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tell me why this is not a good idea

Old 01-19-2011, 07:29 AM
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tell me why this is not a good idea

My AH is leaving.He has removed his name from our joint tenancy agreement and is staying with his daughter.He has a house lined up to move in next week.He has not had a drink since Thursdy ,and says he has finally realised that he is an alcoholic and the only hope is to stop drinking altogether.This is certainly a new one,previously he has been able to stop,often for several weeks without any obvious symptoms but this time he had a seizure and ended up in hospital.He is terrified and is going to an addiction centre ,and says he will attend AA.
The thing is that I haven't filed for divorce as I was so sure I would, I broke down in tears at the soliciors office and she advised me to wait a while if I was unsure.He is verbally aggressive and difficult,though not phyisically abusive.I would like to live separately but stll see each other .I have not made his sobriety a condition to this but have made it clear that if he was drunk or had a drink in the time we spent together I would simply leave.We have been married 23 years and have two grown up children, both now left home.Am I being realistic in thinking this might work out.The solicitor says that by removing his name from the tenancy he has no right to be there against my wishes ,so if he was to turn up drunk or just become a nusiance I could have him removed
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:38 AM
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I wish I could help but I truly feel no one can make this decision but you. And, if for today, you don't know the answer - you don't have to.

It's a crazy rough road - I really wish you peace.
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:54 AM
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Roisin -

If there's no rush... then take today and live in it.

If you are physically safe -
and that can't be threatened -

then there's no hurry to do all this other stuff.

If your money is safe.
Your property is undisputed

no one can threaten you with anything...

then take your time about getting the 'finals' done.

Hit a few meetings,
re arrange the furniture...
decorate like you always WANTED to do...

see how you feel when the paper lands on the carpet.

Everything is still way up in the air right now.

There's only one way that he can 'prove' he's doing the change thing.
ANd it won't be by this weekend.

Now you're at the part that takes time.
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:55 AM
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hi roisin-

that's a lot of change in a short time. you don't have to make any decisions today.

for today, he is out of your space. he says he will go to AA.

for today, you have the space to yourself and he is off of the lease.

that's enough for today! take it easy, be gentle with yourself, treat yourself to something you enjoy...a nice big healthy salad? a long soak in the tub with some essential oils?

you don't need to make any decisions. let it all settle a bit and just take it one day at a time.
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:19 AM
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I agree with whereisthisgoin. I'm in such a similar situation - hope to post my on thread soon.

All I can say is it's been a week since I moved out of the bedroom and a week since his last relapse ... we've been married for 21 years - no kids. I'm almost numb with trying to sort out my decision.

My "thoughts" are all over the place and I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself "this decision is aobut me". I worry about hurting others, loosing close family ties, etc. we both have good families.

This decision is about YOU. Our codie side begins to worry about everyone else and everything else. Do what's right for you ...

Hang in there
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:40 AM
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I'm sure this is a scary time for you. You don't have to figure this all out at once.

If you don't have a support system, friends or family, find one. It makes all the difference. Alanon is a good place to start.
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:51 AM
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He's out, so you will not have regular, daily contact with him. Right now, that's what you need.

It's hard to sort through all the feelings you have and figure out the best course of action when you're still right in the middle of the insanity. Now that you have some peace and quiet to think, you can start sorting out yourself, and then figure out what the real you wants to do.

Any decisions made now are suspect, because you're not yourself yet.
You're doing the right thing. Take your time, take care of yourself, and make the decisions once your head is clear.
Right now, just relax, and breathe. <3
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:09 PM
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Roisin..your certainly not alone. I'm leaving my AW this weekend and moving into an apartment. lots of tough decisions to make. Have been married over 24 years but couldn't deal with all the craziness anymore. Not sure what is going to happen from here but looking forward to ending the tension and drama for awhile. Don't plan on filing for divorce right now and hoping she will discover that its the booze and not me thats causing her unhappiness. it's hard to know what to expect on her end because she's not very rational. If she were to file immediately then i will just have to respond to it. Sad though because we both still love each other but she just loves the bottle a little more.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:50 PM
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I agree with everyone else. There isn't a reason that you need to make a decision today if you just aren't there. I waited for two months after XAH left before I even talked with an attorney. It wasn't that I didn't know that it was going to happen, I just needed some time to deal with the emotional part before I could deal with the business part.

Be kind to yourself.
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Old 01-19-2011, 01:46 PM
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Hi, Roisin. I did the same thing: I went in and met with a lawyer, spoke with him about the case, filled out the paperwork to become a client and left without signing after sitting in his conference room for about 10-15 minutes.

I wondered what the heck was wrong with me. I'd left (now) XAH 2 years before, he was abusive, he was lying to me about where he was living and with whom, he lied about having cancer, he was treating our DS like baggage, the list went on and on, but I still couldn't do it.

Dear friends here at SR told me the same thing: So you weren't ready this time. When you're ready, you'll know it and will make it happen. Don't beat yourself up about it, it's a huge decision.

I can tell you they were right. Please know that you can take all the time you need. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Big hugs.
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Old 01-19-2011, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
When you're ready, you'll know it and will make it happen.
I think, too, things like this - if you rush, you'll start to regret or change your mind. Really, it's like trying to rush an alcoholic to be sober, they may do it, but a relapse is certainly extremely likely.
If you wait until you're ready, though, it's a weight off your shoulders and a smile on your face.
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Old 01-19-2011, 02:51 PM
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If I do something that I have doubts about, something that isn't feeling "right", it can play with my thoughts and emotions in a very negative way.

I left my AH after 27 years, and didn't consider divorce as an annulment was not on the cards, so figured "why bother?"

It was AH who instigated divorce action, 4 years later.....sending me the papers via my daughter, instead of a bailiff.....and I decided to let him have it, if he felt it that necessary.
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Old 01-19-2011, 03:13 PM
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I'm so sorry for your pain. I suggest just sitting for the moment and giving him all the space that he needs. He needs to walk in the doors of AA alone and face his own demons. It would be a big gift to him not to put the pressure of filing for divorce. It may happen anyway, but you'll feel better as well not acting impulsively.
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Old 01-19-2011, 03:17 PM
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You know how AA talks about "One Day At A Time"?
Well, that's true for those of us on the friends & family side, too.
Frankly, there have been days when one day at a time has been too much for me to handle, and I've taken it hour by hour, or ten minutes by ten minutes.

Someone gave me advice much in the vein of what barb dwyer was saying: Not only do you not have to plan the rest of your life right now, you can't. So do what's right in front of you: Make your bed. Do your dishes. Make yourself a cup of tea. Watch a movie. Read a book. Go for a walk. And deal with the rest of life as it comes. Big hugs to you.
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Old 01-19-2011, 04:25 PM
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Am I being realistic in thinking this might work out.
not at all, it could. unrealistic would be pinning all your hopes on only this scenario occurring. if you don't want to live with him (which sounds wise) but don't want to divorce, and would rather watch and see whether still seeing each other works for you, then watch and see. You seem to be taking a number of steps to ensure your safety and serenity no matter what happens with him, or your future choices, which is great!

(())
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