will be both selling and giving chocolate samples out, I will be able to resist because of my superior virtue and proven track record of resistance and fortitude!
My XH is pulling this too but not even bothering to try and hide that he is drinking again because he knows I just don't give a flying flip about it anymore. Not my problem. He just happens to always get musical gigs in bars and taverns and wine shops. Then he has the balls to ask me if I'm gonna bring the kids to watch him play. Ummmm.....no!
Stay strong. And everytime he flips you crap, just think about that scratching dog......
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