TakingCharge999

I did 18 hours of overtime last weekend. Worked normally this week.
I am exhausted.

I just sent an email to my manager asking him what can be done. I suggested arriving an hour later to the office the next 3 weeks. I could use it for early morning yoga.

I feel fear but I am glad I am taking a baby step.

If he does not reply by Tuesday I will go to the manager of the account and ask her to talk to him.

I have a coworker that encouraged me to speak up at the workplace. I need more friends like that. I look like a zombie. Going to sleep in half an hour.

Thanks for letting me share. I hope you all have a great weekend.

Live

Great big huge hurray for you!!!

barb dwyer

good for you!

TakingCharge999

Thanks Live you are always there for me, like many others here in SR!

I asked for a day off in exchange of the new year day that was a national holiday so at least next weekend will be a long one with my friends in my home town. *Sigh of relief*..

Incredible how even asking for the smallest thing takes a lot from me!!

TakingCharge999

Thanks barb
Have a good weekend

lillamy

Good for you!!! Now nap!

wicked

TC,

I love that new avatar!
And, yes, this princess (TC) is saving herself.
Excellent.
Good for you.

Beth

TakingCharge999

Thanks wicked. My sister sent it to me. We used to play Mario Bros in Nintendo non stop for days!! I tried to turn it into a brunette like me but I was too lazy to mess around in Fireworks.

I am all cozy in my pijamas watching Fox life. It is very silent. Eating a salad. Peace, how wonderful it is. It is heaven.

TakingCharge999

Things have improved at work...
I take more time to eat, sleep, do what I need to do... progress, not perfection.

I do not know if it has to do with being the only woman in a large IT team but I have been told I am the one that is the hardest working. Wonder if I want to be approved/demonstrate that I can.

Anyway I am glad to report I am recovering from workaholism.

Something else is that I noticed is that I am getting slightly more support... my manager told me to balance more my personal life with work life... another team's manager told me I work very hard and am smart.. and my new team lead told me I need to relax and take days off and to put boundaries to people that are too demanding.


I noticed I am afraid of standing out and doing a good job.
I self boycott.
I do an excellent job ! well I go "beyond" the expected, but when its time to report it I don't give myself credit for it.

How pathetic.



Anyway acknowledgment of the problem is the first step.

Incredible how "waiting for the worst to happen" is so embedded in me, when I called this new team lead I thought I had done something wrong, or it was about a complaint or something and there he was telling me to relax and take care of myself and that it has not been fair to give me so much work.

I am getting teary.. I realize how little value I gave my time and work, before.. and now sometimes. Sheesh.


Progress not perfection...

theuncertainty

This part, right here:
Stop it.

Progress, not perfection is right. I'm glad that your team leaders and supervisor can see what a great asset you are to the team! I've been dealing with the same feelings of low-self-worth on the job front.

My boss asked me to come into her office after her meeting the other day and I was SURE I'd messed something up and she was calling me in for a reprimand. I spent the hour wracking my brain on what I'd worked on recently and going through the files.

Turned out she wanted my input on some form revisions and the upcoming records retention work. Just gotta say, it's a pretty cool feeling to realize that your boss is asking for your input projects. And here I was gearing up to be fired. Meh.... I've even had a manager-level co-worker call me an 'up and coming starlette with the company' during an intro to a several-department meeting. I remember thinking, OMG, she's confused me with some one else, but there were nods of agreement and no hint of them being condescending.

Isn't it amazing that others are able to see what a wonderful job we do but we only see or imagine the mistakes?

LaPinturaBella

TC...I too am a perfectionist in work...good enough doesn't cut it. I have to excell to the nth degree...and keep up that insane pace. I think it's part of being a codie.

However, what a self-esteem booster for you! You have identified that yo don't give yourself credit, that you are seeking outside approval. And here, when you think you're going to get into trouble you have what, four, co-workers/managers/team leaders COMPLIMENT YOU FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THAT YOU DESERVE THE COMPLIMENTS!!!

It sounds like progress is right! And HP arranged for you to get the pats on the back so you keep up with your amazing recovery! :day6

NYCDoglvr

That's wonderful ... I know how hard it is, especially at first. But it does get easier....

ItsmeAlice

I know just how you are feeling, TC.

I realize just how much validation and support I missed growing up and how I obsessively seek it out it. All I want is approval. And yet...when I am genuinely thanked and appreciated for the things I do, I quickly retreat from it. Why?? Isn't that what I'm seeking. I should be basking in it. I should be devouring it like a fresh pastry. You would think I'd want to hear it repeated daily.

Just saying 'thank you' back even feels like I've solicited the accolades somehow.

I sometimes hear others in conversation receive compliments on their work or their generosity and they seem to say thank you and then elaborate on how they went about their actions adding in others ways they've worked hard or mentioning how selfless they intended to be and thereby receiving additional praise. It seems like they are digging for compliments. If it's noticeable to me, it surely is noticeable to the those showing their gratitude. Maybe I fear being that person.

This is something you and I shall work on, my friend. I think you are right that starting within ourselves and giving those accolades and gratitude to ourselves seems like a good place to start. Challenging ourselves to do better and be better in our work and in our personal lives is part of living and growing so owe ourselves thanks for it. Makes us better, makes us stronger, makes us test our personal limits.

I think once we make progress there, accepting those compliments will be something we appreciate but do not build emotions onto. No guilt or shame. Could there be such a thing as detachment from a compliment??? If not, I believe we have found a use for it

Hugs to you.

Alice

TakingCharge999

Wow thank you all for your posts and support!

uncertainty, starlette is right! how wonderful that they told that to you in public and everyone agreed! I would have felt uncomfortable too , like an impostor... sheesh

When I pass my badge to open the electronic door I have this feeling if it won't pass.. sheesh...

Its Me Alice thanks for expressing all I feel... me too, I see others doing like 5% and acting as if they were Grand and Genious... and I also would think I would bask on those shows of approval but its feels so uncomfortable, I also realize how many times I missed acknowledgment, not even PRAISE, so its new territory. Its very sad, this realization... this hunger, so many years spent that way. So at least I left the HW store, its like I went out and someone came to me and offered me a piece of bread LOL and going really?? bread? ME?

I also notice the fact those are older men is huge, had it been women.. I don't know I always feel way more comfortable with women... older ladies.. seniors...

Thanks all you made me feel way better, knowing you get how this feels.

PS Now that I am reading about diseases and psyche I think of how blurry I see the world without contacts, and yes indeed, the vision of myself IS blurry. The book I am reading asks to spend a complete day without glasses... good reminder that no, I may also be in denial about the good things in me, and no matter who thinks differently, if I don't see it myself it won't matter....

I am glad we are all making progress removing this denial. It was time!

TakingCharge999

My last post is badly written. Sorry.... its late