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Alcoholic Unfaithful Wife Story

Old 01-22-2011, 09:52 AM
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Alcoholic Unfaithful Wife Story

Hello:

I signed up for this forum years ago while dealing with the ongoing drama and merry go round of my wife's severe alcoholism which has spanned over a decade. I will call her alcoholic wife (AW).

We have no kids, and "I love her", therefore I have put up with every manner of mayhem over the past 10 years, including 5 hospitalized detoxes, and subsequent recoveries. The most dramatic was in 2008, when she fell down the stairs, hit her head, and required brain surgery. The amazing result after 38 days in the hospital was a 100% recovery, 2 years of sobriety, and the biggest miracle any of us could have imagined.

This includes recovery from yellow eyes, alcoholic hepatitis, and cirrosis of the liver. 100% recovery. She was almost dead dead to begin with, when she fell in 2008. I genuinely felt my prayers were answered at the time, and the LORD had saved her life and our marriage, happily ever after.

That was up until 3 months ago, when she went out of town to see some family. She stayed longer than expected, and came home drunk. She felt terrible, and I begged her to stop cold turkey before she got physically addicted to vodka again. It had only been about a week of using. Too late. She didn't stop, didn't try to stop, and in fact went BACK out of town a few days later, using a ridiculous excuse that her father needed her help with something.

This trip was another 8 days, and this time she came home completely, totally addicted to alcohol. Yet pretending not to be. She kept going to our Christian recovery group (drunk), in which she was a "leader". She lied to everyone in sight and I could see it all slipping away again.

That was when I checked her cell phone text messages. I had a funny feeling. Funny meaning bad. Sure enough, I found a dialogue in her iPhone 4 (which shows both sides of a text conversation back and forth), with things like "I love you" and "I love you too", and talking about back rubs, changing the world together, and she also used the word "screw".

Of all the things I thought we had, it was an underlying friendship and fidelity to one another, that no matter what we went through together, at least we were faithful to one another. I felt sick, literally like I wanted to throw up, and I still do.

I told her to STOP these messages, and asked "what have you done ... MY GOD, what have you done?" She said the messages weren't real, that they were just a "joke".

As an al-anon veteran with an understanding of detachment, I made a decision not to go crazy with this 24/7 where I would lose any ability to think, live my life, or engage with others in a meaningful way. So I stood back for a week or two to see what would happen next. Besides, we had 15+ of her family coming for Thanksgiving, all from out of town, all staying at our house.

AW was wasted the night they showed up. Her mother, who had arrived 2 days early, was heartbroken and pissed off at the same time. It was all the same old #@[email protected] we had put up with for years. All of her favorite people in the world, at her house for the first time, just in time to see her pathetic and drunk. They stayed for 4 days and we made the best of it, but it was sad.

Many shared with her their concerns, and asked her to get help - little did they realize that her marriage was also crumbling because of unfaithfulness, I kept that to myself.

After everyone was gone, I couldn't help but check her cell phone again. Not only was the previous guy still in the mix with more "I love you's" back and forth than ever, now there were TWO new guys in the mix as well. AW's provocative text message statements like "I think I'm falling in love with you" and "did I scare you away?" and "do you want in?" -- made me realize that she was going competely, totally off a cliff.

So I confronted her again -- trying to keep these guys straight, trying to figure out who is coming and going. I said she was cheating on me and having an affair, to which she looked genuine shocked and surprised that I would accuse her of such a thing. She said it was all just a joke.

I better speed up:

...she invited her slimy lying friend to live with us for 9 days over Christmas which was a nightmare
...she invited one of these guys over to our house
...my father and I "intervened" her into a medical detox at the hospital and she checked herself out 36 hours later against medical advice
...she drove our car into a pine tree 3 doors down in our subdivision


... and last, but not least, at a family wedding about a week ago, her sister told me she said she had sex with my best friend! Not that I trust her sister, or anything AW would say while drinking, but talk about crazy.

Why do I share all this? Because I'm filing for divorce after 16 years of marriage and I have really reached my breaking point. As I read some of the posts of the good men and women who try to accomodate these insane alcoholics -- I realize what SUCKERS we can all turn out to be.

Green eyed monster - yes. A monster that will destroy everything in its path if you don't run for your life.

So she moved out, she is quite distraught, and I am getting papers drawn up as we speak. I can't wait to be divorced. Even if she could sober up and convince me to forgive her, there is NO WAY, and I mean NO WAY, that I would be STUPID enough to stay married because if it happened AGAIN, I would literally die.

This is the last time. I mean the last, last time, because of all the previous last times.

I don't know if this well help anyone out there, I know it will help some people who are trying to be good husbands and wives, who are trying to be kind and gentle and merciful. Who are forgiving, longsuffering, and patient. Who have decided that maybe life isn't a bowl of cherries and that's just how it is. Who are settling for something much, much less than what they wanted out of marriage.

Warning: you might be wasting your time.

For what it's worth, and thank you all for listening,

djayr
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Old 01-22-2011, 10:27 AM
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Wow. This stuns me but also makes me nod my head and say - yep - run, Forest, run.

I got on this morning to pose a question to others out here about trying to salvage my marriage. Reading your post and your warning makes me take heed again. Which is probably what my head is trying to tell me by the insomnia and nightmares since we talked about marriage counseling. I don't think I have reached a point of true acceptance of what my future looks like if I stay married to this guy - very well could look like yours has, and 5, 10, 15 years later I am leaving a similar post on the internet somewhere. Or, this could be a complete life-changing experience for him and we are able to pick up the pieces and go on - as grown ups in a healthy marriage. Since I retired my crystal ball, I've had to just have plain old faith in myself to make the right decision, or to at least feel good about whatever decision that may be.

Thank you for sharing your painful story. It breaks my heart; for you knowing the high hopes you have had (I have them too) and for your wife who will someday sober up again and the shame she'll have to face. Is it really that powerful to turn people into complete monsters?! I have more than two drinks at a time and it makes me sick to my stomach... I guess I am still struggling to understand this from a non-alcoholic point of view and maybe that's just impossible. Have any of you out there just quit drinking alcohol even though you are not an alcoholic, because you have born witness to the damage it causes? I used to love a good microbrew. Now its hard to sit with a drink in my hand and not have flashbacks to some horrid experiences.

I wish you well and hope your life just gets better from this point forward. I am sure you are doing the right thing for you, as lousy as it is to have to make a decision like this. But letting another destroy us with their disease and issues is not worth it.

Take good care.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:33 AM
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Please don't beat yourself up.

You were NOT a fool, you were/are a kind, loving, patient man who was horribly betrayed. It can happen to anyone. And it isn't exclusive to spouses of alcoholics.

I'm glad you are getting out of this situation.

Hugs,
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Old 01-22-2011, 12:41 PM
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I can't pull them up right now, but I've read a few really good articles recommended by people here about what happens to an alcoholic's brain when they become alcoholics. At first, they made me furious because I felt they sort of "excused" why someone I gave up everything for could spit me in the face and tell me I was worth s***. But then I realized that it actually helped me to think of it as him not being the same person I fell in love with. Accepting that that person was gone. As much as if his body had been taken over by body snatchers.

I can relate to your sense of utter betrayal and disbelief. And your beating yourself up. It sounds like a backwards thing to say, but I think it's a good thing that you've come to the place where you know there's no going back. I think all those years of hoping and seeing your hope thwarted are much worse than the purgatorio of getting out of an alcoholic marriage. At least that's my experience. And I wish you strength, love, and supportive surroundings during that journey. Just remember that you will come out on the other side, even if it doesn't feel like it every day.
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:14 PM
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Thank you for sharing your painful story.......so much of it is ringing true for me too...and Lillamy the body snatchers?! OMG So So true!!

I am struggling right now living with my AH...and I thank you for your post as there is so much there that relates to me right now.

Take Care Phiz
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Old 01-22-2011, 03:58 PM
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A few days ago, I read something similar to this here on F&F of A's.

"I am already alone, AH hasn't wanted to be sober for so long that I spend all my time by myself. " Personally, I'm finding the physical act of leaving very hard to do.

I've read your post. I get your warning--"You might be wasting your time".

I don't like hearing that, but I sense truth in what you say.

I'm on a mission to take my life back. I'm afraid. I'm too damn old to turn my life upside down and start over. But I don't want my life story to end like some Greek Tragedy. Stories like yours help me gather courage and stay focused in Reality.

djayr, I wish you the very best.
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Old 01-22-2011, 08:35 PM
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djayr, my gosh, what a post. I too, just found out this past Monday that my AH joined an online dating service. It's devastating. I feel like I've wasted so much time "praying,hoping, waiting " for him to see the light.
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Old 01-22-2011, 09:30 PM
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Eye Opener

OMG!!! I am so sorry for you. It's so hard to believe that she would go back after being clean for so long, going to church with you, getting another chance at your marriage. Man this stuff is so hard to hear!!

My husband is sober about 100 days (so he says). We are separated now. Wants to reconcile, work things out, done drinking, done with porn going to meetings 2-3 x day etc. etc. but here is the big clue that he has a long way to go towards figuring things out---he said to me - "Now as soon as you straighten out, things are going to be great."

I almost fell out of my chair!! He walked out on me and our three little ones aged 7, 5, and 16 mos and has given no financial support, not working, and is living with mom and dad 1000 miles away who are financially supporting him 100%, cooking his dinner, washing his clothes. Even bought him a car!

Anyway, it's so hard to let go of my husband bc I know that I love him and I believe he desperately loves me and the kids, but we always come behind his addictions. He has never been physically unfaithful to me, and that to me was a really awesome thing to be able to say about us, you know we have had a lot of problems, but never infidelity, but then that's what you thought too........

Thank you for putting your story out there. Makes me really think...HARD

I'll pray for you.

Hailee
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Old 01-22-2011, 10:23 PM
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keep strong. The story you posted is eerily familiar. My AW is not as bad. But the story is the same. She will say and do anything to get me past the moment I file and get me to change my mind. I suspect yours will try to. Keep her behavior in mind, and remember past performance is the best indicator of future behavior. You know it. You've seen it. I'm not saying anything new.

Best to you. I wish you well on the first day of your new life.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:50 PM
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Good Grief that is really too much.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:57 PM
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Of all the things I thought we had, it was an underlying friendship and fidelity to one another, that no matter what we went through together, at least we were faithful to one another. I felt sick, literally like I wanted to throw up, and I still do.



That's what I thought too, I was wrong. Found out, long after it stopped mattering any more, thanks HP, that my axw had been "hooking up with" the bf prior to me, for MOST of our 11 year marriage. Nice.

Funny, not ha ha, but this guy (axw's bf) and my previous wife had both been cheaters, and axw and I had whined around with each other, about just how painful those relationships had been. Nice.

She'd actually cheated on me once before, (before I knew about the on going xbf), and she lied to me, and since I didn't see "the two backed beast" with my own eyes, I believed what I "needed" to believe to keep my sanity at the time.

Next time, if I even have an "inkling" somebody's doing anything "remotely" suspicious, I'm gonna NEXT her ass. Man, life is too short, and I'm DONE with that nonsense. Take that to the bank.

Cheaters pi$$ me off, can you tell? Ha.

Thanks for the post, maybe someone will listen.

Of course I probably wouldn't have, I needed to learn the HARD PAINFUL way.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Dude, I can tell you're in a lot of pain, hope you get some outside help. Or keep coming here, we'll fix you. Ha!
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Old 01-23-2011, 11:06 AM
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I appreciate the replies and encouragement. This website is certainly a good place to find others who are in similar situations. I just saw AW yesterday and she was crying, she is miserable, she wants another chance, she has never loved anyone nearly as much as she loves me, etc etc. Still drinking of course, but saying she is doing "better". I held the line. Hilarious that she thinks one bad week for her (she has moved out to a friend's house last Sunday) balances the last 3 months of utter worry and chaos.

Tough love is going to get tougher and that's just the way it is. I told her that I am "scorched". So true. And something that has been scorched (like grass) doesn't just grow back all pretty and green one week later. It's going to take a while.

Forgot to mention . . . I own a business so I am going to have the pleasure of giving her a gigantic bucket of money + payments for many years, as a good-bye present. From where I'm sitting right now, it will be worth every penny.

All the best...
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Old 01-23-2011, 11:51 AM
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If you start losing your resolve, PLEASE come back to this thread and let us help.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 01-23-2011, 12:27 PM
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I just saw AW yesterday and she was crying, she is miserable, she wants another chance, she has never loved anyone nearly as much as she loves me, etc etc. Still drinking of course, but saying she is doing "better".

Quack.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 01-24-2011, 05:07 AM
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Don't beat yourself up about the "infidelity thing" in an alcoholic.
It is tru she may/probably/does love you more than anything/anyone else with the one exception being her love for "alcohol"

They can and do do strange things, all bets are off, they even function during blackouts.

I wouldn't drive yourself crazy. You are dealing with "CLINICAL INSANITY" and there is no reason to drive yourself crazy or stress out trying to deal with it.
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Old 01-24-2011, 07:28 AM
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djayr, are you telling my story? Geez, it sounds like it. Hang in there! I filed for divorce back in November. She will try to suck you back in.

My new saying that I adopted from another person:

She is a grown ass woman who has to figure it out for herself. Her consequences are her own and my life is now wide open to be MINE!!!
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Old 01-24-2011, 08:36 AM
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Hi djayr and wellcome.
Just wanted to say I feel your pain. I've been through what you shared too with my STBXAH more or less. Alcohol crazyness, liver cirrhosis, surviving it against all the odds, 4 months of his sobriety when I thought all my prayers were answered and that I got that happy ending all of us here dreamed about. But not so much. He started drinking again, more heavier than ever before, our home became lunatic asylum again, and than I found out he has a girlfriend, and not only that but that he cheated on me for years with so many women, that it made literaly sick. My point: I know how you feel. My other point because of which I'm writing all this is: it is so hard to stay strong in your decision to leave and not be manipulated into the whole madness again.
I'm staying strong so far, but to be honest it is real hard to maintain the clear head after it has been messed up by an A for years. My advice: cut all contact with her. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you're feeling (as there will be some wild swinging there) but keep playing that tape and reminding yourself of what you know now. That is a real hard thing to do, for many reasons but mostly because I believe we are used to care after our A's so it doesn't feel so much like you're leaving a partner as it feels like leaving a child in need. Personally I know better but still I can't shake that feeling off.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my whole married life was a lie. Not an easy thing to do, but the way I see it I have to go through all this pain, until it goes away. One day it will. I guess that is all that there is to it.

I wish you well and I wish you strength. I second coyote's advice to come back here and read and get support whenever you don't feel well or in doubt. This place has been a life saver for me.

Take care
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Old 01-24-2011, 10:39 AM
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DJ (((HUGS))))): I too left my RA after I found his txt FINALLY proving he was cheating on me.
I suspected for months and he gaslighted me over and over. It was the most painful thing I ever faced in my life. Then to finally see the proof was all I needed to leave.

This is going to be the hardest ride of your life. Even with all the recovery, cheaters rarely stop cheating.
Addicts have zero self worth and live in a very false self and the adulation of others is stronger than their desire for the booze.
Just know, this is not about you at all, but about her lack of self worth and not yours.
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Old 01-24-2011, 03:30 PM
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These replies are helpful to me, thanks!
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Old 01-24-2011, 03:48 PM
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Why would you have to give her buckets of money if she was cheating? Isn't infidelity grounds? I feel for you. My AXH was on Match.com saying he was divorced when we were still married. It in the long run did me a favor pushing me to divorce him. Now 3 yrs. later I am so much better off mentally and emotionally and physically. I found me again. They are so spiritually bankrupt, morally too.
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