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I Just Did Something Really Stupid

Old 01-16-2011, 12:55 PM
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I Just Did Something Really Stupid

Last night I found out that I had the opportunity to go to a city half an hour away from him for business purposes. (You know where this is going...)

So yes, I called him to see if maybe he wanted to meet me.
And as my subconcious knew he wouldn't, he didn't answer the phone.
But hearing his voice on his voicemail just set off a button that I wasn't expecting. Even though it's the same one I've heard many times, this time I thought "Wow, that guy kinda sounds like an a-hole!".
I hung up, glad he didn't answer, but now the fact that I called on his caller ID is going to be etched in both our memories all day today.
I feel nauseous and so ridiculous and embarrassed right now.
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:04 PM
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While it is a flaw in a plan of "no contact" to go and contact him, (1) he didn't answer, and (2) the voice on his voicemail machine did remind you of why you didn't want to contact him, so I would say the experience was not a wasted one.

While it was a lapse in judgment, perhaps, it is not the end of the world, and berating yourself as if it is will do more harm than the call itself. If he calls you back, you do not have to answer, and if he leaves a message, you do not have to listen to it.

I have also learned via this forum that if you're using a cell phone, you can block your caller ID on a call-by-call basis by dialing *67 before the call, so you might want to keep that in mind (or program that in at the beginning of his number!) in case you ever feel like calling in a "weak moment" again.
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:07 PM
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You know, in the end, I used *67 a lot, so he probably would have known it was me anyway. But you're right, no harm done. Thank you.
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:10 PM
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everyone makes mistakes: EVERYONE.
If I wrote a list of all the things I did that weren't fab decisions it would stretch to the moon.

This is a tiny moment of not-best-thinking, please don't let it take up a moment longer of your thinking. We don't have to be perfect, letting ourselves be human, and forgiving ourselves for mistakes is a huge step forward on the road to happiness!
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:12 PM
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I'm glad that worked out.
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:33 PM
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i agree with all of the above comments, but also wanted to let you know that i know where you are coming from. ive done the same - with my axbf. He relapsed but continually denied and lied - but I started to miss him (although not too sure what exactly i missed) so I emailed him, I go through moments of deeply regreting and then being devastated that he didn't reply immediately. After the initial email I then really hoped he wouldn't reply, but of course he did, we have now exchanged a few emails - some of his so random and rambling he has to be drunk when sending them, one include a link to a video of a song - the words were pretty scathing and indicative of how he feels about me right now he was also a bit rude in some of them - although the trend in them is still all about him, what he's going through, how awful i am - yet I still replied back and still told him I loved him - which i do - but I don't want to the be the partner of an alcoholic.

So its easy to say and to know exactly what we should do, but sometimes our hearts get the better of us and we do something against our better judgement - whats done is done. I wish I hadn't emailed my ex because I am hurting all over again. I am sure in some respects you feel the same.

BUT things will get easier, these moments of weakness will get few and far between. We will all get there eventually.

Stay strong
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:36 PM
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We will all get there eventually.

Yes we will mutya. Just keep moving in the right direction.

Beth
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Old 01-16-2011, 01:51 PM
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I've been my opinion in life that nobody ever learned anything by being perfect.

Think about it... Even with the simple things, in school, if you were to look back today do you remember most the answers you got right, or the correct answers to the things you got wrong? If you go through life "doing the right thing" you're just regurgitating back what you think you're supposed to be doing.

The best learning experiences in life are the mistakes you made, where you stood up and kept on moving forward after making them.
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Old 01-16-2011, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
You know, penny, and this is going to sound strange, but the last time I broke no contact with AXBF was one of the best decisions I have made. I came away from it with yet another glimpse of how ignorant, manipulative, and utterly lost in addiction he is, and more importantly, I even surprised myself. I was able to walk away after only a week, and now I feel more certain than I ever have before that leaving him was the right thing to do.

It sounds like you got a glimpse of this too when you heard the a$$hole-ish tone of his voice message. Don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes we learn the most from what seem like mistakes at the time.
I certainly hope I feel like that very very soon - at the moment, he's stripped me of all self confidence that I believe him when he tells me its all my fault, and I'm this and I'm that. Self confidence will come back slowly but surely. I guess thats part and parcel of life with an alcoholic. Thats why this site is so good for the soul LOL!!
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Old 01-16-2011, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
mutya, I'm going to sound like a broken record here for the people that have heard this from me before, but one of the most powerful sentiments I've ever heard is "no one cane make you feel inferior without your consent."

Remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

His cannot control his drinking just like he can't control how you feel about yourself; that's why they call it SELF-confidence. It comes from inside of you. You just have to find it.
thank you for those wise words, I will make that my new mantra - thank you.
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Old 01-16-2011, 03:03 PM
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Not sure what about that you thought was stupid or what you have to be embarrassed about. Sounded pretty normal to me.
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Old 01-16-2011, 06:56 PM
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Originally Posted by pennywistle View Post
You know, in the end, I used *67 a lot, so he probably would have known it was me anyway. But you're right, no harm done. Thank you.
Another idea I read on SR to help curb that temptation to break no contact and if you can't bring yourself to delete his contact information change his name in your contacts to:

MORE PAIN

It's a great reminder...............
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Old 01-16-2011, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Another idea I read on SR to help curb that temptation to break no contact and if you can't bring yourself to delete his contact information change his name in your contacts to:

MORE PAIN

It's a great reminder...............
Good idea.

I finally took ABF's numbers out of my speed dial just now.
I replaced them with my psychologist's cell phone number. I figure if I start calling ABF, that's who I need to talk to anyway.
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Old 01-16-2011, 09:04 PM
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Thank God for small miracles! Remember you are powerless over your addiction, your xbf, but your Higher Power will restore you to sanity!

God loves me where I'm at, but He loves me too much to leave me there.

God doesn't close one door without opening a better one............BUT............we've got to get our fingers out of the closing door. The reason you're in pain is because you have your fingers in a door God is trying to close.

Love and Peace,
Phoenix
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Old 01-16-2011, 09:49 PM
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GREAT THREAD!! thanks all!!
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