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StarlightSasha 01-19-2011 10:42 AM

XA abandoned our daughter contd...

Am having technical issues and cannot post anything in the original thread that I started a few days ago. So I thought I could start a new one and post my letter re the original topic. So......

I just ordered that book, The Grief Club. I feel like I have been grieving for the past three years (and crying for that matter). I actually haven't even stepped foot in my town (the little downtown area) more than twice since we broke up 6 months ago because I am so terrified of seeing him--especially with another woman. I just don't have the strength yet to see something like that. I miss my town though.. it's really cute and sweet and I miss taking walks, getting my coffee, reading at my favorite cafe, browsing at the boutique windows.. He hangs out in town a lot. And is 6'4 and hard to miss. Even when I can get myself to stop obsessing during the day, he is in my dreams almost every night.

He and I got into a really nasty fight when our daughter was a couple months old, and he ended up hooking up with a young alcoholic girl just a few days after that. A FEW DAYS. It was excrutiating. He eventually ended it with her and came back to me and the family, and said that if he had not been totally wasted on booze, that he never would have touched her with a ten foot pole. At any rate, I just cannot bear the pain of seeing with my own eyes him walking hand in hand with some girl. And yes, letting go of the fantasy and dream of us being a family and of him being a healthy person embracing recovery and walking a path of healing together is the hardest part. Having seen glimpses of this makes it all the harder to let go of the hope that it will ever happen.

He's been gone for 6 months and one week now. His parents never contacted me after he moved out. Self-proclaimed Buddhists. It just rips my heart to shreds that even his parents do not want anything to do with their beautiful grand-daughter. It BLOWS MY MIND. My daughter is starting to come to me crying and saying through her tears, "I want my Daddy". God help me. I am trying to keep the faith that maybe one day someone will come into our lives and be a wonderful father to my daughter.

I did go down to the child support office. Based on his job hours and pay rate, I would be looking at getting about $18.00 a week. I didn't pursue it for now. I know I will have to though in the near future.

I CANNOT WAIT to get to the point where I can see him and actually feel gratitude that he is gone. It seems so far away. I can't believe it's been 6 months since he left and I still feel the amount of pain that I do. And he is off, with someone else, living his life and moving on. It hurts like nothing else. And I feel so, so, so incredibly lonely.

Thank you for being with me on my journey here. I actually feel like a have some new friends in my life because of this forum and that is precious. I love and appreciate hearing all of your experience, strength and hope more than anything right now.
(((HUGS))) ~Sasha @--->--

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