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Old 01-18-2011, 10:57 AM
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Unhappy Where to begin...

I am a "Newbie". I stumbled across this site in a search for answers and help. My bf of 3 years is an alcoholic. I, because of my own childhood, etc..., am a codependent. I have struggled with my codie status for years but continue to find myself in these toxic relationships. My bf drinks pretty much EVERY day - sometimes just a couple of beers other times beer and liquor to the point of black out. During these blackouts, he is both verbally and physically abusive for of course no reason. Everything is my fault. This past weekend we were at a friend's birthday party and he drank himself into oblivion. He was angry that another guy, a friend of ours, was talking to me. He took me by the throat and shoved me against the wall in front of everyone. I tried to leave the party but we had his vehicle and he tried to stop me from leaving. He was in a rage. He then demanded that we go home. I thought it would be better to leave and just go home and go to bed. Wrong. He continued to scream at me - accusing me of trying to have sex with other men, etc..

I tried to go to bed and he decided he wanted to leave. He couldn't find his keys. He ranted and raved for 4 hours about his keys. Tore the house apart, called me all kinds of nasty names, told me he didn't care about me, told me he would NEVER marry me (like I want that?!!?) and wouldn't let me go to sleep until he found them. He finally tired himself out and fell asleep on the couch. I went to bed.

The next day I got up before him and searched the house for his keys. Couldn't find them. I wanted them because I wanted him to leave. He always wakes up in a foul mood after drinking and I wasn't looking forward to that. He woke up and was apologetic. Didn't remember a lot of the night. He admitted that he does remember him yelling and fighting with me for hours. He told me that he didn't mean all of the horrible things he said. He looked for his keys and found them in a jacket pocket - he had hidden them from himself and me.

He didn't drink at all that day. He drank a couple of beers the next night. When he is not drinking he is a wonderful person. Sweet, kind, loving. When he is drinking, its like he turns into his alter-ego.

I'm sure everyone here has heard this sort of thing before and/or experienced worse. I guess I am just trying to figure out what to do. Unfortunately, I love him but I know I can't save him. I know I need to turn my codie self around and worry about me. How can I make this work in the short term without leaving? I am not in a position to leave him financially. When he becomes his alter-ego, what is the best thing to do?

HELP!!!

Thanks so much for listening!

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Old 01-18-2011, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Codie101 View Post
He took me by the throat and shoved me against the wall in front of everyone.
There is no excuse for abuse--ever. It is progressive and will get worse. You are in danger.

Originally Posted by Codie101 View Post
How can I make this work in the short term without leaving? I am not in a position to leave him financially. When he becomes his alter-ego, what is the best thing to do?
In short, there is no way to make this work. Not in the short term, or the long term.

I know it's tempting to believe that this isn't the "real him." That his "alter-ego" takes over when he's drinking, but this is who he is. Both the kind, sweet, loving part, and the mean, abusive part. All of it is who he is. You cannot separate the two.

The best thing to do? IMO the best thing to do would be to call a DV hotline and talk to them. They are trained to provide help for situations like this. They can offer advice, practical suggestions, and even temporary shelter if needed.

I hope you will remove yourself from the wrath of this person before he seriously harms you.

Here is a link to some phone numbers. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Please be safe.

L
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Old 01-18-2011, 11:22 AM
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LaTeeDa is correct. There is no excuse for abuse, and an abusive person's "good side" is only to draw you in closer. The abuser will use abuse to try and control you, and the kindhearted (manipulative!) soul he reveals later is only part of the same behavior.

Call a Domestic Violence hotline, they can help you out of this situation.

Also, I would recommend this book:
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft


It helped me sort out a lot of questions and doubts I had deciding if I was doing the right thing.

Be safe. Get help for yourself. Sticking around to "help" him and neglect yourself will only make it harder to take action.
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Old 01-18-2011, 11:29 AM
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Thank you so much - both of you. I will contact DV hotline and go from there. I will also get the recommended book. I saw it mentioned on SR.

Thank you again.
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Old 01-18-2011, 01:02 PM
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I agree that safety is of the utmost importance. I know your scared and confused. When theyre not sober they don't think or behave rationally. I also have a AB. We been together for almost two years. I had to kick him out and it hurt and I was scared. I only let him come home when he was sober and decided he needed help. He is back in AA. He goes every day. He will go no less than 90 meetng in 90 days.

I wish you luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Old 01-18-2011, 01:08 PM
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I hope you'll keep spoting and keep us up to date on your situation, hon.

It's hard, but we're here to supprt as well.

You have the right to be safe in your own home.
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Old 01-18-2011, 01:17 PM
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I say and dont ever look back..

AL ANON is the best place to be...also, see all the stickys on top? read them all, and browse for the CO dependence stickys...they are there to help you...and so are all of US...

abusive /verbal/mental (from the bf) is not good for the SOUL....

welcome to SR
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Old 01-18-2011, 01:19 PM
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Codie.......I am glad to hear that you already understand that you can't change him. I hope you do call the DV hotline. And please, give us an update. I know we will all be wondering and hoping and praying that you are okay.
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Old 01-18-2011, 01:20 PM
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posted byStarCat
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft

gonna check this one out...
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Old 01-18-2011, 01:39 PM
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Thank you thank you thank you for all of your prayers and thoughts for me and my crappy situation. This weekend was a huge wake up call for me. I laid there in bed once he was asleep downstairs and thought...why? why am I in this relationship with someone so crazy? How have I managed to get in so deep? I think I deserve better...

That's when I started searching online for info and found SR. Reading the posts has made me realize a lot about myself, my choices and about my AB. I am sad right now. Almost mourning the loss not of the craziness but of the good times and the love. Alcohol is killing him and will continue to do so if he doesn't realize it and put the brakes on. Frankly, I don't want to be there when he does hit bottom. I don't want to see him like that and I don't want to be on the receiving end of his drunk angry alter-ego.

I am going to call DV hotline and see if I can start talking to a counselor on a regular basis. Build up some strength and confidence and send him on his way. For the longest time he has made be believe that I was to blame for everything. I am a smart girl so I have no idea how he got me there, but he did.

So thank you again everyone. I will keep posting and updating. Your kindness actually brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate it more than you know.

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Old 01-18-2011, 02:32 PM
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You have the right to say you'v'e had enough.

also -

I meant - I hope you'll keep POSTING (only now seeing that typo from earlier)

not spoting. *geyah*
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Old 01-18-2011, 02:49 PM
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Welcome to SR, Codie101. Sending you big hugs. I'm glad you're going to contact the DV hotline. Be safe.

You're strong. You can do this.
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Old 01-18-2011, 03:44 PM
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I could not financially afford to leave my A either. Once I shared with friends what I was living with, I was offered money, a place to stay, help with the move.

I accepted EVERYTHING offered, and left, found a great place to stay, and got my sanity back. My exabf if now almost 1 year sober, and doing very well. So am I. We are healthy, apart, maybe we can stay healthy and be together someday. We never could have done that together the way we were living.

I send positive thoughts your way.
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Old 01-18-2011, 03:58 PM
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Is this how you want to live your life? Because BF will continue to deteriorate unless he decides he wants to get sober. My advice is to get support for yourself at Al-anon.
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Old 01-18-2011, 04:36 PM
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I am new here and learning, never realized I was a "codie" didn't even know what that was. I do know that my first marriage was to a controlling, jealous, drug user who never had any faults, (just ask him). Anything and everything that went wrong was someone elses fault. I was scared of him and what he might do, yet I hung in there hoping he would change. He did not change, but I did. I am embarrased to say I wasted 25 years of my life being under his control. It wasn't until I got away and looked back that I could see the picture more clearly and it was not good and was never going to get better.
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Old 01-18-2011, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by tlm56 View Post
It wasn't until I got away and looked back that I could see the picture more clearly and it was not good and was never going to get better.
When you're stuck in the insanity, it's hard to have any time to think straight, much less take care of yourself.
As soon as you're separate and can think again, you look back and wonder what the heck you just allowed yourself to put up with, but since it usually happens gradually, and you're so caught up in the insanity of the moment, it's hard to recognize then.

Separation - even if it's just a weekend away with a relative or something - will do wonders for sanity.
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Old 01-18-2011, 07:09 PM
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Hi Codie, I used to have an XABF that did similar things. I could not believe it and sadly I had to leave him, I had moved to another city for work and also to live with him. It is horrible and I felt VERY alone, thought no one would ever understand how I was feeling.

We call it the Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome, unfortunately Jekyll is so charming and attractive, but I agree with the above poster, it is all a show so you stay for more, and endure his abuse. Because it is abuse. In society we don't like to say those words, but here I have learned to say it as it is and yes I am afraid XABF and your BF are both alcoholics and also abusers.

I left 2 years ago and the road has not been easy as I work with him everyday but you know what? He is exactly the same he has always been! he got himself someone else right away (as many alcoholics do) and I can only imagine what happens behind close doors. He never accepted an ounce of all he said, all he did, all he hurt.

If I had stayed I would only have had 2 more years of stress, forced sex, crazy making, insults, yelling, danger driving with a drunk driver, crying afterwards and promising "not to do it ever again" "cut back on drinking" etc. etc. Words mean nothing, actions are the ones that count. And in case of XABF actions showed he was troubled and had no intent at all to stop drinking and change. He still thinks he is a mini God and started arriving to work still drunk. Before, it was a hangover. Now he is still drunk at 9 AM. This is progressive and chronic. They will always be alcoholics and will get worse if they are not in AA & counseling and totally determined to recovery.

What are your BF actions telling you..?

Neither you nor I deserve abuse, we deserve peace, and friendship and joy, and good times. The book "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty is great help, I hope you can get yourself a copy! hugs!!
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Old 01-19-2011, 06:12 AM
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Thank you for your support - everyone. Yes, he is Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. No doubt about it. I called the hotline and they have recommended that I speak with a counselor. Now I just have to figure out WHEN I can do that. I will have to leave work early. The Hotline person was wonderful. She let me know that I have options and that I am not alone, just as all of you have done.

Takingcharge999, I really appreciate all you said. I know that only he can change and that I cannot make him stop drinking. It seems to me that my BF is an abuser and the alcohol only makes it worse. He is short-tempered and very very impatient. Expects perfection all of the time - just like his father. I don't believe his father has a drinking problem but growing up BF's friends called his dad, the Grizzly. Yeah, a bit scarey. My BF was abused by his dad - not an excuse, just a fact. Everything was always my BFs fault growing up. Just a little more background about my BF (I didn't find all of this out until long after we started dating) BF started drinking and smoking weed in high school; his drug use escalated and he tried pretty much everything.

The first time he was physically violent he tried to tell me that he had never done it before - therefore making it all my fault. Well, recently, I was speaking with the mother of a girl he used to date and she revealed that BF had actually hit the girl and the mother was furious. What a revelation! It lifted a lot of guilt off of my shoulders because I had come to believe it was all my fault. Oh, did I mention he is a master liar? I actually read here where someone said that she had a PhD in Lying and her Lie-dar was super sonic now...yeah, that's me. I hate lying. I hate being lied to.

Well, enough venting for me...thank you again for your support and prayers. You are helping to remind me of how strong I really am and how I can move on from this time in my life.

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Old 01-19-2011, 07:13 AM
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Just dropped by to see how you are...
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:27 AM
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Thanks Barb...I am feeling a little better after talking to the Hotline. I think speaking with a counselor and getting my own head straight will bring me back to reality and out of the "world of crazy"! I will say that it has been calm at home. He usually likes to go to a local bar on Thursday and I go too, but I think this week I am going to have something else to do. I usually have to drive him home, etc...I think its time he was responsible for himself, though I do worry that he will drive drunk and God forbid kill someone on the way home. Somehow I feel responsible. The sooner I go to counseling the sooner my life will begin to move forward and hopefully shine again.
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