Hi All First Post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
Hi All First Post
Hi everyone. I am new to your wonderful message board here, but certainly not new to addiction. I am with an alcoholic and possible drug user. I spent years trying to change him. Sometimes it worked for a bit, and sometimes it didn't. I know more about addiction than I ever cared to know. I go to alanon, and have read many many books, but this is the first time I have ever posted on a site like this.
It seems like, for years, I have been trying to get my alcoholic boyfriend to stop drinking. I've tried threats, compromises, EVERYTHING possible under the sun.
In August, I returned to college. In just the recent past, I have noticed a HUGE change in myself. I spend the majority of my free time studying and worrying about my future. It's not something I consciously planned to have happen, but I don't worry and stress about him the way I once did not so long ago.
He is mad at me right now. For what, I am not sure. A few days ago, he stayed out most of the night and didn't make it to work the next day. I got up, took our son to school, and went to class. He called a few hours later asking why I didn't wake him. I told him he should have set the alarm..I had no idea what time he needed up. His work hours vary greatly. He is nitpicky about stupid things around the house, but I would once have spent entire days trying to figure out whats wrong with him. And, of course, I would alter my life to make him happy. His pleasure in life is drinking. After I have worked a long day, I WANT to come home to my family. I enjoy them.
So, I just am amazed with myself right now. I didn't see this coming. There's more to life than following an alcoholic around trying to fix him. lol
Life is great!!!!!!!!!!!
It seems like, for years, I have been trying to get my alcoholic boyfriend to stop drinking. I've tried threats, compromises, EVERYTHING possible under the sun.
In August, I returned to college. In just the recent past, I have noticed a HUGE change in myself. I spend the majority of my free time studying and worrying about my future. It's not something I consciously planned to have happen, but I don't worry and stress about him the way I once did not so long ago.
He is mad at me right now. For what, I am not sure. A few days ago, he stayed out most of the night and didn't make it to work the next day. I got up, took our son to school, and went to class. He called a few hours later asking why I didn't wake him. I told him he should have set the alarm..I had no idea what time he needed up. His work hours vary greatly. He is nitpicky about stupid things around the house, but I would once have spent entire days trying to figure out whats wrong with him. And, of course, I would alter my life to make him happy. His pleasure in life is drinking. After I have worked a long day, I WANT to come home to my family. I enjoy them.
So, I just am amazed with myself right now. I didn't see this coming. There's more to life than following an alcoholic around trying to fix him. lol
Life is great!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 24
You sound VERY healthy! I'm impressed with your ability to hold him accountable for his actions, rather than buy into his belief that you were somehow responsible for him oversleeping. That's very non-co-dependent of you.
You should be amazed with yourself, and you should keep up the good work! Being in school is a great thing to do for yourself, and your and your son's future. Thanks for the inspiration on a troubling Saturday night.
You should be amazed with yourself, and you should keep up the good work! Being in school is a great thing to do for yourself, and your and your son's future. Thanks for the inspiration on a troubling Saturday night.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
Well thank you Michelle. I have had MANY bad Saturday nights. and Sundays, and the rest of the week. I don't know a whole lot, but I do know that if someone loves ME, I shouldn't have to wonder where they are at 3 am.
And, certainly, my child deserves better. I know I can't leave tomorrow, but I will get there. I can't stand the chaos. I don't even try to talk to him anymore. I figure there is no point. He will just lie. One more broken promise? It upsets me a bit that he has the nerve to be mad at me, but oh well, not my problem. I have a future to study for. I think it was all about forcing myself to focus on myself and what I want. He doesn't seem quite so big in my life now.
Hang in there. I'm as codependant as anyone ever has been..
And, certainly, my child deserves better. I know I can't leave tomorrow, but I will get there. I can't stand the chaos. I don't even try to talk to him anymore. I figure there is no point. He will just lie. One more broken promise? It upsets me a bit that he has the nerve to be mad at me, but oh well, not my problem. I have a future to study for. I think it was all about forcing myself to focus on myself and what I want. He doesn't seem quite so big in my life now.
Hang in there. I'm as codependant as anyone ever has been..
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
You get it, I love it when people get it.
Yep, you're biding your time, till the time is right. But you are done. It feels good to be done, doesn't it?.
Please keep posting your progress, it will help so many others. There are MANY "guest' lurkers on this board that get helped without ever posting. I lurked for 2 years myself.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Yep, you're biding your time, till the time is right. But you are done. It feels good to be done, doesn't it?.
Please keep posting your progress, it will help so many others. There are MANY "guest' lurkers on this board that get helped without ever posting. I lurked for 2 years myself.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
Yes..I get it...Eventhough I didn't mean to. Kind of funny how just one day, life seems okay. Yes, it feels great to just be DONE. Done with the mess, the nonsense, all of it. I will never go back. Going back to school did this for me. I feel like I have stumbled through life. Maybe as get older, we tolerate less....yet we tolerate more in a sense. The anger is gone from me. The need to make him hurt. Not really need, but I tried to make him "see the light" when he was coming home at 3 or 4 am. You get it when it's meant to be. And not before. not one minute before.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
For me, it starts just like that-just like you did-with the effort, just one, no matter how small-to focus on SELF, on what I know in my heart I need or want for me or my life. And I don't even have to be RIGHT about it.
I LOVE that you are in college! Because I know how much opportunity exists there. Sit in the front of the class. Talk to your professors. Let them know your name. Talk to everyone you meet about your hopes and dreams and interests. And a world will open up to you that you never knew existed. Here's something I'd like to share with you:
The search is what any one would undertake if he were not sunk into the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair. -Walker Percy
Go girl!!!
I LOVE that you are in college! Because I know how much opportunity exists there. Sit in the front of the class. Talk to your professors. Let them know your name. Talk to everyone you meet about your hopes and dreams and interests. And a world will open up to you that you never knew existed. Here's something I'd like to share with you:
The search is what any one would undertake if he were not sunk into the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair. -Walker Percy
Go girl!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 64
Sandy you are so right about everything you have said. Join us at 12 noon EST today for informal chat. We also have a F and F meeting on Saturday evening 9 pm EST. It sounds as if you have learned so much and have alot to share. Stay healthy for you and your child 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
The search is what any one would undertake if he were not sunk into the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair. -Walker Percy
Thank you for that. I like it..
And thank you everyone for your encouragement. I've spent, well, years reading posts here, and never had the courage to put myself out there. To be vulnerable isn't something I care to do often. Why? because I'm usually shot down for having feelings.
And I don't know about sitting in front of the class just yet. I've always been book smart, and will get good grades, but right now I still feel like the old lady with a bunch of kids around me. I do enjoy them. Seeing how young they are. Listening about their troubles in the world. I don't even want to be that young again. But it's all an adventure. Maybe next year I will sit in the front. lol...
Sorry I missed the online chat session. Are they every Saturday? Any other times?
Again....Thank you all so much.
Thank you for that. I like it..
And thank you everyone for your encouragement. I've spent, well, years reading posts here, and never had the courage to put myself out there. To be vulnerable isn't something I care to do often. Why? because I'm usually shot down for having feelings.
And I don't know about sitting in front of the class just yet. I've always been book smart, and will get good grades, but right now I still feel like the old lady with a bunch of kids around me. I do enjoy them. Seeing how young they are. Listening about their troubles in the world. I don't even want to be that young again. But it's all an adventure. Maybe next year I will sit in the front. lol...
Sorry I missed the online chat session. Are they every Saturday? Any other times?
Again....Thank you all so much.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by SandyM12345 
Sorry I missed the online chat session. Are they every Saturday? Any other times?
Also, this is just the times meetings have been lately. Kassie usually posts in the forum when there's a planned one, so if she didn't post, it's not scheduled yet. But from the past week, the times were:
Formal Meeting
Saturday, 9pm EST
Informal Chats
Tuesday, 8pm EST
Thursday, 8pm EST
Sunday, 12pm EST
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