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Old 01-19-2011, 08:59 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Codie101 View Post
I usually have to drive him home, etc...I think its time he was responsible for himself, though I do worry that he will drive drunk and God forbid kill someone on the way home. Somehow I feel responsible. The sooner I go to counseling the sooner my life will begin to move forward and hopefully shine again.
You don't "have to" do anything, except take care of yourself.
He is responsible for his own decisions. If he drives drunk and something bad happens, that was his decision, that is his mistake, and the consequences are his. It would be regrettable if he hurt someone else in the process, yes, but it would not be your fault.
Besides, he's hurting you, and you need to address that, rather than worry about the maybe's.
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:16 AM
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StarCat...logically I understand and agree with everything you have said. This is all so fresh for me and it will take me some time to get out of "world of crazy" thinking patterns. I can't help that I somehow feel that I must "caretake" his addiction/behavior in an effort to control my uncontrollable environment. It will be a huge moment for me and a step in the right direction when I say "No, I am not going." and that is exactly what I am going to do. I am tired of feeling like a babysitter for his drunk behavior/actions. You are right, if he screws up, it's his own doing not mine, but the codie girl in me is going to somehow feel that its something I could have prevented or controlled even though intellectually I know its impossible to control. Ugh!!! So frustrating! I just want to stop feeling that way!
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:51 AM
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I know... You don't have to explain it to me, I am still struggling through the same feelings myself.

But now that I have started to take care of me... It is such a liberating, wonderful feeling!
I have a lot of work to do, but I feel better already, so so far I know it's working.
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:54 AM
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Baby step Codie...baby steps. You just logged on to SR recently, you just called the DV hotline and you are now educating yourself about addiction, codependence and the cycle of abuse. ( cycle of abuse ).

I know what it's like to want things to be instantly better YESTERDAY.

I know you've been in touch with the DV hotline...have they referred you to a local shelter? I saw you posted about not being financially able to leave your BF, so perhaps the DV shelter might be an option. Also, there's friends and family...I think it would be wise to begin formulating an escape plan, just in case something goes wrong.

In the meantime, yes, start thinking about your boundaries and how you will enforce them. If you no longer want to drive him places because he's drunk, then perhaps contact the police with his plate number and make/model, when you *know* he'll be driving drunk, and advise them of the situation. You simply cannot arrange your life around his bouts of drunkeness in the hopes of sparing the life of whoever he endangers. I know it's hard to accept, but you can't save him or the rest of the world...just you.

I hope you keep posting lots. SR saved my hide many times over.
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Old 01-19-2011, 10:09 AM
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Starcat...Love the pic btw...oh how I wish that was me! Thanks for the words of encouragement. It really helps me to read posts from people going through the same crap I am. Gives me hope!

Nodaybut2day...thank you. I am trying to accept where I am right now, though it isn't easy when suddenly you wake up from the fog of denial and find yourself drowning. I feel like I am in survival mode. Making the call to the Hotline was the first step along with becoming a member of SR and educating myself as best I can. I agree about the escape plan. I have already thought about what I could do. Unfortunately I cannot rely on family, but I do have friends who are aware of my current situation.

Saving the world and/or him is very tiring. I am tired. Emotionally drained. I realized during this last episode over the weekend when I finally woke up. I need to love myself MORE than anyone else and I don't. I need to take care of myself and not worry about whether he is happy or not - regardless of how much he has had to drink. I am going to meet with the counselor, which should help. I am also going to join a gym on Saturday and try to focus on me. I have organized my house and am working on getting the rest of my life in order. For me. Not for anyone else. Since being in this relationship I have let myself go...only further lowering my self-esteem. Time to put on my big girl pants and see my way out of this.

Everyone here has been so supportive and wonderful...I am so glad I found SR.
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Old 01-19-2011, 10:22 AM
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I am so glad you found here, too!
Isn't it great to know that there are other people like you?
It has helped me more than I even believed it could.

You are doing great in such a short time!
You have already started taking action, and believe it or not, the "starting" is the hardest. After awhile things will get easier, if you keep at it.

Originally Posted by Codie101 View Post
I need to love myself MORE than anyone else and I don't. I need to take care of myself and not worry about whether he is happy or not - regardless of how much he has had to drink.
This is important, and very difficult.
If the codependent instincts feel too strong, here is something I always told myself that helped me:

"I cannot take on the world without ensuring I have paid enough attention to myself, my needs, and my health. I am better able to help people when I am at full strength, so right now any time spent helping others at my expense is selling everyone short."

By the time that statement stopped working, I was already strong enough to filter out the "waste of effort" situations so at least I only helped/bent over backwards where it would make a difference - a big improvement over beating my head against the wall.
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Old 01-19-2011, 10:42 AM
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I have written that down and will repeat it to myself over and over. My codependent instincts are very strong, and it is very hard for me to stop them. I do it without even realizing I am doing it. It sort of sneaks up on me. I definitely need to be able to filter the "waste of effort" situations because I am terrible about that. I hope you are right about things getting easier...I need a break.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:04 PM
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So glad to hear you are getting help. This person will kill you, it happens all the time.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:16 PM
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One thing that REALLY helped me zero in on my enabling tendencies was asking myself if I was "Helping" or "enabling":

"Helping": Doing something for someone he is unable to do for himself
"Enabling": Doing something for someone he is PERFECTLY CAPABLE of doing for himself.

Everytime I'd think about doing something for XAH or for a friend/coworker, I'd ask myself if I was helping or enabling. After that, I realized I had surrounded myself with people who just used me for my "goodwill".
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:21 PM
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Yes nodaybut2day, I was thinking the same thing. Who else is taking advantage of my "goodwill"...I am sure I am surrounded by people like my ABF. I have a great deal of work in front of me. In the end, I hope it will be all worth it!
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:23 PM
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Hopingforlife...while your post was scarey for me to read in black and white, I understand what you are saying. With the help of my counselor and my friends, I am working on an escape plan. As I said earlier, I am in survival mode.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:25 PM
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A social worker once told me "never put more effort into helping someone than they are putting into helping themselves." I think that sums it up pretty well.

I also discovered that I had ulterior motives for much of my "helping." I was looking for something in return, like love, appreciation, admiration. I wasn't as altruistic as I thought I was.

L
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:38 PM
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LaTeeDa...that's also true. Definitely codependence on my part. I do look for love, appreciation, etc...as a result of my sacrifice of self. I need to break this cycle. You all have been so helpful! I have a whole sheet of books to read and quotes to live by. Again thank you. I feel a little bit stronger just knowing you all are out there.
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Old 01-19-2011, 12:59 PM
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Noday - I have that on my bulletin board still today. I put it there over a year ago (from SR) because I was really in it thick with the enabling and trying to orchestrate my life and everyone in it. I have a couple more lines.

Help is what I do for others who can not do it for themselves.
Enabling is what I do for others who can do it for themselves.

If I say it without being asked, it is meddling.
If I say it twice, it's manipulation.

I used to have them all over (my car, my night stand) because I did not like the person I had become - and I'm pretty sure a few others felt the same way, lol. I should add that shedding the enabling and the meddling/manipulations was very very freeing. A much more pleasant way to live.
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