Today I Feel...
What kind of car, uncertainty?
Nervous - Tomorrow the movers are coming to move XABF's stuff, and I'm not sure what will happen.
Excited - Tomorrow the movers are coming to move XABF's stuff, and I won't have any of his stuff around anymore.
Happy - I may be seeing my Uncle, Aunt, and two cousins this weekend. I haven't seen them in forever. <3
Nervous - Tomorrow the movers are coming to move XABF's stuff, and I'm not sure what will happen.
Excited - Tomorrow the movers are coming to move XABF's stuff, and I won't have any of his stuff around anymore.
Happy - I may be seeing my Uncle, Aunt, and two cousins this weekend. I haven't seen them in forever. <3
So, a bit OT, but I have to: I got a Subaru Outback. It's safe, dependable and drives really well on the winter roads, and even though it's not as big as the Hummers and Denali's out there, feels a lot bigger than my last car. It also seems to get about the same MPG as my little one did. And there are about a million on the roads up here , so it does blend in well.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Today I have felt very frustrated. Especially when my mother's words appeared to be her rejecting my answer to her problem, especially given that my answer, if implemented, comes at great personal sacrifice to ME!! I mean, how DARE she reject even for a moment my help!? How dare she reject my answer because she is worried I'd be taking on too much responsibility?! Or because it won't really solve "the problem," which is that AF will continue to be A. Goddamn it. When is this ******* problem going to go away?
WOW! Thank you for this thread TheUncertainty! I really needed to work through this like I just did. Guess I'm still pretty damn Codependent
Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry if my negativity is toxic. If so, please feel free to just ignore me.
WOW! Thank you for this thread TheUncertainty! I really needed to work through this like I just did. Guess I'm still pretty damn Codependent
Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry if my negativity is toxic. If so, please feel free to just ignore me.
Today I feel... well... not what I felt on the 19th when I first posted on this thread! Today I am pissed as hell and would really like to tell AH off - I even drove by his (my) old neighborhood and actually had a fleeting thought of going over there to do just that. Today I am angry that I not only suffered for two years, but walk away with less than nothing and he gets the house (ok, I really didn't like that house anyway but STILL!!)
And then I read my post on the 19th and realized this is just another down slope in the roller coaster ride. Tomorrow I may be on the way up again. But for today, I am just going to be MAD. It's just not FAIR! I wanted things to be MY WAY!
Now...back to reality. *SIGH*.
And then I read my post on the 19th and realized this is just another down slope in the roller coaster ride. Tomorrow I may be on the way up again. But for today, I am just going to be MAD. It's just not FAIR! I wanted things to be MY WAY!
Now...back to reality. *SIGH*.
Today, I feel
rested because I was able to take a mental health day and a long nap. It's amazing what catching up on sleep does for my outlook on life!
determined that no matter how long it takes, I will fight for the emotional health of my children, whatever it takes.
joyful because my children have so much heart and strength
blessed because I have people in my life that love me and support me
rested because I was able to take a mental health day and a long nap. It's amazing what catching up on sleep does for my outlook on life!
determined that no matter how long it takes, I will fight for the emotional health of my children, whatever it takes.
joyful because my children have so much heart and strength
blessed because I have people in my life that love me and support me
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
I feel grateful for SR and that peace in life and recovery are forever (or, however long you want it to be) and crisis and acrimony are temporary and I don't have to feed it.
Good for realizing that I'm just being used as a quasi-therapist whenever it suits him, and that there's nothing to be gained from this.
Regretful for sending pictures of me to him so soon, and paranoid he might do something bad with them.
Stupid for re-opening the door and letting him back into my life.
But hopeful because I'm still young and have a lot more miles and opportunities ahead, including the kind of boyfriend who is right for me.
Hang in there Tuffgirl! And thank you so much for starting this wonderful thread!
Good for realizing that I'm just being used as a quasi-therapist whenever it suits him, and that there's nothing to be gained from this.
Regretful for sending pictures of me to him so soon, and paranoid he might do something bad with them.
Stupid for re-opening the door and letting him back into my life.
But hopeful because I'm still young and have a lot more miles and opportunities ahead, including the kind of boyfriend who is right for me.
Hang in there Tuffgirl! And thank you so much for starting this wonderful thread!
Tired - same old....
Annoyed - XAH continues to refuse to correspond about parent-teacher, school events or weekends. I only know that they plan to attend the birthday party that DS is invited to this weekend because GF told my sister when we picked up DS last Sunday that they'll wrap C's birthday present. DS then said that "Yeah! They've invited So-and-So too!" (XAH & GF's druggie friend and his kids.)
Resigned - This is par for the course and very unlikely to ever change.
Hopeful - I'm spending the weekend in the ski-town down the road with my sister and her family - which is also where the birthday party will be that I was going to miss. I spoke with friends (DS's classmates parents) about the B-day party and have decided to go even if XAH and GF show up with their druggie friends. My friends will let me stick by their sides. Kind of circle the wagons, so to speak.
Suspicious - Frankly, I'm kind of thinking that they didn't actually plan to go to the birthday party and by asking them to pick DS up at the party, which is 40 minutes away from our homes, I'm opening a kettle of worms and he'll decide to go some where with DS and make me drive to some insane location to pick him up the next weekend.
Apprehensive - I'm about to send an e-mail to XAH telling him we'll be at the ski-town and can drop DS at the party so they can go straight to the party rather than picking DS up at our home at their normal pick-up time, which would make them 40+ minutes late to the party. And I will then have to spend part of Saturday in the same room as XAH, his GF and their druggie friend, who they invited along to the party....
But the birthday party parents are MY friends.
Annoyed - XAH continues to refuse to correspond about parent-teacher, school events or weekends. I only know that they plan to attend the birthday party that DS is invited to this weekend because GF told my sister when we picked up DS last Sunday that they'll wrap C's birthday present. DS then said that "Yeah! They've invited So-and-So too!" (XAH & GF's druggie friend and his kids.)
Resigned - This is par for the course and very unlikely to ever change.
Hopeful - I'm spending the weekend in the ski-town down the road with my sister and her family - which is also where the birthday party will be that I was going to miss. I spoke with friends (DS's classmates parents) about the B-day party and have decided to go even if XAH and GF show up with their druggie friends. My friends will let me stick by their sides. Kind of circle the wagons, so to speak.
Suspicious - Frankly, I'm kind of thinking that they didn't actually plan to go to the birthday party and by asking them to pick DS up at the party, which is 40 minutes away from our homes, I'm opening a kettle of worms and he'll decide to go some where with DS and make me drive to some insane location to pick him up the next weekend.
Apprehensive - I'm about to send an e-mail to XAH telling him we'll be at the ski-town and can drop DS at the party so they can go straight to the party rather than picking DS up at our home at their normal pick-up time, which would make them 40+ minutes late to the party. And I will then have to spend part of Saturday in the same room as XAH, his GF and their druggie friend, who they invited along to the party....
But the birthday party parents are MY friends.
Today I feel...
Calm. I am not rushing, I am not hurt, I am not upset, I am just me today. It's a feeling I had forgotten. I thoroughly enjoy it.
Frustrated. I am hungry, I want to get a snack from the vending machine, but the smallest bill I have is $5.
Impatient. I can't leave work for another 2 hours. I wish this clock had a fast forward button. (Ha ha, reminds me of the sign up at the clock in one of my old jobs. "This clock will never be stolen. The employees are always watching it.")
Excited. My Al-Anon meeting is tonight, and I am looking forward to attending, listening, talking, and seeing how everyone is doing. I enjoy attending, it's like a booster shot for my mood and self-confidence, and helps me stay positive throughout the rest of the week until my next meeting.
Amazed. One of the guys from work asked about XABF, and if I still talk to him... I tried not to say anything about the drinking, but throughout the course of the conversation it kinda "came out"... and he let on that he has been going to AA for the last 15 years! I never would have guessed that one.
It seems like every time I am afraid of being judged about something, the person I finally admit things to knows exactly what I'm talking about - from personal experience. Wow.
Calm. I am not rushing, I am not hurt, I am not upset, I am just me today. It's a feeling I had forgotten. I thoroughly enjoy it.
Frustrated. I am hungry, I want to get a snack from the vending machine, but the smallest bill I have is $5.
Impatient. I can't leave work for another 2 hours. I wish this clock had a fast forward button. (Ha ha, reminds me of the sign up at the clock in one of my old jobs. "This clock will never be stolen. The employees are always watching it.")
Excited. My Al-Anon meeting is tonight, and I am looking forward to attending, listening, talking, and seeing how everyone is doing. I enjoy attending, it's like a booster shot for my mood and self-confidence, and helps me stay positive throughout the rest of the week until my next meeting.
Amazed. One of the guys from work asked about XABF, and if I still talk to him... I tried not to say anything about the drinking, but throughout the course of the conversation it kinda "came out"... and he let on that he has been going to AA for the last 15 years! I never would have guessed that one.
It seems like every time I am afraid of being judged about something, the person I finally admit things to knows exactly what I'm talking about - from personal experience. Wow.
Thanks for bumping+posting, StarCat.
Discouraged - bills are starting to seem never ending and like I'm always paycheck to paycheck. My mom just told me she's not coming back for the summer to watch DS and his cousins like she'd said she would. It looks like all day daycare will pretty much take one entire paycheck each month this summer. I'd hoped to be able to save a bit towards a home downpayment this summer... Or maybe get cross-country skis for DS and I for next year, or a tent for camping, now it's not looking possible. Plus, I still have attorney bills to pay, but at least she's letting me make payments.
Resentful - If XAH helped support our DS like a real father, part of the daycare costs would be paid and they wouldn't seem so daunting.
Vulnerable - I recently started talking to some one who was a really good friend and boyfriend in high school. At first it was about having some one to vent to: my divorce and custody - he has been through it a couple times - kids, and projects at work. Now, I'm finding it really hard to keep the old romance feelings at bay and I'm scared. I'm definitely not ready and I really think it's a desire to feel comforted and protected rather than a ready to date feeling. It's not like he's even acted remotely attracted beyond being friends, but.... I don't want to let go of one of my few local supports either, but maybe I have to....
Technology deprived and still like I sound like a spoiled brat - My iBook (about 10yo) died so I have to figure out a cheap way to get my photos, music, etc. off of it when it doesn't get power (I'm gonna have to take it apart and put the hard drive in an external enclosure I think....) And I still haven't been able to replace my iPod.
Wistful - I want to be outside. Right NOW. It's sunny, above zero... It's beautiful.
Discouraged - bills are starting to seem never ending and like I'm always paycheck to paycheck. My mom just told me she's not coming back for the summer to watch DS and his cousins like she'd said she would. It looks like all day daycare will pretty much take one entire paycheck each month this summer. I'd hoped to be able to save a bit towards a home downpayment this summer... Or maybe get cross-country skis for DS and I for next year, or a tent for camping, now it's not looking possible. Plus, I still have attorney bills to pay, but at least she's letting me make payments.
Resentful - If XAH helped support our DS like a real father, part of the daycare costs would be paid and they wouldn't seem so daunting.
Vulnerable - I recently started talking to some one who was a really good friend and boyfriend in high school. At first it was about having some one to vent to: my divorce and custody - he has been through it a couple times - kids, and projects at work. Now, I'm finding it really hard to keep the old romance feelings at bay and I'm scared. I'm definitely not ready and I really think it's a desire to feel comforted and protected rather than a ready to date feeling. It's not like he's even acted remotely attracted beyond being friends, but.... I don't want to let go of one of my few local supports either, but maybe I have to....
Technology deprived and still like I sound like a spoiled brat - My iBook (about 10yo) died so I have to figure out a cheap way to get my photos, music, etc. off of it when it doesn't get power (I'm gonna have to take it apart and put the hard drive in an external enclosure I think....) And I still haven't been able to replace my iPod.
Wistful - I want to be outside. Right NOW. It's sunny, above zero... It's beautiful.
Frustrated: just found out my assistant position at work is being filled by someone I wasn't aware of, don't get to participate in the hiring, nor really has the experience I was looking for. *SIGH* now I have to accept that reality and not take it out on this poor woman who isn't aware of the dynamics behind this job!
Antsy: My rear has been parked in a desk chair since 8:30 am and I am ready to go home!
Calm: Much calmer overall than I have been in probably 2 years. I still have the good energy from last night's Al-Anon meeting, so that helps temper my frustrations (see above)
Hopeful: I feel a little more hope in regards to my marriage - at least for me being ok either way it turns out. And being able to spend time with my RAH and actually enjoy his company again is nice.
Antsy: My rear has been parked in a desk chair since 8:30 am and I am ready to go home!
Calm: Much calmer overall than I have been in probably 2 years. I still have the good energy from last night's Al-Anon meeting, so that helps temper my frustrations (see above)
Hopeful: I feel a little more hope in regards to my marriage - at least for me being ok either way it turns out. And being able to spend time with my RAH and actually enjoy his company again is nice.
Empty. I don't mean like the "lonely" kind, I just feel... empty. I haven't decided if it's a good thing or a bad thing yet. It's just... This "in between" feeling, I don't have anything screaming for my attention, I don't have anything I have to do, I don't have anything I really want to do right now (although not being at work would be a great start *Grins*), and everything is quiet and calm and peaceful.
I think it's a good feeling. There are no emergencies. I can just exist right now, and breathe. There's nobody yelling at me, looking for me, needing me for anything, relying upon me to do things that I don't want to do...
It's a good feeling!
Hungry. I only had one piece of pizza for lunch. I should grab another.
Nervous. Tomorrow I am going to lunch with Mr. Shy, who finally picked a date, and a time. It's not the "oh my goodness, what if I mess up???" kind of nervous, it actually feels good. Relaxed. Slow. Different.
It's also tomorrow, so there's no sense worrying about it today.
Impatient. There are too many hours left until I can go home. I want to clean out the rest of the den, and I got these great boxes I can pack more of XABF's stuff in, if/when I decide to mail it back. (I forgot to pack up some of his things in the den, but I do not want them in my house now that I am cleaning everything, and they were gifts to him from his oldest son so it would be unfair of me to get rid of them.) I want my apartment to be perfectly mine, and little by little it is getting there.
Distracted. Ha ha! I don't know where my mind is right now. [b][/i] tags don't really do anything. I need to pay a little bit of attention to what I'm doing.
I think it's a good feeling. There are no emergencies. I can just exist right now, and breathe. There's nobody yelling at me, looking for me, needing me for anything, relying upon me to do things that I don't want to do...
It's a good feeling!
Hungry. I only had one piece of pizza for lunch. I should grab another.
Nervous. Tomorrow I am going to lunch with Mr. Shy, who finally picked a date, and a time. It's not the "oh my goodness, what if I mess up???" kind of nervous, it actually feels good. Relaxed. Slow. Different.
It's also tomorrow, so there's no sense worrying about it today.
Impatient. There are too many hours left until I can go home. I want to clean out the rest of the den, and I got these great boxes I can pack more of XABF's stuff in, if/when I decide to mail it back. (I forgot to pack up some of his things in the den, but I do not want them in my house now that I am cleaning everything, and they were gifts to him from his oldest son so it would be unfair of me to get rid of them.) I want my apartment to be perfectly mine, and little by little it is getting there.
Distracted. Ha ha! I don't know where my mind is right now. [b][/i] tags don't really do anything. I need to pay a little bit of attention to what I'm doing.
Anxious - Jumping at every unexpected noise. Don't know why and can't figure out the trigger - XAH is supposed to be up on the Slope now and about 700 miles away....
Fortunate - I got to meet with a friend who works with a different company in a different city about a huge upcoming project that our companies will be working together on. A rather exciting project and I got to talk with her a little bit before the meeting.
Pessimistic - finances, again, still. Yeah, we have enough to live on, if we stay with my sister and her family, but the dream of having my own home is getting further away rather than closer....
Rejected - My mom chose taking care of her allcoholic BF over her daughters, again. May or may not be true, but that's how it feels.
Again - Wistful - I want to be outside in the sunshine right now. Looking out the window at the mountains is nice, but I can't wait for the end of the day!
Fortunate - I got to meet with a friend who works with a different company in a different city about a huge upcoming project that our companies will be working together on. A rather exciting project and I got to talk with her a little bit before the meeting.
Pessimistic - finances, again, still. Yeah, we have enough to live on, if we stay with my sister and her family, but the dream of having my own home is getting further away rather than closer....
Rejected - My mom chose taking care of her allcoholic BF over her daughters, again. May or may not be true, but that's how it feels.
Again - Wistful - I want to be outside in the sunshine right now. Looking out the window at the mountains is nice, but I can't wait for the end of the day!
Lost - I don't think I know which way to head from here.
Resentful - Today I'm hung up on the feeling that xSIL, even though she'd 'always wanted a sister', never did anything to help me with her brother, but jumped on getting an in-patient program rounded up for him when XAH's GF called her AND enlisted my help on it; that she KNEW that XAH was cheating on me and kept it from me; that she has dropped me cold and not contacted me ONCE in the past year.
Confused - WHY do I want her friendship still? After all of that? Seriously.
Angry, resentful, confused, betrayed, hurt - Why does he get to get away with DV and SA with no consequences (even though he admitted to it) and still get to see our son? Why does the legal system not protect me and DS better? Why does it insist on making me see him every week? Why do I feel like I HAVE to abide by the law and continue facilitating the visits when XAH does nothing that he's supposed to do and has no legal repercussions....
Pessimistic- That I will ever get over the SA and DV and be a fit partner for any one else ever again.
Resentful is a big one today and I don't like the feeling at all. Trying to get past it - writing this is helping..... a little....
Resentful - Today I'm hung up on the feeling that xSIL, even though she'd 'always wanted a sister', never did anything to help me with her brother, but jumped on getting an in-patient program rounded up for him when XAH's GF called her AND enlisted my help on it; that she KNEW that XAH was cheating on me and kept it from me; that she has dropped me cold and not contacted me ONCE in the past year.
Confused - WHY do I want her friendship still? After all of that? Seriously.
Angry, resentful, confused, betrayed, hurt - Why does he get to get away with DV and SA with no consequences (even though he admitted to it) and still get to see our son? Why does the legal system not protect me and DS better? Why does it insist on making me see him every week? Why do I feel like I HAVE to abide by the law and continue facilitating the visits when XAH does nothing that he's supposed to do and has no legal repercussions....
Pessimistic- That I will ever get over the SA and DV and be a fit partner for any one else ever again.
Resentful is a big one today and I don't like the feeling at all. Trying to get past it - writing this is helping..... a little....
Today I feel..
Frazzled: Just can't seem to get it together. My hair is a mess.. not able to concentrate.
Abandoned: I have been feeling this for some time since the RABF went into long term rehab and has lost contact.
Forgotten: (see abandoned; same reasons) As if anything I did or felt was all in vain.
Decieved: Whatever his words were or caring and love for me clearly were only words.
Hopeful: Which doesn't make sense given what is going on but I never give up.
Worthy: I know I am worth so much more than he gives me and I need to remind myself of that.
Calm: I am living my life to the best of my ability and don't feel anxious about what I am doing or thinking.
Capable: I have the ability to get past some of my issues and worries, it just takes time.
Frazzled: Just can't seem to get it together. My hair is a mess.. not able to concentrate.
Abandoned: I have been feeling this for some time since the RABF went into long term rehab and has lost contact.
Forgotten: (see abandoned; same reasons) As if anything I did or felt was all in vain.
Decieved: Whatever his words were or caring and love for me clearly were only words.
Hopeful: Which doesn't make sense given what is going on but I never give up.
Worthy: I know I am worth so much more than he gives me and I need to remind myself of that.
Calm: I am living my life to the best of my ability and don't feel anxious about what I am doing or thinking.
Capable: I have the ability to get past some of my issues and worries, it just takes time.
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