pixilation

I spent the evening out of the house, the kids and I were gone before AH got home. I was at my sister's dropping off some bins(I'm cleaning out the attic slowly, well, was doing it slowly, more on that) and she gave me about 6 bags of food that her son won't eat(I'm sure she made that up however, and just decided to give it all to me)

Stayed there until after 9, it was nice and calm. I haven't been that relaxed in awhile. the kids all hung out downstairs, there was no yelling at each other, no screaming, it was so nice and quiet.

Afterwards ran a few errands, younger 2 kids fell asleep so it was just 15yo and I awake on the way home. Talked to him some more about things, etc.

Got home, 4 beers in, happy stage. He'd bought and properly installed a new kitchen faucet.

8 beers in, he starts talking about the past, his PTSD, and even gives me his list of "stuck points" Starts trying to engage me, I sat down on the computer and started doing random stuff, blogs and lolcats, and anything to keep my attention from him.

Didn't work, he forced me to engage.First after he starts ragging on me about reading his list, I turn it back on him(bad BAD I know..the list was almost identical to what I would've said to a psych, and I read it to him as they were my stuck points) and then I mention my major trigger, the loud stereo. I also told him I would not under any circumstances go to dinner with his brother(the same one from earlier today) and his girlfriend, and said I was done, I would talk to him next when he was sober.

Yeah, that set him off, started the music at that point. Youngest was woken up(big surprise) so I then spent 2 hours in my bedroom with him, shivering(stress reaction) trying to keep him asleep, listening to his rants and the horrible music.

He has drill tomorrow, during that time I'm going to pack up some more essentials(the 6 bags of food my sister gave me are still in my van, it's -13F right now, no worries about it going bad, well most of it, I'm going to go get the canned stuff right now) and find a place to stay for tomorrow night, I don't want to stay here. I'm still really keyed up right now, and there's almost no way I'm going to sleep. I am now calling a lawyer on Monday.

Off to watch some Netflix, after I go find a couple of blankets, have to try to get these shivers to go away.

Floss

Pixilation, I'm really feeling for you. I hope you're okay...

pixilation

I am fine now, he's passed out. Trying to, unsuccessfully I might add, unwind.

pixilation

and you know, I'm so tired of wasting tears on him. Why can't I stop crying about it all? I thought I was tougher than all of this.

Hollyanne

Hey Pix,
It is me Hollyanne, Just want to say, under the exhaustion in your voice, I can hear resolve.
And, I want to let you know, I still pray for you by name. You are soooooooo done there aren't you? God, he sounds like a piece of work!
In between the madness, you are getting glimpses of the potential peace just ahead. For example, at your sister's and in the car with the 15yr old. You will make it. I am really sorry that you have to deal with this.
Big hugs.

barb dwyer

We're here, Pix.

Tears later.
Tears workbest when the just ... show up anyhow.

You've got a plan now.

Maybe you just needed that last ... bit.

SoloMio

Just a note to tell you I'm with you. Hate that loud stereo thing!! Unfortunately there are some really good musical artists that I can no longer listen to because it makes my stomach churn with bad memories.

Keep those nice peaceful moments with your sister top-of-mind and know that that can be yours--you and the kids deserve it!

wicked

Way to take care of yourself Pixelation.
I know how an accumaltion builds up, and there was no turning back from that.
I hope your are soon in a quiet peaceful place with your children.

Beth

stella27

hi Pix. You are tough and you are a good mama. Take care of yourself and those babies.

pixilation

Thanks, slept horribly, but I did get at least a few hours. He's still here, the one thing I did was move the alarm clock to the living room. He apparently shut it off with his booted foot, and went back to sleep. I'm sure he'll get in some sort of trouble for it, but I did all I was willing to do to wake him up for it.

I kept trying to say to myself "don't engage, don't engage" and quacking in my head, but it wasn't enough. The anger I saw on his face, in his actions when I told him no about going to dinner with BIL/gf was terrifying. He really didn't like that I set up the boundary, didn't like it one bit.

Thumper

You ARE tough. You have been being tough/smart for awhile now and you continue to take steps to manage your life. You are doing good. Tears, sadness, some level of being afraid of the next step....those things do not mean you are not tough. Those feelings are normal! You are doing the next right thing for yourself and your children despite that and that makes you BRAVE.

If his anger is scaring you, do not hesitate to call your Domestic Violence hot line and ask for some help/guidance. They exist for that purpose. They want people to call them. They don't ever get off the phone and say 'that woman didn't need us.' They think 'I'm so glad she called us now, at this stage.' Seek the help you need.

pixilation

I was dumb and didn't have my phone on my body. I had it in my coat, and I was afraid to actually move from the chair to retrieve it.

He finally left for drill, now I'm going to put 2yo down for a nap, and I'm heading there too. Then when I wake up I'll start figuring out what to do tonight. But I need some sleep first.

I had to snicker at him a bit, he started ranting about my mom and my sister, how they would stand up for him at court. He doesn't know that I'm really talking to them again at all.

pixilation

Oh wow, I needed that nap. My body is still a bundle of stress though, my back is horribly stiff, and I know that it's from how tense I am.

AH hasn't come back home yet, I'm not complaining. I'm about to go move some stuff to the van. I do have my emergency overnight bag in there, but nothing else.

Live

I am really glad you got some rest!

StarCat

It feels good to be moving forward, though, oh yes.

I'm glad you got a well-deserved nap! <3

pixilation

Well, he went straight to bed when he got home, so we'll be staying tonight. I am going to call my sister tomorrow though, let her know I'm bringing another load in tomorrow, and informing her on the latest.