Three letters
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Three letters
van
In the subject line, nothing else.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have opened it, should have filed it to read six months from now. The last I heard from her in early October, "Okay Then" via text, always her preferred method of communication.
I knew on most levels, wasn't doing as well as I should be. Forgetting the fact that I should be doing as well as I'm doing, better to just accept it. The codie thing, telling yourself you shouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling.
Having recently congratulated myself on what a splendid job I did handling the last thing, email from Ford Credit about a week back, she hadn't made a payment on the van since mid-November and now they're talking repossession, like they were last summer. No need to contact her, just give them her email address. And work phone number.
I forgot what Toby Rice Drews wrote, they do 'pop up' when you least expect it, this definitely blindsided me. Turns out she's trashed the van, two cracked heads, $1650 to repair and she doesn't have the money. Wasn't her fault, just one of those things that happens on New Years Eve.
Apparently she can't turn to all of those 'amazing' and 'good' people she knows. No help from Gary, Justin, Shawn, Dave, Jim. Apparently credit isn't one of the benefits of those kinds of friendships.
The rest of the email was what I would've expected, talking about how I 'broke her heart', as an afterthought she said she 'hoped I was doing well'.
The worst thing, probably, I started to respond in the affirmative, "Tell **** to email me asap". Took me a minute before I realized what I was doing, those codie reflexes are hard to shake.
What I would've liked to reply, when you love someone, you let them make their mistakes and learn the lessons they need to learn.
Like I've learned from all of you guys.
Thanks!
John
In the subject line, nothing else.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't have opened it, should have filed it to read six months from now. The last I heard from her in early October, "Okay Then" via text, always her preferred method of communication.
I knew on most levels, wasn't doing as well as I should be. Forgetting the fact that I should be doing as well as I'm doing, better to just accept it. The codie thing, telling yourself you shouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling.
Having recently congratulated myself on what a splendid job I did handling the last thing, email from Ford Credit about a week back, she hadn't made a payment on the van since mid-November and now they're talking repossession, like they were last summer. No need to contact her, just give them her email address. And work phone number.
I forgot what Toby Rice Drews wrote, they do 'pop up' when you least expect it, this definitely blindsided me. Turns out she's trashed the van, two cracked heads, $1650 to repair and she doesn't have the money. Wasn't her fault, just one of those things that happens on New Years Eve.
Apparently she can't turn to all of those 'amazing' and 'good' people she knows. No help from Gary, Justin, Shawn, Dave, Jim. Apparently credit isn't one of the benefits of those kinds of friendships.
The rest of the email was what I would've expected, talking about how I 'broke her heart', as an afterthought she said she 'hoped I was doing well'.
The worst thing, probably, I started to respond in the affirmative, "Tell **** to email me asap". Took me a minute before I realized what I was doing, those codie reflexes are hard to shake.
What I would've liked to reply, when you love someone, you let them make their mistakes and learn the lessons they need to learn.
Like I've learned from all of you guys.
Thanks!
John
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
First thought that pops into mind: Man, she's doing something wrong with her "friendships": XAH found a girl to put a roof over his head, a leather couch under his a--, cable in front of his face and car for him to drive.... All before we were divorced.
Seriously, though, John, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. It sucks to be caught back up in their financial messes. I still find myself slipping back to that route. Maybe it's unenlightened of me, but it really helps me to repeat that if he can't do this himself, since his new GF is giving him everything else, she can do this too. Just because she refuses to doesn't mean I have to.
You caught yourself, though. That's a good thing!
Seriously, though, John, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. It sucks to be caught back up in their financial messes. I still find myself slipping back to that route. Maybe it's unenlightened of me, but it really helps me to repeat that if he can't do this himself, since his new GF is giving him everything else, she can do this too. Just because she refuses to doesn't mean I have to.
Originally Posted by sailorjohn 
The worst thing, probably, I started to respond in the affirmative, "Tell **** to email me asap". Took me a minute before I realized what I was doing, those codie reflexes are hard to shake.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Us codies should install extra protection on our e-mail programs. You know, those annoying pop-ups that say, "Are you SURE you want to send this e-mail?" and "There's a lot of codie behavior in here, do you want to send it anyway?" -- like 258 of them before we're allowed to hit "send"...
I've been there -- different situation, same instincts. Sucks to realize they're still there. But you can applaud yourself for catching it. That, m'dear, is a huge big whopping step in the right direction!
I've been there -- different situation, same instincts. Sucks to realize they're still there. But you can applaud yourself for catching it. That, m'dear, is a huge big whopping step in the right direction!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
It occurred to me later that the initial pause, when I decided not to reply-the correct decision-was done for very codie reasons.
Thinking, she should have the money to take care of this!
The healthier reasons, which I didn't think of until I played the tape all the way through, she's an ex, this would be inappropriate, she treated me like a dirtbag, why should I help her?
Oh well, progress, not perfection.
Thinking, she should have the money to take care of this!
The healthier reasons, which I didn't think of until I played the tape all the way through, she's an ex, this would be inappropriate, she treated me like a dirtbag, why should I help her?
Oh well, progress, not perfection.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Letting Go
Petty, petty nonsense
Look the other way
Leave me to live the life
I was meant to live today.
Anger dissipate softly
And possess my Soul no more.
Intrude upon me again
And your presence, I shall ignore.
Sadness surrender to laughter
And take away my tears
Too much time has been wasted
On you throughout the years.
Stress don't leave me worried
And running all about
For you rob me of my happiness.
When I rant and rave and shout
Love come fill the emptiness.
Where clutter once reside
I've rid myself of the nonsense
You no longer need to hide.
Petty, petty nonsense
Look the other way
Leave me to live the life
I was meant to live today.
Anger dissipate softly
And possess my Soul no more.
Intrude upon me again
And your presence, I shall ignore.
Sadness surrender to laughter
And take away my tears
Too much time has been wasted
On you throughout the years.
Stress don't leave me worried
And running all about
For you rob me of my happiness.
When I rant and rave and shout
Love come fill the emptiness.
Where clutter once reside
I've rid myself of the nonsense
You no longer need to hide.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London, England
Posts: 211
[QUOTE=lillamy;2834174]Us codies should install extra protection on our e-mail programs. You know, those annoying pop-ups that say, "Are you SURE you want to send this e-mail?" and "There's a lot of codie behavior in here, do you want to send it anyway?" -- like 258 of them before we're allowed to hit "send"...
QUOTE]
I wish I had that !!
QUOTE]I wish I had that !!
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
First, good job, John, on catching yourself before you sent the reply.
I remember when I had to correspond with my first exH, long before email. It was mostly letters or notes, and we tried to keep it just about the kids. Occasionally one of us would feel the need to spew, and we each had a friend who would read with filters. "blah blah blah open house 7 pm blah blah blah birthday party blah blah blah."
Just the facts ma'am, just the facts. The rest really wasn't important. We work well today as parenting partners of adult kids, and can laugh about the first few years that were pretty rocky after our divorce.
My New Years Resolution for the past few years has been this:
"when I have been triggered in any way, I will not dial the phone or press 'SEND' without running it past a recovery friend first. Every single time.Period."
I can't begin to tell you how many times this saved my butt, my ego, some friendships and family relationships, and probably my job. It works for me!
Just having a filter in place makes a huge difference. Immediate responses from an emotional place have usually been bad for me.
Hugs and love
Cats
I remember when I had to correspond with my first exH, long before email. It was mostly letters or notes, and we tried to keep it just about the kids. Occasionally one of us would feel the need to spew, and we each had a friend who would read with filters. "blah blah blah open house 7 pm blah blah blah birthday party blah blah blah."
Just the facts ma'am, just the facts. The rest really wasn't important. We work well today as parenting partners of adult kids, and can laugh about the first few years that were pretty rocky after our divorce.
My New Years Resolution for the past few years has been this:
"when I have been triggered in any way, I will not dial the phone or press 'SEND' without running it past a recovery friend first. Every single time.Period."
I can't begin to tell you how many times this saved my butt, my ego, some friendships and family relationships, and probably my job. It works for me!
Just having a filter in place makes a huge difference. Immediate responses from an emotional place have usually been bad for me.
Hugs and love
Cats
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Thanks again everyone. I know I need to step back from here for a while, I really haven't been doing that well, have been thinking about her every day, definitely not healthy.
I probably was just trying to avoid feeling those feelings, should take some time alone to get that done.
I probably was just trying to avoid feeling those feelings, should take some time alone to get that done.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I don't know that it does any good to isolate with our feelings, John.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
having all sorts of feelings are normal and okay, it isn't a matter of appropriate and inappropriate...it is what we do with them that matters.
I gets lots of rogue feelings, I just don't act on them.
Things are tough over there, probably hard to get in regular self-care?
I was in south america awhiles back for 7 months and just being in a foreign culture, I got lonely and had rogue thoughts about ex's.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
having all sorts of feelings are normal and okay, it isn't a matter of appropriate and inappropriate...it is what we do with them that matters.
I gets lots of rogue feelings, I just don't act on them.
Things are tough over there, probably hard to get in regular self-care?
I was in south america awhiles back for 7 months and just being in a foreign culture, I got lonely and had rogue thoughts about ex's.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Things are tough over there, probably hard to get in regular self-care?
Did you say you live in Detroit, or you visited?
I live just north of there and go to the VA Hospital nearly every month for something.
Sigh.........
Kwame really did Detroit wrong. It is sad.
Try not to isolate SailorJohn.
Even if you never speak of "her" again, I appreciate what you say.
Thank you,
Beth
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I need that program, hahaha!!
Well done catching yourself sailorjohn.
Today I got VERY nervous around XABF. He was being a clown. As usual.
But I didn't fight them. BIG difference! "yes I am triggered because he brings back memories of who I was. Of course I will get nervous. But as long as I do not contact him I am doing OK".
Treating myself well for a change! whew! progress not perfection, as you said,
I hope I am never contacted by XABF! oh wait... I blocked him everywhere
Well done catching yourself sailorjohn.
Today I got VERY nervous around XABF. He was being a clown. As usual.
But I didn't fight them. BIG difference! "yes I am triggered because he brings back memories of who I was. Of course I will get nervous. But as long as I do not contact him I am doing OK".
Treating myself well for a change! whew! progress not perfection, as you said,
I hope I am never contacted by XABF! oh wait... I blocked him everywhere Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I can’t remember the exact expression but it goes something like this:
It’s never good to go alone into our own thoughts; it can be a dangerous neighborhood, it’s always better to take someone with you.
We all need a break from it, but I know for me when that break is too long, I get lost in all those thoughts feel like I am drowning and need SR and all of you to help me start to tread water again.
I like feeling my feelings alone too, a big part of me won’t allow others to see me in any stage of weakness…..my issue is working through that feelings are normal and it’s ok to feel them and allow others to know I have them.
It’s never good to go alone into our own thoughts; it can be a dangerous neighborhood, it’s always better to take someone with you.
We all need a break from it, but I know for me when that break is too long, I get lost in all those thoughts feel like I am drowning and need SR and all of you to help me start to tread water again.
I like feeling my feelings alone too, a big part of me won’t allow others to see me in any stage of weakness…..my issue is working through that feelings are normal and it’s ok to feel them and allow others to know I have them.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by sailorjohn
van
The codie thing, telling yourself you shouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling.
The codie thing, telling yourself you shouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling.
Exactly, SailorJohn. Exactly.
For me, I trip on: maybe I'm being judgemental. Maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I should try harder. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. I'm being negative. I should think positive.
And on and on to deny, minimize, and avoid feeling what I'm feeling.
It's phenomenal how much quadruple guesing I do of myself - how hard it is to just allow myself my feelings, period. Its, apparently, very challenging to validate myself.
Hugs and thanks
peace
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Rock on sailorjohn!
...Been there, done that, and good on you for seeing your thinking. Well done Sir!
Their needing us is the drug, and you just recognized the drug and chose not to partake.
Keep kicking ass!
Cyranoak
Their needing us is the drug, and you just recognized the drug and chose not to partake.
Keep kicking ass!
Cyranoak
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