Does this get any easier? I need your input, please.
 

Last Wednesday, my ABF came home from a 30 day treatment program. I was very optimistic that things were going to be a lot better once he came home because he seemed very confident that he was "ready." We made promises to each other that we would not let things get heated and we would walk away if it started to come to that point. (You can search my posts to find out more of our background if you'd like to know more.)

The first few days that he was home, I felt so much resentment towards him. I had literally been a single parent since Nov 15, 2010 because of the jail time and then rehab. Not to mention the last 5 years I have felt like a single parent because of all the drinking and going out. All I wanted was for him to help me out a little bit. Pick up the girls' toys, throw a load of laundry in, or load the dishwasher every once in a while. Not much, just something to ease the pressure off of me for a bit. All he wanted to do was sleep. He slept the first few days he was home. I had to practically beg him for some help.

We have argued over nearly everything. I can't help but to think that if he were going to meetings every single night that it wouldn't be as bad. He has only been to 4 meetings since rehab; 2 of them have been last night and tonight. I have been going to weekly counseling appointments, Al-Anon, reading Codependent No More, Courage to Change, and One Day at a Time. I get on here and read daily, sometimes several times a day.

Even though I am doing these things, I am finding it very hard to let things go and not worry about what he is doing. I feel like I can't help it at all. I hate feeling so helpless. I feel like he is getting more enjoyment out of texting his rehab friends and going to visit them more than he wants to spend time with his family. All I heard while he was gone, was that he missed me and the kids and he just wanted us to be the perfect little family. I am just not seeing that right now. I know that this will take time, but I didn't think that things were going to be so hostile so soon either.

I don't know, does this get any easier? I am about ready to give up and just throw in the towel. I am not so sure I can take him being so selfish, or if this is just part of it. I love him and I want us to be a family. Am I being selfish for wanting help around the house or wanting him to want to spend time with us?

Thank you for reading this. I just feel a little lost right now.

Hi Brittbritt,

From what it sounds like, right now at least, your BF seems to be willing to continue his recovery after rehab. That seems positive. I can also understand how you must be feeling lost and resentful in that you've had all the responsibility raising children, looking after the home, finances and everything partners of active A's have to do on their own in order to survive. And now that he's home, you understandably have had the expectation that finally, after all this time, he may start taking some of the load.

He's been to four meetings since last Wednesday and he's spending time with his rehab friends. Meetings are positive and if his rehab friends are committed to sobriety, that seems to be positive too.

I've read on here that recovery has to become their first priority and that when people are new to recovery, they relate to and need to be around others going through the same thing. I've also read that in time, recovering addicts need to learn to live in the real world, with real responsibilities including family responsibilities. How long that takes? I have no idea.

I would say, it's early days yet especially since he was only in rehab for a month and only came out on Wednesday. This is where all your recovery work steps in and it sounds like you're trying hard to maintain that. Unfortunately I have no experience to offer you on how long it takes or what twists and turns to expect when a partner is in recovery because I haven't had a partner who has taken that step. Sometimes when I read posts like yours, I think that if my partner, (particularly my ex alcoholic defacto) chose to go into recovery, and I knew in my gut he was committed to it, I'd support him to go to as many meetings as he chose to go to. As many meetings with his sponsor and with the fellowship etc. Anything as long as it kept him alive and sober because sadly at the rate my ex is going he can't continue for much longer. Then I read another current thread on here where a man is having trouble with his recovering wife coming home from meetings at 2am leaving him at home with the kids. I'd have a big problem with 2am too. And I've read your post and I can see the pain you're going through. So, if I was in your situation, for real, I don't know how I'd be feeling.

Only you can gauge how much you can take, whether you think your partner's actions regarding his recovery are reasonable or not. Whether he's deliberately shirking all responsibilities at home or not. I don't know if I've made any sense in this post? And I'm not sure I'm helping that much. I'm sure there will be plenty of others who have gone through similar experiences and will soon offer their words of wisdom. Take care brittbritt.

Hi Britt -

I've got nothin. Just wanted you to know someone's here.

I just know that it's hard for both of you and you have to work on you while he works on him. not particularly easy in a marriage and family situation, is it?

I have no advice, but I do hear you, and I wish you stamina and strength and a certain amount of selfishness.

The sleeping thing is pretty normal for early recovery. My sleep schedule was all out of whack for awhile.

I understand your impatience to get some help after he's been away for so long, but try to be as patient as you can for right now. He's doing some important stuff that will pay off in the long term if he sticks with it.

Hugs, hang in there!

Thank you all for your responses! I think that I got my hopes up and had unrealistic expectations of what it would be like when he came home. I honestly didn't think that it would be as difficult for him as it has been.

I will definitely work on being more patient with him. I never wanted anything more than for him to be sober and now I am complaining about what he is doing while he is sober. I should be grateful that he is sober.

You should ALSO do some things to take care of yourself. It will go a long way toward feeling less resentment. You must have had a caregiver take care of the kids at least occasionally while he was away. Why not continue to do that from time to time so you can get a break and go out for coffee with a friend, make an Al-Anon meeting, get your nails done or something.