Grateful she's sober, but meetings til 2AM??
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
In some ways, it's not such a bad tradeoff. I know it took a lot of pressure off me (once I got used to it, lol) for me to turn my first husband (now sober 31 years) over to people in the program instead of my feeling it was MY job to fix all his problems and build him up when he was feeling down or upset.
And the intensity does generally let up gradually as the alcoholic becomes more solid in his or her recovery. Life gets more "normal" again. There were still times when I would resent having to be home at a certain time with the kids because he had an AA commitment, but I valued his sobriety enough that it wasn't that big a deal. The imposition was a pittance compared to the chaos of living with an active alcoholic.
And the intensity does generally let up gradually as the alcoholic becomes more solid in his or her recovery. Life gets more "normal" again. There were still times when I would resent having to be home at a certain time with the kids because he had an AA commitment, but I valued his sobriety enough that it wasn't that big a deal. The imposition was a pittance compared to the chaos of living with an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hello, BlackLizrd, and welcome to this forum.
My heart goes out to you.
It's always difficult - impossible really - to truly discern when we hear only one person's viewpoint.
But...here are some of my thoughts.
Have you seen the movie, "When a Man Loves a Woman"?
He could not change and grow when his wife got sober, he could not handle the feelings of abandonment he experienced when she left to find her new life.
His whole life centered around his alcoholic wife; he loved her to the moon and back, and now she had left him to go get new friends and not be at home with her family. Maybe she would never come back?
I myself am just starting to try and work on abandonment stuff.
if we, as infants, do not experience a "secure attachment", which I guess around 40% of us do not, we WILL have issues that arise in our future attachments.
I suspect this is going on with you.
This is NOT a criticism; it is something you may choose to look at. It feels horrible to have the one we love walk away and not show us the love we yearn for.
We can fix this.
I would suggest continuing to work on your own "recovery".
Continue to attend al-anon, if for nothing else to surround yourself with recovery people, and make maybe one or two friends from the circle that understands you.
Try to minimize your resentments by perhaps getting a sitter sometimes, setting up a weekly date night with your wife, getting your own hobby or book study or something that your will find enjoyment in.
Continue to come here!
We care.
My heart goes out to you.
It's always difficult - impossible really - to truly discern when we hear only one person's viewpoint.
But...here are some of my thoughts.
Have you seen the movie, "When a Man Loves a Woman"?
He could not change and grow when his wife got sober, he could not handle the feelings of abandonment he experienced when she left to find her new life.
His whole life centered around his alcoholic wife; he loved her to the moon and back, and now she had left him to go get new friends and not be at home with her family. Maybe she would never come back?
I myself am just starting to try and work on abandonment stuff.
if we, as infants, do not experience a "secure attachment", which I guess around 40% of us do not, we WILL have issues that arise in our future attachments.
I suspect this is going on with you.
This is NOT a criticism; it is something you may choose to look at. It feels horrible to have the one we love walk away and not show us the love we yearn for.
We can fix this.
I would suggest continuing to work on your own "recovery".
Continue to attend al-anon, if for nothing else to surround yourself with recovery people, and make maybe one or two friends from the circle that understands you.
Try to minimize your resentments by perhaps getting a sitter sometimes, setting up a weekly date night with your wife, getting your own hobby or book study or something that your will find enjoyment in.
Continue to come here!
We care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
sorry about your dilemma. IMO and experience, not all recovering A' are the same nor behave the same way. also depends on the degree their brains are fried, personality, underlying maturity and innate coping ability.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Torrance, CA
Posts: 4
Yes, Shellcrusher, I do empathize with you. It seems so unfair to be placed in this position for the Duration. Life really sneaked up behind me and kicked me in the a$$. 
But it is, like Cyranoak said, my new reality. All of it. The past drinker and the present recoverer. My kids who are the truly innocent ones. My task is to look at myself and my life and make the best of it. Al-anon seems to be working although I just started and I can't seem to get to more than 2, sometimes 3 meetings a week. I can tell I'm hooked, though. It's funny about new experiences that until we catch a glimpse of what's there, we realize we had no clue what was possible. I caught a glimpse, and I see a bit more clearly now what is possible - Hope for a better way of life for me and for my wife and for my kids and for all of us together. I'm getting used to the idea of a Higher Power and I like it.
So thanks to all of you because you really did help me through a really rough time and I think I'm getting a handle on this "solution I don't like."
I'm just beginning to come out of the shell I built around myself for the past 5 and a half years. I lost contact with nearly all my friends because I didn't want to bring my problems into their lives and that's all I really wanted to think about. Terrible. Anyhow, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not really the pessimist I have become after all. I feel like an optimist today.
God bless you all,
-Chris
But it is, like Cyranoak said, my new reality. All of it. The past drinker and the present recoverer. My kids who are the truly innocent ones. My task is to look at myself and my life and make the best of it. Al-anon seems to be working although I just started and I can't seem to get to more than 2, sometimes 3 meetings a week. I can tell I'm hooked, though. It's funny about new experiences that until we catch a glimpse of what's there, we realize we had no clue what was possible. I caught a glimpse, and I see a bit more clearly now what is possible - Hope for a better way of life for me and for my wife and for my kids and for all of us together. I'm getting used to the idea of a Higher Power and I like it.So thanks to all of you because you really did help me through a really rough time and I think I'm getting a handle on this "solution I don't like."
I'm just beginning to come out of the shell I built around myself for the past 5 and a half years. I lost contact with nearly all my friends because I didn't want to bring my problems into their lives and that's all I really wanted to think about. Terrible. Anyhow, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not really the pessimist I have become after all. I feel like an optimist today.
God bless you all,
-Chris
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Torrance, CA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
I myself am just starting to try and work on abandonment stuff...
I suspect this is going on with you.
I suspect this is going on with you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
I have been thinking of this post ever since I read it last night.
I have had some friends go into recovery, A.A., or just change their lifestyle to some degree or another and some of those friendships were severed.
I thought that my friends would remain the same friend I had as before but they changed *a lot* and in some ways that I didn't expect.
Some of those changes were deliberate; they needed to shed their old friends (including me), some just drifted away due to going to meetings non-stop and making new friends and getting new insights.
I took it very personally and thought that recovery turned people into jerks. Well sometimes it really did, but the bottom line is that I feel better having them end a friendship with me to get better than end their life over their addiction.
It must be so much worse if it's your spouse, S.O., or best friend, but perhaps their change is our wake up call that we need to meet them halfway and change ourselves too. I really hope this didn't sound condescending.
I'll pray that whatever happens from this, it all works out for the best for both of you.
I have had some friends go into recovery, A.A., or just change their lifestyle to some degree or another and some of those friendships were severed.
I thought that my friends would remain the same friend I had as before but they changed *a lot* and in some ways that I didn't expect.
Some of those changes were deliberate; they needed to shed their old friends (including me), some just drifted away due to going to meetings non-stop and making new friends and getting new insights.
I took it very personally and thought that recovery turned people into jerks. Well sometimes it really did, but the bottom line is that I feel better having them end a friendship with me to get better than end their life over their addiction.
It must be so much worse if it's your spouse, S.O., or best friend, but perhaps their change is our wake up call that we need to meet them halfway and change ourselves too. I really hope this didn't sound condescending.
I'll pray that whatever happens from this, it all works out for the best for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm glad I read this topic; thank you for starting it Lizrd 
There's a group in my area kinda like the Trudgers. They have a midnight meeting and they're always lively. Every now and then my 23 year old RAD plays board games there after the meetings. She's taken a bunch from home too. We're about cleaned out and I'm not complaining; it's a world of difference from when she stole from us to feed her addiction.
I'll be honest, I was kind of jealous when she'd come home feeling and seeming so alive, while I was sitting there waiting for her. I started wishing for a late night meeting, myself lol.
I pretty much raised my kids by myself, my husband was always gone. We own a business and it took a lot of hard work, sacrifices, to become successful (I knocked on wood just now). I was used to being independent and it wasn't ever a problem, I liked the solutions I came up with for just about anything ;-)
Until my daughter lost control. That's when I tried to take control of her. I had to let go, she hit her bottom, and it took a while for me to let go again.
I had a vision of what her recovery should look like, but that isn't how it's turned out. She works her recovery the way she needs to, and I do the same for myself. I won't tolerate her trying to take my inventory, so I won't do that to her, either. I started working the program I wished she would, before she did. Then damn it all to hell, she did me one better
Lizrd, I know it's different with children and a marriage. You all have lived a certain way for 5 years, now, and it was building before that. Your kids spend time with a sober, recovering mom now, and that's the biggest and best thing so far. Pretty soon they'll have a much happier dad, too, as you continue to work your own recovery
There's a group in my area kinda like the Trudgers. They have a midnight meeting and they're always lively. Every now and then my 23 year old RAD plays board games there after the meetings. She's taken a bunch from home too. We're about cleaned out and I'm not complaining; it's a world of difference from when she stole from us to feed her addiction.
I'll be honest, I was kind of jealous when she'd come home feeling and seeming so alive, while I was sitting there waiting for her. I started wishing for a late night meeting, myself lol.
I pretty much raised my kids by myself, my husband was always gone. We own a business and it took a lot of hard work, sacrifices, to become successful (I knocked on wood just now). I was used to being independent and it wasn't ever a problem, I liked the solutions I came up with for just about anything ;-)
Until my daughter lost control. That's when I tried to take control of her. I had to let go, she hit her bottom, and it took a while for me to let go again.
I had a vision of what her recovery should look like, but that isn't how it's turned out. She works her recovery the way she needs to, and I do the same for myself. I won't tolerate her trying to take my inventory, so I won't do that to her, either. I started working the program I wished she would, before she did. Then damn it all to hell, she did me one better
Lizrd, I know it's different with children and a marriage. You all have lived a certain way for 5 years, now, and it was building before that. Your kids spend time with a sober, recovering mom now, and that's the biggest and best thing so far. Pretty soon they'll have a much happier dad, too, as you continue to work your own recovery
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