Moving on from an Addicted Partner :(
 

Hi,
This is my first time here (I was a total failure at the Meetings; Hoping for healing & understanding of this crap disease).
I met my Soulmate in JR. High (I know, total cliche) We lost touch, & reconnected 20+ years later, & it was as if no time had passed. We both felt the same, had the same instant connection although our lives had taken dramatically different paths, neither of us had yet to marry (both mid 30's): We had similar goals, etc. Won't Bore you with the warm fuzzies, & I don't want to recount them to list.
We reconnected when he found me on Classmates....while he was serving the remainder of his house arrest for his 2nd felony DUI (prior to the "felony" part being added: He guess-timated? He'd had a dozen or so DUI's...found that out about 18 mo. Later, when he was being charged with the THIRD Felony DUI)
I Love Him. I have always Loved him...and I always will. But I Could Not be a part of That Lifestyle. After basically torturing each other for a few years: Me digging in my heels refusing to be married or live-in until he made an effort to commit to sobriety, & him sabotaging & punishing me as a byproduct of active addiction (infidelity, lying, etc. Etc...etc.) He finally got his 3rd DUI, just shy of a year from getting off the ankle bracelet. Disbelief, Anger, Overwhelming feeling of Abandonment but the need to protect and sooth him too? Just conflicted. After 3 attempts at Rehab before going to serve his time (2 of the 3 he was kicked out of, the first one, he finished successfully...and was on an unholy suicide Binger within a month)....I received the cryptic emailed photos from his undisclosed location with a tag line, that he was either going to Kill Himself, or keep going till he hit Canada. It was Gut Wrenching. During this Lost Weekend, it was confirmed he had been seeing his ex-girlfriend intimately, and Regularly for almost the past year. Devestated. (I did just about Everything to Push him twords THAT bad decision: I dug my heels in & would NOT move home, until he committed to recovery. I understand that my lack of presence, contributed Greatly, to ALOT of his Bad Choices.) Things got Violent on 2 of my trips home; When we were suppose to be planning our wedding and our home etc.) the first time, Rough restraint when I said I would not fight with him, & he insisted I would NOT walk out on it. I was stunned by it, never having been in ANY "Physical" altercation like that. I did leave: I dropped him at work, packed my things & got on a plane. Anyway: Probably isn't any of this back & forth, pushing & pulling that I can explain that yall haven't experienced of heard about. So I'll bypass the rest. I was Angry, Sad, Alone, Cried daily, when he went to prison....but a couple months into it, I felt a twinge of relief (& Guilt! for feeling relieved. It was the first time that I wasn't petrified daily that That would be the day he died in a drunk driving accident, or an OD, etc.)...and Equally as twisted, I knew for the first time, he wasn't out drunk running around with accommodating? Women. (Ive felt real crappy for both those Feelings ever since I recognized what they were.) He was released late in the Spring of 10". My Fears about being married to him in an Alcoholic Lifestyle came back stronger than ever. When we were together, it was great. But when it came to making the big move-forever life plan...I freaked out, Again. (He had started his old Internet "friendships" with women, again...and it was Too Much to cope with. While sitting at the freeway entrance, either turn, & head to Vegas, or head for the hills & take route 66 to AZ. I couldn't turn. I cried for hours, then days, but it was done. We ended it. He & I had Both agreed it was sink or swim: and I swam, just as far away as I could get. We have had Very limited, short contact, just for business. Its ugly & cold, and he's bitter, mean, & has some real Wild accusations as to why I did what I did....which hurts almost as much, as being away from him..of letting go of the life I had clung to & planned for "When he was Well."
There is no going back. Even if I could sort out how, he has closed the door. (understandably) Its been almost 2 months...and it's not any easier, any better, and I miss his as much as I ever have. Plus: All the stuff I did to "protect myself" and "Dig my heels in & Wait out his wild streak" is eatting me up. I know that contributed to his decline: I am Not Responsible for His Behavior. But I didnt help prevent the bad choices to much either! I Do Not Understand how he chose his Addiction over me. I Do NOT understand this Addiction at all....(I've read the books, etc. But Emotionally, I do not Understand the behavior, or the horrible betrayals while under the influence.) I'm SO Sad. And Mad...and sad. If he is not going to be my husband, I want it ALL out of my head, I want him out of my heart. I want it gone. (and he isn't going to be my husband: Even if I sorted that out for myself, he wants nothing to do with "us"...and I don't blame him!) I don't know how to carry on. I don't want to date, it actually makes me mad when some poor unsuspecting guy asks. (My formal apologies to Any man who had the misfortune of paying too much attention to me; You didn't deserve the Rude Brush Off, the immediate Scowl, or eye roll.) I don't think I can put this in it's proper place, in MY PAST! Until I understand. (and sadly, I check everyday to see if he called or emailed. I know, beyond twisted.) I don't understand. On paper, even without the Alcoholism, he doesn't come off looking so "Ideal". He's not the most charming, or handsome, or nicest person I've ever seriously dated...But he's the one I love....that I've always loved. I don't know where to put this, or how to move on. ~ Sad. Very Sad, in Seattle.

You need to stop beating yourself up for the choices he made. You can't take responsibility for something he does or doesn't do. They're HIS choices and he would've made the same ones regardless where you were.

I know alot of relationships (mine included) that have been greatly affected by alcoholism but you seem to have started right smack in the middle of his and its been down hill for YOU from then on. I hope I'm not being too blunt, but your relationship sounds very unhealthy for you. It's kind of hard for me to say that because I was the addict in my relationship, but what was it about him that attracted you to him besides a past relationship w/ him when you two were kids and that you now have similar goals?
And what goals could they've been? They couldn't have been that similar.
Maybe time to scratch that from the list??

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are.
Heartache is very painful.

But in my opinion...instead of blaming yourself for the actions he's chosen to make..you need to pat yourself in the back for sticking to your guns and not giving in. Good for you!

Sometimes love just isn't enough and I think this is true in your relationship.

It sounds like he's been in his own downfall for a while and you walked right in it.
You're pain is gonna take time to heal...but I have a feeling you'll take a sigh of relief when the smoke clears and realize you've dodged a bullet.

I hope you feel better soon...

At a certain point I came to realize that my life never was about THEM and that what they did or said really didn't matter. My life is about me. The way I think, the decisions I make, the way I see the world, and others, and my relationship to it and them. First I learned to detach, physically then emotionally. Then I learned to set boundaries, physical, emotional, spiritual. It's all practice and there is no fast and easy cure; I've done it all while living my life. For me, it's been about balance. And choice.

Take care. Thanks for sharing.

Long post is long, but you remind me of me in a lot of ways.
The first thing I needed was someone to validate that I was allowed to feel the way I felt, and I wasn't crazy, so I am passing that message on to you.
If you'd like to hear more of my story, I wrote a bunch in the forum, or you can just ask and I'll answer. I don't keep many secrets on the forum here anymore - it's too therapeutic to tell them to someone!


No.
You didn't push him towards the ex-girlfriend.
You made your boundaries clear - either clean up or forget it.
He made his decision clear - you wouldn't support his addiction so he'd find someone who would

Giant red flag! Abusive men don't stop being abusive just because they stop drinking, they need treatment for that, too. (Either concurrent to addiction treatment, or after, because they are too unpredictable and their brain is too muddled when in active - or inactive but untreated - addiction.)
And once they get physical...
Last I checked, there's no word called "downscalate".

Welcome to the return of emotion.
Living on the roller coaster ride that is someone else's addiction leaves very little time for feelings.
Now that you don't "have" to do this, now that you don't "have" to take care of that, now that you don't "have" to put up with him, now that you don't "have" to figure this out...
You never had to do anything. This whole problem has been his problem, not yours, all along.
It is a common sentiment at AlAnon meetings, "He's in jail, so I don't have to worry about him for two months." "She's in court-mandated rehab, so I can relax now." He will be safe in prison, he will not be running around getting drunk or sleeping around, there's no fear of him hurting someone while driving drunk or getting shot for doing something stupid while drunk. He's safe.
He's not your problem, he's his own problem.


This is what addicts do. Nothing is allowed to be their fault, so they blame it on everyone else.
Deep down inside, I believe they know they are the cause of so much hurt and pain, but they cannot afford to admit it to themselves, so they sink deeper into the addiction and denial. It's the world's fault, because they can't confront that it could be something inside them, or they don't want anyone else to know the truth, or something.
Do you really want to spend your life from someone who is bitter, mean, ugly, and cold?
It is not easy to move on, but you stood your ground, and stopped it before it went any further, so you've got a great head start.

You did NOT contribute to his decline. If anything, all your "help" slowed him down.
This would be another reason he cheated, as well.
Addicts like people who help them continue their addiction. If someone stops assisting - or "worse," starts trying to get them to stop - they will find someone else.
If you stood by him, there is a good chance he would have lied to you and cheated anyway.
There is no sense playing the "what if" game - "What if I did this?" "What if that happened?" "What if I stopped this?" "What if I was strong enough to make him stop?"
You cannot make him stop. He is a grown man (at least physically), and it is time he take the responsibility of his own decisions, rather than have other people constantly cleaning up his own mess.
By your own admission, he has lied to you since the beginning of your relationship! You did not know about all the other DUI's, for example. What is to say, even if you were accepting of ALL his behaviors, that he wouldn't keep lying to you anyway? And do you really want to be someone who is mistreated that badly, even if he told you the truth?

How much are you worth, to you?

:grouphug:
There are a lot of people here, with a lot of similar stories.
While my XABF was never given a DUI, and has never gone to jail, there have certainly been too many cases for me to count where he should have. He was abusive (verbal, emotional, escalating up the physical scale), he blamed everything on me, I allowed him to put me deeply into debt (not as deep into debt as he'd done to himself, thank goodness), and I allowed him to control my every action.
Then a few days before Christmas, he started throwing chairs, and so I threw him out. (It was not that simple, and there are still a lot of pieces to pick up, but I am working it.)

It feels like my life is my own again. For the first time in a long time, I am "allowed" to make my own decisions, and I can sort through problems with a clear head, rather than an angry drunk saying it's all my fault we have a flat tire because I didn't remove all the nails from all the major highways this morning.
I am responsible for my own actions, but most importantly, I don't get blamed for other people's on a daily basis.

The guilt is hard to work through sometimes, but eventually it will pass.
It helped me to write a letter to XABF (he will never get a copy, this was just for me), detailing all the things I did to try and warn him of the danger in our relationship, and how he reacted to all of it. I was surprised at the length of the list! And I pulled it out whenever I started to doubt myself.

Try to find something that will help you work through your guilt, so you can think straight, and little by little rebuild yourself. Post often, read the other threads - SR has been my lifeline, there's a lot of amazing people and a lot of "great" experience here.

Actually, with time, you will hopefully come to understand that he is an addict. He would have done the same things, regardless what you did, because this is what addicts do.

What you did had no bearing on what he did. Honest.

CLMI

All you really have to "understand" about this disease is that you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTOL it, and you can't CURE it.

Alcoholics do insane, destructive things when they are in the grip of the disease. The hurt themselves and they hurt others. They do it because they are alcoholics.

Your experiences were painful, but you don't have to hold onto the pain. You can let it go. Continuing to suffer is not going to change him, and it won't change your life. Letting go of the pain can change your life.

Stick around here--we can all recover.

I really appreciate the insight & all the time y'all took (just Reading that!) & replying. Yep: I came in at the "Epiphany" stage, aka: I'm 35 on house arrest & spent almost 3 years total in the pokie: "Time to grow up & be responsible, reflective, productive, spiritual...blah.blah. I was mesmerized by his honesty & perseverance. I was proud of him. He had a wiseness about himself & life, that was beyond my college education. And Yeah, retrospect, it was the most Unhealthy thing I've Ever Done. I know now, that a couple of stints in the pokie, & residential confinement kinda make anyone find "Jeezus!" or Buddah, or a Spiritual compass?...but I believed in him. Without Waiver. I think for the first time in my life. He was inspiring, & inspired me. And it was all a big Fat Load of Crap. Screwing the ex, within a month of proposing (even before back on the bottle), dabbling in drugs bc they didn't show up on the breathalyzer Etc.) My struggle is Why am I so hung up on Such a Train Wreck, that would ultimately, plow me down if I had stayed, and WTH was I thinking? How Stooopid....And, I Love him. Still. Chime in here: But, realistically: Anyone who has had...15 DUI's in 20 years, done REAL time 3 times, and Rehab up the Wazoo over 10 years with no success: They ARE going to do this again, right?...He's in "Epiphany" Again. No Alcohol since parol in late March, and sober for the 2? yr in Jail....But Smoked something called "Black Mamba(mambo?)" in the cab when leaving jail? I don't wish him bad, I don't. But part of me has to believe he's just going to Screw it up again, just to stop me from pining about the ideal. When Sober...He is an Incredible, Magnetic, Loving guy....When he's Sober & not pulling ****!

You know, there is nothing wrong with hoping he gets well and sober, and still deciding you don't need to put yourself through any more pain. It seems like you want a guarantee that he is NOT going to recover before you give up on the relationship.

I really suggest you get yourself to some Al-Anon meetings to clear up your head a bit. I still care about my alcoholic ex-husband, but if he were to show up on my doorstep tomorrow, with a year's sobriety and a shining future in front of him, I would be very happy for him, and wish him the best. No way would I take him back. It would not be good for either one of us at this point.

I second Lexi's statement that she would wish him well, but would go on with her life. Posters to SR first taught me the 3 "C"s, then that the problem is progressive, and finally that I can only live my own life. In the meatime, I've done a lot of work to figure out why I put up with it for SOOOO long, and that work has paid off.

If XAH showed up at my door today, full of apologies, appearing to "get it" finally, I would wish him well, I'd tell him that I pray for him every day, but that I'm not the same girl...and I won't be that girl again. And I would close the door--even though we were married 29 years with 4 children. He is toxic to me and I no longer knew who I was.

But all of this takes time, help from Al-Anon, counseling or both, and knowing that you deserve better--whatever he decides to do with the rest of his life.

Hugs and prayers coming your way.

Well, it seems like you are starting to understand that you are codependent, by mentioning that you are not responsible for his behavior. That's doing some good work. But remember that choices are "behavior", too. And you can do nothing to prevent bad choices, any more than bad behavior.

You are hung up on a train wreck because you wanted to fulfill your need to control or fix someone else. I have been codependent all my life, which means that it isn't about them, it is about me. Or, more directly, it doesn't matter who I put in my life, addicted or normal, I will still do codependent things. I am codependent to non-alcoholics and non-addicts...perfectly normal people. People who are not trying to use me.

These normal people often have to politely tell me I am "doing too much", "That's okay, you've done enough, it's fine, you don't need to do anymore"...or, when they get desperate, "STOP!"

Well, my alcoholic side is speaking now, I am a codie and a recovering alcoholic....I meet people in the rooms of AA who have gone through the revolving doors of rehab and served time, sometimes several times, and slept through those kinds of wake up calls. Maybe people will talk the talk and say they have seen the light, but, I have not seen that the vast majority of rehab graduates insist they are dramatically changed. Many say nothing happened at all, many are frustrated that they don't feel any change at all.

When I went to rehab, there were several who were frustrated. They expected magic to happen in rehab.
Magical thinking will put me in the ditch every time.

The change has to come from inside, not the outside. Rehab can give tools, but not your sobriety.

I would guess if his "Epiphany" happened after smoking black mambo, it is not real.
He has had no epiphany, it is his show, and you are in the audience, just watching.

Please get out of that seat and attend to your own life. You are worth it and deserve it.

Beth

The Cats, Lexi, & LL..
 

My heart, & gratitude. You made me breath. Cry, THINK, and there was a smile in there feeling like "Omg...They Know. Been there, done that, & are healing up nicely." My Family & Friends are in utter disbelief & shock that I planned my life, my home & a family with this man. (I was told a Relationship intervention!! was in the works.) I had a sad smile about the Chair throwing: Ours was Cel phones, & handy Misc objects; I Duck Better than I thought...and Not so proud, I can return a spiral pass of a Blackberry, but cannot get out of a full body pin-down....Gross, Sad, recollections of skills? I never imagined.
I reread all my "stuff". I come off like a hapless victim. A wide-eyed googly innocent. I'm not. If anything...I think my biggest "contribution" was judgement & anger; Fuel to the fire. (Also, he was a BAD liar, even over the phone, so I had a Lot I chose to Pick at, & Call him out on....& generally I did so!) I'm now reading your posts and experiences, so much resonates. Thank You for sharing them. My Biggest Fear: I Love Him. Still, I Love Him deeply, inspite of it ALL....and I'm afraid that he was my "True Love"...the big one that stays with you?....and that I will never FEEL for anyone what I've felt for him. That the good times, when he made me Feel so completely loved & contented, and "Home"...I'm petrified, that I will never feel that for or from anyone again.
(And...Real Messed up, as to HOW I, or my Heart, Chose Such a Disaster?...I've been in love with men any parent would celebrate having in the family. Solid, Stable, Accomplished, Loving Men. (I broke up with a Pediatric Surgeon, because I thought he was "kinda" controlling, & Arrogant?! Another "Lovely man" who just wanted a wife & family to dedicate his life to: & I wanted to travel, & babies were not in my future.....) And THIS Guy Is The One I can't erase from my Rear View Mirror?...Gees. Let Alone, jumped in with both feet & Planned To Marry??) I am fearful that I AM the "Broken" one...for choosing him, for being in it so long when it was SO SO bad & unhealthy (for Both of us.)....My secret fear, is that Iam the broken one....& I will Never feel the way I did, when things were good with us.

Not to be insensitive, but I think you are over-romanticizing. What you loved was really the DREAM of what COULD HAVE BEEN, not what actually WAS.

I'm not judging you, I totally "get" that. I understand. It was what kept me in my last relationship (not with an alcoholic/addict, but with someone who had some other very serious issues) for WAY longer than was healthy for me. I should have run the other direction early on, but I kept seeing things that attracted me. And I built, in my mind, a relationship that realistically never could have been.

Stick around here for awhile. You will learn a lot, and maybe learn to look at yourself with a critical eye. Not an unkind eye, but a critical one that SEES.

Omgosh, Lexie...
I'm Romanticizing, Disecting, Conducting Autopsy, Personal Inventory, and Dr. Phil'in It...To DEATH. (Not Insensetive of you; Much Appreciated!) I See how I went right into a codependency roll...I could be the "healthy" caregiver, voice of reason, and Control with my Boundaries, Requirements, & by being the straight man (aka: Rational One) in the (CHAOS) "comedy routine" equation.) need to really sort that & figure out how easily I slipped right into Co-Dependent Control Freak?!! I had limited eye-ball to eye ball expiate to the active boozing; The physical altercation happened on the 1 time I was present while he had slipped out & chugged. Spent Alot of time with the post-Binge, the hangover , etc. He did not openly drink in front of me. When Fully Sober...Truly, an Incredible man. Could charm the pants off a hardened cynic. Bottom line: and this just came to me...He Will ALWAYS be just 1 drink away?...and although when Good, it was pretty GREAT...I Will Never be willing to go back to Post- "1 Drink". I didn't Like Myself, Lost Myself, & Revolved around it: All while being Codependent & Controlling (I believe).
It was a true, brief, Fairy Tale....with a very very High personal Price, & completely & willingly?...Loosing myself to the abundance of illness that went along with it all. (that's what I think right now. ;) gimme 5 minutes & I'll sort out the Devils Advocate side that would be the perpetual Love-Fest...!) Big HUGE Hugs, & My Deepest Thanks.

Huge...Huge Breakthrough. So I've Been kicking around the term CoDependent, without having a real grasp on the "details".
I'm SO SO CoDependent!!! I can pinpoint when it started & the trigger? But what to do with it now...I think I am firmly doing it across the board. (And can Guarantee that THAT was...IS...the appeal of the relationship with the Alcoholic.)
What the Hell Do you do for this?..is it get some self help books, or full on therapy?!!

"Codependent No More" is apparently the best book on the subject. (I haven't read it yet - it came in the mail yesterday.)
There's also Al-Anon, which pushes you to be more accepting of and better to yourself, among other things.
Therapy can help if your therapist has experience in addictions.


Codependent tendencies by themselves are not bad. (This world would be an awesome place if everyone had a "mild case of codependency.") The issue happens when your own needs aren't being met, and you're draining yourself dry to help others at the expense of yourself.
With an alcoholic, you're shoveling help into a black hole - anything you get back will be minor, and you'll have a nervous breakdown trying to do "enough".

So I try to check myself when I help someone.
"Does this person like me for me, or because I do stuff for them?"
"If I needed something, would this person help me with it in the same spirit I help them?"
"Does this person listen when I talk with them, or just wait until I stop talking so they can talk?"
The answer determines how much effort I put into the situation.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can, however, contribute to it. The goal is to not contribute to it and you seem like the kind of person who can meet such a goal (if you can get over your romance novel view of relationships).

Good luck!

Cyranoak

P.s. Just as an FYI, damn near every one of us has a significant other who is "the best most wonderful person when they aren't drunk." We all fail to remember that they are alcoholics and drunk much of the time. We all fail to remember they are the total person, not part of a person. Hell, I'm the best most wonderful person when I'm not trying to control and manipulate everything to happen my way. Just ask my wife.